How do I stop letting her get to me.

[thegingercat]

DP and I are very happy. Plans to move in together and have got engaged.

I have one DS, he has 4 DC. He is good with all the kids. We talk, have fun and have very similar view points on so many things.

Anyway his ex wife is real issue and it seems to be a constant battle with her.

She refuses to speak to him either in person or on the phone. Won't reply to his texts and often not to his e-mails even though she insists this is the form of contact she wants. They have had meetings with other members of family present but she just refuses to compromise and always insists she is the one in the right.

She also keeps mentioning that he has been violent and abusive in the past and that is why she won't communicate with him, but she stayed with him for 18 years and had 4 kids with quite big age gaps, so I struggle to believe this especially as in the two years I have known him, I have never seen any signs of controlling behaviour, anger or violence. I have seen him cry with frustration when his ex stops contact and he has slightly raised his voice when the children won't behave but other than that, nothing. He has a responsible job and I've never even seen him lose his temper at his staff or a supplier, although admitedly I'm not with him all the time.

He is reliable, dependable and pays maintenance well above what he should. He has good regular contact and she gets 6 days per fortnight to herself and she doesn't need to work unlike the two of us.

I am a very placid person who can always see two sides to a story and there is always an element of truth in her rants and demands. She constantly critisises him and his actions as a parent from anything from his hair washing skills to his medical knowledge or lack of input with homework. I see many issues on her side but we never say anything when the children haven't done their homework on her weekends or when the children are dirty or dragged in the car to her boyfriends an hour drive away when they are off school for being sick etc. etc.

He says he feels happy that he has found someone to share his life with, be it the postives and the negatives and he always copies me on the e-mails even the ones where she rants about the past and his awful behaviour.

She is now insisting he go to counselling before she will consider mediation (which he has suggested several times). He has said he will go, although he doesn't think he needs to if it means she and him can have a more positive relationship.

The truth is I'm scared of getting so embroiled in all this, I forget all the good things and I resent his children simply for having a mother who causes us so much heartache. I can't help but wonder if I should just stay put with my quiet and simple life with my son but then I feel that she has won in keeping DP and I apart, when we really love each other.

Is love enough? I've had some pretty tough times in my life already. I really wonder if I'm cut out for any more.

I think I need to learn some sort of coping mechanism - she hasn't really started on me and DS yet, but I have a feeling it won't be long once I move in and "neglect" her children.

[TheChicOfIt]

I completely sympathise with you.

My DH's ex is like this and it has at times made life almost unbearable. The only difference in our case is that her rants and raves are mostly utter nonsense so it is a bit easier to brush it off, but it still gets to us, especially when personal insults are thrown.

I'd love to say that in the last part of your post you are wrong, but I think this will be her next mode of attack - to "blame" you for things.

Can you imagine for a moment that she didn't exist - would you still be 100% happy about moving in with DP?

If so, then I would say go for it - it will only make you stronger, and able to put up a united front.

[thegingercat]

The answer to that is most definetely yes. In fact she had been quiet for over 6 weeks and I think I've fallen even more in love with him. So when he proposed, where I may have hesitated before because of his ex and the hassle and upset she causes him/us, I instantly said yes.

4 kids is daunting and I know it won't be easy at times but I do know I can cope because he is so hands on. The kids are good kids and all have lovely traits and personalities.

But the kids have learnt to play one parent against the other and I have seen perfectly happy kids send their mother texts telling her something different because they have learnt this is what she wants to hear and the eldest does tale tell to her mother and is becoming increasigly demanding of money and shows her father less and less respect. It's hard to ascertain if this is due to her "being a teenager" or if it's due to her mothers influence. If it's just her being a teenager, I can deal with it. If it's her mother encouraging her, then I find that difficult. Same behaviour but the reasons behind it make me feel so very different. That doesn't seem to make sense?

[TheChicOfIt]

It makes sense to me.

We have this with DH's DD - she is only 9 and she plays us all off against each other.

I think she just says and does whatever she thinks the parent she is with wants to hear. It's quite sad really as I do think that it will affect her development and relationships as she grows up.

I see a lovely little girl here most of the time, but I believe when she is at home it is a different matter.

I think probably in your case it is a combination of teenager and the situation.

It probably will be difficult at times, but your love for each other will get you through anything.

Remember that one day when all your children have left home it will just be you and him and you won't need to have anything to do with the ex .

[Latootle]

my kids used to come home after a wkend with their dad moaning like hell but I choose to let them rant, say not a word and when they finished just say oh well you're home now what do you want to eat etc. The main thing is not to let the ex's behaviour get to you both, try and ignore it do not rise to her. once she sees that her dramatics aren't having the desired affect it should calm down a bit. if she doesn't reply to an email don't send another one she;ll soon contact if she wants rid of the kids for a wkend etc. you wait and see.!!!!!!!!