I don't think I can do this anymore

[LetsStartAgain]

I think, in the new year I am going to seriously consider throwing in the towel. I just can't do it anymore. Every day is like walking on egg shells. I find myself stressing out about the smallest thing because I know, although small, I'm absolutely POWERLESS to do anything about it because in this house, my opinion means nothing.

DSD lives with us, she's almost 13 and although deep down she's a good kid, I just find her so difficult to live with. I'm a very solitary person, as are my kids. So when my own kids come home from school, we have a chat, they do their homework, we have dinner and then they disapear upstairs for a few hours. DSD doesn't. She sits in the living room sprawled out on the sofa from the minute she gets in from school until she goes up to bed at 9pm.

I find that very difficult to live with. I know she's not actually doing anything wrong but it clashes with my personality. I just can't stand someone clinging 24/7.

DP is just as bad. If I go upstairs, he follows. If I go in the kitchen, he follows. If I'm going out, he insists on coming with me. I just get no time to myself.

Personal hygiene is a massive issue too. Dsd goes for days and days without showering so often stinks of sweat and stale urine. She leaves all her dirty clothes in massive piles in her bedroom for weeks and then brings them down and chucks them onto everyone elses washing. I recently found a used sanitary towel lying on DS's new pyjamas. DP doesn't think its a big deal but it makes me bolk and I find it so hard to deal with.

Then there's DP and his hypocritical stance on everything. He tells me I shouldn't be tidying my kids bedrooms yet tidies his daughters despite her being older than my kids. He tells me my son is cheeky yet stands there whilst his daughter screams at him "DO IT NOW!! I CAN'T WAIT!!! IT NEEDS DOING NOW!!! HELLO??? NOW!!!" etc

He's so petty too. A few days before christmas, the kids were told to get a biscuit each out of the bicuit barrel. Turns out there were only half biscuits in there but DS1 and DSD got a few anyway. When it came to DS2 going in, there were none left so I opened up a new packet. THEY ALL HAD THE SAME AMMOUNT, just that DS1 and DSD got halfs.

Anyway, despite none of the kids being bothered by this, DP ran to the kitchen and got the packet of biscuits out, handed DSD another whole biscuit and said "there, now its fair". She just stood there all confused. I said "what are you on about?" so he said "well, if DS2 is getting full biscuit, why should she have halfs?" ??? wtf and he argued his point until even his own daughter walked off in embarrassment, giving my kids some of her own personal sweets to make up for it.

Another example, christmas day. All the kids got new slippers. DS2 was stood there in his so I said "here DS, let me have a photo of your funny slippers"

DP then panicked and said "DD stand over there and lets have a photo of YOUR slippers too". He said it as if I was displaying another of my wicked step mother moments but I was only taking a fucking photo of a pair of slippers.

Well, I've just had enough. I'm not cut out for all this compromise and sacrifice and understanding and whatever else. I've tried and its just not working. I admire those of you that can stick it out. I'm holding up the white flag

[coldtits]

thuis is a partner problem, not a dsd problem, I feel for you but your dsd sounds normal. It's your partner who;s the jerk.

I suggest relate.

[DollyMessiter]

I agree with MrsJammi that the main issue here is regarding your relationship with your DP. Maybe you could seek out some counselling to help to deal with the difficulties surrounding the blending of two families.

The personal hygiene of DSD needs dealing with asap. Assuming she has no special needs, she is old enough to take care of herself, and it is important she does so.
Is her mother on the scene to talk to her about it? If not, maybe discuss with DP whether he will deal with it, or whether he would prefer you to.
You could take her out shopping and buy some nice toiletries. Get her a laundry basket for her room etc.

[MortaIWombat]

This all sounds very familiar. Have you posted with similar problems before? because I think I remember you receiving some really good advice. (gritted)

[LetsStartAgain]

I have posted before but I tried to make it work and its just driving me insane. I know DSD isn't doing anything bad, I just don't see why she needs to be sprawled out in the living room 24/7. In her room she has a brand new LSD flat screen TV, DVD, Wii, laptop, Nintendo DS, books, yet she refuses to bother with any of it unless she can bring it downstairs. All I ask for is a bit of time on my own. DP just doesn't understand but you can guarantee that if my DS was downstairs for more than an hour DP would be saying "can't you find anything to do in your room?" but its fine for DSD to be glued to the living room CONSTANTLY.

As I said though, its not her as such. I just want it to be back to me and the kids again. So I can come and go as I please, leave the washing up if I want to, have a drink when I want to etc etc....I just want to be my own person again.

I would do anything to be a single parent again. I'm so stressed, I feel trapped here. Everything I do is wrong. He makes DSD go to judo every weekend but she hates it and he's at work so I'm left dragging her there. Meanwhile my own kids get left at home sat in their rooms again.

I have to look after the 3 kids on my own constantly but if I dare say I'm going out I get "you're not leaving me with all the kids".

I just want out so badly.

[Rainbowinthesky]

It does sound like you need to get out. IS there anything stopping you?

[ThumbleBells]

leave then - it sounds like you want to.

[memoo]

If you want a bit of time on your own why cna't you go to your room?

[LetsStartAgain]

Because one of the kids follow me and if they don't, DP will.

Only thing stopping me is finding somewhere else to live.

[Bonsoir]

There seems to be a real issue of "personal space" here - your DP and your DSD have very different boundaries to you and your DSs. You will feel invaded (and constantly tense) until this is resolved.

It is perfectly in order to have an upfront discussion about this with your DP and your DSD, and to explain that the communal living area is just that, it is not DSD's personal space, and she is not to spend all her time there between returning from school and going to bed.

Do all the children have their own bedrooms?

[LetsStartAgain]

She has her own room but my children share a bedroom. If I bring it up, he has a go at me and says I'm picking on her. I am allowed no opinions or concerns.

Another thing that bothers me is that she sits in there all day in her pyjamas and dressing gown. Both of which stink. So the entire living room smells which makes it unpleasant for anyone else to sit in there.

My eldest son spends all his time upstairs, my youngest son is almost the same and I feel like my own kids are being pushed out because DSD doesn't understand that people need personal space.

I don't want her in her room all the time but I feel like she has two rooms. Her bedroom which is her own personal space and the living room which is "her" living area.

[Effjay]

You sound very angry and not very happy. I think the issue is that you don't like DSD and therefore don't like being around her. You do have a tricky situation with the personal hygiene, that would drive me mad. Are there any privileges you could withdraw if she doesn't have a shower, say, every second day? I would try and find your 'personal space' through doing something purely for yourself on a regular basis ... a hobby or something??? That's what helps me keep my sanity. This may not help ... it's just a few suggestions?

[LetsStartAgain]

I do like DSD, she's a good kid ... I just don't like having to be around her 24/7.

It's like when we go anywhere, she clings like mad to us.

We took the three of them to York maze and whilst my kids wanted to run off and find their own way around the maze, she refused to leave our sides.

Same with the seaside, the other two will go off playing, she'll hang around us moaning. When we go to the forest, the other two get a map and off they go exploring, DSD will mope beside us whinging that her feet are hurting, she's too hot/cold/bored etc etc

Christmas day she moaned about two of the DVD's we bought her, said a DS game we bought her was boring, her TV was too complicated, the wii game was too difficult ... she liked the dress we bought her but "Only just"

Its like everything has to revolve around DSD and my own children fade into insignificance. My youngest son is doing his best to go and live with his dad because he hates being here so much.

[Bonsoir]

If her clothes smell, why don't you wash them? It is perfectly reasonable to go into her room, sort through her clothes and to wash the ones that need washing. Of course, it would be even better if she could manage this herself, but if she cannot/will not, you should be doing it for her IMVHO.

And you can tell her that you are going to wash her hair/cut her nails etc, if this needs doing and she doesn't do it (or do it well enough). And you can order her to have a bath (and send her back in again if she isn't clean enough afterwards).

We have all these issues with the DSSs and really, they don't mind that we tell them that personal hygiene is a must - they know we do it because we care about them.

[LetsStartAgain]

A few weeks before christmas I'd spent all day trying to tidy up and make the living room look nice. This involved removing DSD's smelly dressing gown from the sofa, taking all her stuff upstairs, moving the wires from her laptop from the sofa etc etc and just as I'd finished she reaches her head back from the sofa and whines "dad ... my hair needs straightening"

He says "go and do it then!"

She said "I can't, can't be bothered, can I do it down here?"

he says "no, living room has just been tidied, do it in your room"

she replies "I can't!!! I'm too lazy!! please ... can I bring my straighteners down here?"

He says "why can't you do it in your room live everyone else?"

she says "I can't be bothered"

He says "right, ok bring them down here but make sure they're back upstairs straight afterwards".

Why the hell couldn't she be made to at least straighten her hair in her room?? why does EVERYTHING have to be in the living room??

[LetsStartAgain]

When my own 8 year old son can go in the shower and wash his body and his hair, I'll be damned if I'm going to baby a 13 year old girl and sit washing her hair etc for her, what kind of message will that send my own son?

And if I go in her room and start rummaging through her clothes and taking them downstairs, my own kids are going to turn around and say "well, if you do that for her, you can do it for us too"

I just can't win.

[Bonsoir]

at straightening her hair in the living room. That is a very serious invasion of communal space and must be stopped.

FWIW, I get cross if the DSSs do their homework in communal areas (unless one DSS is asleep - they share a bedroom at our place - and the other one still has homework, when of course using the dining table for homework is OK).

[DollyMessiter]

I think DSD sounds like every other teenager, tbh.
I don't see why she can't hang out in the living room of her own home.

You do sound very resentful of her; do you think perhaps you're deflecting the problems with your partner onto her?

One thing I would insist on is all the children helping with chores around the house.

[Bonsoir]

mrsjammi - that's the approach I go for!

And it works really well, IMVHO. Tolerating anti-social behaviour (including mess, not decluttering) around the home does children no favours.

[LetsStartAgain]

All her homework is always sprawled out all over the living room floor too. Honestly, I know I probably sound mean but it is as if the living room is her own personal space.

Its got to the point where me and DP sometimes stand in the kitchen bored because she is dominating the living room but if I say anything, I'm picking on her.

He won't have a word said against her.

One time he even took the sky box from the living room up to her room so SHE could watch TV ... not giving a thought to what me and him where going to do all night with no TV.

[Rainbowinthesky]

maybe you could have talked with each other.... (runs quickly)