I don't know how to deal with his past...long one sry

[Notsoangelface]

I got married in 2007 and I now have a step-daughter. We get along alright but we?re not best of mates, she looks so much like her mum and I hate her mum. A bit about how my husband became dad: he was in a relationship with a girl but had a one weekend affair and the person who he had an affair with fell pregnant and decided to have a baby (she knew my husband for 2 weeks when she found out that she was pregnant). My hubby broke up with then-girlfriend, really regretted having affair and trying to make her do an abortion but she still kept the baby. They never lived together. Baby was born, they tried to live together, but it really didn?t work out ? he hates her, she was taking hard drugs and partying all the time, sometimes breastfeeding while high on drugs. Anyway, the child was living mainly with my hubby from when she was a baby. When daughter was 4 yrs old my hubby met me and couple years later we got married. I really didn?t realise how big and thankless job being a step-mum is. She is actually a good girl but as I?ve never been very maternal and I?m not that into kids (I?m sure it will change once I?ll have my own) I just find it hard. I?m not very warm towards her and I realise that it?s not her fault that she was born to this world form one-night stand but I just can?t get my head around that because her mum is such a f-up I have to pick up all the pieces. And I?m jealous, I?m jealous that she comes first to my hubby. My SD spends most of the weekend with her mum, so that?s a touch but still every Sunday she comes back my mood changes massively. I hate being a step-mum and if I?m honest to myself I wish she wouldn?t exist. Anyway, that is not it. About a year ago my hubby got a letter from CSA because one of his exes (after my SD was born) claiming that her child is my hubby?s. He didn?t want to hear anything about it as that woman was a mentally ill (what goes through my mind is that why he was with him in the first place, but men are so damn weak that I better not go into this) and now we have a court case because he hasn?t taken any action. I want him to take DNA test, but he?s not too sure thinking if that proves positive that he?ll lose me. It is such a big head f. I don?t know what to do anymore. I?m/we?re raising his child form a one night stand and there might be another child from his past. I just feel I am going totally mad. He doesn?t understand my anger saying it was all before he met me but the way I see it is that it?s never been just US, there?s always been 3rd person involved in our relationship (my SD) and I just feel that there?s nothing new I can offer him ? he had a baby with a stranger and I understand that he loves her (of course he does ?it?s his daughter) but don?t expect me to love her same way as he does. I really hate his past and I?m not sure if I can go on much longer like this. I think I need counselling, but thought I start from here.

[SpringBlossom]

Hello Notsoangelface, I don't know what to say except I think counselling might really help. You've got a lot on your plate and it's doubly difficult when you feel angry and frustrated. I've had counselling to help come to terms with being a step mum and it I found it really helpful. For one thing it gives you a separate space to say how you feel without guilt or judgement. And to hear that your feelings are NOT unreasonable. I found just those two things helped me cope a bit better. It also helped me to see the good things I was doing and accept the things I would never be able to feel (e.g unconditional maternal love. It also made me feel less guilty about teh fact that sometimes I actively dislike my SD. I have to try and deal with that in a way that doesn't hurt her but I felt that the counsellor could understand that sometimes I did feel like that). I just felt more relaxed and able to cope afterwards.

I don't mean to say all is marvellous now - it's not and I still loath some aspects of being a stepmum. But I do accept that I'm not making too bad a job of it and that helps.

One questions: why do you feel your SS daughter comes first with your hubby? Is that because he tells you so or is that because you imagine that must be the case? I try to think of my partner's love as endless - there doesn't have to be a hierarchy because it's just a big all enveloping blanket for all of us. My SD is a bit older than yours (she's nearly twelve now, but nine when I met her) but she thought that when I came along that meant Dad would love her less and I would steal her portion of love away. He was very good at reassuring her love was infinite. I don't feel he chooses one or other of us; sometimes I get frustrated cos I'm having a moan about her and he doesn't participate but I do understand he's her Dad and he must be loyal to her. I think it's amazing he lets me moan, get it out of my system and then carry on. I do keep the worst bits to myself...

[Haribosmummy]

Sorry, I'm going to be really blunt here.

You knew he had a child when you got together with him. That's what kids are: another person in your relationship.
If you don't want step kids, don't go out with a bloke who has kids...

I'm afraid I don't think your husband sounds like a very nice person - he wanted his first child aborted, hasn't so much as tried to sort out the (possible) second child. And I don't really like the way it sounds like he expects you to behave.

I don't get on with my Dh's ex either, but I adore his kids (my DSDs). Of course they can be PITA - who can't??? But they are part of my DH.. Part of his life and therefore part of mine. I have a choice and I choose to be part of their lives.

I'd think carefully before you have children with him.

I don't think you need counselling, I think you need a break.

Sorry, I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh - I really think you need a break to concentrate on YOU for a while.

[Surfermum]

The thing is though, Nosoangelface is in the relationship now and finding it hard. Saying you shouldn't have got together with someone with a child isn't really that supportive or sympathetic. She's said herself she didn't realise what a big and thankless task being a step-mum is. Maybe if she had she wouldn't have gone ahead with the relationship. I had NO idea what being a step-mum would be like, just like I had NO idea what sort of mum I'd be and how I would adjust to the change in lifestyle.

And there are women on here posting threads wondering whether to have a termination or not. Do they get told they don't sound very nice - I doubt it. He had a brief fling and there was a pregnancy from it - hardly an ideal situation to bring a child into, so I'm not going to judge him for thinking that termination might be best.

How old is your dsd? Have you tried doing lots of girly things with her? Do you spend time one to one with her?

In what way do you feel she comes first? It is inevitable when you have children, either your own or step-children that they come first most of the time. When she's at her mum's do you and dh make the most of some one to one time?

I do think counselling would help you Notsoangelface, it sounds like your self-esteem could do with a boost - remember you are the one he chose to marry and if you do have children it will be something he's chosen to have with you. There's not anything you can do about his past - but if you're feeling better about yourself it might help.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

Definitely go to counselling. I'm sorry but your dh sounds like an arse.

He made a child with someone and then tried to force them into having an abortion? Not nice behaviour and she had every right to keep the baby.

I have to say I would be highly sceptical about anything he has told you about his ex. He sounds like he has no respect for women at all, and everything is someone else's fault.

You will never be able to compete with his SD, so don't. You both have completely different roles in his life and you need to come to terms with that, if this is the relationship you want to stick with. He will love her as a part of himself, and love you as someone to share his life with - very different things.

It sounds like you need to build a relationship with your SD that is completely separate from him. Are there any activities or things you could do together - not because you have to, but for fun, where dh takes backstage and you take the lead.

You need to either choose to have SD as a part of your life or not. You cannot have your dh without his daughter, so if you can't accept her, then you need to move on from this relationship.

Definitely get some counselling, but try to find something you have in common with her too. Maybe she would like to do something girly with you, that dad isn't so interested in?

I hope it works out for you, no matter what you try. But please be wary of your dh slagging off his exes, it sounds warning bells for me.

[Notsoangelface]

Hi all,

Thanks for your response. I do admit that my hubby wasn't very nice person in the past, he was proper playboy but he has changed now - I can definitely confirm that. For those who say that he should've not say to his ex not to do abortion...I have a question - if you have a one night stand with some random bloke and you fall pregnant - would you really want to have this child??? He really didn't want this child at first - why would you with a stranger? And the mother of the child is absolute arse. She really can't look after my SD. Every weekend when my SD is with her mum she's having loads of fun, but when she comes back she says that she hasn't had proper food, she hasn't had a bath the whole weekend, she hasn't cleaned her teeth. She is 7 and should know better, but with kids you constantly have to remind these things. So when my SD comes back from her mum I feel like a nag all the time - have you done this? have you done that? To Haribosmummy - yes I knew that my hubby had akid when we met, but you really don't realise what you get yourself into.
I don't do much girlie stuff with my SD as I get home at 7ish and by the time she's had a dinner and bath it's bed-time and weekends she is with her mum. I do admit that I am warmer towrds her when his dad is not around - I suppose I feel that I don't have to compete to his attention.
I think that my self-esteem is not on my highest at the moment and i think it's because that possible "other" child. What happenned there basically is that after my hubby had his daughter - he really wasn't happy that he's was pushed in a corner. He went out with few loons and one of them (the person in question) cheated on him and after that they broke up but because she was very clingy she kept going back to him and blokes are so bloody weak. Anyway, he finally managed to get rid of her and now nearly 5 years later she claims that he is the father of her child. Obviously he doesn't want to hear about it, but will do a DNA test as I can't live like this knowing that he might have another child from another sick relationship. He has changed - he really has, but because he's had such a horrible past that is preent again i just feel that I don't know how to deal with it. He says that it all happenned years before we met which is true, but his past is haunting us and I hate it and because of all that I feel resentment towrads his daughter, my SD. Some days I'm fine but some days I just feel that it's not fair that I have to pick up his s*. I am very confused and angry but I do love him massively and he loves me. I think I'm just really jealous of his daughter and that's why I feel that for my hubby she comes first - the child that was born from one night stand.

[Haribosmummy]

Sorry, noangelface, if you don't want to have a baby with a stranger, don't go around having unprotected sex with strangers.

That's not a go at you, and as you say, your partner has changed....

What surfermum says is right... YOu both play such different roles in his life.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

Firstly having an abortion is not something you do simply because you don't get on/are not in a relationship with the dad. It is a personal choice that must be completely respected. I know that I have always felt an instant bond/love for the baby inside me, and if I'm honest ds1 was unplanned and I always assumed that in a situation like that I would abort, but instead I felt an unconditional love for my unborn baby and it was never an option. That's what I mean by it may seem like the most sensible course of action, but this is something based more on emotions than rationale.

I would not necessarily believe your SD when she says all those things. It is very common for a child to play one parent off against the other, and unless she is obviously neglected (filthy to the point of illness and malnourished) I wouldn't interfere with what the ex is doing.

Your dh has made this harder for you by slagging off his ex and therefore building your resentment towards her - which makes it much harder to accept your sd.

You shouldn't be competing for attention with his sd. Have you tried turning it into something positive? Everytime you feel jealous of him paying her attention, rather than compete for it choose to pay SD more attention (not him). That way you'll build a bond with her and can be involved, rather than feeling like you're left out of it. Obviously be careful not to get between them, this is about joining in not excluding him. Do you think that might be something you could try?

Really do get some counselling too - perhaps go to Relate with your dh so you can set out your issues in a neutral environment and come up with answers together.

[Notsoangelface]

He did not force her to have an abortion - it was a suggestion and quite right one as well the way I see it as my SD mum really is NOT capable looking after a child and therefore why bring a child to this world if you're not capable to look after it?
I'll check out Relate - thanks for that. I really want this marriage to work.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

Sorry your OP reads "he tried to make her have an abortion" which implies that he did more than suggest it as an option. Suggesting it is not so bad, but neither of you have a right to be angry that she didn't have one. That's all I'm saying.

I hope you manage to work it out. Good luck.

[Notsoangelface]

Why to have a baby when you clearly can't look after it? That - I don't understand. If my hubby would've not been so responsible my SD would be in a care home now...

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Sorry but you really need to grow up and be the adult here. You are creating a home where a child is growing up with one of the adults who is her primary carer, wishing she didn't exist. That is emotional abuse and you have a duty not to do that. Please go to counselling and sort out why your self-esteem is so low that you need to compete with a seven year old.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

I don't believe for one second that your dh suggested abortion for the sake of anyone but himself.

I am worried that you are focusing all of the negative feelings you have about your dh's actions onto this little girl. And I'm very pleased that you're looking for ways to improve everything - that's a really positive step. I'm also glad that your dh did step up to his responsibilities, that is what dads are supposed to do.

You are spending a lot of emotional energy hating the way things are. Your sd was born, she is here and she does need attention, love and affection. There is no point wishing this was not the case, it is not going to change. The only thing you can change is your own attitude to the situation - and you must, for your own sake as well as hers. You really will drive yourself crazy living your life resenting such a big part of it.

You cannot change his past but you can accept it (with help) and learn to appreciate it for what it is.

[Surfermum]

I think you maybe need to stop worrying about things that you can't change or do anything about. There are things that are in your sphere of control and things that aren't. Concentrate on the things you can change - ie your relationship with your dsd, rather than what you can't change, and that's the past or any of the choices that your dsd's mum has made or how she behaves.

[Notsoangelface]

I know that I'm worring about things I can't do anything about and that is my whole point that I am aware of that but I do have quite a lot on my plate. I just really hate that I do so much for my SD - always making sure that she has clan clothes, she's done her home work etc and I DO realise that the only thing I'm not giving that much is my love, but I find it very difficult - she is not my child. Every time she comes back from her mums - she's like- my mummy this, my mummy that. I don't like that I do all hard work and she (ex) gets all the glory. Also I do know that my relationship with my SD got worse when (it's not bad - pls don't get me wrong - I'm just a bit tense around her)I/we found out about that other possible child. Also that hasn't helped my relationship with my SD that my SD mum stopped giving any money towards her school, clothes etc and therefore I can't spend money for my own needs cause our family budget is tighter and I understand that it is NOT my SD fault but somehow in my brain I think that if she wouldn't be here that wouldn't happen. Should, would, could - I know that I need help to get my head clear. Quite often I feel so alone and I know that is my own fault. I over-analise everything...I'm trying to improve things. I contacted my local Relate so hopefully counselling will give me answers why I feel like this.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

It is a good thing that your DSD loves her mum. It means she is getting a stable upbringing. You will never "get all the glory" that's not how parenthood works. We get taken for granted and put upon, but it's worth it because ultimately it's not about our needs, it's about giving the child your best.

The only way you can stop feeling on the outside is if you forget about your dh's past and how DSD was conceived and focus on becoming a family unit. Your resentment is so strong that at the moment you cannot love your DSD. So you do need to work through these issues.

I know you say the only thing you don't give is love, but actually that's pretty much the most important thing you can give. Good luck with the counselling.

[pocketmonster]

Blimey! I've not read the whole thread, but there are some really harsh judgemental post on here! Have you all lived totally blameless lives and never made a mistake? I doubt it - ok they may not be the same mistakes as the OP talks about - but come on!!

Notosangelface - I do think that counselling would be a good thing for you to do - it sounds as though you have quite low self esteem (as do lots of us!), and I know from personal experience how difficult it can be dealing with step children and their relationship with your partner. I didn't find it easy and didn't really have it in perspective until I had my own children.

Don't be so hard on yourself, but try to think intellectually about your DH and DSD relationship - as one of the (supportive) posters has said - his love isn't finite, there's enough to go around.

I hope you work things out.

[pocketmonster]

If she is going on about her mum, but isn't getting properly cared for by her mum (by that I mean, not being bathed, having her teeth cleaned, fed properly) it may be that, rather than thinking her mum is great, she is noticing how much she is looked after at your house and worries that maybe her mum isn't that great - a child will take responsibility for any perceived lack of love from a parent, they won't think its their parents fault, they will think it's because they are unlovable and will try very hard to 'win' the parents love. (if that makes sense!)

I have a frieds who's mum used to let her run wild, wear what she wanted and do pretty much as whe wanted - and from a very young age - whilst her Dad and Stepmum were quite strict and she had a bedtime, proper meals, couldn't go out and stay out, wasn't allowed to dress inappropriately etc She is a step parent herself now and brings her DSD's up in the same way that her Dad and step mum brought her up, because she says that is where she felt safest. She also recalls hearing one of her friends parents commenting on how she was dressed and that her mum didn't seem to care what time or how she got home - and at the time she remembers how much that upset her.

Kids have very strong emotions, but often don't have the language or understanding of what they are feeling to articulate it properly - so what you think you see with your DSD probably isn't how she feels at all. I think the suggestion of doing something girly with her is a very good one - try to build your own relationship with her, rather than just being the care giver when she is with her Dad.

[Notsoangelface]

Thank you pocketmonster for your support. I will get some conselling and will sort my head out. Sometimes I'm completely fine about the situation but sometimes specially when I haven't spend much time with my hubby I'm feeling angry and frustrated and take it out on my SD. I know it's not her fault and if i've been a bit mean to her I always apologise. And actually last year she gave me the best gift ever - she made me a lovely mothers day card and didn't even call her own mother. I think she knows that even if I'm a bit too stict with her she is much better off with us than with her mum. She loves her mum but she begins to realise that she is not capable to look after her. I'll try to get help and sort my head out - I need it for my own well-being. I didn't actually realise that I have self-esteem problems but clearly I do so I will take actions.

[TheFirstLiffey]

I can't even read this. I'm so cross that you're still bringing up the fact that your husband wanted the girl's mother to have an abortion!!! As though the mother were awkward from the start for not having an abortion to suit your husband, how inconvenient for you. I'm sorry to be so blunt but this child was in your husband's life before you were, and more to the point your husband 50% brought her into the World.

[Notsoangelface]

Dear TheFirstLiffey,

I am glad that you are PERFECT!

[TheFirstLiffey]

I'm not perfect but I just realise that a man's child is not like his bad temper or his smoking habit, or his leaving the toilet seat up...

A man's child outranks you as you are an adult.

Although in fairness to you I only noticed at the end of your post that you recognise that you need counselling. Good luck with it.

[pocketmonster]

I can't think of any circumstances that would ever have made me have an abortion - personally - however I've been very lucky (looking back) never to have had an unwanted pregnancy, so my principle has never been tested (and untested principles are so easy they don't count). Add to that the fact that had I had an unwanted pregnancy then - as a woman - I would have been the one in control of the outcome.

So, in my mind, those things make me utterly without right to stand in judgment of somebody else who has experienced an unwanted pregnancy in less than ideal circumstances and chose to suggest an abortion - clearly didn't force an abortion, but suggested one.

I can only assume reading some of the posts on here that the posters are either:

so highly principled that they can afford to stand in judgement.

or they are totally unable to put themselves in somebody elses shoes.

Mmmmm - which one do I think it is...

Good luck Notso - I think you misrepresented yourself in your OP as from what you have said in your more recent post, you already have a good relationship with your SD, and she feels cared for by you. Perhaps a good start would be not being so hard on yourself - its hardly crime of the century to feel a bit crowded by a third person in your relationship - even if you know intellectally that person has a right to be there.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

pocketmonster suggesting an abortion is fine, but blaming and going on about the fact that the "suggestion" was not taken up, is ridiculous and only going to lead to heartache on all sides. OP needs to move on from wishing that things were different to accepting that DSD is here and a part of her life. I really don't see the point of your post. OP is going to get herself support for an issue that is damaging to both her family and to her. That's brilliant and positive.

I am concerned that notsoangelface's dh is fostering these feelings of resentment towards his ex, rather than helping her create a relationship with DSD.

[TheFirstLiffey]

Pocketmonster, I've no idea if that comment is directed at me or not, hopefully not as that would be extremely ignorant on your part. I am well able to put myself in somebody else's shoes when it comes to abortion.

I have a particularly high EQ and do not go around judging people harshly for things that could happen to anybody if they were less lucky or less sensible or whatever.

What I won't do though is leap on board to condemn a woman who didn't have an abortion years ago to suit somebody else, especially when the pregnancy is now a child.... to be still mentioning or even thinking about an abortion that might have happened years and years ago is so inappropriate.

I pointed this truth out, extremely bluntly I admit, but I didn't know then that the OP was already aware that she need counselling.