Help - hate my step son

(94 Posts)
Boop81 Sun 18-Oct-09 16:24:42

Hi,
I've been looking at some of the posts on here and was inspired to ask you for some advice. I'm having real problems coping with my feelings towards my step son. I've been with my partner for about 18 months. We married quickly - 10 months into the relationship. Quick I know, but I've known this man and his son for years. I'm really close with his family, having been on holiday with them etc for many years. I got on fine with my step son before we were together, and even when we first got married, but now I'm having real problems. I hate weekends, I hate him coming here to stay. He's always questioning everything, butting into conversations and generaly being annoying. I've spoken to my other half about this and he just says to tell him off, but I really want to smack him, which I would never do, but it bothers me that the urge is there. He's not particulary untidy, he can be disrepectful at times, but I suppose that's normal for any 11 year old. I've tried everything to bond with him, taking him out for the day, playing games with him, but I just don't want to be around him any more. My husband works nights, so sleeps on a Sunday afternoon, which leaves me with him. I find anything and everything to distance myself from him. I know that he's not stupid and has probably picked up on the fact that I don't like him, which leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. I just don't know where to go next. I can't stand him hugging me or trying to sit next to me. He makes my flesh crawl. This is really hard to admit, but I hate him. I even took a job at weekends so I wouldn't have to be at home. That jobs finished now, so I'm back at home at weekends, and I dread them. Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can change my thinking about this? I've tried talking to my other half, but he just doesn't get it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!!

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

Eliza22 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:58:09

He's 15 now!!!

I wonder how this panned out for Boop..... And the boy?

Boop?

Fairystepsthought Mon 24-Jun-13 20:24:18

Totally agree with Maitri - people think that because you love your dh or do that you should love their dscs too and i think that sometimes it feels like you should too but it doesnt quite happen like that does it? sounds like you're doing a great job to me. Stick at it - he does sound like a normal 11 yr old - perhaps he's just testing the boundaries?

PrettyPaperweight Mon 24-Jun-13 07:41:00

daisy The DSS is not 11, he's 15. This thread is 4 years old.

daisychain01 Italy Mon 24-Jun-13 02:25:00

Petal02, at the age of 11 DSS is developing and changing. Why isnt it reasonable to give things a chance to build trust and enjoy a positive relationship? It is realistic and I am speaking from personal experience as a DSD who now loves my DSM as if she were my own despite having terribly conflicting feelings. It took time and patience, and my DSM has been patient beyond words with me for however long it took!

PrettyPaperweight Sun 23-Jun-13 20:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:35:25

I think building a bond can sometimes be unrealistic - you can't force feelings that don't exist. Sometimes being kind, polite and respectful is sufficient?

daisychain01 Italy Sun 23-Jun-13 17:37:09

OP perhaps it was the language and words you used that could have been chosen with a little more circumspection. Hatred, making your skin crawl, may I suggest such words are not appropriate when referring to a young lad, who may well be crying out for attention, hence the butting in and not behaving as you would wish, All that said, we are ALL human and your frustration, bewilderment at your negative emotions come through very strongly. Would some family counselling help to put things into perspective and heal this sad sitaution and maybe build a bond with your DSS?

MiriamWhite86 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:45

Boop I can completely relate to how your feeling, and appreciate all the other positive feedback people have given here.
I love kids and am very close to my young nephews and thought as a step parent I would feel that same way towards my partners son. We have busy lives and sometimes I find it near impossible to be trying to organise out lives around his son.
He is a great kid, and I know he adores me and couldn't ask for better really. I know this, yet still I dread the weekends we have him and feel like us rather be somewhere else, or spending time doing things I would rather be doing.
I do my best to try and organise things with other kids and families the weekends we have him, and initially I didn't find it hard, but a year in I just don't enjoy his company and find the whole situation inconvenient and annoying, and I feel guilty for this as I know he is a great kid!
I don't have kids of my own so part of me feels like I am sacrificing half of my life for the sake of my partners choice to have a child.
I suffer massively, alot of it being guilt, as I want to be a good parent and role model but just feel myself despising my partners son for so many of the reasons others gave above. I don't look at him and feel love, I don't look at him and think he's cute. All I see is someone else's child.
Clearly it's a massive lifestyle change and reading all the comments above are a huge sanity! And it is also good to hear from a step child's perspective.

NameInChalk Fri 23-Mar-12 11:32:45

*ZOMBIE THREAD*

This is a particularly sinister one as well. <shudders>

Martina27 Fri 23-Mar-12 11:31:06

Good on you Boop81 for being so honest about your dark thoughts about your step son. Having dark thoughts doesn't make you a bad person.
It sounds to me that there is possibly quite a lot more to this story than you have had the time to tell us?

Autumnsun Thu 01-Jul-10 19:57:41

Well said buttons - I began step parenting a 5 and 8 year old. Now they are 11 and 14 and boy is it a different story!!

buttons99 Mon 21-Jun-10 09:22:54

Wow shoedal1 - hope your halo never has a reason to drop off your head. i would imagine every stepparent would wish to have the idealic step family set up and adore their stepchildren, but in the real world we are not all that lucky...maybe you are. Your post is incredibly cruel to a stepmother who is clearly struggling and came on here for support..if you cant be honest here where can you. Lets hope the day never arrives when your stepchildren become a problem (older then now is a highly likely time!!!) and you need support...and for what its worth I cant imagine any parent hasnt had days where they don't dislike their own children so why should stepchildren be any different...unless of course you are the mother of a child who never puts a step out of place!!!! Maybe its you who needs to grow up and think of another adults feelings rather than purely harping on about the innocence of childhood.

shoegal1 Sun 20-Jun-10 23:08:19

This thread is atrocious! How on earth can anyone say that an 11year old makes their skin crawl? My partner has a 5 year old girl and a six year old boy, they have their moments (as all children do) but as a mother to my own 5year old I recognise that they are children who most of all need love, care and security in their lives. I also understand that however difficult things may be for me, these innocent little children have been through enough hardship in their short lives and it is partly up to me to ensure their lives improve not deteriorate! I adore my partners children partly because I love him and they are his, but also because they are innocent CHILDREN who have done nothing wrong and deserve to be well looked after.
It seems like boop81 needs to grow up and remind herself who is supposed to be the adult in the relationship!

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

Message withdrawn

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

Message withdrawn

Oblomov Tue 15-Jun-10 14:15:58

I think we all agree that its unlikely that Op will come back. Mn at its worst. Nice one ladies.

Oblomov Tue 15-Jun-10 14:08:37

I feel really sorry for the Op. She came her for advice. I feel similar to how she feels about my son ds1(6). his answering back and stroppy behaviour hasn't got any better even though i have been trying and trying. I had to admit recently that he has just worn me down and thta i don't love him anymore. infact i hate both him and his behaviour and the affect he has had on our lives. but i will endeavour to hide this and adjst my parenting to try and cope with this.
so this has nothing to do with step parenting. i am sure Op is not the only step mum or mum to have EVER felt these things.
Give her a break. And lets try and help her with some constructive advice.

Newstepmum23 Tue 15-Jun-10 13:46:12

I'm really pleased that I found this thread, because I empathise with Boop and the other posters who relate to her.

I'm a new member and posted on "parenting" (by mistake) today about being irritated by my teenage stepchildren. The reaction was "grow up", "if the pointy hat fits", "get used to it" etc etc.

Who says that you have to love your stepchildren unconditionally? Boop is trying to love her stepson and she's looking for help. I expect she has been scared off by the horrible replies. I was almost not coming back after this morning!

If you've never had children of your own, is is so inconceivable that you would sometimes resent having to give up half of your leisure time to accommodate somebody else's kids, even if they are your husband's?

Boop, I'd say that your feelings are more common than people admit to. I don't have the solution but you shouldn't feel alone. And well done for being brave enough to talk about them on this forum.

Spilani Wed 09-Jun-10 11:00:56

I think it's really interesting that no one here has said look, its ok to have those feelings. Sometimes we feel hate and hated. Hate is a human reaction, and we have all felt it at one time or another. I understand that you feel this, but I also see that you are not acting your hate out.

I think you might want to make some meaning of why you feel so much hate. Have you thought of seeing a therapist to work these feelings out? I think it may be wise to try and understand things before you fix them. You are already seeking advice, maybe it's time to seek some more professional help.

Apsie006 Sun 23-May-10 20:04:26

Hi, I'm new to this site, and don't want to seem rude- but I find this pretty shocking. shock
As a step child, I'm amazed at what Boop81 said- could this be what my stepmother thought about me?
When I was a child, I found it hard to be around my stepmother. She seemed to be very uncomfortable around me- and had no idea what to do around children- and I felt the same way about her. I ended up spending all my time hanging around my father, and never got to know my stepmother as a person.
I really regret that, but now have a strong relationship with her.

Please don't let this ruin your relationship with your stepson.
If I were you, I would try anything I could to try and build up a relationship with him.
And try to think about his feelings, please.

Latootle Sun 16-May-10 15:57:47

i once worked with someone who I ""hated"" but I knew I couldn't go on like that so I truly took a weekend (weekdays in your case) to absolutely tell myself that my attitude had to change and the ways I would do it. yes what has changed??? try to accept his kindnesses and cuddles etc and you will find that he becomes more secure and eventually will not be so demanding of affection and acceptance. remember he didn't ask to be a step child and it is hard for them and eventually it will cause problems between your husband and you. Yes he can feel your ""hate"" of him and that must be horrible for him. good luck

buttons99 Mon 10-May-10 09:29:48

Thankyou Autumsun!!

For me it was rose tinted spectacles though!!! I def lost them about 6 months in!! You def do learn on the job, no-one can tell you what it will be like, some people love being a step parent, I know my DH finds it 1000 times easier than I do. I wouldn't choose to do it again (well I say that but I bet I would if I was single and found my DH again) but its been alot harder than I thought. We are 6 years down the line, it has got easier as I have learnt coping tactics but I still wouldn't say we are one big happy "blended" family..more a family who mostly do ok but sometimes feels more like I am sitting in a blender (than we are blended) being spun round with no idea what to do...with that thought of spinning it reminds me I need to be off to do MORE washing!! the fun of a big family wink

Autumnsun Thu 06-May-10 20:08:59

Here here Buttons99 - I completely agree, a marriage is the two of you and the children make up the family unit.

Petal02 - so many of your words rang true for me.

There is no way you can know what you're taking on when you become a stepmother. It's a case of 'learning on the job'. You THINK you know what it will entail, and I don't mean its all rose tinted spectacles - you even think you can anticipate the problems but you can't.

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