Help - hate my step son

(102 Posts)
Boop81 Sun 18-Oct-09 16:24:42

Hi,
I've been looking at some of the posts on here and was inspired to ask you for some advice. I'm having real problems coping with my feelings towards my step son. I've been with my partner for about 18 months. We married quickly - 10 months into the relationship. Quick I know, but I've known this man and his son for years. I'm really close with his family, having been on holiday with them etc for many years. I got on fine with my step son before we were together, and even when we first got married, but now I'm having real problems. I hate weekends, I hate him coming here to stay. He's always questioning everything, butting into conversations and generaly being annoying. I've spoken to my other half about this and he just says to tell him off, but I really want to smack him, which I would never do, but it bothers me that the urge is there. He's not particulary untidy, he can be disrepectful at times, but I suppose that's normal for any 11 year old. I've tried everything to bond with him, taking him out for the day, playing games with him, but I just don't want to be around him any more. My husband works nights, so sleeps on a Sunday afternoon, which leaves me with him. I find anything and everything to distance myself from him. I know that he's not stupid and has probably picked up on the fact that I don't like him, which leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. I just don't know where to go next. I can't stand him hugging me or trying to sit next to me. He makes my flesh crawl. This is really hard to admit, but I hate him. I even took a job at weekends so I wouldn't have to be at home. That jobs finished now, so I'm back at home at weekends, and I dread them. Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can change my thinking about this? I've tried talking to my other half, but he just doesn't get it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!!

WakeyCakey45 Mon 06-Oct-14 17:22:26

If I ever doubted the fact that there are some posters on MN who trawl the stepparenting board looking for posts that vindicate their own negative view of stepparents, this thread is it.

It's been resurrected several times as a zombie thread over the last 5 years.

Haven't people got better things to do that wade back through pages of posts (or search for the term "hate my step son")? Does it make people feel better when they find a post that vindicates their firm belief that stepparents hate their stepchildren?

There is no possible, justifiable "reason" for resurrecting a zombie thread just to say how shocked and appalled you are by the contents, is there?

purpleroses Mon 06-Oct-14 17:19:48

Why does this Zombie of a thread keep getting re-activated? The OP's son will be 16 by now! It's very odd the way this one keeps getting posted on again and again months after it's dropped off the step parenting board confused hmm The OP hasn't been on it for years.

Petal02 Mon 06-Oct-14 17:06:07

I'd guess that the OP hates the situation she's in, rather than hating the child.

Bigoleheffer Mon 06-Oct-14 16:40:58

some of these responses are heart breaking. I can't imagine any good person hating a child and wishing them to disappear. It never fails to shock me the level of hate and bitterness spoken on this board.

turbogirl Sun 28-Sep-14 03:09:49

I think you all are harsh and judgmental. Kids can be brats and an 11 year old is smarter than we give them credit for. I can't stand my step son if he disappeared I wouldn't give a damn and I'm a good loving person but I have a daughter on the way to protect. I'm not about to let a step son of all people hurt her or act out just because he can. Who ever started this post I'm so sorry you feel this way I commend you for being nice as I also have to pretend but definitely search out your heart and know you're not alone you're not a terrible person and it will work out.

Arielwasamermaid Sun 10-Aug-14 17:38:30

Thanks Dozie! I have a long time to wait! ;) I have always got on very well with young kids, I think the trouble is I have to keep quiet about a lot of things because it's his Dad's job to tell him...Dad is not at all strict about anything...a gentle man, one of the things I love about him...but he never gets cross with his son. I really don't want to be the one that checks his son...I refuse that role...I'm not responsible for parenting him. But I think I just don't like the way he speaks to me...can't quite put my finger on it...guess we aren't going to like everyone we meet are we and we didn't choose each other! It's very hard! I can't help it, much as I try!

doziedoozie Sun 10-Aug-14 10:02:39

I would imagine that as your DSS grows into a teenager, and someone you can actually discuss shared interests with or things you can remember yourself such as secondary school, your relationship will improve.

If you don't have familial ties it is hard imo to get on with small children.
My DSIL was a teaching assistant and is much more able to make friends with our shared younger relatives than I am.

Arielwasamermaid Sat 09-Aug-14 15:48:55

It's been very interesting reading this! I feel something very similar. My partner's 9 year old son is an only child and not used to sharing, his parents have a much more laid back approach to table manners than I do and as an only child he is very used to getting what he wants, coming first, indulged in lots of ways really. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not as 'nice' as person as I thought I was...I can't seem to stop finding him extremely irritating and wanting to avoid him! I am the mother of boys, now teenagers, have fostered children and worked in primary school for years...I thought I'd be good at this and am so disappointed to be feeling like the evil stepmother! I seem to get on very well with him, and he likes me I think...I can be fun and I think I'm kind and fair, but I get so irritated! His Dad seems to me to treat him as though he were 4 years old and cute...this adds to my irritation! Finding that I am keeping out of their way a lot. My partner is hurt that I don't think little Johnnie is funny and endearing! I need a special pill to make me think sweet thoughts! Help!

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

Eliza22 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:58:09

He's 15 now!!!

I wonder how this panned out for Boop..... And the boy?

Boop?

Fairystepsthought Mon 24-Jun-13 20:24:18

Totally agree with Maitri - people think that because you love your dh or do that you should love their dscs too and i think that sometimes it feels like you should too but it doesnt quite happen like that does it? sounds like you're doing a great job to me. Stick at it - he does sound like a normal 11 yr old - perhaps he's just testing the boundaries?

PrettyPaperweight Mon 24-Jun-13 07:41:00

daisy The DSS is not 11, he's 15. This thread is 4 years old.

daisychain01 Mon 24-Jun-13 02:25:00

Petal02, at the age of 11 DSS is developing and changing. Why isnt it reasonable to give things a chance to build trust and enjoy a positive relationship? It is realistic and I am speaking from personal experience as a DSD who now loves my DSM as if she were my own despite having terribly conflicting feelings. It took time and patience, and my DSM has been patient beyond words with me for however long it took!

PrettyPaperweight Sun 23-Jun-13 20:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:35:25

I think building a bond can sometimes be unrealistic - you can't force feelings that don't exist. Sometimes being kind, polite and respectful is sufficient?

daisychain01 Sun 23-Jun-13 17:37:09

OP perhaps it was the language and words you used that could have been chosen with a little more circumspection. Hatred, making your skin crawl, may I suggest such words are not appropriate when referring to a young lad, who may well be crying out for attention, hence the butting in and not behaving as you would wish, All that said, we are ALL human and your frustration, bewilderment at your negative emotions come through very strongly. Would some family counselling help to put things into perspective and heal this sad sitaution and maybe build a bond with your DSS?

MiriamWhite86 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:45

Boop I can completely relate to how your feeling, and appreciate all the other positive feedback people have given here.
I love kids and am very close to my young nephews and thought as a step parent I would feel that same way towards my partners son. We have busy lives and sometimes I find it near impossible to be trying to organise out lives around his son.
He is a great kid, and I know he adores me and couldn't ask for better really. I know this, yet still I dread the weekends we have him and feel like us rather be somewhere else, or spending time doing things I would rather be doing.
I do my best to try and organise things with other kids and families the weekends we have him, and initially I didn't find it hard, but a year in I just don't enjoy his company and find the whole situation inconvenient and annoying, and I feel guilty for this as I know he is a great kid!
I don't have kids of my own so part of me feels like I am sacrificing half of my life for the sake of my partners choice to have a child.
I suffer massively, alot of it being guilt, as I want to be a good parent and role model but just feel myself despising my partners son for so many of the reasons others gave above. I don't look at him and feel love, I don't look at him and think he's cute. All I see is someone else's child.
Clearly it's a massive lifestyle change and reading all the comments above are a huge sanity! And it is also good to hear from a step child's perspective.

NameInChalk Fri 23-Mar-12 11:32:45

*ZOMBIE THREAD*

This is a particularly sinister one as well. <shudders>

Martina27 Fri 23-Mar-12 11:31:06

Good on you Boop81 for being so honest about your dark thoughts about your step son. Having dark thoughts doesn't make you a bad person.
It sounds to me that there is possibly quite a lot more to this story than you have had the time to tell us?

Autumnsun Thu 01-Jul-10 19:57:41

Well said buttons - I began step parenting a 5 and 8 year old. Now they are 11 and 14 and boy is it a different story!!

buttons99 Mon 21-Jun-10 09:22:54

Wow shoedal1 - hope your halo never has a reason to drop off your head. i would imagine every stepparent would wish to have the idealic step family set up and adore their stepchildren, but in the real world we are not all that lucky...maybe you are. Your post is incredibly cruel to a stepmother who is clearly struggling and came on here for support..if you cant be honest here where can you. Lets hope the day never arrives when your stepchildren become a problem (older then now is a highly likely time!!!) and you need support...and for what its worth I cant imagine any parent hasnt had days where they don't dislike their own children so why should stepchildren be any different...unless of course you are the mother of a child who never puts a step out of place!!!! Maybe its you who needs to grow up and think of another adults feelings rather than purely harping on about the innocence of childhood.

shoegal1 Sun 20-Jun-10 23:08:19

This thread is atrocious! How on earth can anyone say that an 11year old makes their skin crawl? My partner has a 5 year old girl and a six year old boy, they have their moments (as all children do) but as a mother to my own 5year old I recognise that they are children who most of all need love, care and security in their lives. I also understand that however difficult things may be for me, these innocent little children have been through enough hardship in their short lives and it is partly up to me to ensure their lives improve not deteriorate! I adore my partners children partly because I love him and they are his, but also because they are innocent CHILDREN who have done nothing wrong and deserve to be well looked after.
It seems like boop81 needs to grow up and remind herself who is supposed to be the adult in the relationship!

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

I said it was OK, sometimes I used to feel like I hated DSD, we gat along well now.

Sometimes, my own kids do my head in, thats parenting for you, step parenting or any other variety, poor OP, she did get a slating, sometimes I wish people would bugger off and leave us step parents to it, a place where we can express ourselves without being pilloried.

Unless you have experienced it, you cannot imagine how hard it is compared to parenting your own childre.

There is the odd poster, Talie for example, who expresses her self well, and provides a hugely positive input into the view of a mother, rather than step mother, but all too often, those with no experience of what we go through are quick to judge and criticise.

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

I said it was OK, sometimes I used to feel like I hated DSD, we gat along well now.

Sometimes, my own kids do my head in, thats parenting for you, step parenting or any other variety, poor OP, she did get a slating, sometimes I wish people would bugger off and leave us step parents to it, a place where we can express ourselves without being pilloried.

Unless you have experienced it, you cannot imagine how hard it is compared to parenting your own childre.

There is the odd poster, Talie for example, who expresses her self well, and provides a hugely positive input into the view of a mother, rather than step mother, but all too often, those with no experience of what we go through are quick to judge and criticise.

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