Do i go to the birthday meal??

[Ahousemadeofcheese]

A bit of background before I go on just to save any questions.

DP and I have been together for 5 years, he has one DC from a previous marriage, him and his exw divorced 7 years ago so I was not the OW. His DC is 9. Exw is still majorly hung up on him, hasn't moved on and just generally acts like they are still together. EXW mother is the same, still doesn't accept the marriage was over many years ago, still sends him Christmas and birthday cards with "to a wonderful son" on the front.
They were both incredibly nasty about me when me and DP met, made up lies about me, put me down, told him he was too good for me and that he could do much better and were just generally very vile and hateful towards me.

me and exw and exmil have never "met" or spoken but things get passed back from DP's DC and exmil is now warming to me and actually says nice things about me - exw does not and punishes their DC if he says nice things about me (by telling him she does NOT want to hear about how wonderful I am and please stop talking about me)

So anyway that's the back story.

It's my DP's DC's birthday coming up and we told his DC we would organise something nice for his birthday - just us 3, his DC was over the moon at this and said could we please go to this place local to us. So I went to book it to find out that the exmil had got wind of it and proceeded to book it there and then and pay for it...
This now means that she will be attending obviously.
DC has begged his dad to go which he will be going and has also begged me to go.The exw will also be there and I'm thinking of backing out and not going...

I suggested perhaps I don't go and that we could do our own little party on our own but DC isn't happy and wants me and his dad at this particular party.

I don't know if I can sit there at the same table as the exw and exmil and have a civilised meal, I don't see how I can after the nasty things she has said about me and obviously still hates me.
I can just about tolerate the exmil as she no longer says horrible things about me.

I just know its going to be a big show and the exw will start bringing up things about the past when they were married - my DP wont say anything as he wont want to upset his dc or cause a scene.
If I don't go it will be obvious I'm not going because exw will be there and ultimately she will have her way of a happy family reunion which is what she has always wanted.

What would YOU do in my situation? I know its not about me and its about his DC's birthday but I don't know what to do for the best...

[FaFoutis]

I wouldn't go.

[SundayGirl86]

I'd step out of any potential drama and book a meal for another night, just the three of you and let your DSS have a second birthday meal with the exw and exmil. Hopefully he can then enjoy both without his birthday being turned into some sort of game. Would that work?

[SundayGirl86]

Sorry, I've just seen your DSS wants you at that meal. I still wouldn't go and would still do something separately though.

[hoddtastic]

i'd go and kill them with kindness.

[PotteringAlong]

I'd go because you can't avoid them forever. Will you not go to his graduation? His wedding?

[Butterymuffin]

Yes, go and be super nice. As if you're acting in a play. Then DS is happy, your MIL will be on side and the ex doesn't get her wish to sabotage.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

The DSC wants you to go then yes I'd go.

If exW makes an issue then it says more about her than you.

[Ahousemadeofcheese]

Yes sunday girl that's exactly what I want to do - if DP wants to go along then fine - he's not doing it to spend time with her he's doing it for his DC - although I am secretly worried that this will become the norm thing from now on, whereby the birthday celebration will only happen once and will always be organised by exmil and exw and i'll never get to share it with his DC.

I have suggested going for a separate meal another day but DC doesn't want to and as it's so close to Christmas he isn't going to be around much as he will be visiting various relatives so Friday is the only time DP will see his DC until after xmas by which time the birthday will be well and truly over.

I'm one of these people that create scenario's and worry about them... DP and I are planning on trying for a baby next year so I'm wondering does this mean that he/she will never get to attend their big brother's birthday celebrations because there will only ever be one celebration and exw will always be there...

Maybe I'm over thinking it but I really don't want to go but also thinking I don't want to upset his DC because it will be really obvious why I'm not there - DP is rubbish at lying and exw will know I'm not really ill/busy and just not going because shes there.

Arghhhh!

[ChuckGravestones]

Please tell me what the secateurs are for or I won't sleep tonight

Did they tell you that she had booked it? How odd.

I'd have booked the place for an hour earlier under my name and let them get on with it. What she books is surely her beeswax.

[Bluntness100]

I'd go. Its time to try to draw a line under this and don't give acknowledgement to their poor behaviour, not going prolongs and acknowledges it. Don't disappoint his child, go sit beside your partner, be nice, grit your teeth if you have to, but just do it. They are adults and how they behave is up to them. You can control how you behave. So time for your big girl pants, sorry. You're part of this family and you should attend, 💐

[Ahousemadeofcheese]

Chuckgravestones - yeah pretty much - the exmil rang the next day to say "oh just to let you know DC mentioned that place he really wants to go to for his birthday so I've booked it for so and so time ok"

To which DP replied - ok let me know how much I owe you for it - subtle way of saying thanks for organising it but you're not going lol.

She said that she insisted on paying and can't wait to see his face light up when he walks in which i guess was her way of saying "I'm going"

DP feels sorry for her as she has no other grandchildren and loves to spoil him and really wants to be there - she is very annoying and interfering and I don't think she realises what she's actually doing half the time but generally she's harmless just a little too involved sometimes.

I could tolerate her just about but not the exw she's just still too hung up on him, like really hung up, it's too awkward.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Given the DSC wants you to go, I think you should go & be nice as pie. As a pp said, kill them with kindness. Show the ex that you won't be scared off.

[Evilstepmum01]

I've attended a few happy birthday parties of DSD and had to tolerate the exW sniffing around DH (at one party, every photo I took of DH had exw in it just looking at him!) ExMil still calls him 'son' too, but you've got to let some shit go!
Its not easy but its for the kid isnt it? I only tolerated these because I spoke to DH first and told him my fears. He was totally understanding, grateful I made the effort and backed me up when ExW said anything.
Couldnt have done it otherwise.
Speak to your DP, tell him your fears, your 'what ifs'...ie ex starts talking about the past with rose-tinted glasses on, organise yourself a coping strategy that DP can help you with.

It is possible. Avoid wine tho, loose lips and all!

[SheldonsSpot]

I think you should go, because they were your plans and the exes have gegged in on them. Be super nice, bite your tongue if you have to, it's only a couple of hours, right?

And like a PP said, what happens as the child gets older - will you miss school performances, 18th birthday, graduation, wedding, etc?

[Ahousemadeofcheese]

Thanks - don't worry there wont be any drinking involved (from my part) I haven't touched alcohol for years, cant bear the thought of it now!

But yes I have voiced my concerns about this and DP says look you just have to do what I do - let it go over your head - loosely translated means that if exw starts reminiscing or bringing things up to purposely annoy me then DP wont indulge but wont tell her to drop it/change subject either. He's always been this way with her which is why I think she is still so hung up on him because rather than be straight with her he will just avoid the situation somehow.
For example, she frequently calls round his place of work and points out things she thinks hes not using and asks if she can have it rather than go buy her own, ask someone else, she always goes to him first for anything at all, and rather than him saying look, this is inappropriate you calling round all the time and me being your first point of call he will just make an excuse as to why she cant have it "so and so wants to borrow it" for example - and she takes that to mean you could have had it, if it weren't for so and so so she doesn't give up the next time and ends up having whatever it is she asked for 2 weeks ago.

If she rings him and asks him to come round and fix x y z he will make an excuse rather than say ask someone else, this isn't appropriate etc.

He's the typical avoid confrontation, take the easy way out kind of bloke which in someways I can see why as it avoids rows and tantrums but on the other hand im thinking ffs and which is why I'm dreading this meal really.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Yes still go and be overly nice to them. Easier said than done though I know.

[Evilstepmum01]

Ah, then you have a DP problem. DH used to do this, go rushing round to help, she still called him about fixing her car instead of calling the boyfriend. Oh can I borrow this, can I borrow that, even asked him to guarantor a car for her!
NOOOO! Sorry OP, your DP needs to say no nicely and tell her to back off a bit. It took us getting married to stop exw tho she still tries occasionally.
I ended up in tears at DH because he was putting his EX first, not me. She told him he was letting their daughter down if he didnt help, but he realised she was manipulating her and things improved.
So unless your DP supports you, maybe its best if you dont go. If ExW started something and DP lets her be a bitch to you, its only going to cause arguments and stress between you two later.

[bluelilies]

I think I'd go.

Worth reminding yourself that they don't hate you - how can they when they've never met you? What they hate is your DP having split up with his ex, and you're in the way of any fantasy they might hold on you of getting back together. But it's not personal. They don't know you.

It's possible that meeting you could help them to move on and accept that things have changed. Could go wrong, but you've not a lot to lose

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

That is so annoying of the Ex and ExMIL! Honestly! We all only have one life, why don't we all just live our own and not try to stamp over other people.

Rant over.

I would either:

• Go and just be yourself. You don't have to be super nice. Just polite.
  
• DP not go, and neither of you go. Tell DSC that you really want to do something just the three of you this year, that you are sorry but then again, he'll have two celebrations. Most kids just want their parents But not necessarily all together looking phoney and fake.
  
• You both go, but you also do something separately with DSC and then say that next year you'd like to do something just the three of you, then make sure you don't tell anyone where - say it is a surprise for DSC.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

P.s. I have had ExW try to organise a birthday meal in MY house!! We do not get on!

[Evilstepmum01]

Bananas, I had that as well. ExW: Of course we'll have DSD's party at OUR house (DH threw her out after he caught her and boyfriend shagging, 3 years before I moved in)
Me: I'm sorry, OUR home isnt suitable.
Lovely smile.

She cried. I shrugged. We moved.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Evil that is so funny you had the same! Well, funny in retrospect. At the time I just thought 'What kind of weird relationship triangle is this?!'

The shocking thing was how angry ExW became when DP finally had the balls to stand up and say to her 'No sorry, not in me and Bananas house - if DSD wants it at our house then we'll organise it'. She went ballistic and screamed at home AT WORK! I thought I'd gone to sleep and woken up on the Jeremy Kyle show.

OP it can get better. But do stand up for yourself and give yourself a LOT of TLC, you are doing well and your DP and your DSC will benefit if you can stand your course. Good luck.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

At him.... not home...

[Evilstepmum01]

Bananas, it takes my breath away, her entitled attitude!

It is a bit fucked up, the whole you-DH-Dh's ExW thing. they have history and kids. in-jokes, stories about the time when. Fuck off with that shit.
She's in the past for a reason, we're living in the present!

OP, I hope you can talk to your DP and i hope he listens to how you feel. It nearly broke us, him putting her first. I hope you can work it out and the meal may not be so bad!

Always remember to be civilised and vote with your feet if you cant cope. Its ok to look after your feelings!