Oh god, I am So fed up with it all!!!!!!!

(46 Posts)
Macchiato Sun 21-Oct-12 15:07:45

Soooooooooooooooooooooo fed up. Sorry, I just really need a rant.

We asked DPs ex 6 WEEKS ago if we will be having DPs daughter for the upcoming school hols. She has refused to answer the phone/texts/messages on FB. So now DP has to go up there (north) and spend a week at his mums so he can see his daugher. So me and my DD miss out, yet again, just because she couldn't be bothered to arrange anything. I'm so angry, this happens so much at the moment, we can't afford to all go up north at the moment, so it means i now wont see dsd till xmas, and i will miss her, we always have such a good time together.

I hate that everything we do we have to arrange it round his ex. I hate that she has this "power" over us.

And yet again i have to just grin and bare it and not let anyone know how i really feel because I'm JUST the step parent and that's what we do. arggggghhhhhh.

<pulls hair out>

someone slap me please sad

NotaDisneyMum Sun 21-Oct-12 16:34:26

Would it be possible to get a Contact Order?
It can set out no only the contact periods but how the transport is arranged/paid for, too.

livinglife Sun 21-Oct-12 17:13:56

I feel your pain. I had no idea that actually my husband has virtually no rights at all when it comes to his daughter. The power is with her mother and as she herself has pointed out " I can do what I want when I want" and in regards to the maintenance it's the same attitude. " once it's in my account I can spend it on whatever I chose" mainly home improvements and holidays for her and her partner.. I'm fed up of my husbands ex putting her wishes first and DSD last. I have no answers for you. I'm just looking forward to the day when DSD makes her own choices.

Macchiato Sun 21-Oct-12 17:35:46

livinglife yes it's the same here, DPs ex even sells the things we buy DSD. she's really awful. She takes money from dsd and spends it on her new son. But NO ONE will say anything to her, ever. they all seem to just be scared that she will stop all of DPs family seeing DSD.

notaDisneyMum I might have a word with DP about it (again) tonight. The thing is his ex is very sneaky and i don't think DSD realises half the things she does, so DP doesn't want to swoop in with all the drama and upset her.

personally if it was me, i wouldn't be having a bar of it. We have pampered to her demands for too long. But it's not me, and all i seem to be allowed to do is... nothing.

VBisme Sun 21-Oct-12 18:02:00

I'm feeling a bit that way myself, so I really do feel for you.
It won't work for this time, but how about getting court ordered contact?

NotaDisneyMum Sun 21-Oct-12 18:03:22

living Does your DP have PR?

If so, then he has exactly the same rights (or responsibilities) as any parent, NR or resident - he can choose whether or not to take the steps necessary to fulfil them.

hermioneweasley Sun 21-Oct-12 18:05:23

Why can't your step daughter come and stay with you for the week?

Macchiato Sun 21-Oct-12 18:14:10

Because she wont confirm that DSD can come, and what she will do if he just brings her down is say she needs her back "tomorrow" or something
(this has happened before) and then we have to pay last min ticket prices for the train and we end up out of pocket AGAIN and then she'll prob have the nerve to ask for some extra money a few days later <seethes>

Sorry, I'm not normally this negative, it's just I never get to vent like this really, so it's just all coming out.

I feel for everyone in this position, it truly is rotten.

flixy102 Sun 21-Oct-12 19:51:31

I really feel for you OP. The part of your post that rings most true for me is the lack of control. DH and I can go on for weeks/months with no bother and all of a sudden the ex will throw a spanner in the works and I feel like there will always be a third, very unwelcome presence in our marriage that will rear its ugly head now and again.

If the ex changes plans etc (usually at the last minute) then we have to jump to attention and my DH seems to just have this chronic fear of stepping up and taking control. It's really wearisome sad

Macchiato Sun 21-Oct-12 19:58:33

oh god, so does mine flixy102 It's infuriating, but i always try and stay passive. He hates conflict and will go to lengths to try and avoid it

flixy102 Sun 21-Oct-12 20:09:55

Your so much better than me!! I'm very very bad at staying passive! She's spoilt so many of our plans at the last minute it makes me so angry!

I wish my DH would take my side sometimes but he just seems so weak when it comes to her, and I know in every other walk of life he is not a weak man.


KateByChristmas Sun 21-Oct-12 20:16:59

Our lives used to be like this, we got a contact order, now it's not smile

NotaDisneyMum Sun 21-Oct-12 20:49:31

I agree Kate - I made it a condition of me moving in with my DP; I'd seen his ex mess him around too often and wasn't prepared to expose my DD to that.

She didn't like it - there were some very ugly scenes in the court waiting area (ex was yelling at her Barrister not at DP) but since then, DSS knows when he's going to see his Dad, where, and how he's going to get there smile

Theydeserve Mon 22-Oct-12 21:19:27

It really is hard dealing with the third person all the time.

I currently am trying to explain to my 2 DCS why their father and his new woman and her 2 DCs are in DisneyWorld for half term, when he had told them they were all going away this week.
Unfortunately, the e mail attached to his, telling me he could not afford to take them had the cost of the jaunt to Florida, so he has spent £3500 taking 2 kids that are not his own away, my week of planned work and socialising has gone out the window and I am counting the cost of extra child care and 2 distraught kids, who thin Daddy does not love them....not sure I can explain this one, when they next do a sleepover!

New partners suck as well - it is not all a one way street.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 22-Oct-12 21:33:18

I hope your wrath is reserved for your ex theydeserve - I'm not sure why your DCs SM can be held responsible for their disappointment sad

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who treats his DCs so badly - but his DP cannot be held accountable for his actions; if he's a crap dad, he's a crap dad - nothing to do with her.

DizzySometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 21:39:32

New partners suck as well - it is not all a one way street.

Noone said it was a one way street, and your situation sounds awful theydeserve. The fact is that both mums and dads can behave appalling when they do not live together. As this forum is for step-parents, though, it is likely that you'll hear of situations where the mum is behaving not so well, as the step mum often bears the brunt of that behaviour.

I can relate to you, OP, about feeling like you have no control over the situation. Generally my husband and his ex get on pretty well, but I don't like the fact that I have to basically get the 'ok' from his ex if my husband and I want to have a weekend away on our own, or if we want to have an extra day with my stepson over holidays so we're not rushing around and spending all our time on the road. Most of the time, she'll agree, but it seems to be when it's convenient for her, rather than what her son wants, and it grates that her decision is final with no discussion to attempt at some kind of compromise.

VBisme Mon 22-Oct-12 21:45:44

Theydeserve that is horrible, he must have known well in advance that they wouldn't be going.
Do you know for a fact that your ex is paying for the trip, or could it be his new wife?

Cloverhoney Tue 23-Oct-12 06:53:09

Theydeserve that is disgraceful!!! Even if the new wife was paying, it should never have been booked for a week when your kids were supposed to be with their Dad.
Macciato - get a contact order. Not a pleasant process but at least everyone knows where they stand at the end of it. Good luck.

MsMadelineashton Tue 23-Oct-12 12:54:34

Theydeserve - that is completly shite!!! But maybe start your own thread as countering poor macchiatos horrible problem with "new partners suck as well" isn't very helpful. IMveryHO. Your poor, poor children though sad

Macchiato - I think a contact order seems the best thing to be honest. Are the children very young? It is better IMO to do the court thing now rather than when their older and they can make their own decisions or rather, they can decide to do what keeps mum sweet.

Has your DH got an opinion on making things more official? It seems it would be fairer on all of you, including his daughter.

purpleroses Tue 23-Oct-12 16:35:55

I'm struggling to understand why your DP thinks he is required to bring his DD back to her mum, on demand, and to pay to do it, whenever she clicks her fingers.

Why can't he just say no? Tell he her has plans, he isn't free to bring her back that day, or simply not answer the phone to her. If it's been agreed that he'll have her for the week, then that is what the agreement is. The ex can't just decide to demand her back early unless there's some real emergency.

And if your DP is looking after his DD, then it is up to him where he does it. If he'd rather bring her back to stay with you, then he can do that. He doesn't have to stay with his mum just so he can bring his DD to her mum whenever it suits her.

UC Tue 23-Oct-12 17:57:57

I don't understand that either - if DSD is with you for the week, why should her mum be able to click her fingers, and your DP, DSD's father, jump to the command? You say your DP hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it - but surely this is a conflict that has to be had!

Macchiato Tue 23-Oct-12 18:17:02

She's not asked for her back early, she's not said anything at all. Nothing. She has no idea DP is even going up there. The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. she's not got back to me or DP about this holiday so DPs mum has asked if she can have DSD, and DP will go up to spend time with her there.

MsMadelineashton DSD is almost 12. A very young 12 though. She's very shy and will not speak up for herself =/

DP and I looked up about a contact order together last night and it seems like a good idea, struggled to find decent info on it though. Would anyone mind telling me what their contact info involves please?

UC Tue 23-Oct-12 18:33:31

That is ridiculous. Basically, your DP tries to organise picking up, contact etc. and he is blanked? Madness. I'm sure a court would take a very dim view of that....

MsMadelineashton Tue 23-Oct-12 19:27:23

You might find it very hard then, as at 12 they'll just ask her your dsd what she wants and unless there's a serious neglect issue then she'll be considered "gillick competent" to decide where she lives and visits sadly. Saying that, at least it will send a message to his daughter that he has fine everything he can to be a proper part if her life.
A free half hour with a solicitor would be a start. Or, he could accept his lot and take what contact he can. But you would need to be fully in board with that and I'm afraid I wouldn't be sad

Macchiato Tue 23-Oct-12 19:46:48

really MsMadelineashton ? sad will they not put SOMETHING into place? I don't think i would be on board with it to be really honest, I find it so very difficult and so so hard. But i love him, he is an amazing dad and partner, so what can i do? I wont let her ruin what we have. She is married and has another baby, i dont know why she cant just live her own life and stop trying to make ours difficult. argh!

What we spoke about last night, was maybe DP drawing up some rules and giving them to her, he won't be awfully demanding, then saying that if she wont accept that he'll be going for a contact order.

His daughter is very shy, she cries her eyes out when she leaves ours to go back to her mums, but she does love her mum very much, and she is not neglected. Her mum is just extremely unfair :/

NotaDisneyMum Tue 23-Oct-12 23:19:28

My DSD was 12 when DP went to court for contact and it wasn't quite as clear cut as madeline describes, fortunately smile

The court issued a residency order for DSD to live with her mum. As for contact, the court issued a recital, binding on both parents, that states that they should facilitate contact (at stated times/days) subject to DSD specific wishes.
In other words, both DP and his ex must allow DSD to have contact with him if she wants to.

In your DPs case, that could prove useful, because if your DPs ex refuses to engage with him at all about his DD, then she would be in breach of the recital and it is more likely that the court would subsequently issue a contact order despite your DSD age.

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 07:06:01

A 12 year old who cries to be back with mum is undoubtedly being put under a lot of pressure at home. That is so sad. My dsd's mum used to make dsd feel so guilty about coming here, she used to cry all the time too. She never said anything direct like "don't go to your dads" it was always "mummy misses you soooo much I am so lonely when you're not here and I'm all by myself without you, my best friend" then she'd do things like call right before bedtime and hang on the line for as long as possible like a love sick teenager. Then dsd, who had been fine all day, would be left in the dark with thiughts of her poor lonely mother. sad

UC Wed 24-Oct-12 08:24:59

HouseElf, that is so terribly sad. I just don't understand why people put these burdens on their children. So so damaging.

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 09:02:44

Oh god yes. Then when at 13 dsd "decides" she never wants to see Dad again, she thinks its all her own decision because mum never actually asked her not to go. Dads pissed off and dsd thinks its all her fault.
In our case mum is now even complaining about how little child free time she gets so poor dsd feels out if place there too.

I swear if I could get that evil woman alone...

Macchiato Wed 24-Oct-12 11:05:31

NotaDisneyMum that sounds liek what we need to be honest, just got to get DP to grow a backbone now!! thank you for your help smile

houseelf That's so sad, I reckon there'd a alot of the same kind of dynamics going on here as well. DSD is very... aware. I don't know how to better explain it. I think she's more natural with me because she opens up a bit better, I talk to her when we're doing something like cooking so it gives her a distraction and i don't shine a spotlight on her if that makes sense.

DP is a little more blunt with her, and certain things she wont talk about, like she has been told not to.

It's hard to explain but i'm pretty sure she gets told what she can/can't talk about. it's so sad.

You're situation must be heart breaking housElf. I don't know what some people are bloody thinking! makes me so cross :/

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 12:30:35

Yes, it's important not to "quiz" her when she's with you. Make your place the sanctuary that she needs from all the crazy bat shit at home wink

Theydeserve Wed 24-Oct-12 22:09:12

not a disney - my contempt for their father knows no bounds. He gives in to the demands of his new DP everytime to the detriment of the DCS.

However, the e mail attached to something else he sent me also shows her discussing a more luxurious hotel if they only took 2 DCS and not his. She manipulates all the time and he is too weak willed to stand up to her - truly pathetic but she is malignant conniving bitch as well.

I hate her ability to change his mind for her benefit and his failure ot put them first. His life his - her, her DC1, her DC2, his job, him the his DCS - thye ar elow on the pecking order.

MsMadelineashton Thu 25-Oct-12 05:44:47

Theydeserve, I really feel for you and your children. What a nasty thing to do. You are obviously angry about it and rightly so.

I don't think it bears any relevance to the thread though I'm afraid other than that both problems involve adults who should be protecting the children and putting their needs first, abusing their positions. In your case your ex husband, in macchiato's her step children's mother.

Boggler Thu 25-Oct-12 10:04:53

Macchiato I'm confused you say that you can't afford to go north with dp, but you also say that he's staying with his mother confused so why can't you stay with your dc as well? Surely his mother wouldn't mind having all her grandchildren for a couple of days so you can have a family day out together. Also why does your dp have to stay up there for the week? Surely 2-3 days would be enough and that way your other child can have some half term fun with her dad.

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 10:59:59

Boggler It's the travel that we can't afford. We have both the girls bdays this next month as well. DP has now cut his time down to 3 days, because he has to back here for work. I feel even more sorry for him now because 3 days is nothing really. It's all such a mess, I just want to swoop in and sort it all out and talk to his ex but i can't :/

purpleroses Thu 25-Oct-12 11:58:16

But surely the cost of picking up DSD,and then returning her a few days later - which is what you'd rather he did and somehow the ex is preventing - would be pretty much the same as taking you and DD with him? (ie two adult returns and one child)?

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 19:15:11

DP goes up on the virgin trains and when he has a child with him he uses the friends and family travel card which makes 1 adult and 1 child cheaper then just 1 adult..... i have NO idea why, i've never booked the travel tickets myself.

To be honest, if we had known a bit in advance then we could have budgeted the train tickets in, but we were waiting on a response and everything had to be booked last minute. We've also made commitments here which we had hoped DSD would be joining in with.

His ex has now said DSD will only be going to his mums for one day, so thats an £80 on travel for one poxy day sad

Boggler Thu 25-Oct-12 22:06:07

Do you not have a car? If you do It would be much cheaper than the train.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:05:44

Boggler - what is your issue with the OP? How are your comments helpful or constructive?

The OP has explained it is too expensive for her whole family to travel, by train - and you ask if she has a car? Perhaps they can't drive, maybe they can't afford a car, maybe it's none of your business!?!

The OP is facing a lousy situation that negatively affects her whole family that she was seeking an outlet to vent about and your support is to question her lifestyle choices?!?

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 23:19:42

I only passed my driving test a few months ago and there's no way i would drive almost 270 miles. I don't feel ready For that yet.

Thanks notadisneymum thanks
Think i may abandon this thread now anyway. Just needed to vent really.

MsMadelineashton Thu 25-Oct-12 23:22:25

Good luck Machiato - come back wheneveryou like xx

Theydeserve Thu 25-Oct-12 23:55:19

Relevant to the OP = because all to often the Ex is betrayed as the bad mother stopping the new family etc etc.

There is as in my family nuances we do not understand but all too often on here the EX is the bad mother, bad discipline, stopping the new family etc when the other side is not presented.

Lets put it this way until 24 hrs before they left I thought Ex and new DP and all 4 kids were going on holiday, was not allowed ot know where and how long for but...

2 hrs after pick up time, I get a text ( just as they boarded flights) saying unable to do pick up will be back in 8 days. 2 distraught not understanding children, me one holiday to see my best friend down the pan and then a day after they arrive a pseudo contrite e mail, with extended shit on it -so I phoned the hotel and left a voice mail message. Response - how day you make me feel bad, I have a life etc etc and then a poisonous little text from his new DP.

Do not condemn until you know the whole pic

NotaDisneyMum Fri 26-Oct-12 00:09:19

theydeserve If you wander over to the Lone Parents board, you'll see that all to often its the NRP (usually Dad) who gets a pasting.
On the relationships threads, it's the uncaring spouse, MIL or black sheep
Siblings who get a hard time.

The step boards are for those of us dealing with difficult stepfamily issues - if you have a problem with your ex, then maybe other areas of MN would be more appropriate?

MsMadelineashton Fri 26-Oct-12 08:05:16

I agree I'm afraid.

elliebellys Fri 26-Oct-12 08:50:09

Your dp is at fault here.a contact order should have been put in place after the split,especially given the distances bdtween homes.its no good just blamin the ex.this seems to have gone on to long and a child doesnt know what an earth is goin on.if your dp wants this to change he has to get an order asap.

sanityseeker75 Fri 26-Oct-12 14:24:13

Our contact order states that the children have to made available by the mother to visit us at our home from a Friday evening until a Sunday evening at 5.00pm. It also states that the children are to be made available for us to take them on holiday for one week during the school six week holiday and from boxing day until New Years Eve. It did cost app £3000 and in reality made available does not mean they have to let them come but you then have the option to take them to court again. Because his ex does not drive it states that she has to make them available at the entrance to her close or any other prearranged location (we had had problems in the past picking up and dropping off which is why it was stipulated in order).

At the time DSD was due to have operation on cleft pallet so it was even written into by the courts that access had to be made available to me whilst she was in hospital.

It was a lengthy process and as SM you are not able to go into the court room with OH but you can wait in the court waiting rooms. We were lucky that his ex got bored of the process and we were also lucky as our solicitor advised that it is rare to be granted contact every weekend.

It is the hard going and sometimes I think the exes just don't think of it as using the kids to manipulate situations but good luck

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