If you don't want to know don't ask?

(43 Posts)
HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 20:40:00

Lot of background to this post, which I won't go into. Suffice it to say we are under a lot of pressure as a couple since ex's DP decided to go abroad to work and 'leave' the DSC with us.

Their teenage behaviour causes us a lot of stress, and with an alternate week with them we were just about able to recover some equilibrium. Now they stay with us full time, originally I thought ex's DP would be home every other weekend for three nights but it turns out it will be two nights and it will be whenever the ex decides to come home and with a day or twos notice.

So trying to arrange our own life is difficult, and we're at odds a lot of the time over behaviour as ex's DP prefers to behave like a teenager too.

DP to be fair just want what's best for the kids, which we both do just I don't think they should be jerked about so much. And confrontation with the ex achieves nothing

I know I shouldn't have checked, but because plans this weekend changed at the last minute and DP seemed very evasive about telling the ex this wasn't good enough I peeked at their phone.

What I found was a text that included amongst the usual feeble excuses 'I still love you very much and I hope etc etc' the hope being something that is never going to happen.

There's no reply from DP to say this is an inappropriate form of communication in relation to the kids.

We've had numerous arguments over the years about the perceived relationship DP's ex seems to think they have, I'm always told theres nothing DP can do about it.

I am in no doubt that this is inappropriate, question is do I just have to live with it because I spied, or do I come clean and admit I spied?

franincisco Sat 26-Nov-16 21:05:19

Wow, this is very inappropriate. What is their background? Who initiated the split?

Anyway, I would tell him that you somehow saw it and you are not happy at all. I am all about stability for the kids (whilst being flexible), but her arrangement very much seems to be counterproductive to that.

Sorry OP but I think your DP needs to be perfectly honest with you. I would be very tempted to go through all of the messages For the sake of the children your DP needs to organize a rough idea of when the DM will be having contact.

franincisco Sat 26-Nov-16 21:06:52

Sorry forgot to add that your DP sounds spineless, of course he can do something about it! Are you sure he doesn't share in her hopes?

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 21:11:30

They split over 8 years ago, but since then ex has repeatedly decided to absolve themselves of responsibility on the grounds that there is another parent who will pick up the pieces for the sake of the kids.

Impossible fight to have really.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 21:14:25

So the travelling parent was the RP but now your DP is the RP?

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 21:19:40

No it was always 50/50 week about, though it adapted to suit the ex whenever which was fine because of the kids.

And the argument has always been why DP is continuing to excuse this type language wrapped up as an apology or excuse for the ex's behaviour.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 21:24:27

Ok. But your DP is now the RP with respect to child benefit, getting maintenance etc, right?

I think you will have to work on the basis that the kids now live with you and the ex is the NRP; no more weekly breaks.

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 21:30:16

Nope, CB was stopped because ex challenged it and it's a never ending saga trying to resolve it.

No maintenance either so that's another issue.

But the pressure point is the ability ex has to stress our relationship, and I feel that's because of the perceived relationship they still have with DP, which do is not doing anything to correct.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 21:39:05

Hmmm. Has your DP accepted that they are now the RP and should be working on a schedule etc that helps kids best, around their father/mother's time in the country?

Does ex still have a place here?

Owllady Sat 26-Nov-16 21:46:32

What do you want?
I think it's fine to moan as everyone wants to know what is going to happen day to day.
But he is their dad and you have to accept they live with you now. The mother appears to have been quite clear really.
Apply for child benefit etc. They live with you

Owllady Sat 26-Nov-16 21:48:01

I'm sorry you feel it puts stress on your relationship but having children does (even if they are your own esp teens)

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 21:51:24

"DP seemed very evasive about telling the ex it wasn't good enough"

I appreciate there is a lot of back story. But the kids have had a huge change; is your DP just trying hard to make sure that the ex sees them as much as possible and not wanting to risk arguments right now?

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 21:55:47

In case it's not obviously clear, my question is NOT around the care for the children , that will always come first.

It's about the perceived relationship the ex has and whether now I know about it I should start the argument that we are either a cpl caring for the kids, or DP is the surrogate partner of ex and I am the housekeeper to their kids.

This is not so much about step parenting as it is the relationship between step parents and how an ex can intrude on that.

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 22:01:54

Executioner

I'm not sure whether I'm getting the message across, the kids know what's going on, ex's failings etc but still love their parent and I wouldn't stop that.

The issue is about this prolonged marital relationship ex seems to believe in that they can turn to their advantage whenever they want.

And the damage that dies to mine and DP's relationship is just tough.

And DP not separating parental life as divorced parents from their marital relationship.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:03:00

What is it you want your DP to tell her ex?

Ignoring a text like the one you saw is not necessarily a bad strategy. You would have wanted to see a "leave me alone" text? She might think that could cause more aggro.

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 22:10:36

How about, that's not appropriate. If you can't keep your communication relevant to the children then dont bother.

Quit the photos, the random thoughts about how your feeling, your plans for the future that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILDREN but ate just being shared in a weird pseudo marital relationship.

Why is it acceptable for an ex to constantly send updates and photos on their life when the children don't feature, why does DP have to accept that as the price of separation?

We are doing a great job with the kids, reassuring them ex cares about them, but they are old enough to smell the coffee.

I don't see why I should have to live in a relationship where I care for ex's kids as best I can at the same time ex and DP are carrying on commjcating like a married couple.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:13:24

Does your DP act similarly by way of sending pics etc of her life irrespective of kids? Or is she just not pushing back when he does it?

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:15:00

And do you know she didn't call, or say at a handover, "look, don't text me like that"?

Owllady Sat 26-Nov-16 22:30:17

Could you both go to counselling?
It isn't acceptable, you are right

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 22:31:58

Yes I do know DP didn't say that, because handover occurs whenever X decides to turn up. And that usually involves kids either running out the house without notice, or appearing whenever it's convenient for ex to drop off.

No communication necessary there.

But at random intervals during the week, even daily, it's necessary for ex to be in contact constantly, by text or phone. And no there are no special reasons re education or welfare, ex could just phone the kids.

Dipping in to back story, the concern is because ex used to stalk DP, at one point running us off the road.

How long do we let this continue?

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:33:15

Oh gosh sad

Did you ever get the police involved? Do you think she is placating him by not responding, out of fear?

HesNotAMessiah Sat 26-Nov-16 22:39:36

Yes there is a conviction for assault against me, but we thought we had moved on to a less personal, kids based planet. Maintenance payments we waived to avoid argument.

The excuse on DP's side is ex won't change. I kinda wonder where you have to be emotionally to keep this up for 8 years without believing it will reap results.

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:40:00

"The issue is about this prolonged marital relationship ex seems to believe in that they can turn to their advantage whenever they want."

Other than being crap on contact (which is terrible), what do you see as the "advantage" ex is seeking? I'm guessing your DP picks up the slack for the sake of the kids, not the ex?

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:41:02

Ok.

Is the ex in another relationship now?

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 22:42:52

And your DP is probably right that he won't change. And you are probably right about this meaning he is in a bad place.

But then... aren't you just disagreeing on approach - hers is to not react to his messages and dicking about, you would like her to be more forthright?

I guess the stalking ended with you assaulting the ex?

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