I just dont know what to do...

[gemma200809]

Hi,
Im new to this but I need to talk to someone and Ive not told anyone how I feel.
I have been with my boyf for 2 years and we have a Daughter who is 10months. He has 2 Children from a prev relationship ages 4 & 7 and his ex girlfriend is what you would call a "Vicky Pollard" She leaves the kids with nits for us to sort out, she doesnt bath them regularly, they swear and shout as this is what they hear at home. We have had so much grief from his ex that I am at the end of my teather. I dont want my Daughter growing up learning from his kids how NOT to behave. I know it is not their fault and I do not blame them or take it out on them. My partner and I havent slept toghether for months and Its me who is stopping it. When our daughter was born, he had 2 weeks off Paternity and his ex guilt tripped him into having his 2 kids a week after id given birth for the week, I could hardly walk, had no energy and it was the last thing I needed or wanted. I keep thinking about leaving, to start enjoying my weekends to relax again and not to look after his 2 kids. We work full time and I cherish the weekends! Please is anyone else in my situation? I REALLY need some help and advice..Thanks.

[scurryfunge]

They are his children....what do you expect him to do? How can anyone be guilt tripped into looking after their own children? Sounds like they are better off with you anyway.

[gemma200809]

Scurryfunge, all I wanted was 2 weeks of quality time with our newborn baby, is that really so much to ask for?

[compo]

Well from his point of view he'd want his older two children to bond with his youngest

[Greensleeves]

I'm afraid it IS too much to ask for - he's their father and your baby is their new sibling

and their father having a new child is a time of vulnerability and emotional need for them as well as for you

I sympathise and I understand how you felt, but you can't have a relationship with a man who already has children unless you can get your head around this, IMO.

[scurryfunge]

Nobody ships their other children out on the birth of a child. Yes he can look after them and entertain them while you concentrate on the baby but he can't really ignore them. If you go on to have another child, you are not likely to ignore the other surely.

[scurryfunge]

It seems like the issue is a reluctance to be a step parent , rather than coping with a new baby. No one said it would be easy but children don't disappear

[Greensleeves]

nobody is being unsypatheitc or denying that it is very hard work

families are very hard work - whether you are a blended family, a family with SN or chronic illness or whatever

of course it's hard work

but it is not reasonable to expect a father to cut out his children for 2 weeks when their new sibling is born

if the OP is going to survive in a step-family she will have to accept that she can't just make his children disappear when it suits her, IMO.

[scurryfunge]

I like "sruccyfudge" as a new nn!

[gemma200809]

WE have them every other weekend and 2 evenings a week for tea and bath. Im obviously just not cut out to be a step parent. To be totally honest, i only want to spend my money and my time on my own daughter. I know that comment will probably cause up roar but its how I feel and you cant change how you feel. I dont think my partner and I will last in the long run because of how I am. I really do feel like I am the only person who hsa every felt this way and I also feel selfish for feeling this way.

[Greensleeves]

I think it's within the range of normal to feel like that tbh

but IMO you shouldn't be in a relationship with a man who has two children, because you are already resenting them and wishing they weren't there

you are in a mindset of putting up with them rather than wanting them around, and you want them to bugger off when something special and precious is happening in YOUR family

which isn't going to work, IMO

[gemma200809]

I think your right Greensleeves. I have even said this to him, that i only wanted it to be me, him and our daughter at xmas time and I broke it off because I just couldnt do it anymore and it wasnt fair on him. But he begged me to stay ect and thats why im still there. Just existing, only really happy when im with our daughter.

[Greensleeves]

I feel really sorry for you Gemma, it must be stressful and hard living in a family where you aren't happy with then set-up and don't want to be a step-parent

but I wonder what can really come of it to make you happy - do you want him to cut that side of his family off and "start again" with you and your dd? He wouldn't be much of a father if he did that, wouldn't he?

[gemma200809]

No i wouldnt ever expect him to start a fresh and forget his other 2 kids and ive said that to him. This is why I just dont know what to do. Im going to have to make a decision but id rather someone else would do it for me

[ElenorRigby]

gemma I can somewhat relate to your situation.

I/we are having a terrible time atm, so have little energy to post here at the moment.

hiding, I was worried about you, was gonna start a thread! I see you now

[Fruitysunshine]

I believe it is one of the most difficult things in the world - to accept another woman's children into your home whilst you live your family life with your own children.

There are no rules when it comes to how step families should live and how everyone should feel. Your feelings are not less important because your partner has children to a previous partner. Your feelings count 100% in your home and if you decide that actually you can't cope with his children in the house at the moment then that is your right. You are not stopping him seeing his children but he will have to organise somewhere different to see them like a relatives or somewhere. In time I would think that you would have been able to bond with your baby, got yourself back together in your own home and get to a point where you are ready to try and work with his children in building a new bond.

There is so much emphasis placed up "they are his children and are just as important". Maybe to him, but not necessarily to you and nobody can force you to feel that way. Time is what is needed. I had a friend whose husband left her in labour in hospital because his exw said he still had to do his contact that day. She refused to reschedule by a day or two - anyway, he missed the birth of his son as a result and this has left a huge hurt in his wife's heart, years on.

I have been a stepmum for 5 years now and it is so hard. Some weeks they ignore me, other weeks they compare everything I do to their mum. Who says I have to accept this? My husband does not threaten me with breaking up if I did not accept it, I do it because I have to know in my heart I did my best at everything I attempted in life. However I am mentally on my hands and knees now and dragging myself to the finish line - only another 8 years to go!

Good luck and congratulations!

[Hammy01]

Oh my god Fruity - ur friends husband missed the birth because of the exwife - fark me - now that would have crucified me. What an evil bitch thing to do that exwife.
Some very good points raised and I feel I just want to add and reiterate that being a step is the hardest most thankless job in the world.
Yes, as the adult I went into the relationship knowing that my husband had a son but noone knows how this will affect life as it goes on.
I suspect if many women as well as men were asked if they would get involved with someone who had kids from a previous relationship who had already been a step parent, they would run away screaming!
Its hard for the mother to trust that their ex's choice in new partner/wife material is going to look after their child and not subject them to any hardships or bullying but its also hard for the new partner or wife to be expected to be free childcare and bank for a child that they had no part in planning for...step parents cannot automatically 'love' a step child (some do and fantastic for them) as much as their own.
This OP was asking for advice and support, not another 'well u knew he had kids when u got with him' blah blah...that helps noone.
The birth of a new baby is always precious and some time together without the demands of older kids should have been a consideration by the partner.of OP.
Chin up...its not always this hard..'This too shall pass!!'

[onionlove]

Hi Gemma,
Just wanted to add my support.
I also feel the same as you sometimes and totally agree with some of the other posters on this thread - you are entitled to feel this way and no one should judge you.
I don't enjoy being a stepmother that much, the situation has been difficult for many reasons.
Myself and DH have recently had our own baby and we had my SD with us for the first weekend we brought him home and I found it a very trying time and craved my privacy. I still now crave family time for the three of us as my DH works quite late hours, I find it difficult to have one weekend in two together and some of that is spent doing chores as DH finds it difficult to do them when SD is here.
It is a hard job being a step and nothing can prepare you for it, at least with your own children you can learn as you go and grow together with them.
I'm not one of those people who feels love for my SD, I think she's a nice little person but I find her hard work at times and I leave my DH to make the decisions on her parenting although it isn't how I would do it, i.e. sitting playing nintendo all day as I know to get too involved would be frowned upon by her mother and my inlaws.
Still like Hammy says, it gets better as time goes on and it becomes manageable if not pleasurable. Just enjoy the time that you and DH do get together with your LO, I'm afraid sometimes we have to grin and bear the rest for the sake of our lovely partners :-)
Best of luck to you, look after yourself.
x

[timmyinatizzy]

I went through exactly the same feelings 2 years ago when my DS was born. Except my two DSD's live with us. When my DH was on Paternity Leave and picked my DSD's up from school, I used to sit on the stairs and watch out of the window whilst feeding my DS and dread the moment they came through the door.

DSD's went for 2 weeks holiday at their mums soon after DS was born and I loved the time that me and DH spent with our DS. And to be honest 2 years down the line I still look forward to those times when DSD's stay at their mum's, and I still dread the day the come home.

BUT the minute they fling their arms around me and DS all those feelings disappear. I know they love me to pieces and wouldn't swap me for the world and
I would swap them either! DS adores his big sisters and they adore him (he's their only brother, they have 2 half sisters).

I know its a cliche, but it does get easier.