Can I get some advice?

[pippaNnippa]

My sister has been with her DP for 5 years. He has 3 DC's the youngest one 6 years old. He was a SAHD for the fist 6 months of his youngest's life and then was told to leave by his exp and the relationship ended. He then met my sister 3 months later.

He had to move back to his home town 4 hours drive away from his DC's as he could not afford to live near to them as he had no job etc. (this is where he met my sister)

He decided to retrain and do an apprentaship so he could work his career around seeing his children. Through his retraining my sister has fully supported him and has taken him on holiday etc.

His exp has often refused to let him see his dc's for months on end (as a reaction for my sister taking him on holiday) and been abusive etc about their relationship.

He has now fully retrained and has been offered a job which is great for his career but would mean that (due to csa payments and the cost of him driving picking up the kids and returning them every month) would result in my sister still supporting him slightly.

I'm finding it hard to be a kind ear to my sister atm as she is finding the financial and emotional burden of having a dp with children hard. I have 1 dc and she is both of our first so I can't put myself in her position.

[pippaNnippa]

Sorry if a bit long but basically whats the kindest way of telling her that she should either get over the financial burden or get rid? Are these the only 2 options?

[BlueCollie]

I don't think there is any easy way to this problem. I've now said to my OH that we go halfs on everything to do with house etc. (This after taking out a loan in my name to cover court costs and lower our overall outgoings, paying for everything to do with our baby, all the furniture for our house and most of the costs towards our wedding...as you can tell I started to get a bit bitter) The money left from his wages he needs to save to pay his personal bills like car etc. I've also said he needs to save the money to go see his daughter and if he hasn't got it, he hasn't got it we are already in enough debt going through court to try and get access for him. I have absolutely no problem with him paying maintenance or him spending his money to go see her but I'm not paying for him to go. I'm already paying for everything for our baby as if I asked for money towards swimming lessons etc he really would have no money to see her )not that he ex lets him see her at the moment). If your sister wasn't there this is what he would have to do...only be able to see his kids when he had the money to. Surely it's better to do it this way than become bitter and leave....in fact he'll be worse off if your sister leaves him as paying all bills by yourself is more expensive.
Sorry if I sound harsh. I'm nice really

[buttons99]

I guess if she wants to be with her partner she may end up supporting him partly financially. My DH gets no maintenance from his ex and my ex is very hit and miss whether I get anything at all despite being supposedly being sorted by CSA, we each contribute towards the upkeep of all the children of the family. If she wants to be with a man with children already she will just have to accept helping him financially. It sounds like he has worked to better himself and do all he can but the money just won't stretch far enough. Helping financially is a part she will have to play to be with him.

As her sister I guess you either have to listen and try to support her despite not having any of your own experience as a step parent (believe me its not easy and she will need someone to sound of to, I wish I had a sister) or be blunt and tell her you don't want to listen to it but then if you do when you have times in your life that you need her be prepared for her to not be as supportive as you may wish she was. Maybe compromise and say she can have a good moan a couple of times a week but you also want some days with other topics of conversation??

[pippaNnippa]

Thanks, I do speak to her often and do provide support it's just hard putting myself in her position- it would be easier putting myself in his ex's position as I have a child IYSWIM.

I have told her that this situation will get better (as the children get older they will be able to make their mother let them see their father regardless of her mood) and that it is worth it as she really does love both her DP and their DSC's.

Another thing is that her DP has retrained in a profession where it would be very lucrative to be self employed but not that secure. The position he has been offered is from the college where he trained.security is good for him seeing the children but self employment is better earning potential and better for their relationship (less commute etc)

[piscesmoon]

I would just be sympathetic. He doesn't come alone-he comes with DCs so she either accepts it, and all that goes with it, or leaves him. There is no middle way.

[pippaNnippa]

I'm sorry I didn't mean unsympathetic- I'm always on the end of the phone to her etc but I just can't put myself in her shoes. Thanks for the advice, @I think she's just realising that he will always have baggage- for the rest of his life.

I'm sure she will accept it but I think for someone so free spirited (loves to go travelling etc) she's finding it hard.

[piscesmoon]

Unfortunately it will always be a drain on resources-if they all go to university it will be a cost for a long time. Perhaps she needs to sit down and have a real talk about finanaces, rather than drift from day to day. Does she want her own DCs?