argghh sorry need to vent!

[onadietcokebreak]

My DP and I recently got together after knowing each other for a long time. He has been seperated for a year and has two children.

He is very much still controlled by his wife and is waiting for her to start divorce proceeding as he hasnt got the money.

She has the final say in everything and is constantly changing when he can have the children to suit her. The latest thing to kick off is the dreaded Christmas arrangements. So far she isnt budging on any access over christmas day and boxing day.

I am sick to the back teeth of her controlling him and ultimely my life and that of my DS. We can not plan anything to do together until we literally have his children as she scuppers any plans. BTW I dont see them loads as we are still working on what is a relatively new relationship for all of us.

My DP is taking a far to passive stance towards this and little has changes since they split up. He winges and sulks about what happens and put me in a black mood yet does nothing about it. I hate this "bury my head in the sand" mentality he has.

I have tonight told him that until he has consulted a solictor to find out exactly what his rights are and how he can sort out access then our relationship can have no future. I am not prepared to be in the same situation amongst the rows in another years time. I did not have a amiciable breakup (at great personal cost) with my DS father to go through this when he will do nothing to sort it.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

[onadietcokebreak]

Maybe I should have posted this in relationships?

[Doodlez]

Erm.....to be brutal - you don't sound very in love with each other!

I would not let my life be affected by another person in this way either - EVER.

From my point of view - I'd bail out.

As you've said, you've been through enough crap of your own without taking this on as well. Your life and that of your son's take priority now.

IMO!

[onadietcokebreak]

Thanks Doodlez I do love him just not certain qualities in him.

I cant understand the lack of impetus to do anything except sulk and wait for the next installment from her!

I really am thinking of bailing out just to give myself some space. Being a lone parent is hard enough without taking all this on as well. Especially when only one is willing to work hard at it.

[Doodlez]

Well I don't have first hand experience but I watched my brother go through this a few years ago. Basically, his ex-Mrs called ALL the shots and he went along with it - very unlike him to be honest, I was quite suprised. Also, his ex-mrs is quite a nice woman, so her behaviour was a bit odd too. I guess everyone goes a bit loony with a split.

Annnnnnyhooooooow....brother put his foot down IN THE END because his whole life was being trashed. He couldn't plan/do anything and the children were the ones who missed out - hence, brother lost it and got his act together. Phoned solicitor and made things happen.

Now, several years down the line, a very rigid but never-the-less, working solution with the children at the very heart of it.

My other point - not letting someone have this much affect/effect on YOUR life. That's a kind of deal-breaker for me. I just will not and could not be dictated to by someone elses whims. That's the real reason I would bail out and wait for yer man to get his life sorted a bit more first. Then, if it was meant to be, you could get together with clear lines drawn in the sand. It means your DS isn't messed around with it all either.

[Spinningtop]

Talking from 14yrs of experience with this. It will never go away as the situation with children is far from easy and she will always be around his life, if not in it, so to speak until the children are grown up. Where there are children, there is responsibilities, links etc. The whole history thing will never go away and you either learn to live with it, and accept it, or choose a different life. My DH's ex doesn't like the situation anymore than we do, but we have all learnt to manage the process (somedays are better than others).

I find it very tough, frustrating etc etc and have at times wished I'd never met someone who had children from a previous marriage.

However, we have survived some pretty tough times together, but you both need to understand each others side of the coin.

Every birthday or other significant event: Christmas, school plays, sports days and Uni Graduation caused some form of pressure - we have learnt to listen to what the children want and respect the ex wife's feelings on some occaisions as points scoring leaves harsh memories.

As for a divorce in process - tough time for all concerned. Not easy and your partner may be already feeling raw without further ultimatum. I agree with Doodlez - you may want some space until all is sorted??

[onadietcokebreak]

The problem is a divorce is not in process at the moment and neither of them communicate with each other other then via text. She was sorting the divorce as was getting legal aid but then the father of her new baby moved in and it all stopped. (and restarted when she throw him out then stopped when she took him back.....)

She absolutley hates me cos in her eyes (and what she tells the children) I broke her marriage up. Which couldnt be further from the truth, although it cant have helped that 9 months after they seperated we have eventually got together.

It just feels like nothing has changed since they have seperated and there is only so much support you can give before it gets you down.

I need to have a serious think about what I want and whether this man can make me happy long term. In the meanwhile Im going to distance myself and see if he actually has any backbone in sorting this out.

[JeMeSouviens]

I think you are being very sensible and courageous to take a close look at this situation. Too many, myself included, just go along with things, then find out too late it's not what we want.

All the best.

[onadietcokebreak]

Thank you. As hard as its going to be to step away from the relationship cos he has some lovely qualities and I do love him maybe it would be for the best.

He says he wont tell me about what is happening and keep me out of it but as a partner I should be supportive not kept out of the it. Its not really the problems that upset me just his reaction to it.

[onadietcokebreak]

Well fair play to him because today he went to see a solicitor so my wobbling must have had some impact for a change. He may even qualify for some legal aid looking at the calculator on line.

Im still going to be very careful though and look after myself and son. I have so many wonderful opportunities ahead of me and for once my future career is coming together. Need to focus on all the postives in my life.

[Spinningtop]

Opportunities?!!! Go for it girl!!! Good luck and do it for you and your DS.

[victorioriah]

OMG it's like reading my own story!
I totally understand what you are talking about. My DP is wonderful but he really struggles with the fact that his relationship with his DDs is in such a mess. The ex stops him from seeing DDs for the most ridiculous reasons and is so inconsistent it drives me crazy to hear about it but, despite the fact that it totally ruins his mood and he'll be down for days on end because of it, he just takes it.
He has sought legal advice and things started looking up so his solicitor suggested that he closed the case as things seemed amicable but gradually over the next two months she has returned to her original petty, bitchy, unreasonable self cumulating in her not allowing him access on his youngest's birthday even though it had been arranged several months in advance via solicitors at her instigation!

[onadietcokebreak]

Thanks guys. Just want him to get the legal process explained to him thats all. A lot of what he has heard is all hearsay and a lot as turned out to be wrong. At least he will have some focus by getting advice

victorioriah you understand the sulks and bad moods then with lack of action

Mrsjammi yes have suggested fathers need families before. Hopefully he will look.

The opportunities I am talking about is a placement I have just secured which will give me the experience I need to go onto a competitive university course.....all exciting stuff, just hope we can go through this journey together and that this situation with ex doesnt break us.

[AboardtheAxiom]

Oh god I have put up with this for 8 years, it does not get better my partner is exactly the same in that he will be in a black sulky mood, has contacted solicitors but never followed it up, every special occasion looming on the horizon is accompanied by a feeling of dread, plans are changed at the last minute.

OP I think you are doing the right thing TBH and wish I hadn't been as naiive and optimistic 8 yrs ago. Put yourself and your DS first.

[Jux]

From what I've read on here, things are going to get a lot worse. If you're not in it for the long haul then get out now before children get hurt even more. Seriously.

[onadietcokebreak]

Thanks guys will be careful. I have started reading a book a friend recommended about stepmothers that may help.

Its this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Im-Stepmother-Sonja-Ridden/dp/1843580551?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[victorioriah]

Yeah, I totally do understand. At the moment we (DS and myself) are keeping away from the whole thing. We haven?t seen the girls for nearly two months and the ex has even slagged us off for this (although she was never happy for us to be around) but I decided that it is for the good of all the children to keep our distance so that they are protected from the chaos that is surrounding the adults. Damage limitation if you like. It is also giving the DSS an opportunity to build a really strong relationship with their dad that, up until recently, has been very fractured and inconsistent, without the complication of creating new relationships with us. My view is that we are definitely in it for the long haul and there will be plenty of time in the future for us to grow as a family even if progress is slow.
The best advice I can give is the same I gave to my DP which is to be rigid and consistant with arrangements for as long as it takes. No changing times on either side no matter how inconvenient it may be. However peculiar it may sound, there is a need to gain the trust of the ex that the DCs dad is serious and he does need to prove himself worthy in a way to be allowed to be part of their lives. As contradictory as the ex?s behavior seems to be at times, we must assume that she wants the best for her DCs and she is only trying to protect them from the hurt she has felt from the breakdown of the relationship. I have been in that position myself and I know as hard as you try to be rational (some harder than others it seems), our feelings still get in the way.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope things work out for all involved.