DSS's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we have had a massive bust up - pls help me do the right thing

[kissmummy]

i posted earlier this week about a terrible argument with my DSS, 17. He will be 18 tomorrow. I last saw him on Monday when we had a huge row over him secretly bringing a girl back into his bedroom and then swearing at me for questioning his behaviour. The whole thing has escalated massively, with DSS making it clear to his father he bitterly resents me. i don't know the details of their conversation but no doubt he had lots of other unpleasant things to say about me, which upsets me greatly as i really have done my best with him. over the years we have had many laughs, as well as rows; I have helped with his school work, taken an interest in his education, put meals on his table, helped pay for the very nice lifestyle he enjoys, baked him cookies, given him hand made cards, come to watch him play football, etc etc etc. of course i haven't been perfect but i've really, really tried. He's not a bad lad but he's very lazy round the house, takes everything for granted, and was incredibly rude to me on Monday. Now, it is his birthday tomorrow and he is coming home in the afternoon.
I have two choices - carry on this argument (which is what i feel like doing) or lay a really nice present outside his bedroom door for him to find, and perhaps a note, and try to move on from this. I know the second thing is the right thing to do but i am still sooooo seething angry and don't want him to think he can get away with his dreadful behaviour. because of him i have had two days of hell, a tension migraine, and had to leave work early this afternoon as i could not concentrate. he also knows that i am currently going through my third miscarriage in 8 months. though i don't expect him to understand how fragile this makes me feel, i would hope he would realise it's not a good time for me.
on the other hand he might be scarred for life if he has a shit 18th birthday because of arguing with me. What would you do? should i just Get Over It??

[LooptheLoop]

You have a lot on your plate. So sorry to hear about the miscarriage.

But IMHO I'd let the argument rest for tomorrow. Let him have his 18th birthday in peace and pick another day to deal with all the outstanding issues. They need dealing with but you'll never win the argument tomorrow anyway so why put yourself through the stress?

My eldest SS has been a royal pita to everyone for the last 12 months - must admit I really had to bite my lip come his 18th but with hindsight I do think it was the right thing to do.

There is quite a lot written on stepparenting about disengaging. Might be worth trying that for a while. As a stepparent you can be a really easy target at times . Does your DH understand how you are feeling?

[kissmummy]

i think my poor DH does understand but is very torn. he is evidently terrified of "losing" his son. (he keeps saying we have to 'tread carefully' ). DSS's mother lives overseas and only sees him once, or twice a year, max. DH brought DSS up pretty much on his own, so the bond is very, very, strong.
I believe that DH puts up with poor behaviour from his son because of this constant fear of alienating him.
personally i don't see how demanding good, decent behaviour could or would drive his son away, and this is why the whole thing has escalated into a three way argument. it is an absolutely horrible situation.

[2rebecca]

Surely if it's his 18th birthday tomorrow you've both already bought his present? I don't think birthday presents should be dependant on good behaviour, and generally my husband buys presents for his kids and me for mine. I generally try not to take over the role of chief card and present buyer and keep bloke involved in getting stuff for his half of the family so this sort of stuff is shared. I would normally see an 18th birthday as a big thing though and expect the day to have been planned.
I'd be pleasant and positive for his birthday. In the long term you and his dad do need to agree house rules for the 3 of you, which should include things like no being nasty to each other, sharing housework and meal preparation, who comes and goes from the house etc but I'd leave this until another time and ask your husband and stepson to write down their ideas for rules and how they want the house to run then make an evening when you all sit down and sort it out.

[2pt4kids]

Sounds like a very stressful time.
Could you have a chat to DH today and agree on a plan of action, such as arrange a family meeting for Friday or Saturday to discuss all issues calmly and to agree on rotas/rules. You can then can say to DSS tonight that you're sorry things have reached an unpleasant level between you and lets have a truce for now so that tomorrow is a good day, on the condition that he sits down for a chat with you and his Dad later in the week to sort things out properly.
Would your DH support you in something like that?

[LooptheLoop]

Hope it's gone OK and you're alright.