What to do about DSD.

[mummynumber2]

I'm really beginning to worry about dsd, 11 and am just wondering if anyone has ever had a similar thing and what they did.
Her mother and DP and I really have very different views on how it is best to bring up children and what is safe for them. I suppose it's now beginning to have an effect on her.
On 2 occasions recently, when DSD was supposed to be coming home from school to our house she has been missing for several hours. We have no idea where she was and neither has her mother, who doesn't seem to think it is a problem. When she arrived back DP obviously questioned her and still didn't get to the bottom of it.
The first thing she then does is ring her mother, who sais that DP was wrong to have said anything to her and is being a 'control freak'.
She also wears the most provocative clothing and full make up most of the time which Dp has tried in various ways to encourage her not to do but the same thing happens.
There are also various other things that happen here that don't at the DSC's mothers. Like eating propor meals at a table with a knife and fork, not allowing kids to watch adult programmes, having bed times, all helping tidy the house. Simple things, but now they have all started saying that DP only makes them do these things because he is a control freak.
She was supposed to be staying with us this half term but on Tuesday she was on the phone to her mother complaining that DP had told her to pick up a piece of paper from the floor that wasn't hers. The next thing we know she's decided to get on a bus to her mothers house where she ended up staying.
Just not sure what to do now. If DP talks to her about it then he's being a 'control freak' (which he really isn't, just trying to be a responsible parent) and if he gives in and just lets her do whatever she wants the consequences could be terrible.

[mummynumber2]

Thank god, it's not just us!
Keep telling myself it's just the age. But actually know that it can only get worse. And the other 2 will do the same thing at some point!

[Lulah]

looks like she doesnt want to be told what to do by anyone so who ever is nt around when these situations happen she just rings the other parent to get her own way -typical teen just a bit early!!!!

[cory]

She is being a typical teen, but of course that is so much more difficult in a step family situation.

I would suggest to dh that he tries to pick his battles: having her go awol for several hours is very dangerous, not helping to tidy the house or eating sloppily is annoying but not dangerous. If he tried for a while to only enforce the most important rules, that would cut down on a lot of conflict. I appreciate how annoying this is to him, but atm he needs to make sure he retains his influence over her, as he is the more responsible parent. He might even be able to sit down with her in a calm moment and discuss what she feels are important rules.

I would also suggest that her Dad avoids criticising her appearance at all costs (including makeup). Libby Purves in her wonderful book Nature's Miracle gives good reasons why this is something a dad in particular should not be doing. His job is to be her loyal admirer (as far as appearance goes). If her appearance is really that outrageous, no doubt her mates will let her know much more effective coming from them. And remember 11yos are often very innocent in their attitude to clothing; what looks like deliberate provocation to him, may be a relatively innocent attempt to look grownup on her side.

He should also try to think of fun things to do with her. I don't mean buying her off, doing expensive treats, just things she might like to do, together with the two of you. In the long run, the only way we can exercise control over our growing children, is by maintaining good communication (by which I don't mean giving in to their every whim) A good giggle with her family can do more to keep a teenager safe than any amount of withdrawn privileges. The more she feels connected, the less she will want to upset you.

I have found with my own 11yo that she has a great need for independence, though thankfully we have so far been able to channel into legitimate outlets, like going to the shops and the library. Maybe he can discuss with her how she can become more independent but stay safe.

[mummynumber2]

Thanks Cory. Me and DP really do try to do fun things with her and DP spends a lot of time and effort on her, sometimes to the detriment of his other DCs. It just seems that the more attention she gets the more she wants. It does make a lot of sense to only fight the most important battles though. We'll give that a go.

The appearance thing is so difficult though. Her mothers encourages her to dress how she does. At the age of 8 she arrived at outr house wearing a tiny plastic snake skin effect skirt made by a company called 'Lolita clothing' (I kid you not). DP always thought that it was just a way for his ex to get at him and our response used to be to just take the clothes away and replace them with more suitable things.
I took her and a friend out for pizza tonight in an attempt to tame her a bit. When I saw her I really didn't know how to react. She was wearing knee high boots, black mini skirt, short black plastic faux leather jacket and enormous hoop earrings. People were looking at her in disgust, which is what I would have done if she wasn't my DSD. Even worse, a couple of men (not boys) seemed to like the way she looked. I know she doesn't do it to be sexual, she just wants to be grown up. But I actually think how she is dressing is dangerous to her.