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Step-parenting

Differerent house, different values?

11 replies

foureleven · 10/04/2010 00:22

Does anyone has any thoughts on how this should be tackled?

My step daughters mother runs her house with such polar opposite values to us that I struggle to explain this to step daughter who is 11.

Three examples would be; 1, Mum chooses not to work so has more time and possibly energy to do EVERYTHING for her daughter bar wipe her bum for her. In our house I expect the kids (both her and my 4 year old) to help out where possible because there is no one at home to do these things. And I also think it does their sense of independance and acheivement no harm.

2, Mum lets her eat anything she wants, pick at the fridge, eat TV dinners. I serve lots of veg and stuff and we dont snack between meals.

3, Mum tells DSD she doesnt have to worry about school because she's so pretty she'll probably just marry a rich man... Im a feminist.

I beleive in my house, my rules! I also think that as those rules are what my daughter works towards, the other one should too. because they are equal in the house.

That said Id very aware of making her feel like I think my way is better than her mums... I dont feel that is right. I wouldnt want my daughter step mum telling her that.

In short, I dont want to change my standards or sell out on my values. But neither do i want to make DSD uncomfortable by making out that my way is better than her mums.

How can I approach it on a day to day basis/ long term?

  • Im not looking for whether people agree on my way or hers. Im not trying to make a point (in this thread anyway ) That i'm a better mum. i just want to work out how we can both install our values in to DSD without belittling the other one!
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piscesmoon · 10/04/2010 08:56

I think that DCs are very adaptable and can cope with two different lifestyles. It is a bit like going to school from a relaxed home with no boundries and finding the opposite in the classroom-they just buckle down and get on with it. I don't think that they compare the two.
I don't think that you have to bring her mother into it at all. You could just apologise (I can't think of a better word-it is just a question of being polite). I would try something like 'I'm sorry, but you are going to have to lend a hand, it is the only way that I can run the house and my shopping is carefully worked out-I'm afraid that it doesn't cater for snacks. She will just get used to it. I would leave school work to DH, just set by example. It is more what you do, rather than what you say, that has the long term effect.

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Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 10/04/2010 15:28

I had exactly this problem, but less from a chore perspective and more from a boundary perspective - for example - DSD1 (13 at the time now 20) didn't have a bedtime at mums and was allowed to watch 18 films, wear a full face of make up to school that kind of thing. We just laid out what our rules were and that she was expected to follow our rules at our house. Much easier with DSD2 who is now 13 as I have made an effort to build a relationship with her mum ~(helped by her mums partners attitude) and so we discuss issues that arise. There is still some discrepancy but again, it is just our house our rules, mums house mums rules.

I'd get your DH/DP to lay out the rules to her rather than you, that way you avoid being the horrible step mum!

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foureleven · 10/04/2010 16:13

thanks both helpful

We also have the no bedtime thing at her mums. and 18 films. Her mum also does that spending-money-on-child-to-win-childs-affection thing..

Its hard work hey!

Thanks for the support

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piscesmoon · 10/04/2010 18:52

I think that letting her Dad lay down the rules is a good idea. I think that they are easily adaptable and if you just act normally i.e. as yourself, she will work out that you have her best interests at heart.

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Tanga · 10/04/2010 20:32

We have this, too - DSS isn't allowed to do anything at home (including brushing his own teeth and he's nearly 8!) Luckily he wants to be more independent so it's not a battle.

Must be really hard for them, though - doing it 'your way' can seem like a mini betrayal of their mum so we used lots of positive reinforcement sticker charts etc.

Actually as piscesmoon says, the behaviour stuff was relatively easy (there was some resistance to chores etc) the harder stuff for us is attitude/social opinions (not sure how to describe it) like for example Mummy calls the police 'pigs' and people who work for a living 'mugs' and that has led to some embarassing moments but all you can do is be yourself and say it is OK for people to think and believe different things.

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CloudDragon · 10/04/2010 20:45

we have this and DSS is very adaptable now (aged 13). His mum does everything for him, she doesnt work and only has him, we have him and 2 toddlers so he has to do things. We have very different ideas about food/internet usage/tv time/ life attitudes.

I've discussed it with him and he agrees (to a point..obviously he prefers some rules to others) that it is good to learn that different people work in different ways.

Agree with getting your DP to enforce/agree rules with you as otherwise you will be the baddie.

Never bring up her mum's way of doing things, if he does just say 'well we do it this way here' without casting judgement as it will make him defensive of her mum and maybe questioning her parenting which isnt nice for a child. good luck.,..it's hard!

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Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 10/04/2010 21:36

Foureleven - it is hard work and although it gets easier I think it is always harder than parenting your own kids.

good luck!

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Sushiqueen · 12/04/2010 07:05

We had the same thing as well. Anything went in their mums house (allegedly!) whilst we had rules.

We just said (endlessly it seemed on times) that every house is different. And that how their mum ran her house was up to her and how we ran ours was up to us.

We did explain why we had certain rules - ie not staying up to all hours disturbing everyone when I had to get up at 5am for work.

Eventually it seemed to get through and they did admit they actually some of the rules as it showed that we cared what happened to them.

We did make sure that we never slated their mums opinion.

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Avasmum74 · 12/04/2010 11:41

Thank the lord - I thought that I was the only one with this issue! My partners 2 boys are 4 and 9, and they come into our house, turn the television on to what they want to watch and expect to be entirely pandered to. They are constantly wanting to play on computer games, which i think is wrong for small children anyway, and therefore, I feel like I am constantly moaning, because I would rather that they play outside, or at least play with their thousands of toys that at least require some imagination. My baby is only young, but I do not want her growing up and seeing this behaviour as acceptable - I do not want her to be bought up in the same way! When I do try and get the boys to so something else apart from play computer games, they just moan that they want to go back to their mum's, which makes me feel bad, because my partner adores them!!

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BigHairyLeggedSpider · 19/04/2010 16:51

We were under the impression that the DSS's mum let them stay up really late, play their DS's when they wanted, eat no vegetables and lots of snacks etc. Which is far different to how we do things at home, and was making life difficult "because we're allowed to do this at HOME".

Eventually I got DP to TALK to his ex-wife, as we're all getting on much better than we used to, and we found out that they go to bed far earlier than we thought, are not allowed to play computer games solidly, and are encouraged to eat fruit and veg, and she thought we were the ones with the relaxed home life.

Now the DC's know we all get on well, and all talk to each other about their boundaries and progress and they are much better behaved. Mostly because they know they can't get away with pulling the wool over any of our eyes.

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BigHairyLeggedSpider · 19/04/2010 16:59

And Avasmum, don't feel bad about setting some rules, kids will try and swing a situation their way. Our reasoning for banning the computer games when they are at ours (except for long car journeys) is that we only see them for a few days each week, so during that time we want to spend time with them, not watch them play their PSP's.

Get your partner (so it comes from him, not you) to ban computer games (and TV if it's a problem, unless there is something you all enjoy sitting down as a family to watch) and any mention of them for a weekend. Tell the DCs that whether they get them back depends on how much they are mentioned. Then go and have loads of fun doing stuff outside (get the hose out in the sunshine) and they'll soon work that they have far more fun, and get moaned at less if they don't play the computer games so much.

If they moan that they want to go back to their mums just smile sweetly and tell them they can't and to go and find something else to do. You and DP are the grown-ups. You are in charge. The kids might rail against this for a while but so what, that's what kids do. They'll get it eventually.

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