At the end of my tether and feel like just going and leaving them all to it....

(21 Posts)
stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 13:39:13

i have two DSD 19 and 17, plus one of my own with DP - DSD are DP's children from previous relationship.

As a general rule i have a good relationship with both DSD. The 17 year old is at that age where independence is needed and wanted etc. The 17 year old lives with myself and DP as she does not get on her with DM husband.

its all going well until last week she snuck out of the house at 11.00pm - i heard her going as i was up reading my book. went downstairs looking for her, so text her and asked where she was. she said she was out etc etc, she came in to tell us but we were both asleep. i replied that i was still awake as i was reading my book, she said sorry assumed you were both asleep. told her this wasn't on and she should not have sneaked out and that her father will have a word with her [tomorrow].

anyway i text her in the morning and said that as she has no school she can can sort her room out (its a pig sty in there) and we will forget about last night but she does not sneak out again - we need to know (roughly) where she is so we know she is safe, and i added that we never have nor will we ever stop her living her life going out.

anyway, this has now turned around on me after DP had a word with her with DSD saying that i had no right to tell her off etc etc, it should have been her mum or dad. now every text i sent to her that night and following day was done with full support of DP.

i can see where she is coming from and i understand that, but the fact is she lied to me, and i am not going running to DP telling tales to sort it out.

Anyway, he hasn't backed me up, said he can see where DSD is coming from and now i feel like a total outsider in my own home. i have not seen her since this happened due to work, DSD school and working and what have you.

Usually in the mornings when i am up and about getting myself and DD ready for work DP always asks me to give DSD a shout to get up for school...has not done this since, all messages from DSD have come through DP.

for the last 10 years i have done practically everything for the two DSD's, as mum is ALWAYS working. DSD is happy to take money off me to go out, happy to eat the food i cook for, happy for me to wash, dry and iron all her clothes, clean up after her...but, apparently i cannot tell her when she has overstepped the line!

i am so upset and just feel like moving out with my DD and leaving them to it - i feel like it is very much me against them.

When me and DP first got together DSD told her nan that she wasn't happy about it and didn't want her dad to meet anyone, she wanted him to herself - i feel like she is finally about to get her wish!

sorry for the long post, just needed to vent smile x

stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:50:24

bump

OohhThatsMe Mon 14-Nov-16 14:57:18

Do you and your partner share bank accounts? If not she wouldn't be getting another penny off me!

I would have woken him up to tell him she'd gone out, I think.

Can you afford to move out? Whose house was it originally?

stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 15:14:48

yes we share bank accounts - house was his originally, although i have lived there with him for 12 years, and everything is paid for equally - we have a 6yr old daughter between us also.

it would be a struggle, but yes i could move if needs be

i did wake him to tell him - like i said everything i text her was done with him by the side of me and checking with him first....

swingofthings Mon 14-Nov-16 15:28:24

The mistake is with your DP. She knows she was in the wrong sneaking out and so tried to shift the guilt by accusing you of something and your DP fell right for it.

Even if there is a case for him telling her off (the rule in our household is that I do the telling off so DP would tell me if he caught them doing something they shouldn't), he should have back you off on this instance by making it clear that the issue was her lying, whether it was to you or him.

Don't let this get to you, though, just ask your OH cheekily if next time you should just turn an eye or wake him up.

ps: My DD who is turning 17 next month would be in big trouble if she sneaked out of the night and whether it was OH or I telling her off for it would make no difference, she would still be grounded.

stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 15:41:41

thank you swingofthings - i think she should be grounded also for lying and sneaking out, but nope, DP thinks she's been upset enough by being told off by me - says it all really!

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 14-Nov-16 17:07:44

I'm very lucky that my DSD is pretty well behaved for a teenager.

However, I'm pretty sure like every SM I've had the "you can't tell me what to do, your not my Mum" line (thankfully only twice).

I think it's the rant of the last resort. It's only ever thrown out there when DH isn't there and when TBH she knows she's in the wrong.

I think it's "normal" to trot this out TBH. It's your DH's reaction that's wrong here.

My response to DSD was "no, I'm not your mum. I do however own this house and the rules of family behaviour within it are agreed jointly between me and your father. If I was telling you to do something contrary to those rules you may have a point, but you know I'm not. So Mum or not you need to do as I am asking."

That worked because I know DH would agree with me - and more importantly so does DSD.

By not backing you up your DH has really messed up big time. Not just in disrespecting you, but also by creating uncertainty of expectations and a poor example for his DD about families and mutual respect.

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 14-Nov-16 17:10:51

Oh and if we caught DSD sneaking out she'd be grounded and far more importantly have the wifi password withheld wink

AcrossthePond55 Mon 14-Nov-16 17:20:00

Is this the first time that DH hasn't backed you up or is this just one of many?

The reason I ask is because if it's the first time I think leaving may be a bit of an overreaction. Talking to DH may help him understand why he needs to back you up. But if this is just one of a string of things where you've been undermined or DH is taking an absolute line that DSD doesn't need to listen to you, then I would give separating a serious think. It isn't fair that you have no say in what happens in your own home and it sets an example for your (mutual) daughter that Mummy doesn't need to be obeyed. After all, if Big Sis doesn't have to mind Mummy, why should she?

stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 17:21:05

I think tbh this is what has hurt/upset me the most. He has not backed me up, he has agreed with me to my face, but he has not voiced this to DSD. The issue (in their eyes) is not that she sneaked out and lied to me about it, but that i dared to pull her up on it.

The fact is i was not even horrible in my text messages, i was very nice and polite, but just told her that basically this wasn't on and she has tell to us where she is so we know she is safe.

i just feel that she has manipulated this situation, DP has fallen for it, and i am now the bad guy who done something very horrible and wrong!

stressedbeyond123 Mon 14-Nov-16 17:24:30

Acrossthepond, this has happened before and i think this is why this feels like the final straw for me.

Older DSD has issues (on a different thread), i seem to be the only one who wants to do something about it, but i can't because i am not her parent.

its getting frustrating and i've just about had enough!

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 14-Nov-16 18:50:47

I think you really need to sit down and lay it out with your DH.

Blended families take a lot of work, but at the heart of that has to be mutual respect.

If you and DH aren't aligned then the situation it untenable.

As a PP said, it's not just about DSD - it's about the example it sets to your DD and "your" ability to assert yourself in the house as a responsible adult - mum or not.

This is actually a good example to pick up on, because as you have put it yourself it's had the worst possible outcome here of some very bad behaviour being deflected into you.

Sneaking out of the house at night is a very serious breech of trust and DSD has got away with it. What lesson has been learned here? It's actually very shitty parenting from your DH aside from being a shitty thing as a husband.

stressedbeyond123 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:34:38

well a turn up for the books last night....

DD was in bed, DSD came down when i was sorting stuff out for today and apologised for sneaking out and what she said afterwards. she said that she didn't like being told off by me, but understood why i did it and would work on being more considerable in future.

i had a chat with DH when he came home and told what had been said and basically told him that he needs to start backing me up, i am not being a mean step-mum, i am caring for them like i would my own daughter and if feels that he can't do that then we don't have a future as a family x

swingofthings Tue 15-Nov-16 10:02:07

I suspect he did back you up when talking to her, but did it in a way that she would be receptive to it, and it did work since she acknowledged she was wrong and apologised. He probably worried that if he backed you up fully in front of you, it could have had the opposite outcome and indeed, he might have been right.

In the end, surely what matters is that she did apologise, assuming that it came across as genuine, in the same way you would have expected her to do with to her parents? Teenagers give parents their white hair, but I do think it is important to move on from their failures.

stressedbeyond123 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:16:26

well as far as i a concerned its over and done with now, i am not going to keep bringing it up with her and harping on about. i believe the apology was genuine and she said she could see that she has caused upset between me and her dad which is the last thing she wanted.....

i'm still cross with him and i do think he needs to back me up more, but that's between us two and something we need to work on....thank you everyone x

facebookrecruit Tue 15-Nov-16 11:42:44

I have a teenage dsd however I'm slightly different in the fact that her bio mother went nc with her so she calls me mum. But even beforehand whenever the 'youre not my mum' line was pulled my DH immediately came back with 'she is my wife and your step mum and you will respect her and do as your damn well told'
Your DH needs to man up and do the right thing, he's doing his DD no favours allowing her to behave this way

EatsShitAndLeaves Tue 15-Nov-16 14:08:33

That's good news about DSD smile

WRT to your DH I think you need to stand your ground and make sure he realises it isn't just about his relationship with DSD, but the dynamics of the whole family.

I agree if he can't understand and act on that, then it's not really a family at all.

stressedbeyond123 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:25:18

I've told him if he can't back me up and stand up for me, then i can't see a future for us as a family. i know and respect that i am not DSD's mother, but he has to know and respect that i am still raising them like i am my own child and doing everything them for them. they don't get to cherry pick the best bits of having a step-mum, the bad comes with the good sometimes x

LadyAEIOU Tue 15-Nov-16 15:46:05

they don't get to cherry pick the best bits of having a step-mum

Absolutely 100%. Have told my DH this too. How can I treat our DD the same as his DS if I don't do the "boring" bits with DSS?

AcrossthePond55 Tue 15-Nov-16 17:12:33

I'm glad she's apologized, hopefully she's truly remorseful and has learnt a lesson.

And you are 100% right in what you said to your DH. If you think about it, if DSD came to my house and I asked her not to do something, I think that your DH would expect her to 'obey' me. Why should he feel that his wife (and DSD's stepmum) is deserving of less respect?

swingofthings Wed 16-Nov-16 10:33:26

teenagers, whether you gave birth to them or not, they are a pain in the bum!! I'm sure it's all worth it though when they turn into considerate adults!

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