My boyfriend disciplines my son but the same does not apply to his own children

[Becky36]

I have been with my boyfriend for eighteen months and we are now living together. My five year old son lives with us and his two daughters (one biological (7), one step (13))live with their mum but sleep over a couple of times a week. To be honest his children are mostly really well behaved and lovely girls. The problem is not them at all - it's him. He tells my son off fairly frequently, not in a horrible way but all the same it has started to bother me. On the other hand he never ever tells his own children off and if there is even the slightest suggestion that his children, while lovely most of the time, might not be perfect he flies off the handle. His attitude seems to be that he doesn't see his children all the time so they can do whatever they like but it's ok to tell my son off because he lives with us. My ex-husband is very much in the picture and by that I mean he is a great dad and sees a lot of his son. I just feel that after only a month or so of living together we should be easing the kids into the new situation and not creating divisions and problems between them when they get on so well. My son has started to pick up on this favouritism and I don't want him to feel like he is being picked on.

[2rebecca]

If he would tell your son off for something he should tell his daughters off if they do the same thing. I wouldn't accept favouritism. Also if you are present he should leave the decision as to whether or not to tell your son off up to you and not over rule you.
If he isn't going to be fair then I wouldn't want to live with him. I would make it a condition of living with him that you treat the children equally allowing for age differences.

[Roan]

I would definitely put a stop to this: NOW. Your ds is your and your ex's and any disciplinary measures should come from you, esp. when it's not like your son has been badly behaved but done something different to what your partner expected. This constant nagging has to stop.

I'm not saying a live-in partner cannot tell a child off but he should discuss this with you first and best leave it up to you. It must be a bad experience for your son to be bossed around and nagged by your partner, please consider that. You as his mum have to have his back.

Could it be that your partner disciplines your son because he is a boy? And his girls are 'girls' and get a softer touch? I would definitely not have that.

[ChocHobNob]

Agree. You need to speak to him and explain that it wont work unless every one is treated fairly.

I discipline my DSD if my Husband isn't in the room for example. I'm not going to let a 2 yr old hit another child and sit back and not say anything because I'm not her biological parent. She's 2, so waiting until my H came back into the room and asking him to deal with it then would be pointless. She wont associate the cause and effect.

This is one of the things I was quite adamant about with regards to out relationship and all the children. There will be no favouritism. All children treated the same. Same rules for all. None of this "Oh well he/she's not here much, I don't want to tell them off" etc etc. It's not fair on anyone.

I hope your partner will listen and allow you to both discuss it calmly.

If he wont listen and carries on, then there's not a great deal you can do about it Either allow it to happen (unfair on the kids) or go your separate ways (unfair on you). x

[Becky36]

Just as an update I have now moved back into my house. The constant nagging from my boyfriend towards my son was starting to make me really cross. I understand that it's a bit unrealistic to feel the same towards step children as you do your own but at the same time you can't play favourites when all the kids are together. It had got to the point where his children (particularly the younger one) had started telling my son off too!! We are back home now, just us two again and the peace and quiet is lovely.

[2rebecca]

That's a shame, but sounds the right thing to do.
Some people just want to leap into being a stepparent with both feet and overrule the parent which I find controlling. I'd have been telling the girls to stop nagging and leave the boy alone. I think if you don't have to live with someone else with children you're often as well living near each other.

[MollieO]

Well done. It is so easy to put up with things for the sake of a quiet life and to maintain your relationship with your dp. Your ds is very lucky to have a mum who so clearly puts his interests first .