Xmas present

(25 Posts)
Arlowthegooddinosaur Sat 19-Nov-16 18:19:53

I have nc for this as don't want linked to anything else.

I am really pissed of with dh. We've been together 5 years and have a 2 yo ds together and 2dsc.

Last year I bought all ds presents which I didn't mind as only 1 and didn't get that much but this year I've been buying all the presents again and asked dh to chip in as getting more expensive and I dint see why I should pay for all his presents myself.

He spends 300 each on his dc (10 and 15 ) and nothing on ds because I get them. My argument is that one we are not well off and spending 600 on dsc is ridiculous. They get presents from their mum as well so not like he's the only one buying presents. Secondly why should I burden all the cost. Surely it's fairer for us both to contribute.

He says that I don't buy dsc presents and I don't because frankly 600 is enough and I have had to pay everything for ds.

Seems odd that it annoys him I don't pay for dsc but it's OK to pay nothing for ds!

We've had another argument today and now I need prospective from others

Patriciathestripper1 Sat 19-Nov-16 18:29:21

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable But Ask him for a contribution towards Ds presents say 150 so that all children have same amount spent on them, then when you have bought what you feel he should have, put any left over money in Ds bank account. TBH your Dh probably spends so much because he dosnt have the day to day financial burden of his other 2 dc so likes to get them something nice. And they are older so prezzies are more expensive.

Arlowthegooddinosaur Sat 19-Nov-16 18:38:44

I don't want to spend 300 on ds it's not about them having them same amount spent, it's him not spending anything on him at all.

He does bare financial burden fir them during the year pays csa plus oats half of travel, school trips, uniforms etc. Plus obviously they stay with us, we pay for their clothes and dh pays their monthly pocket money.

I understand older children are more expensive but 300 is excessive particularly when we don't have a lot of money left over at end of the month.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 20:41:15

I would be having a chat and saying you want to have equal amounts spend on all three and he needs to rethink his budget to include your DS that he is as much his son as the other two and he isn't treating them fairly.

casper90 Sat 19-Nov-16 23:09:18

That doesn't seem fair to me, course he should be contributing, yes ages makes a difference as presents do get more expensive as they get older, but he does need to contribute to all his children, I have 2 teen dsc and buy them bits but he pays for their main presents, as ds who is only 9 months we won't spend the same on ds as it's not necessary but i would be fuming if he expected me to pay for all presents, yanbu especially as what he spends seems excessive to me!

swingofthings Sun 20-Nov-16 07:39:54

I think you are unreasonable to. It sounds like you are getting a very good deal by getting the present for a two year old whilst he gets presents for his older kids. At two, your son will still hardly understand the concept of Christmas.

It sounds like you are harbouring some feelings of resentment towards how much your OH spends on his kids. I would be really careful how you go about sharing your feelings as indeed, your OH could also consider that you are being unreasonable.

How would you feel if he said that he would contribute towards your son's presents, but then he would consider it reasonable that contribute something towards your SC?

Whitechester Sun 20-Nov-16 08:12:19

I have said to my oh that this year Each child needs to have the same amount spent - so my DD and his 2. It's agreed that I pay for my DD and he pays for his. He does have a habit of going OTT with stuff they don't need, so I do try to input on what he buys.

We do have a child on the way and I would say it again that each child would have Same spent, but perhaps baby has theirs put in to a savings account and some small gifts wrapped.

Arlowthegooddinosaur Sun 20-Nov-16 09:55:11

I do have a problem with the amount he spends as we don't have a lot of money and 600 on presents is excessive but he knows this.

It is our ds together, he is his father so why is it unreasonable to expect him to help cover the cost of his presents? Why should it mean I contribute towards his dsc presents, their mum also gets a load of presents for them

Underthemoonlight Sun 20-Nov-16 10:09:34

I do disagree with swing ops DS is just as equal in terms of the other two so he should have the same amount but that both op and her dp contribute to all DCS presents but on the basis that there is budget and it is set so they don't end up struggling because her dp has over spent.

Maybe83 Sun 20-Nov-16 12:32:49

We have a 14 year old and a 19 year each plus a 3 year old. No way is the 3 yr old getting the same amount spent on her as the teens. Her presents are cheaper and she ll get more presents for the money spent than the teens. Just as when she is a teen she ll have more spent on her than the teens who will by that stage be independent adults.

She will have roughly what the other two got at her age which is relevant.

We don't have split finances so really all money spent on any of the children is ours.

From your posts it seems you do have split finances if so agree a present budget for the children and spilt it relatively so all presents are from both of you.

swingofthings Sun 20-Nov-16 13:43:11

I think it totally ridiculous that the same amount should be spent on a 2 yo than a 15yo, regardless of the family situation. I certainly spent a lot less on my two when they were that age than now they are teenagers.

Buying Christmas presents is about making them happy regardless of the amount spent and two years old are often as happy, if not more with things that cost £10. A teenager will most likely want something like a laptop.

Your comment about what they receive at their mum and that you don't think you should contribute towards them does hint that you might be resentful of what your SC have which I find very sad.

What is fair in terms of budget very much depends on the family budget and what OP and their OH spend for themselves. Maybe he likes to spend more on his children for Christmas but spends less on them the rest of the year. I buy my two children all their presents with my own disposable income, but always say the presents are from both of us. He will however be the one to spend his disposable income on improvements on the house.

Underthemoonlight Sun 20-Nov-16 14:54:38

It's not how I've done things. I've grown up where we get a set amount and regardless of number of presents we all get the same spent. My DS 8 and is wanting a laptop, he understands that it's an expensive item and he will only have so much left over but he rather have something hel use than stuff he won't to make it look more. I wouldn't consider giving DD or DS less to give DS more so it looks more on Christmas Day....I teach him that as you get older things become expensive and it's not the amount of gifts you get at Christmas but the thought that counts plus when he was the only child he got the most why should it carry on because he was born first.

Arlowthegooddinosaur Sun 20-Nov-16 15:31:53

I'm not resentful in what they get my point about their mum was that they get a set of presents from their mum and a set from their dad whereas our ds gets one lot from me which I obviously say is from both of us but I struggle to buy a lot as I can't afford to spend loads.

Our finances are split and it works usually except with present buying.

I wouldn't mind so much agreeing a budget and paying half each for all but he won't spend less and I don't have 300 plus to put towards half. The budget would have to come massively down for the older two and he wouldn't do that

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 20-Nov-16 15:50:46

If they were full siblings and 600 was the total present budget, then a "normal" dad would have split it 250/250/100 or similar with it being 200/200/200 in a couple of years or so. 600 is not outrageous if you can afford it and you need to upgrade a gadget like a laptop.
The present budget should be for all the kids and agreed by the two of you.

swingofthings Sun 20-Nov-16 16:08:53

I teach him that as you get older things become expensive and it's not the amount of gifts you get at Christmas but the thought that counts
Exactly, so the actual value doesn't matter at all. A 2 year old can't appreciate that you've spent £300 on him rather than £3.00, so why do it?

I struggle to buy a lot as I can't afford to spend loads
That's what I can't understand. I think I am repeating myself, but I cannot imagine spending £300 on a 2 yo. That would a massive amount of toys, whereas it would only be one acceptable age related present for a 15yo, ie. laptop, tablet, xbox etc... More importantly, the 10 and 15yo will be able to appreciate the value of the money spent.

How much are you intending to spend on your DS?

teenyrabbit Sun 20-Nov-16 16:19:03

Basically ops DH has three children but only wants to pay for two of them. But that's ok because ops child has a mother to pay for his presents...

Oh wait, but do do Dhs children. But he's not expecting their mother to toot the bill for presents is he? No.

To be honest op I'd let him get on with it, let him spend all his money on ott presents, but make sure bills etc are paid first, then when he comes crying t you that he's skint, I'd be telling him tough shit.

I think a lot of you are missing the point, it's not about the kids having the same spent on them it's dh dismissing buying presents for his child, because he has two more important children to buy love from to buy for.

Op hasn't good s good deal, because she's got one child, who she obviously will buy for. Dh has three, so surely he should be buying for all three.

Or they should have a budget for all three and pay half each. But as she's said her dh won't do that because he wants to spend a fortune on two of his kids and op (sensibly) doesn't.

Maybe83 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:27:05

Why is it sensible it depends totally on what they are getting. 300 for teenagers isn't an astronomical amount we are probably spending more including clothes etc.

He should be paying towards joint child's present's but that amount doesnt have to be equal to what the older children get.

If you have separate finances and don't contribute to his children present or even get them a token present then imo he can spend what he wants out of his disposable income on them with little input from you.

How do you fund the rest of your lo 's clothes etc? If this is an ongoing thing I would set up a bank account were you both transfer money into to cover clothes birthday 's, Christmas etc to stop this from happening in the future and causing further resentment.

Underthemoonlight Sun 20-Nov-16 17:29:57

Your post is contradictory tho swing because if the value doesn't matter why are you insisted the eldest two get more simply to their age? In the scheme of fairness and trying to make all three equal surely that means spending the same amount not more on the eldest simply because they were born first? Makes zero sense.

Underthemoonlight Sun 20-Nov-16 17:32:59

Op DH clearly putting his eldest two above the family by one having seperate funds in the household pot and expecting op to budget for their DS. They aren't being treated the same and therefore a budget should be made to incooperate all three of DH DC.

Arlowthegooddinosaur Sun 20-Nov-16 18:06:49

That's what I am getting at why is it OK to only buy presents for 2 of his 3 children? I'll probably spend about 50 on ds who is little and doesn't need much but the plastic tat he wants is expensive so he ends up with 2 proper presents and odds and sods from pound shop etc. I can't afford to spend more and I think it's only right that his dad should contribute and help.

I tend to buy his clothes because dh buys clothes for the older two. He does pay for everything else in home and enyetwinment wise half and half

Arlowthegooddinosaur Sun 20-Nov-16 18:08:02

Sorry last bit made no sense, he pays for half of everything else in home and entertainment

Maybe83 Sun 20-Nov-16 19:37:26

Well then your child's expenses go into the shared pot of funds.

You shouldn't be solely funding your joint child. This is why we have joint finances. I couldn't be doing with yours, mine ours child expeneses carry on.

Also as it's all our money it means we both have a say on what's it's spent on and everything is from us. It reduces potential for conflict I think.

twattymctwatterson Sat 26-Nov-16 00:23:30

I agree that you should be joint funding your youngest but £300 each really isn't a lot to be spending on the older DC for Xmas and it does sound a bit like you resent them. Honestly getting 'double presents' at Xmas really doesn't make up for your parents not being together. It's a difficult one because having split finances puts him at a real disadvantage. You have one DC but he has three. Presumably you aren't happy to shoulder any of the cost of your DsC's gifts which means you would only be paying for part of the cost of one DC whilst he is paying for all of his two and part of your shared DC. It doesn't really sound like you are a team

swingofthings Sat 26-Nov-16 08:29:15

Your post is contradictory tho swing because if the value doesn't matter why are you insisted the eldest two get more simply to their age? In the scheme of fairness and trying to make all three equal surely that means spending the same amount not more on the eldest simply because they were born first?
I don't think it is contradictory. To me, the actual value is not what matter, what matters is that all three kids are equally happy on the day. In most cases, what will make a 2 yo over the moon is going to be a lot cheaper than what gets a 16 yo happy.

The simple example is when my DS was 4, what he wanted more than anything was a pyjamas with Thomas the Tank on it. I found one at the supermarket for something like £10.00. Now at 14, what he wants his his football team shirt. As he now wears adult size, it will cost over £40. That £40 shirt will not make him happier than the pyjamas did 10 years ago, it just that what makes him equally happy is more expensive at his age.

As a whole, I would say that what £300 is worth in happiness to my son now was probably about £30 when he was 2 yo.

swingofthings Sat 26-Nov-16 08:34:31

One thought coming to mind, will your SC get something to your DS? Because my kids will get more presents in terms of value (and probably quantity) than their 5yo step-sister because of the set up with the family BUT the first present they bought themselves was for her because they like to spoil her. They won't get that in return but they don't care, they will get great pleasure in making her happy.

Being happy is not always getting exactly the same than everyone else, some gestures mean a lot more than how much you spend on a present.

ps: I have absolutely no idea what my engagement ring cost. It's gorgeous and I love it and whether it was £5,000 or £50 would make no difference. What touched me is that OH got me the exact ring I would have picked myself, despite the fact we never once looked at rings together.

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