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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

need some wedding/step kids advice please

106 replies

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 15:35

I'd like some views/advice on whether we should have my partners kids at our wedding. They are 7 & 9. They don't live with us, we have them on weekends.
We're having a small low key wedding. My problem is that if the kids come it means the ex dropping them off and picking them up. There is no way I am having her anywhere near my wedding. There is no one else really who could pick them up.
Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other. he says he doesn't know if he want's them there or not. There will be no other kids there either.

I'd really appreciate some advise/tips or anything you could offer.

OP posts:

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JeMeSouviens · 17/03/2010 15:42

They are your DH-tb children, yes they should be there. I understand your reluctance to have the ex doing the dropping off.

Couldn't one of your/his friends or family that are attending do the pick up and drop off? Are his parents attending? They could make sure his DC are ok.

DinahRod · 17/03/2010 15:50

Can not the dcs come to you first prior to the event?

How about corralling either parents or aunts/uncles to take them under their wing for the day?

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 16:05

Thanks for your replys. The dc's couldn't get to our house beforehand. We could maybe get a friend to pick them up. His parents are coming but they would not want any meetings with his ex.
i doubt that even if we had a friend or relative who would be happy to take care of the kids for the day that the kids would co-operate with that. they'd be constantly badgering for our(mainly their dads) attention. I'd love to have one day where its all about me and my DP. Just one day. I've not spoken to any family about this yet, just me and my DP. He doesn't know what he want's either, he has the same views as i do xx

OP posts:

JeMeSouviens · 17/03/2010 16:31

It might just seem strange in 5yrs that they weren't at their Dads marriage ceremony.

How about if they came just for the exchanging vows part of it and some photos?

Do they live in the same town, someone would be able to drop them home on the way to your dinner?

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 16:37

We're having the ceremony and reception in the same venue. Yes they are in the same town. I hope this isn't horrible but I just want it to be about the two of us. Can anyone tell me about their experiences of marriage, and if the dsc were there? Really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/03/2010 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 16:48

Thanks for your reply. I think maybe getting a friend to pick them up en route so they can attend the service and take them back afterwards is probably the best idea. If we ask someone who knows the kids well to pick them up, take care of them during the ceremony and then take them back afterwards that would be the best option. It's difficult to accept for me, I know its harsh. My DP doesn't know what he want's either. Thanks for your help

OP posts:

3andahalfmonkeys · 17/03/2010 16:54

a marriage is about becoming a family. the children are going to be part of your family. when we got married last year (3dc and 1dss) it was about the dc as much as us. my dss actually stopped with me the night before even though 2 of my dc were at my mums as we didn't want to see dh's ex on day and he wanted to. Tbh I am really surprised their dad doesn't know if he wants them there - for me it shouldn't even be a second thought.

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 17:11

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about my DP. I think we need to talk about it more but in my mind i think the simplest way is a friend picks up th dsc en route then takes them back after the service. Evening doo is adults only anyway

OP posts:

geordieminx · 17/03/2010 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissLaRue · 17/03/2010 18:33

i thought this place was for people to share their feelings and ask for advice when they are scared to voice their opinions anywhere else? oviously i am wrong. I've read posts on here where women are experiencing similar issues involving their step kids and the only place they can voice their opinions is here as they can't do it anywhere else. Thanks for your useful advice geordieminx.

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 17/03/2010 18:39

dont have your dps children at your wedding at your peril.... they will feel left out and not part of the family

do you want to be a step mum or appear a wicked taking awy my daddy step mum?

StrictlyKatty · 17/03/2010 18:41

"Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids"

I agree that's really not very nice. There are his children and should be the most important people in his world.

If you don't want them there I'd really be questioning how committed you are to them being a part of your life.

Greensleeves · 17/03/2010 18:42

I agree with geordieminx, that was a really odious remark

you do come across as a spoilt kid

I would wake up to the reality of being a step-parent before it's too late, if I were you

soapboxqueen · 17/03/2010 18:43

I agree with geordieminx. You are marrying him and his children. They would feel horribly left out.

Sister in-law had a similar situation. The children came, there was never a question, and they were given special jobs to do to make them feel involved.

Ivykaty44 · 17/03/2010 18:45

you cant help who you fall in love with - but as you have fallen in love with a man who already has children there will need to be some sacrifises by you.... this is the reality of the life you have fallen for.

Fruitysunshine · 17/03/2010 18:50

I am a step mum and have my own children too as well as one with my husband.

All of our children were at our wedding because the day was about "us". That included what came with us which was our children. You are not only becoming a wife and gaining a husband but you are about to become a stepmother and wife.

If you have the attitude at the moment that you do not want to "share" your husband to be on the day you really should be questioning what kind of stepmum you are going to be because life will get much harder and being a step family brings all sorts of complicated and emotional challenges that can break up the tightest of couples.

His kids should not have to fight for his attention with an adult - it is their automatic right as his children to be the centre of his world.

Marne · 17/03/2010 18:51

We didn't have the step children at our wedding, we got married on a friday (a school day) and we didn't invite any children. We then took the step children out for a meal on the Sunday. They seemed happy about the arrangement, if they really wanted to come then we would have let them come.

I think some of you are being a bit harsh, i can see why you wouldn't want the ex showing up at your wedding and i can see why you don't want to have to worry about the children at the wedding (looking out for them etc..).

Fruitysunshine · 17/03/2010 18:53

The ex does not have to be at the wedding - there must be one person who can take them to the ceremony on the couple's behalf - they live in the same town.

KwanYin · 17/03/2010 18:55

Absolutely no question - they should be there. You are marrying a man who already has children, so having them around at times like this is something you will just have to accept. Put yourself in their shoes. How do you think they're going to feel about being excluded?

JeremyVile · 17/03/2010 18:55

Do you know, I'd probably be the same as you. Never really thought much about weddings but if there was a day/event that was very important to me I wouldn't want someone elses kids getting in the way and demanding attention, I'm afrad I just dont have the patience for it.

But then because I am that selfish way inclined I wouldn't be a step-mother.

I think you have chosen this man and you need to now act in a way that takes into consideration the children you now have some responsibility for. Your perfect day Vs them knowing they were not included in a very important part of their fathers life.

JeMeSouviens · 17/03/2010 19:01

I think OP has already decided to try and get someone to bring the children to the marriage ceremony and then drop them home after. She has said the evening do is adults only as well. Not sure why she should make an exception for that part of it.

DH and I got married in Vegas and as it was just us, his DD didn't come to that part, much to the disgust of her mother. However we then meet up with our friends/family somewhere else and had a wedding dinner which she did come to. Of course no comment on that part. You just can't win sometimes.

Yes include them for the ceremony as this is the part that is important, you and their father committing to each other.

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silverfrog · 17/03/2010 19:04

I think that you should include them as much in the day as possible.

do you have children youself, OP?

FWIW, I am a stepmother, and my stepchildren (then aged 12 and 10, I think, wasa long time ago!) came to our wedding. the only way they would have NOT been there was if they had not wanted to attend - they were given the choice.

we also asked each of them if they wanted to play a part in the wedding - readings, bridesmaid, etc. neither did want to, but both felt very strongly that they wanted to be there.

I can't believe your dp doesn't know if he wants them there. tbh, that would put me right off, i he doesn't know whether he wants his childrent o be part of one of the most important days of his life.

And I'm afraid I'm another who comes down on the side that it isn't actually going to ber a day about just you and dp, anyway. you don't really ever get those again after children are involved.

Rindercella · 17/03/2010 19:14

There was no question whatsoever that my DSS was one of the main people at our wedding - he is a very important part of our family!

Whatever you may think, your wedding day cannot just be about you. You need to compromise, to include people you might prefer not include, etc., as you are joining two families together. I do understand why you wouldn't want your partner's ex to be anywhere near your wedding, but it seems that you have thought of a way to avoid that.

If you marry a man with children, you need to accept that they come as a package - how could you want to be with someone who would have it any other way?

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 17/03/2010 19:23

WOW how nasty to want to exclude his children from their fathers day, I think you are going to have a very tough time as a step mum

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