advice from stepmums please

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi ladies.

I've been posting on other areas of mn recently, seeking advice about having recently become a single parent.

Basically, my xp left a few months ago after the birth of our dd. There was someone else involved and I knew her briefly, although not well. He denies that he ended the relationship because of the ow,and I believe that nothing physical happened before we split but he admits she was 'catalyst' in some way. It's been a very difficult time to say the least.
Anyway, it has since emerged that he is already taking dd to the ow's house and going out for the day with her and her child. I was very upset about that but he didn't see the problem. I dislike the situation intensely, and although I shouldn't have, I initially participated in a spot of vitriol via shouting matches/texts etc to both parties. I wish I hadn't done that, because I've embarrassed myself a bit, and worse, I've helped him justify his decision to leave in the first place. I also look a bit unhinged in front of said high-flying, pretty, intelligent OW. I realise how I feel isn't productive for any of us, least of all dd, and I'm working very hard at extracting myself from the relationship emotionally. Part of this means I have to accept that the ow is likely to become part of my childs life and to deal with it.

The question is....how? This may seem strange, but I would love to hear advice from stepmums out there,who have been the ow/catalyst (I'm not here to judge, by the way- affairs of the heart are never black and white)when a relationship ends. How have you managed the situation when there are children involved? Have you eventually managed to have civil working relationships with the mothers of the children, despite the intial pain? I don't feel particuarly hearfelt for this woman at the moment, just as I dont for my exp - but I hope for my child sake, and my own (as it seems I'm the only one losing any sleep tbh) that I dont always feel lke that, and that I'll eventually be indifferent to the situation.

Whats the best thing I can do to feel differently, and to create a situation thats best for DD and for myself?

[pinguthepenguin]

anyone?

[CarmenerryChristmas]

My dsis and her ex manage to have a very civilised relationship over her dd but she is now 22 and time has healed most of the wounds caused by the bad marriage.

I think that the very fact that you are thinking like this means that there is a great chance of you succeeding to have a good working relationship with the potential step parent of your child.
You don't have to love her but being civilised helps, I can chat to dsd mum on the phone about dsd when she is staying here or whatever. I usually am very complimentary and say how much we love having her with us and that seems to go down well iyswim.

Just try when the time seems right, I'd leave it for a while if I were you though, a few months is too short a time to be able to tell if she is around for the long haul and indeed for you to be healing from your hurt.

[littlerach]

I met dh about 9 months after hge and his ex had split up, and he had 2 children, who he maintained very good contact with.
At first, his ex was pretty civil with me, and we chatted a fair bit about the children (ss has high special needs). But one night she flipped, and shouted and raged down the phone to dh, then to me. And in the end we had to disconnect the phone as she just kept calling. After that she was very rude and unkind to me for quite a long time, never for any reason, but if I answered the phone when she called to speak to dh (my house) she would shout and scream at me. You can imagine the strain it put on us.

She moved back to her parents' area a few months later, about 100 miles away, whixh obviously made it very hard for dh to see his children, but he still went every weekend. She would shout and verbally abuse him then. I think she had a boyfriend at this itme, so I'm not sure fo this was the catalyst as when she broke up with him it was very messy.

Then I got pg with dd1 and dh's ex said some very unpleasean tthings about what she hoped would happen to the baby.

However, she did stop a bit then, and eventually it was more civilised. Now we actually get on quite well, and we have a reasonable relationship. Dh obviously sees her when he visiots the children, ans speaks ot her then, and doesn't mind as much now!!

Sorry, have rambled on a bit now!
Anyway, this is 9 years down the road, and we are all civil to each otjer. But I would still be wary o f her if I knew she was in a temper. I htink as long as you have your dd's best interests in mind, you'll do fine.
Good luck!

[clairejo]

I met df a couple of months after he and ex wife split up (she had the affair). She didn't want me seeing their ds at all but I did in the end. I now have 2 dc as does she with her new partner. We see dss every other weekend. We all generally get on for the sake of dss although I do feel like strangling her sometimes but thats another story

[ScarletA]

Pingu - you sound fantastically mature, perceptive and civilized already, despite the obvious pain you're in. What a lucky dd you have to have such a grown up, intelligent mother. So give yourself a big pat on the back for being so brilliant.

I don't have the awful experience that you have - with an ow and an affair. I met dp after he'd split up with ds's mum, so my situation is very different, without the pain that you have to go through. Just thought I'd say though that you are managing so well and to keep it up.

I have not one but 2 exes (dp has 3 children with two previous partners) and I have a good relationship with both women. One I genuinely like, the other is more difficult but for the sake of the children it is very important that you at least pretend to get on. It is not, after all, any of the kids' faults that the relationships between their parents didn't work out - we have to be The Adults and try and keep things civil at the very least. It is hard sometimes but over the years of 'being civil' to ex2, I have found that we have built some sort of fairly good working relationship together and I know ds appreciates it - as his dad and mum spent many years fighting - I was the constant, calm, mediating presence that hopefully helped him in amongst it all. Ex2 even has my two over for whole weekend sleepovers now which is fantastic. Eventaully you may even appreciate the odd weekend off your ex and ow might give you when they take your dd? Probably a long time away, when your heart has moved on, but who knows?

In the meantime, give yourself a good time for at least trying to do the right thing. Eventually, you will feel in the right place to accept this ow (or another) into your and your dd's life.

[Anna8888]

I am stepmother to two boys. I have never met my partner's ex-wife and have no direct dealings with her; however, she is more than happy for me to look after her sons - in fact, the more the better, as far as she is concerned, as she is much more interested in her work and, especially, her social life than in her children .

This makes things easier for me (though is sad for the boys).

I suppose that, as a stepmother, I am concerned not to step on the real mother's toes and do things for her children that she would prefer to do herself, but, honestly and truthfully, I have realised she just couldn't care less so I am much less cautious than I was at first.

[crokky]

pinguthepenguin - I am a step daughter, not a step mother...but anyway...

I think it is a very positive thing that the OW has a child of her own. This means that she knows how to take care of a child and also understands how much a mother loves her child. Although the situation is not what you would have wanted, I do think it is better for you and your DD that she is a mother herself. (My step mother has no children of her own).

My mother and step mother are now on OK terms. Try speaking to the OW on the phone to organise something etc...

[Santasmissyontheside]

i'm simular to anna, the exw is what is coming across as bitter and jealous at the mo. dh and i have 2 dds and he has a ds. she says hurtful things to dh like he doesnt care for dss as he does our dds. she added me as a friend on fbook recently and said she didnt want to be enemys etc. which is great. i think she done it more to be nosy but hey ho. we have exchanged texts too.

[PuppyDogTails]

I am stepmother to a boy and a girl, the girl now lives with us.

DP and I got together relatively soon after he split with his ex, about 7 years ago now. I kept out of the way in the early days but DP and I moved in together after about 9 months at which point it made more practical sense for the kids to come to our house. Prior to that DP was living on a mates sofa and he and the kids used to spend all day in the car when he had them! I still don't have a lot of direct contact with his ex, even though her daughter now lives with us. I can sense that she finds it difficult to relate to me, she won't make eye contact for example. I'm not sure why but I just let it wash over me and don't take it personally! I leave DP to have all the conversations in relation to the kids and he'll discuss with me when something important arises.

I'm not sure that any of that helps!

I think I'm trying to say that you don't need to worry about having to like her! You will only have to deal with your daughter's father if you want to. The only thing I would say is that, hard as it may be, you should try to remain neutral about her with your DD, she will be put in a difficult situation if she feels she has to take sides. Your DD will know that you're mum even though the OW will be part of her life. DSS used to cry in the night when he stayed with us because his mum used to tell him how much she missed him when he was away - this used to make him feel guilty about being with us. Interestingly she never used to say this to DSD .

[dragonstitcher]

I wasn't the catalyst in DHs marriage break-up, we met after his XW left him. But she did have a hard time with me when we first met, probably because of the age difference. I am 21 years younger than him, 11 years younger than her. I respected her and put up with a lot that may make other 2nd wives jealous, in order to keep everything civil and friendly. It paid off because we are now very good friends.

I was also in your boat. XH left me for another woman. He always refused to admit that he left me for her, but he moved in with her a week after leaving me, so it was kind of obvious. DD1 was 4, DD2 was 1. I gave them a very hard time and refused to let DD2 stay with them for a good 6 months. I tried to warn OW off of XH who was a mental/emotional abuser. I bumped into her about a year after they split and she told me that she wished she had listened to me, as he beat her up.

You can't really tar every situation with the same brush, as every one is different. I know how much it hurts, but I also know that it can be more comfortable for everyone (esp DCs) if you remain amicable.

[Siane]

Hi Pinguthepenguin,
I think you're marvellous to ask the question to be honest.
I think I fit the bill well of the ow in your account although I didn't have a child when DH and I met. He was living at home with his DW and 3 kids and had been married for 18 years. The marriage was failing but I was definitely the catalyst and I'm ashamed to say I did see him a number of times whilst he was still living at home - maybe 4 or so.
He left 6 years ago and we now have a 2 year old DD and another due in 10 days..
Things have been very much up and down with the ex but I think I can pinpoint what was going on when they were 'up'.
First of all, it was important that we both apologised to her or at least recognised her pain. Whatever the ins and outs, we had each other and she was alone with the kids. I wrote to her after a year - she's never acknowledged the note but there was a definite thawing afterwards. Obviously, you can't prompt them to do this but maybe you could write to them explaining how you feel for your own catharsis.

The other things that helped were regular communication with both of us. She initially demonised me into being a 'type' - attractive, career woman or probably hard faced slapper. I don't see myself in this way but I am younger and know that in the absence of information people fall back on to the cliche. Although people might think it helped her to be dismissive of me, ultimately it didn't as, as you point out, we're in each other's lives for keeps. I spend a huge amount of time with her kids and they talk about me a lot.

It's hard work emotionally to sustain negative feelings for someone and usually just eats you up. When she got to know me as a person, not a cardboard cutout of the ow, by her own admission, it stopped her feeling bitter. She could see I was normal, with faults and bad habits like everyone else. She saw me on shit days with no make up on, or overweight, or crying as I'd been in a car crash for example - I'm just saying, she saw me as a human being. I think she then stopped thinking about me so much, I just became someone else she knows rather than a mystery woman.

The times that have been bad have been when communication stops and the old bitterness creeps back for both of us. We recently talked on the phone for 2 hours and both showed our hands, so to speak. It helped a lot.

Also, keep talking to your ex. Don't use texts, please, or email. They don't work. When you're upset, you sound mad or angry whereas on the phone you would sound upset - it's more genunine. I've been knocked sideways by some emails she's sent me that she wrote in a fit of spite, which I've then read and reread then decided not to talk to her as they were so awful. If she'd rung me, I would have forgotten them quicker.

Sorry this is so long. I think the key is to actually spend some time with them, on the phone or in person, to demystify them. Otherwise, you'll add in details in your head, agonise over it and it will hurt you. They're flawed human beings just making their way - no better than you and no worse than you, they're just Other People. Demystifying them is the quickest way to indifference, honestly.

Good luck and you haven't let yourself down by ranting - unless they're mad they'll recognise you're in pain.
Juliet

[Lulah]

Don t worry about your rants forgeet about them you are entitled to be slightly miffed.
However, just think it is important for the dad to be in your little ones life and when he has her totally allow him to be the dad and spend time however he chooses so long as child is safe and you sound confident that he ll take good care of her.The OW has had a child and hopefully is responsible too.
And while he has the child get yourselfs loads of YOU time. Really do what you want relax,read, socialise ,cinema,sleep,anything ! enjoy your time.
You might find you are able to deal with this whole trauma in a much calmer way and then wont find yourself ranting.
Don t think about her OW think of you you you .

[LooptheLoop]

Hi, just to reiterate what ScarletA has written. It sounds like you are doing an absolutely fantastic job as a mother in horrible circumstances.

I can't add much advice - I met my DH post his divorce. For that it's worth I think your ex is introducing his new girlfriend far too early but there's nothing you can do about that but rise above it and be the better parent as you are already doing. Your daughter sounds very lucky to have you.

My DH's parents divorced when he was young due to his dad's numerous affairs. His mum never said a word and took the approach you are taking and ignored a lot of later provocation and poor behaviour. Years later he loves his dad "because he's my dad" but it is very much a duty thing and he hardly sees him. Whereas he adores his mum and really appreciates how much she put the kids first.

Hang in there, rant away here and keep your head held high. Big hug to you.