Help - hate my step son

(109 Posts)
Boop81 Sun 18-Oct-09 16:24:42

I've been looking at some of the posts on here and was inspired to ask you for some advice. I'm having real problems coping with my feelings towards my step son. I've been with my partner for about 18 months. We married quickly - 10 months into the relationship. Quick I know, but I've known this man and his son for years. I'm really close with his family, having been on holiday with them etc for many years. I got on fine with my step son before we were together, and even when we first got married, but now I'm having real problems. I hate weekends, I hate him coming here to stay. He's always questioning everything, butting into conversations and generaly being annoying. I've spoken to my other half about this and he just says to tell him off, but I really want to smack him, which I would never do, but it bothers me that the urge is there. He's not particulary untidy, he can be disrepectful at times, but I suppose that's normal for any 11 year old. I've tried everything to bond with him, taking him out for the day, playing games with him, but I just don't want to be around him any more. My husband works nights, so sleeps on a Sunday afternoon, which leaves me with him. I find anything and everything to distance myself from him. I know that he's not stupid and has probably picked up on the fact that I don't like him, which leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. I just don't know where to go next. I can't stand him hugging me or trying to sit next to me. He makes my flesh crawl. This is really hard to admit, but I hate him. I even took a job at weekends so I wouldn't have to be at home. That jobs finished now, so I'm back at home at weekends, and I dread them. Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can change my thinking about this? I've tried talking to my other half, but he just doesn't get it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!!

SoupDragon Sun 06-Nov-16 10:04:36


Molly333 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:46:44

Well done you for hving the courage to say how you feel , I commend you wholeheartedly ! Surely we are supposed to be honest with how we feel on here to get help/ support not attacked . After all you are a person in your own right it's not all about the kids x

Wdigin2this Tue 29-Dec-15 00:44:27

No not all kids are angels far from it, and naturally you will hold hard feelings against the 4 year old who hurt your child....I would too!
But, it's the bad parenting, and OMG, there are some stupid, careless, useless and clueless parenting practices out there, which causes the resentment, jealousy and bad feeling which end in situations such as described here!
Parents, especially NR, need to grow up and accept that parenting your child is not about being top in the best Dad/Mum competition, it's doing the right thing for the child and the rest of the family....and bloody YES, you do sometimes have to be the bad guy!

sparkycus Sun 27-Dec-15 17:11:30

Zombie thread ..

But something I've got to say ..
Not all children are innocent poor souls who want only to be loved .

Some are evil little shits .

My daughter has brain damage . Caused by a child punching her in the head when she was a baby .

He was 4 .
She was newborn and I had left the room for 5 minutes and found him punching her .

So if you've a gut feeling about a kid listen to it . If it's a step kid leave the relationship .

Wdigin2this Tue 13-Oct-15 09:54:55

At the risk of looking like a Zombie Reserecter, I'd like to address Choccie's point. You're right, just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't necessarily mean you fall in love with ANY of his family. I've tried hard over the years to distance myself from DH's grown DC, because I just don't like or agree with the way he parents them, consequently, I don't particularly like the people they've become! That is not to say I dislike them as such, but they're attitude to DH I find difficult to tolerate, and so I have drifted as much out of their lives as possible! I appreciate that's not so easy when DSC are young, but you can choose how much time you actually spend in their company, plan other things etc....hard maybe, but doable!

MascaraAndConverse Tue 13-Oct-15 09:31:54

Choccie It is very difficult. Much better to get your feelings off your chest though than let them consume you though.

Choccie1234 Tue 13-Oct-15 08:59:04

I know this is an old post but I was so relieved to read it as I have a 10 year old stepson and feel exactly the same way about him. I think people expect you to accept someone else's child and for some it isn't possible. You can't help who you fall in love with but sometimes the associated baggage of kids and exes just make it impossible to go forward. I admire the person who admits their feelings instead of bottling them up. My partner knows how I feel and loves me anyway as we consider the relationship between us to be us, and him and his son are something different. I'd never interfere in that but it doesn't need to involve me.

WakeyCakey45 Mon 06-Oct-14 17:22:26

If I ever doubted the fact that there are some posters on MN who trawl the stepparenting board looking for posts that vindicate their own negative view of stepparents, this thread is it.

It's been resurrected several times as a zombie thread over the last 5 years.

Haven't people got better things to do that wade back through pages of posts (or search for the term "hate my step son")? Does it make people feel better when they find a post that vindicates their firm belief that stepparents hate their stepchildren?

There is no possible, justifiable "reason" for resurrecting a zombie thread just to say how shocked and appalled you are by the contents, is there?

purpleroses Mon 06-Oct-14 17:19:48

Why does this Zombie of a thread keep getting re-activated? The OP's son will be 16 by now! It's very odd the way this one keeps getting posted on again and again months after it's dropped off the step parenting board confused hmm The OP hasn't been on it for years.

Petal02 Mon 06-Oct-14 17:06:07

I'd guess that the OP hates the situation she's in, rather than hating the child.

Bigoleheffer Mon 06-Oct-14 16:40:58

some of these responses are heart breaking. I can't imagine any good person hating a child and wishing them to disappear. It never fails to shock me the level of hate and bitterness spoken on this board.

turbogirl Sun 28-Sep-14 03:09:49

I think you all are harsh and judgmental. Kids can be brats and an 11 year old is smarter than we give them credit for. I can't stand my step son if he disappeared I wouldn't give a damn and I'm a good loving person but I have a daughter on the way to protect. I'm not about to let a step son of all people hurt her or act out just because he can. Who ever started this post I'm so sorry you feel this way I commend you for being nice as I also have to pretend but definitely search out your heart and know you're not alone you're not a terrible person and it will work out.

Arielwasamermaid Sun 10-Aug-14 17:38:30

Thanks Dozie! I have a long time to wait! ;) I have always got on very well with young kids, I think the trouble is I have to keep quiet about a lot of things because it's his Dad's job to tell him...Dad is not at all strict about anything...a gentle man, one of the things I love about him...but he never gets cross with his son. I really don't want to be the one that checks his son...I refuse that role...I'm not responsible for parenting him. But I think I just don't like the way he speaks to me...can't quite put my finger on it...guess we aren't going to like everyone we meet are we and we didn't choose each other! It's very hard! I can't help it, much as I try!

doziedoozie Sun 10-Aug-14 10:02:39

I would imagine that as your DSS grows into a teenager, and someone you can actually discuss shared interests with or things you can remember yourself such as secondary school, your relationship will improve.

If you don't have familial ties it is hard imo to get on with small children.
My DSIL was a teaching assistant and is much more able to make friends with our shared younger relatives than I am.

Arielwasamermaid Sat 09-Aug-14 15:48:55

It's been very interesting reading this! I feel something very similar. My partner's 9 year old son is an only child and not used to sharing, his parents have a much more laid back approach to table manners than I do and as an only child he is very used to getting what he wants, coming first, indulged in lots of ways really. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not as 'nice' as person as I thought I was...I can't seem to stop finding him extremely irritating and wanting to avoid him! I am the mother of boys, now teenagers, have fostered children and worked in primary school for years...I thought I'd be good at this and am so disappointed to be feeling like the evil stepmother! I seem to get on very well with him, and he likes me I think...I can be fun and I think I'm kind and fair, but I get so irritated! His Dad seems to me to treat him as though he were 4 years old and cute...this adds to my irritation! Finding that I am keeping out of their way a lot. My partner is hurt that I don't think little Johnnie is funny and endearing! I need a special pill to make me think sweet thoughts! Help!

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

Eliza22 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:58:09

He's 15 now!!!

I wonder how this panned out for Boop..... And the boy?


Fairystepsthought Mon 24-Jun-13 20:24:18

Totally agree with Maitri - people think that because you love your dh or do that you should love their dscs too and i think that sometimes it feels like you should too but it doesnt quite happen like that does it? sounds like you're doing a great job to me. Stick at it - he does sound like a normal 11 yr old - perhaps he's just testing the boundaries?

PrettyPaperweight Mon 24-Jun-13 07:41:00

daisy The DSS is not 11, he's 15. This thread is 4 years old.

daisychain01 Mon 24-Jun-13 02:25:00

Petal02, at the age of 11 DSS is developing and changing. Why isnt it reasonable to give things a chance to build trust and enjoy a positive relationship? It is realistic and I am speaking from personal experience as a DSD who now loves my DSM as if she were my own despite having terribly conflicting feelings. It took time and patience, and my DSM has been patient beyond words with me for however long it took!

PrettyPaperweight Sun 23-Jun-13 20:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:35:25

I think building a bond can sometimes be unrealistic - you can't force feelings that don't exist. Sometimes being kind, polite and respectful is sufficient?

daisychain01 Sun 23-Jun-13 17:37:09

OP perhaps it was the language and words you used that could have been chosen with a little more circumspection. Hatred, making your skin crawl, may I suggest such words are not appropriate when referring to a young lad, who may well be crying out for attention, hence the butting in and not behaving as you would wish, All that said, we are ALL human and your frustration, bewilderment at your negative emotions come through very strongly. Would some family counselling help to put things into perspective and heal this sad sitaution and maybe build a bond with your DSS?

MiriamWhite86 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:45

Boop I can completely relate to how your feeling, and appreciate all the other positive feedback people have given here.
I love kids and am very close to my young nephews and thought as a step parent I would feel that same way towards my partners son. We have busy lives and sometimes I find it near impossible to be trying to organise out lives around his son.
He is a great kid, and I know he adores me and couldn't ask for better really. I know this, yet still I dread the weekends we have him and feel like us rather be somewhere else, or spending time doing things I would rather be doing.
I do my best to try and organise things with other kids and families the weekends we have him, and initially I didn't find it hard, but a year in I just don't enjoy his company and find the whole situation inconvenient and annoying, and I feel guilty for this as I know he is a great kid!
I don't have kids of my own so part of me feels like I am sacrificing half of my life for the sake of my partners choice to have a child.
I suffer massively, alot of it being guilt, as I want to be a good parent and role model but just feel myself despising my partners son for so many of the reasons others gave above. I don't look at him and feel love, I don't look at him and think he's cute. All I see is someone else's child.
Clearly it's a massive lifestyle change and reading all the comments above are a huge sanity! And it is also good to hear from a step child's perspective.

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