Wkd stepmothers' blog

[wkdstepmother]

Hello fellow steps!
My second post on here, so I thought I'd share my 'journey' as a step mum, as it'll probably be rather cathartic to type it all out! hehe!
Am I allowed to 'blog' my experiences on here do you think? I'd like to share with you all anyway...

Met my OH in Spring 2008. He has an 11 yo son. Both OH and I had been divorced 2 or 3 years before we met each other and had not had a 'proper' relationship in between, perhaps a few 'flings' but nothing proper.
We get serious because we find we are perfect for each other in every way.

The one 'problem' in our relationship is his looney ex wife....

We have 'mini me' every other weekend and in holidays/Xmas etc, which is an existing arrangement which works fine for everyone.

Start to get to know 'mini me' and we get on fine, he's a good kid.

Summer 2008 we decide it would be a great idea to take him away with us for the weekend, camping and to a car show, as we know he would love it. Mini me is all for it, and looking forward to it.

First strike from mother....
Day of trip, 11am. Car all packed up. She decides to get on phone to tell mini-me he is not going as she is not having him camping....(WTF???) Her excuse is that 'he's never been, so he's not going'....
I launch into mental rage of fury (on my own I hasten to add) as to why she won't let him go anywhere....
Mini me goes home, but we still go on trip, to show them that mother does not run our life.

Mini me starts secondary school Autumn 2008. He decides he is interested in playing the guitar, and pesters us to fork out £££'s for fancy electric guitar for Xmas, which we concede as long as he takes proper lessons and not just messes about with it.
I arrange proper lessons at £40 a month, out of my own volition, and pocket, and time, once a week after work to take him.
Lessons go fine until mother decides he is not having the guitar at home and he has to keep it at our house...
Lovely, that's really good, encouraging your own son to follow something he likes....(NOT)
We continue with guitar lessons until, mini-me's birthday comes along, and mother decides he's not going that week. (She knows very well when the lessons are). She takes him out for a meal instead, using HIS birthday money! (Cue me going into another mental rage of fury as I think that's a serious sh1t trick to play on your child).

After 2 more weeks of 'excuses', the guitar lessons stop because, we presume mother has told him he's not to go any more.

We decide on my birthday in the summer that we will take a camping trip for a couple of days to Wales, as we can't really afford big holiday, having moved house 20 miles to be nearer stepson, having moved enormous mountains and at great cost to do so.

We talk to mini me about this and he's ok about it. Bearing in mind he's now 12, and we don't believe he should be in 'our tent' we have a pop up tent for him, so it's like his own bedroom. Mother gets to hear about this and puts her foot down once again to TELL us he's not going camping unless he sleeps in our tent. We have to explain that our tent is not big enough for the 3 of us, and that a 12 year old boy should not be sleeping with adults. But she has obviously put the fear of god into mini-me and that something bad is going to happen, what with him being all of 18 inches away from us. Furious that OH does not stand up to ex wife in such matters, I tell him to go and grow a pair of bollix as I am not allowing her to run our household any longer!

Trip cancelled, but we still decide to go to the beach for the day. Ends in tears as mini me is not used to being outdoors or even getting his face wet (mummy doesn't let him play out which is why he is lazy and overweight but that's another story), so a paddle in the sea turns into extreme drama and 'being stung by a jellyfish' (not a mark on him).

It's now coming up to Christmas and mother sends 'shopping list' for us to TELL us what we are buying for Christmas, including a stereo she has picked.

I immediately recognise the trap, warn OH and explain to him that what 12 year old has a big CD/radio/stereo these days, especially when he doesn't own any CD's.
(Mini me already has i-pod, computer, every games console in the land....)...this stinks of fish, and 'mother' obviously fancies a new stereo for herself me thinks...

OH questions ex wifey to which the response was: "I have CD's he can listen to".
We did laugh. Her taste in music is appaling. At least mini-me likes our music thank god! (we are into indie music and not Michael Bolton clap trap crap!)
We manage to persuade mini me that he can have a docking station, and one of his own choosing. Bless him, he has chosen one at half the price that mother 'wanted' and is in fact, far superior. I explain to him that the cheaper one is in fact, better in terms of style and output. He likes this idea (hopefully to play music as loud as possible to annoy mother!)

Currently, mini-me is not sleeping in his own bedroom at home, as 'mother' decides to 'decorate' his room and get him new bed. For the last 8 or 9 weeks....

We discover that mini me is sleeping in mother's bed. Age 12 1/2. Extremely unhealthy, but mini me is so heavily tied to hhis mother's apron strings she probably does not see the issue here (Freud would have a field day!!)

Mini me got his new bed as a reward I think, by being suspended from school a second time in 6 months for fighting. On day 1 of suspension (we find out via mini-me's Facebook of all places), Dad asks to take him to grandparents house as he has a day off work. Mother says no, because under suspension rules he is not allowed out of house. Fair enough.
Day 2 of suspension, mother takes him to Ikea, shopping.
Double standards!!!
When suspension was announced by school, mother demands OH to drop work immediately to attend school meeting (which he just can't). She creates, because he "doesn't ever help her with anything". She needs to have a word with herself as she does not voluntarily send copies of school reports (I made him demand this which finally arrived in September....) and has not got him named at school as 'parent with responsibiity' (although he has 50% custody) nor does she ever send him an invitation to parents evening (this year she text him to say he was uninvited because, and I quote ("You're an arsehole"...for no reason by the way) for school plays (we get to find out mini me is in a play AFTER the event...) and the like. (I bet HER OH goes with her, though!). Again, those cheeky little double standards appear!

Yesterday, was the final straw. Mini me was given money by his grandparents and uncle for Christmas.
I have already spotted a flaw here. I spoke to mini-me at weekend about money, as he asked me for money to buy his friends Xmas presents (£10). I reminded him he had 3 weeks spends from his grandmother last week, and what had he done with it.
It had gone missing in his house..he put it ddown but it's not there any more...
Mother is bankrupt by the way. She blew a load of cash on something or other and didn't pay the bank back. We know because we got her letters somehow in a mail redirect. I wonder if the childs spends are going into the Official Receiver's pot. I sincerely hope not!!!

The Xmas shopping list has been ticked off our end (with consultation via mini me). Her response is "IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GETTING HIM" (It's a few hundred pounds worth, but obviously she sees the need to measure love for child in pound notes....)

I speak to OH about the money issue and suggest that i get mini me a money box, to keep his spends at our house where they will not be touched, and I personally will match whatever his grandparents give him. So he earns 100% interest just for leaving it there for a few weeks, thus teaching him to save up a bit for a change. Then when he has 'earnt' enough to go and buy games and crap he wants we can take him shopping and thus, for my part of the bargain, we know where the money is going.

Dad skirts round this issue slightly with mini-me by saying that we look after his Xmas money and will take him shopping next week to spend his money (at least we know where it's going), then 'joke' that 'we have beer money for the pub tonight'..mini me looked horrified as to think he really thought his dad and me would spend his money. Of course we were jesting and would never touch his spends.

But I wonder was his horror a recurring memory for him...has this happened to him before at home? (I'd wager it's a dead cert).

True to form, not ten minutes after we land home, mother gets on phone demanding the return of the money to her custody: "I TOLD YOUR FAMILY" (the emphasis on TOLD I would imagine) that he was having money for clothes for Xmas and that SHE is taking him shopping, not US! (She's such a bully)

Which is interesting, as I buy him clothes now and again, Dad pays very healthy amount of CSA each month, yet we have not seen any new clothes or shoes on mini-me for most of the year.

Mother is obviously pocketing this cash.
I offer to buy mini-me winter coat, as he doesn't have one on him (again, despite me reminding him to bring a coat with him when he comes to ours). It concerns me that he has hardly any decent clothes, and the ones he has on him generally smell of chip fat (I presume the washing machine is next to the deep fat fryer in their house).

So Dad does not argue with looney ex, and just ignores her (not sure if that's good or bad as she still gets her own way) and doesn't get to take his own son Xmas shopping.

The worry is, if we don't ask for proof, you know poor mini me isn't going to see all of his Xmas money. He didn't last year, either .

The brunt of all of this situation, is that we are dealing with a very jealous and bitter woman. I am nothing to do with her marriage break up, but she treats it as such.
She has never even looked me in the eye, so we aren't on speaking terms (even when I have brazenly knocked on the door, myself, to pick up mini-me just to piss her off!)
Mother has supposedly moved on with other bloke. Yet we know she bad-mouths US to mini-me. OH caught her doing this a while back and, conveniently forgot to tell me, but instead sulked the whole weekend about it (thanks very much). Although I managed to beat it out of him and gave him an almighty bollocking for taking notice of his ex wife over me! She got the result she wanted that time, she spoilt our weekend. Never, ever again.

I feel something brewing in the air though. We are having mini-me over Xmas hols and New Year (but not Xmas day as its her turn). I wonder what stunt she will try and pull this time...

Mind you, you can't kid a kidder. She's not that clever. I remain one step ahead of her at all times.

More updates as they occur....

Thank you for reading the On Going Saga of the Control Freak Ex Wife!

(I'm not after winning the Booker prize with this one just yet!)

[SleighGirl]

I would chuckle deeply if it weren't for the fact that your DSS is suffering.

Poor lad! Glad he's getting a fab present from you this year of his own choice. The school has an obligation to tell your dp when all the school events are and he can insist on his own parents evening apointment too.

[Frostythesurfmum]

Stuff like this is hard to deal with, but you seem to be getting really embroiled in it. Did you want advice or just an opportunity to vent?

[wkdstepmother]

I suppose it's somewhere to vent my spleen, yes! haha!

If anyone would like to advise then please do and I'll take it on board.

Of course I'm embroiled Frosty, hard not to be. But in reality, I rise over this nonsense and don't say a word in front of SS, I know better than that!

It really is mini me I feel for, and of course I'm not in a position to do anything, such is my role as wicked stepmother! I'm not a parent am I.

His mother just fills his head with so much crap it's untrue!

[SleighGirl]

I took it as a cathartic vent

[Frostythesurfmum]

I do understand how easy it can be to get caught up in it all, but I did find that detaching from things and realising that there was nothing I could do to influence anything meant I found things a lot easier.

I would make sure that the school have your contact details and get details of parents' evenings, concerts, reports etc sent directly. Build up a relationship with them so they can talk to your dh directly about concerns. You don't have to go via his ex.

And when it comes to Christmas I wouldn't get into a discussion with her about it (and I'd certainly ignore a shopping list!). Couldn't you just buy him what you'd like to buy him without any discussion with him?

I think I'd be inclined just to let the money thing go. I think by trying to tempt him to leave it at yours you're putting him in a difficult position with his mum, and he'll feel pulled between the two of you. It's not right what is happening with the money, but for me I think that would just be one thing I wouldn't get involved with. And I be asking people to buy presents and not give him money.

And the other thing I definitely wouldn't do is deliberately do something "just to piss her off". Dsd's mum had a problem with me for quite a few years. She told dh never to expect her to speak to me - and for a long time she didn't. But that was her problem, not mine, all I did was wait for her to be ready to start doing so - and if that meant not dropping dsd off at hers, not answering dh's phone, whatever it was, then I did it. The way I looked at it was that we were going to be around each other forever and there was absolutely no point in pissing her off because we'd never build bridges and also because dsd would be caught up in the middle of it. For us it worked, and I am now welcome in her house with or without dh.

[wkdstepmother]

Thanks MrsJammi, frustrating is the word.
Ah well, notwithstanding the text from mummy at 0730 hours this morning...."what DVD's are you buying for SS"...dearie me, someone must have wet the bed! We ignored that text.

I asked OH today about the cash..he has put his foot down and said a resounding NO to it being returned, ex wifey is NOT having it, which is a right royal result IMO. Her reaction to this: "oh just do what you want!!"
See what we have to deal with? A whole lot of my frustration has historically been borne out of OH's unwillingness to "rock the boat" and argue back to ex-wife. He's a quiet-ish bloke who just isn't interested in any more squabbling or confrontation. But sometimes, blokes just need a bomb up their arses and have to be reminded that they have an enormous responsibility in front of them - their child! I feel he's left too much 'to chance' in the past and just letting mother get on with everything and him being a 'weekend dad' which I don't want either. A child can have just as much stability if he has a good family life at both ends.

Having thought again about the school play last week, where SS had, I hear, a leading part, I feel mother deliberately told SS not to inform us. When I asked SS about the play he immediately said, nonchalantly, "oh, it was sold out, you couldn't have come"....what a fantastic excuse eh?......to which I reminded him that if we knew about it prior, we could have bought tickets. Presumably the 'proud' and 'doting' mother was in attendance. And his father should have been, too. Not too fussed personally as I class school events as 'out of my jurisdiction' not being a parent.

The only thing I don't really want to do is to have SS having sets of belongings in OUR house and at home. They're HIS belongings as far as I'm concerned and he can keep them where he wants.

Shame mother does not follow the concept as I find the whole (forgot this chestnut): "any Wii games I have bought you have to come home and any THEY bought you can stay there" (which is a shame as he has a Wii at our house but not one at home, so the games sit and collect dust under his mother's petty snide cloud of bitterness!)

...or the clothes I buy him either don't ever re-appear from mother's house (i.e. you don't see him wearing them too much) or she sends them back with him in his bag; and any clothes SHE has bought have to go home.
I feel the poor lad is confused enough as it is without all this caper. We're not like that.
As it is, the guitar has been 'sent back' as 'she' does not want it in her house...FFS!

I have to inject humour into this situation otherwise I'd go mental.

And of course, it's good to share experiences and have come to realise, you need to treat these people for the fools they are, and that way you keep your sense of humour intact!

[wkdstepmother]

...oh, and to add to MrsJammi's post regarding deciding Xmas presents... I've been 'weighing up' SS and some things he might like. Perhaps more 'traditional' 'boys' things.
In a constant effort to keep him away from Faceache and MSN, I get him to sit down and watch programmes such as James May's Top Toys.

He quite liked the one with the massive Airfix kit....so he's got 2 WWII planes to make over the holidays. And I will sit and supervise and make sure he makes the damn things! lol!
Especially as the paint (all 23 different colours, mind) cost 4 times more than the kits!! He doesn't know about them, so it's another stocking filler which doesn't involve him staring at a screen playing games!

The next bit of fun will be to drag him out of the house and actually GO OUTSIDE (SHOCK!!) and take him to the outdoor ice-skating rink in town.
He's already decided "I can't do it" (lazy!) but if we have to drag him kicking and screaming, he'll go, as it's some outdoor type fun which he's seriously lacking in!

[Frostythesurfmum]

Were you not tempted to text back "Debbie Does Dallas" or "Hot Babes Vol II as he already has Vol I here" .

[wkdstepmother]

Hahahahaha! Brilliant!!
She'd explode with mentalism!
I'll suggest it to OH later ;)

[harimosmummy]

Detach, detach, detach, detach, detach.

Maybe your DH doesn't want to rock the boat because his relationship with his child is more important than another argument with his ex?

having been a step mum for over 10 years and having dealt with MUCH worse controlling behaviour from Dh's ex than you cite above, I can promise you:

1. There is no point in fighting about it. it WILL NOT change her position / view point one iota. But, it WILL provide her with ammunition to keep the fight going.

1. The fight about money / contact time etc., is rarely (if ever) anything to do with the child, but the ex's desire to be central to the whole situation. Fighting is really what she wants because it saves from having to move on and deal with whatever her issues are.

1. the children will see the wood from the trees eventually. Even if they also go along with the status quo. they do know whats what.

1. YOu will drive yourself demented... And for what?

And (as a mum as well as a SM, well, I'd hate to think of sending my DC somewhere where they were referred to as mini me sorry I would)

At the end of the day, these are not your children and this is not your fight.
Support your DH to the hilt - absolutely - but this is his fight to fight (if he chooses to) and if he chooses not to rock the boat for the sake of his children, then I think you should respect that.

Hm

[yerblurt]

christ she sounds like a more severe version of my ex.

Read some of mrsjammi's and my posts.

Call it cathartic but better you vent here!

[DuelingFanjo]

open him up a bank/building society account and put his xmas money in there?

[harimosmummy]

ANd what then? Watch what he spends?

You have just got to let it go

[PeppermintJunkie]

Well firstly, I've chuckled away with my Pringles on the sofa at this posting

And finally...

Harimosmummy makes good points in that if you continue to fight her, you're giving her the ammunition to keep the war going, it takes two to fight, although where my partners ex is concerned, you could put her in a room and she'd happily argue with herself for hours I'm sure

Again, whereby H's comments are concerned, this really IS all about control BUT ...it's very easy to advise detachment, not so easy in all situations to actually do it. Imagine you're having a really crappy day and the ex comes along after whining and bleating perhaps for weeks, you have some serious stress to deal with and she hits you with something that just tips you over the edge? I know from MUCH experience that it matters not that it's her doing the pushing, but you get pushed too far and all hell breaks loose .

Vent away WKD, sometimes it's the best way rather than personally and verbally attacking the biological mother IMO. You can tell your partner until you're blue in the face what you think he SHOULD do because we stand on the outside, it's up to him whether he follows this advice through or is prepared to suffer at the hands of his ex and fall prey to being held to ransom over his child for the rest of their lives. What it all boils down to, is that the only person really suffering here (AS ALWAYS) is the child/ren in these situations ...

x

[PeppermintJunkie]

plus i can say things on here, no one in real life would understand as they simply havent had the experiences the step paents on here have.....

I know how you feel MJ, it's rare that you have RL friends who understand the full extremity of some situations regarding step-parenting in its worst form, you feel like you're ranting on about nothing else and getting on peoples nerves such is the frustration?

Again..as you have agreed...it's all about the control, they have nothing else in their sad little lives to concentrate on it seems. If they spent half as much time on their children as they do inflicting such cruelty on their ex's, they'd do a half decent job of parenting!

Oooh errrrr...I've started now