I confess i hate being a stepmother

(150 Posts)
marmon Wed 21-Jan-09 13:04:11

Its been 4 years and my god they have been tough, my dh has a control freak ex wife who by the way left him for another man and a trouble making step son. I could go on for hours but do not want to bore you but i just had to let off steam and say that being a stepmum is harder than looking after my kids.

We only ever argue about the ex and the boy and to be honest i am exhausted and drained from it all. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Please dont judge me for moaning its just tough sometimes.

marmon Thu 12-Feb-09 08:27:39

No im not.

Malloddie Sat 14-Feb-09 00:24:55

Just joined in on this interesting conversation; need some advice on how I'm feeling. Hope someone can help! We have just moved to a new house in another part of town; previously we lived almost across the road from DPs ex. DSS who is almost 15 isn't comfortable staying o/n and tonite called DPs ex to come and get him. I felt my 'security' and longed for 'new start' had been shattered when DPs ex got out of the car and came into the hallway of our new house. DP has since confirmed that he actually goes into the hallway of his exs house which used to be his house. Somehow I feel I don't count in whatever they see as 'fitting'. I did complain to DP 3 years ago about the ex coming into our last house to pick kids things so it was arranged that DP wud drop off things instead. This has worked well until tonite. I resent DP ex coming into our new house; especially when it was to get something that DSS could have got himself. I felt she made it the perfect opportunity to be nosey. My house not feels 'tainted' and I feel angry and betrayed by DP. He said he could hardly push her out the door! Am I raving mad or what???

ElenorRigby Sat 14-Feb-09 11:10:22

Nope your not mad imo. My DP's ex used to demand that she was able to look around DP's home and then the first home we had together.
Not anymore, come rain or shine she will not cross the threshold of our home again.
I think its not on for your DP's ex to swan in to your house if your not comfortable, it is your house too.

pinguthepenguin Sat 14-Feb-09 11:25:56

yes, you are mad. To say your home now feels 'tainted', is very unhealthy. She is the mother of your step-child. I cannot bear this attitude that she is to be someow demonised simply because she is an 'ex'. You would not leave someone you know on the doorstep of your home, and she should be no different. It's called human decency for goodness sake.

ElenorRigby Sat 14-Feb-09 11:45:44

Decency cuts both ways Pingu.

prettyfly1 Sat 14-Feb-09 14:48:08

I invited my dss mum round to look at the house. I have nowt to hide and after all her ds lives here half the time so she has every right to know where and what environment he is in. I resent her nosy cow of a mother trying to do the same thing but when she came round i let her see the house, made her a cup of tea and asked if there was anything specific she wanted me to do. I know if the boot were on the other foot i would want to know where my son was living. However if she just started waltzing in and helping herself then i would have something to say about it. This is my house and i say who comes in and out. I dont see what the problem with her being in the hallway is - that sounds massively like insane jealousy but if she is wandering around and doing what she wants then i would be narked!!

Surfermum Sat 14-Feb-09 15:00:53

You and I are so on the same wavelength prettyfly!

I'd have no problem with dsd's mum coming here. And it would be perfectly natural for dsd to want to show her her bedroom and stuff like that. I like to have a nosey at dd's classroom at school, and I liked it when I finally got to go inside dsd's house. It was like putting a face to a name sort of thing - when dd talks about school I can picture it, and when dsd talks about home I can picture it.

And for years I thought it really off that dh only ever got to knock on the door of dsd's mum's place and wasn't ever allowed in. It's better now, he goes in for a cuppa and after our summer holiday when we dropped dsd off we all went in for a wee (me, dh and dd) and we ended up staying for fish and chips!

prettyfly1 Sat 14-Feb-09 15:03:46

surfer that does sound nice. My dp is allowed into her house and there was a time over xmas where she was really early and to leave her standing on the doorstep would just have been churlish. I really hope that one day we can get to your stage!!

Surfermum Sat 14-Feb-09 15:12:43

But I am so pleased that it is like that now. Makes life so much easier.

It hasn't always been like that! Boy did she hate me. And even when dh started getting invited in I still had to stay in the car! And when dd was first potty trained she'd just about manage the drive from ours to dsd's but would need a wee. I got accused of sending dd in to spy on the house and report back to me. She was 2 ROFL!

And I still shake if I get a text or phone call out of the blue from her. It always used to mean trouble of some sort or a mouthful of abuse.

prettyfly1 Sat 14-Feb-09 15:17:53

ummmmmmmmm. sounds so very familiar. Oh well, I shall live in hope of it one day being the way you have it now.

pinguthepenguin Sat 14-Feb-09 15:45:06

I am utterly appalled by the words 'tainted' being used to describe the mother of your step-child. Like she is some sort of disgusting odour that is lingering in your house, simply because she dared enter the hallway, or worse, that she dared to have a life with your partner before you did. She is the childs MOTHER, and yes, decency may well cut both ways, but how the hell is using words like 'tainted' conducive to fostering a workable relationship between parents? I think you need to seriously have a word with yourself because the child will eventually see how you feel about his mother, and you will not be viewed favourably.

cashmeremafia Sat 14-Feb-09 16:08:27

Tainted is indeed a strong word. I think you should face the fact that the hallway is not really your home, but more like an extension of the street for postman, milkman, etc. If you are really bothered about it, why don't you cleanse the space with candles and a bell. I'm not kidding you, just a ritual to calm you down.

Also, it might help if you soul search and find out why exactly you hate her so much. It's not healthy you know. Hate is such a strong emotion and it lingers and cripples you emotionally. Let go, she is an ex for a reason. Try to humour her and be charitable and rise above it all if she isn't.

prettyfly1 Sat 14-Feb-09 16:14:20

I must admit, I am a bit taken aback at how strongly you view the mother of your dss entering the hallway of your house. You did understand that she would be involved when you met your dp didnt you? Because you do need to realise that whilst we may love our stepchildren, ultimately they are not ours and their mums, quite rightly, come first and always should do. And as such as the parent of a child she has the right to see where he lives for a large proportion of the time and not be excluded from any element of his life. Its only what i would want if it were me.

Surfermum Sat 14-Feb-09 17:45:13

I totally agree cashmeremafia (even down to the candles and bells). It's exactly what I was going to say. Why do you feel so strongly about her? What has she done?

The thing is pingu, while I agree with your sentiment, we don't know the full story here. It might not be JUST because she's gone in the hall or JUST because she had a relationship with Mallodie's partner. She might have behaved really badly either towards Mallodie or her dp. I must admit for all the stuff I post on here there have been times when I have found it extremely hard to feel charitable towards dsd's mum. Threatening to "smack me in the gob", sending me abusive letters and telling me she hoped my baby was born deformed spring to mind for starters.

prettyfly1 Sat 14-Feb-09 18:01:15

I so agree surfermum - hence why i always try to hear other perspectives before judging. Poster are you around.

pinguthepenguin Sat 14-Feb-09 18:14:30

surfer, I hear you- and I'm sure there must be reasons why she feels so strongly- but seriously, entering the hallway? Feeling 'betrayed' by her DP because he entered the hallway of a house he once shared with his ex, and where his child lives? I cant ever imagine feeling so strongly against this, that I would ban my ex from my home- however much I would like to. In fact I would love nevvr to clap eyes on him or his nw again, but for the sake of my dd, my door is an open one.

Judy1234 Sat 14-Feb-09 18:56:12

You need therapy for having those wrong feelings of taint. It's jealousy that she had a child with him and they will always be connected very strongly by that. Why does that have to matter? It wouldn't bother me at all if my children's father introduced me to a girl friend, invited her into here to see me.

But on the original post, yes 15 year old boys can be dreadful. I've had one and now he's older he's lovely but at the time it is so so hard for them. It really is. You have to remember what iwas like when you were 15, when hormones surge, when you're becoming independent. They hit out at people they care about often and learn to wind people up. If they know they get to you they've won too.

If you can't like him, poor him, then just keep away from him. He probably wants his father to himself anyway and who can blame him?

Surfermum Sat 14-Feb-09 19:07:00

I'm with you pingu in every other respect! I would like to hear more background from you Mallodie. What is the problem with him being in her house? What a shame too that your dss doesn't feel comfortable staying with you. Have you looked at ways of overcoming that?

Sorry Marmon we've highjacked your thread.

noonki Sat 14-Feb-09 19:59:15

Malloddie-

think about it from your stepsons view point- his Mum isn't able to see his new room or house. No wonder your dss is uncomfortble coming over.

That's tight.

Why do you dislike her so much?

It's terrible for your stepson to be in the middle of all that anger and bitterness.

My DH had xmas dinner this year with his ex and my dss. (He spent the morning with us, then went there for lunch, before going to work in the evening... crossing most of the uk in the process)

five years ago they were having court proceedings over access rights and couldn't be in the same room together.

It is possible to be civil, and unless their is violence or agression i think all adults involved need to start working towards civilality for everyone's sake.

ElenorRigby Sat 14-Feb-09 20:21:51

As Surfermum has said we do not know where Mallodie is coming from. Maybe as Xenia says she is insanely jealous of the ex but somehow I doubt that, she sounds hurt to me or maybe that's just me projecting.
I do not want/will not accept DP's ex in our house. There far too much water under the bridge to extend her that courtesy. She will now have the same courtesy she extends to DP, the doorstep.
In the past she has barged in even when against my wishes she insisted she would bring DSD to see DD when she was a newborn. I wanted DP to bring DSD to see DD but felt weak and overruled. I left my hospital room while she went in. I felt violated.
I could be accused of overreacting or being unreasonable if that was the only instance, but there are many more mostly of her hurting DP and DSD.

catsmother Sat 14-Feb-09 22:40:17

Talk of tainting does indeed sound extreme but it all depends on the background doesn't it ? Regardless of who she is, would anyone want to invite into their homes someone who (for example) has told, and continues to tell, outrageous and dangerous lies over several years, who has left upsetting and insulting messages on your phone (and similar texts and emails), someone who has deliberately and unapologetically (is that a word ?) set out to waste thousands of £s by cancelling (i.e. refusing to allow children to come) agreed holidays at the very last moment (like the afternoon before), who has called you all variations of whore on a regular basis (even though you met her ex years after they split), who has called your children "bastards", who encourages your stepchildren to "spy" and report back (by rifling through all manner of private things - financial & personal)and who then uses this "evidence" to berate you with and to turn the children against their father still further, and who has caused untold worry, frustration and upset by constant manipulation and obstruction, which have resulted in long term adverse affects upon your life, that of your partner and that of your children. In short, someone who has never shown you the slightest courtesy and who is hell bent on causing chaos for god knows what reason. Someone who is not only thoroughly unpleasant, but quite possibly in need of "help" and who is therefore actually rather frightening.

I absolutely would not want someone like that in MY home. Someone who already has far more knowledge of my life (through underhand means) than would ever be necessary and who would undoubtedly use any further knowledge (or perceived knowledge) to cause further problems. Yes ..... I accept that probably sounds rather paranoid to those of you who thankfully have normal, respectful relationships with exes, but there are people like that out there believe me. To have such a person in what is supposed to be my sanctuary would indeed feel like a violation.

If an ex was polite, fair and honest I'd have no problem with the idea at all and agree it would be best for the children, but in certain circumstances you have every right to draw a line.

Surfermum Sun 15-Feb-09 12:27:51

Yeh but catsmother you knew what you were getting into so why are you complaining wink.
Seriously though, that sounds so awful and stressful for you.

catsmother Sun 15-Feb-09 14:22:02

Yeah right Surfermum wink ..... I must obviously be a masochist !

I have only, and probably will only ever, allude to my own experience, rather than descibe specific incidents etc (apart from anything, it would take me months to write about all that's gone on) on here because I don't want to be identified, but I do actually know quite a few other stepmothers with - ahem - "challenging" - situations, and, compared to them, I think I have it relatively easy. I know women who have been kicked in the stomach when pregnant for example, or who have been wrongly accused of abuse.

I do however, still believe that the vast majority of "1st" wives, "2nd" wives and stepchildren are perfectly normal and nice, making the best out of circumstances which are often complicated. I did actually think I knew what I was getting into because, having been a single mum for 7 years when I met my DP (and having managed to maintain a civil & honest relationship with my ex & his new wife for the sake of our son) I never imagined for a second that I'd ever become the object of a stranger's hatred simply by having a relationship with a man she'd been apart from for quite some time. I naiively thought that the worst that could happen would be a bit of negotiation and compromise over clashing dates every so often, and the inconvenience of gloves and wellies being left behind at the other's house from time to time. Boy was I wrong !

ElenorRigby Sun 15-Feb-09 15:01:04

Sorry I hadnt quite finished my thoughts from last post as DP had just finished cooking our Valentines meal, we had a great evening. wink

Anyway what I wanted to finish with was that no size fits all in any situation. In our case because DP's ex overstepped boundaries in the past the bank of good will has been exhausted and things are now very businesslike and defined to discourage DP's ex overstepping the mark and causing more hurt.

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 15:48:14

My ex has no desire to enter our house, but if he wanted to I'd happily let him in so he can see the kid's bedrooms etc. I still go in his house with no problems. My husband's ex hasn't been in our house but we got upset when the first time his kid's came to see our house they came in with their mum's boyfriends kids who we'd never met before and the boyfriend. We thought that was OTT as they all just barged in. My husband will go in his exes house if the kids want to show him their bedrooms etc, although if his ex is there (his kids are older) she'll often just let him wait outside.
In general being pleasant to exes even if you dislike them is good for the kids.

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