Young Step Mum

[Biby]

Hi,
Im all new to this but I'd really like some help and advice.
Im 24years old and been with my partner for 2years. he is 14years older than me, divorced twice and has 4 children from his first marriage. Two girls 14 and 15 and Two boys 10 and 11.
Their mother is an unemployed alcoholic with a verbally and physically abusive boyfriend.
I see the kids almost every weekend, they have stayed over a few times and we have taken them on holiday with us.
Their mother is having particular trouble with them misbehaving at the moment and as they dont have a particularly good role model, they are slowly going off the rails.
Their mum has now reached breaking point and has asked us to take the boys from her.
Though Im certain I can provide a more stable, loving environment for them to grow up in, the prospect of bringing up two nearly teenage boys is daunting.
We have agreed to take them and are making arrangements, seeing solicitors (we dont want to be in the situation that we sort them out and then she demands to have them back) and checking out the local schools.
Its probably worth mentioning that my partner has had a vaesectomy and its unlikely i can ever become pregnant.
Is anyone in a similar situation, have some advice, do's dont's?? or am I crazy to even be considering this!!

[BitOfFun]

Good advice from ScreaminEagle- don't be a mum, but don't be a pushover. You need to draw new boundaries based on respect.

[dinasaw]

I was in a similar situation. It's a hard one to go through. You need to commit to the full stretch. There will be some tough times ahead but also some brilliant times that make up for it. My stepsons have now been living with us for several years. They see their mother a couple of times a year, that is their choice and always has been.
At times you need to step back and take a few moments out to get your head around things. And then you step back in and get on with it.
I have always tried to put first what is best for the children and that includes sacrificing my career and having children of my own. That's what we do. It's a thankless task but you just get on with it.

[canvasdomain]

I am 10 years younger than my dh and he has a dd from previous marriage. She spends half week with us then half with her mum.

I agree dont try and be there mum but do have boundaireis dont let them off with things to get them on side you need there respect as the adult.

my dsd was only 4 when I met my dh she is now a teenager and we get on well. It also helps that I can help my dh on teenage dilemas as I can take a step back and look at bigger picture so we end up all agreeing

make sure you seek legal advice about taking the children to live with you so she cant take them back when she feels like it. Law should be on your side with her asking you to take them in the first place

[Biby]

Hi,
Thankyou all for the advice. I'd love to say we are a step closer to getting things sorted but we're not!
The wonderful ex has now decided that instead of wanting us to have both boys, only one is causing her enough trouble to want to get rid of!(god only knows how the poor boy is feeling!)
I'm having a chat with all of the kids tomorrow, as we have decided that we should allow them all the choice and if the four of them want to move in then we would let them.
The solicitor we have been to see has said that as she is willingly allowing us custody we dont need to go through the courts but if she wanted them back then we would.
I seriously cant even put in words how angry the ex makes me when she is treating all this as if she is just handing over a naughty puppy!!

[2rebecca]

Do you really not want your own children? A relationship with a bloke who'd had a vasectomy would have been a no no for me. 2 failed marriages before, and he chose to live with a woman for at least 5 years who is now an alcoholic. It's sending out lots of "run away" signs to me. If you're not totally obsessed with him I'd be looking for a bloke with no kids who can still have them and doesn't have lots of bagage and emotional and financial commitments.

[Biby]

We have been together for nearly 2 years and I knew from day one what his marital history was and that if we wanted to have kids in the future that we would have to either spend a lot of money on a reversal or adopt. I hear all the time from his friends that Im nicely normal in comparison to his exes and he says that he wishes he had met me first!
I couldnt be selfish enough to bring another child into the world when his are so in need of better mothering.
I realised when all of this started that I would have to choose between a life with him or without him and Im not ready to not haev him in my life.

[Biby]

I had the chat with the kids yesterday, the two girls don't want to move and are looking forward to life without their brothers, The elder boy who we are definately taking on, feels awful! he was close to tears several times when we were chatting and feels totaly unloved being the only child his mother doesnt want living with her. he summed up perfectly though that the reason he wants to live with us is be cause we dont "get drunk and fight" which seems to be a daily ritual with his mother.
I also found out the reason for the sudden change of heart with the youngest boy - his mum has promised him a brand new x-box when his brother moves out!!talk about buying love!!!

[timmyinatizzy]

Oh dear this is all quite sad for your eldest DS. It sounds like he is a sensitive soul that could do with some unconditional love. You may also want to think about some counselling for him too.

On a practical note ignore the advice about not making it legal and do so before you need to get an emergency residency order. We went with the same advice from my DSD's mother as she voluntarily let them move in with their dad and me. Then 2 years later, she moved 4 hours drive away and on her first contact weekend 'kept' them. We had to go through several court appearances and over £10k to get them back, because we didn't have any legal custody order.

[Biby]

thanks timmyinatizzy,
The solicitor has suggested we get her to sign a statement or letter that we put together ourselves (which i've done) and then if she wants him back she will have to take it to the courts as 'legally' she has signed him over to us.
anyone else had experience of this and suggestions of the best way to go about it??