please help me as desperate

[babyalfie]

well I have three children 16, 14 and 7. I am sepertaed from the older twos father when they were just babies thenmet a lovely man whom i had my son with. He is a lovely man and will do anything for my children but he looses his temper and gets so cross. We have tried counselling etc but he gets so angry and I hate it. I even have to remind him how to treat my son ehen he has him on sunday.
Well in the morning it is my birthday and he has bought me laods of presents from the body shop, chocolates from thorntons and booked my hair for me... this is just not wahat I want as the children think he is wonderful.

Well to cut a long story short I met a lovely man, he has hardly any money but has got full time work after Christmas guaranteed. His wife died when his son was 3 6 years agao. I am not just his lover but his best friend and we talk about anything and mean anything. I love him to bits and he has bought me a ring for my birthday and gave it to me. I have been with him 8 months now and know i want to spend my life with him as so happy to be with himk. He makes me laugh and he tries so hard with the children. He is only down the next st and although we live so close if i see him more than twice a week at night my eldest two daughters go mad and complain. I am nver allowed to stay over at his house evern though my eldest daughter is nearly 17. He runs my eldest to school for me every morning at 7.45 and she does not appreciate anything.
When i moved nto my new house we only could afford three bedrooms so i gave up my bedroom just so the girls could have room. My daughters probaly hae been spoilt and my fault and they have no respect at all for me or him. Tonight I am sat here crying and just rung my new man up to say it is over as they will not allow me to be happy.. just what can I do. The girls have told me that i ahve to go to my ex's at christmas and play happy families if i like it or not which i have so agreed to but not happy at the thought of my new man sat alone with his son.

My littl boy has adjusted very well and he loves my new man although we have done things slow. My new man has time for him and plays with him and makes him laugh too. His dad picked him up from school and he just wanted me and cried though.

I just do not know what to do or where to turn. Is it selfish of me to want happiness or would you in this situation put your children first something I have always done.

please elp me as would really appreciate any answers at all you may have.

[Carmenere]

And allowing your dc's to dictate how their mother behaves is good for them in what way?
Go and have present opening and champagne with the dc's and ex and then go and have lunch with your new man.
And present it to them as a fait accomplait with a smile on your face and tell them that if they give you a hard time they will get coals from father Christmas. you are allowed happiness and indulging their demands is doing them no favours. For your childrens sake be firm and loving but stop allowing them to tell you what to do.

[Carmenere]

Oh and take a bedroom back and tell them it is so you can have some privacy with your boyfriend. You are a grown woman and it is not like you are dragging strangers home to shag. This man is good to them and loves you, that should be enough of a basis for them to build a workable relationship between them.

[babyalfie]

Oh thanks so much for replying. I have my room back now as I have had the attic done out thank goodness. My new man tries so so hard and will do anything for me and my family and all I want to be is happy but just because he is not up market like their father with psh car etc.. they think he is loser. He also smokes that they hate but he never smokes in my house or in the car if they are there. He has also discussed stopping after christmas.

I know we were meant for one another. I told him they called my ring cheap and horrible and thin k that upset but £100 is lot of money to him.

I also have not as much money since splitting up with my ex but I know now they appreciate items i do by them so much.
I can fully understand they love my ex so much and really they just do not want to hurt him nor do i as i will always love him in a way where i do not want to hurt him etc if you know what i mena as we have been togther 13 years.

I have upset my new man saying it is over as my girls just will not let em have a fu...ing life and it is true they will not. My eldest swears at me bring freinds to sleep, bakes without asking me etc... I really hate her to be honest and to hate your own daughter it is a terrible thing.

[Carmenere]

Ok well I would say that if your eldest dd was reigned in most of your problems would disappear. We will deal with that seperately.

Ring him (your new man) back and say that you are sorry and that you panicked and that you will find a way through the crap. Step families are very complex but as long as the children are secure in the knowledge that they are loved they will be ok.

So technically your dc's probably realise that NM is ok but they would prefer if he was wealthy. Is the problem that your ex is still in love with you and they don't want him to be hurt?

If so you must get things straight with him and he must tell them that they have to accept that you are allowed to have a new man in your life. He must of course couch it in a way that reassure them that he will always be in their lives. I presume the elders dc's dad is nowhere to be seen?

[babyalfie]

The problem is my ex to be honest. I am not sure he is all there to be honest. Although he is a lovely caring man he does have a verbal abuse problem and in my new relationship I have so much trust from my new man.

I beleive that my ex loves me too bits still and he will not move on as obsessed by me. He gives the girls money and i hate it as cannot keep up with it. They know deep down that he is not right for me and that I love my new man but guess it is hard. Iy gets me so so cross.
My new man is so caring and considertae and he has just emailed me to say he is with me 100% and i i wnat to talk he is there.

Can I just ask would you say that if i stay an odd saturday night at my new mans house while thre brother is at their fathers and they are going to their fathers that morning a bad thing... after all they are 16 and 14. They have said they will not allow me and think why are the telling me what to do.

Thanks so much fro replying honestly I so much appreciate it. I wantt o amrry this mana nd will do i hope in a year or so. We have played things very cool and his son already soemtimes calls me mum which my son does not mind at all which I am very surprised. We intend on selling his house and moving in with me eventually as we both know we are 100% sure what we want.

thanks

[babyalfie]

oh the eldest two dad is to be seen he is a brilliant hands on father who is very affluent bmw, bighouse etc... he has money but to him time is very important and whern he has the girls every other sunday they love it. sorry forgot that bit!

[Doodledootoo]

Message withdrawn

[Carmenere]

Why can't he have them on Saturday nights as well as Sunday's. In fact if dd1 is being such a pain why can't he have her week on week off and give you a rest. Tbh I wouldn't leave them alone overnight because they may do something stupid to 'punish' you.

[babyalfie]

yes if you met me you would think I am very stong headed person, organised etc but underneath I am not. Yes my 16 year old is a good child but has no respect what so ever for me. She does nothing in the house at all and i mean nothing. My other daughter does the dishwasher very night and helps with her little brother and i appreciae this little help and tell her this.

How do you suggest I get vack on track, she just demands things, swears at me and yet her school think she is the pefect studious child that will go to uni etc with ex grades. She has in the last two weeks got a saturday which helps a little as she is earning money.

An example of her is that we went to a virgin vie party and she ordered x amount of items and then her work rang and said they did not want her so sh ehad no money to pay for the goods. My partner paid and i said when she gets her ema through will give it back.

Any books or tips to get back on track then???? Thanks i do appreciate your replies

[babyalfie]

oh when i say leave them they are very sensible girls... never been in any trouble at all. Also my new partner lives 7 doors down the street lol

[babyalfie]

oh the girls father will not have them overnight as he has a daughter.. he used to do but the csa he says take too much off him so he cannot afford??? silly i know but i appreciate the sundays he has them as it is lovely as my son goes with his father....

[Doodledootoo]

Message withdrawn

[babyalfie]

Oh thanks any ideas will be fab... I think i should start where they walk to school. My eldest has to get a bus and we live at the top of the town on verge of moors but only takes 15 mins to walk to the bus station.
my other one can get the bus near the house thus meaning i can give my 6 yr old some time and time to take him to school.

Any books or any ideas at all you may have I would appreciate you letting me know. All she does is eat and sleep and go to school where she is doing her alevels. I asked her to take soem wet washing to the wshing machine this morning and she said she would try... she really pushes me to the limit. The 14 year old one is quite poorly as she has bad diabetic control and eating disorderso he is very moodedy but she does help with her brother ie will bath him odd days and like i mentioned before she does the dishwasher fills and empies and wipes kitchen down.

[Carmenere]

I don't have any books but I think that I would perhaps firstly come down on her like a ton of bricks regarding house work. Using the leverage of phone/computer/going out privileges. And wtf was NM thinking of offering to pay for virgin vie treats for the ungrateful little madam? She seems to have little concept of consequences to her behaviour.
Give her a hard time, if she complains tell her that you are pissed off with her and you would be much happier and she would have an easier time if you had no interference from her in how you choose to run your life.
It is a tough world out there and you are not doing her any favours by giving her an easy ride.

People don't like nasty, selfish girls who are cold and manipulating and don't help out at home.

[BeautifulBoysGalore]

doesnt the how to talk... book cover teens? or something by them... will look. hang on.

[BeautifulBoysGalore]

ok...so this is the teen version of the how to talk book, which lots of people swear by.

ive found the original book v useful.

dont have teens so dont know what to advise, sorry. but good luck!

[babyalfie]

oh thanks... well id did not take her to school this morning or should i say to the bus station. She decide because neither of us would take her then she would lay in bed. Well I have got home and she has gone so she must have walked down.

She does nothing and even asking her to listen to her brother read is too much of a problem. What sort of things do you think I should make her do around the house. I know she has lots of work with her A leverls etc and her 9-3 Saturady job but she evern expects me to pick her up and take her on a asturday and th me being the fool does that.

She does not go out too much but is always on her laptop so may decide to take this off her until she gives me respect. She tells me to fuck off adn everything and then end up retaliating and sear at hera soemthing I hate doing but she gets me so so stressed and last night was the final straw. I did tell her she had to do the dishwasher as she haS LEFT LOADS of pans and the mixer just piled up in the sink. I told her she had to clear the sink but she has not touched it.

Well thanks guys I apreciate your comments and help and if you think how I should move forward that would be fab.

[Carmenere]

God you really need to develop a backbone woman. When was the first time she told you to fuck off because mine would be wearing a print of my foot on their arse if they ever did. Teens are like toddlers, they need boundaries and your dd doesn't have any.
Calmly approach her and tell her that things are going to change. You must be steely and determined and totally calm. Go and take the battery and power cable from her lap top now. Tell her she can have it back when she cleans the kitchen, if she refuses, take her mobile, if she still refuses, ring her work and tell them that she can't work anymore. Well maybe not that extreme but you get the idea. It is your house, your rules, if she doesn't like it she can go and live with her dad.

[babyalfie]

okay will go get the laptop cable again. To be honest becuse my other daughter has been very ill in and out of hospital I got depressed and i started shouting at them and to be honest everything has been getting me down. The girls not helping me is one great issue. I am going to firm and going to issue jobs out and I am not going to be a mug. They both thisnk they can bring home anybody and sleep anyday and stay out to what ever time an dthen i end up going looking. IO realise I have been a bad mummy but like you say I have been not set and also you nmentioned boundries, I fully realise they need these and are going to make some rules and boundries and they are going to have to stick by.

I love my new man and he gives the girls so much respect but thinks they walk all over me and give me no respect back which they do not. My children have always been my life and will do anything for them bt guess I have done too much. I am also going to set some tasks for my little man to do so he does not get like them.

Thanks so much.. oh also she does not respect anything she is bought. My mother bought her a new carpet when i bought our new house and she insisted she wanted cream and within 6 weeks was ruined with mascarsa and foundation. We have now taken it up. I also bought her soem cheap furniture from ikea and and she has wrecked the draws in 2 mnths... oh i am so fed up!!!!

[BeautifulBoysGalore]

please buy and read the book. communication has broken down between you and your children and they are no doubt as unhappy as you are.

its true you need to be in control, respected and have boundaries lived within... but im sure they feel they have reasons for their behaviour and deserve to be listened to, as do you.