Stepmother to v spoilt 12-year-old - can I step in?

[WeeScone]

Hello everyone!

My first time on here. I joined I wondered if anyone could help - I don't know anyone else in the same situation.

I've found myself the stepmother of an occasionally delightful but mostly spoilt 12-year-old boy - naturally the usual books don't have much to say - I think my situation must be a bit extreme!

He's a bright young chap, doing very well at school, an avid reader - things I'd be really proud of if he were my own. The trouble is, his parents (who separated when he was 4) have indulged him, spoilt him, and never bothered with a routine, discipline or manners. He has no siblings or cousins, and so has had adults running around for him his entire life.

I realise that he could have turned out a lot worse, but I think someone ought to be imposing some discipline, teaching him things like housework, cooking, etc - that all seems to be down to me, and I'm struggling to convince his father that there's a need for change.

Also, I've read in several places that a young teenage boy needs an adult male mentor that's not his father. His Dad rejects this because he's tried the Scouts in the past and hated it - apparently this means he doesn't have to try anything else.

How do I persuade Indulgent Dad that his son is like other kids, and advice on raising them is relevent to his own child?

And how much is it my business when there's no chance of the biological mother following up on the changes I want to make?

[foolio]

WeeScone, welcome.

I a sort of step mum too. Only known the SD for a couple of months. She doesn't have any siblings either.

I think she's incredibly spoiled too. If you're asking for advice - SAY NOTHING.

You're in the unenviable position of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The only thing I have been able to do is lead by example. SD now makes her own bed and I am training her to hang her clothes up rather than hang them on the floor.

I get no support from my DP, as he would only say that she's been traumatised by the divorce, hence the indulgent behaviour.

Sorry, I suspect this was not the advice you were hoping for!

[WeeScone]

Actually, that's not so bad, foolio - I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I worry too much, I suppose - I'm really concerned about my DP's relationship with DSS in the future (lack of respect, etc), but I guess if he's not bothered, I shouldn't be either. It's just not very nice to live with, particularly when it's my weekends that are being ruined by shouting, sulking etc!

I don't have kids of my own and have never planned to have any, but if I'm with DP, I feel it's my responsibility to do my best by DSS as well.

My own Mum was ultra-strict with us because she was a single parent, and I don't think it's necessary to be like that as DSS already has 2 parents, but things like DSS making his own bed and contributing to the housework, cooking etc are, I think, not unreasonable.

[foolio]

WS - I know EXACTLY where you're coming from!!

I don't have kids either but if/when I do, they won't be raised like the SD! My mum was strict too (you're not Scottish by any chance, are you?) and I was brought up to help around the house etc.

I feel for you having weekends ruined by this. I feel the same. I am a bag of nerves when SD is there. I'm a worrier too!

I'm off now, chat to you later? Tell me more about your life with SS if you like.

[foolio]

One more piece of advice, given to me by another step mum - detach, detach, detach!

Keep saying it until you believe it.

[HerBeatitude]

Does your DH do his fair share of housework?

Becuase you can't really make your SS do it, if his father is not role modelling it. And if his father is role modelling it and it is a normal thing for all the members of the household to contribute, then it should happen quite naturally.

Who is picking up the 12 year old's shit if he isn't? You or your DH?

[paulaplumpbottom]

I can appreciate your situation but you are not his Mom or his dad. Its up to them to parent him. It is not up to you to make changes.

[JeMeSouviens]

If your SS is not following the standards you like in your home, then of course you can help teach him. If father isn't interested, you can introduce the ideas to SS yourself, and would be in his best long-term interests to do so.

I don't get this whole "you're not his parent, butt out" business.

[Greensleeves]

I think your concerns are valid tbh and from the tone of your post it doesn't seem to me that you dislike or resent this child, or that you have your own best interests at heart rather than his

in fact you sound quite dedicated and kind

BUT you are in a non-win situation, because you have no jurisdiction when it comes to decisions about him - that's just the way it is

There's nothing to stop you from having a gentle influence in the right direction through your day to day dealings with him though - lots of adults will.

a word of friendly advice though - please don't refer to his mother as the "biological mother" - she's his mother, that's it. She didn't give him up for adoption.

[SpringyThingy]

I remember vividly a conversation I had with another mum in the same boat as your DSS's mum i.e.DD going off at weekends to Dad and step mum who wasn't a 'mum' herself. At the time my DS was about 5 and I was struggling with XP. She told me about her teenage DD not wanting to see her Dad anymore because all she ever had to do was chores. I remember feeling a little that she had DD all to herself but she was virtually in tears. She described how she just wanted DD to have a lovely relationship with Dad and how step mum wanted a pristine child free house.
Now I'm not saying thats the case here, but you really need to detach before someone somewhere paints you as the wicked step mother. You'll never get thanked for the worry, work, stress that goes with being a step mum so just take your foot off the pedal a bit and try to enjoy him.