Partner's child is bullying my child

(65 Posts)
Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 07:03:35

Hi, I'm new here and actually joined to try and get some advice.
I have been with a wonderful man for the last 18 months, we're very much in love and both feel as if we've finally met "the one".
I have 2 children from a previous relationship 2 & 6 years old, and he does also 7 & 11 years old.
We took things slow initially and over the summer spent more time all together with our children.
My issue is his 7 yr old is being very very unpleasant to my 6 yr old and I'm not sure about how to tackle it?
My bf and his ex split when the youngest was only 1 and her mum has a long term bf who now lives with them - but he doesn't have any children so I'm assuming that's what 7 year old's issue is with my daughter.
His kids live just up the road from him and although he works long hours he sees them very regularly and is a wonderful devoted dad, he dotes on his girls and gives them lots of love and affection.
Both children have very different manners to what I'm used to and are aggressive with their language, and often very rude to adults. 11yr old I seem to be able to handle quite well and we've developed a nice friendship and she enjoys spending time with us.
7 yr old just keeps picking on my 6 yr old. It's not just the normal "doesn't want to play with her" sort, she's very verbally abusive and she's sly about it, I hear her quietly telling my daughter she isn't as pretty as her or that her clothes aren't nice.
My little girl isn't used to this, she gets along with everybody and is very kind and sensitive to other people's emotions. I've talked to my 6 yr old about it as it's breaking her heart and it's getting to the point where she doesn't want to be around the 7 yr old anymore sad
Most of the time when my partner has his kids I'll stay away so they have plenty of alone time together but there are occasions and parties that sometimes we have been invited to together with the children.
We don't live together and because of his long working hours in the week if we don't see each other at the weekends then we wouldn't see each other at all - and he has his girls most weekends.
My bf admits his 7 yr old is a bully and I know it upsets him but he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it?
My question is - what can be done?
Or do I take a heartbreak and walk away because of the sadness it's causing my little girl?

NewIdeasToday Mon 14-Nov-16 07:14:16

I'd be really worried about the damage that would do to my own child. Particularly at home - as there's no escape. Sad situation.

eyebrowsonfleek Mon 14-Nov-16 07:25:35

You can't do anything other than protect your 6 year old. If your partner wont do anything then theres nothing else that you can. A jealous/insecure 7 year old isn't going to listen to a non-parent.

HuckfromScandal Mon 14-Nov-16 07:28:58

You walk away if your partner will not step up.
Becisse if you don't you are telling your daughter that her feelings are nit important.

If he really thinks you are "the one" and he recognises his daughter behaves in an unacceptable way, he does something.

WalterWhitesNipple Mon 14-Nov-16 07:29:00

The fact my partner would allow this would be a massive deal breaker for me. You either need to have a serious talk with him about dealing with his child's behaviour or Ditch him.

hesterton Mon 14-Nov-16 07:31:49

Walter is right. You can't ignore this, and if he does nothing in spite of you telling him how much it is upsetting your girl, well, that's a big old red flag.

Mummyamy123 Mon 14-Nov-16 07:36:12

Unfortunately your kids have to come before this relationship. Your 6 year old can't choose to walk away so you have to do it for her. I'm so sorry OP

JustSpeakSense Mon 14-Nov-16 07:37:05

You need a serious talk to your DP he needs to get on board and sort this out. Teaching the 7 year old not to bully and to be a better friend will help her in the long run (she will be losing friends at school too because if this behaviour)

I would give it a short while to see if her behaviour improves but if not, obviously your daughters well being must come first. You will have to leave and get her out of this situation.

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 07:37:30

We have talked about it and it breaks his heart, a lot of the issue lies with their mum. He tried to talk to mum about it after she cut up one of my bras (accidentally left at his house after we'd had a night out together) and we also found out that his 7 yr old tried to push my daughter down the stairs. Mum couldn't have been less interested and said "it's a personality clash, she's sick of being blamed for everything and my daughter getting away with it"... but the truth is his daughter is the one being mean confused She's mean to lots of kids not just mine, I just think that's her personality?
It's so upsetting because my partner is such a lovely man - maybe a bit too soft with his kids where I would be firmer with discipline, but not a bad father at all.
I think it was very telling that we both had separate conversations with our girls to see if we could resolve it and his 7yr old said "She's so annoying I hate her" and my daughter cried and said "Mummy I try to be her friend but she won't be nice to me, I would love to be friends with her but she hates me"
It broke my heart sad

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 07:38:02

7yr old cut up my bra... not his ex grin

timelytess Mon 14-Nov-16 07:40:32

Put your daughter first. Stop contact with the man's children, and if necessary, with the man also.

rollonthesummer Mon 14-Nov-16 07:43:50

I really would stop contact with this man now-you just can't do this to your own child, she has to come first.

RaeSkywalker Mon 14-Nov-16 07:44:15

I think you need to walk away OP. Sorry.

Underthemoonlight Mon 14-Nov-16 07:48:27

If you're dp isn't going to handle the situation it will only escalate further I would consider leaving this relationship

DragonRojo Mon 14-Nov-16 07:50:17

You need to stop seeing him when he has his children. It's the only fair thing on your poor daughter.

Graceflorrick Mon 14-Nov-16 07:51:00

Personally I'd walk away. The health and wellbeing of my DC is more important to me than being in a relationship.

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 07:52:44

I think I've been hoping it will all calm down and they'll get used to being in each other's company.
I've spent so many nights looking for advice online - apparently it's really common when trying to blend families (it doesn't make it right).
We've backed off majorly and I'm actually avoiding his kids at the moment.
I will have a long talk with my partner this week and I will need his reassurance that he is going to tackle it. I'm not having my baby upset anymore.
I sat and thought about it last night - I've been telling my daughter to just ignore it and walk away, but I feel like by saying that I'm teaching her to be passive! If it was any other kid picking on her I would be encouraging her to stand up for herself and defend herself.
I don't want her growing up feeling unimportant or like it's ok to be down trodden. It's not ok, she's an amazing little girl with an incredibly kind heart and I want to protect her.

Underthemoonlight Mon 14-Nov-16 07:53:18

I sounds like the little girl isn't happy her DF has a new partner 18 months isn't along time when did you first meet? Are you always there every weekend? Is she not getting enough quality time with her dad. I think she's got a problem with you and is lashing at your DD as a way of getting back. I don't think it's down to her mother as its occurring when DF has her. Her dad needs to sit down reassure her but explain that the of behaviour will not be tolerated.

Underthemoonlight Mon 14-Nov-16 07:55:10

Sometimes I do agree some kids do clash even siblings clash and never find a common ground but the bullying needs to stop

itsgottabeblackorwhite Mon 14-Nov-16 07:58:31

Your daughter needs to be and feel safe in her own home. do not have the 2 girls meeting up. your bf needs to deal with his own daughter but unfortunately it sounds like a stern telling off isn't going to resolve the matter.

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 08:07:05

We met after about 6 months of dating but didn't make it obvious to the kids we were a couple (obviously 11 yr old knew) and 7 yr old actually said "daddy she should be your gf she's nice" and so he asked her permission.
No we're not there every weekend, they have at least 1-2 days a week with their dad on their own, I'm very conscious that their alone time with daddy is very important.
I won't even use the key I have for his house if they're there, I will knock and wait for them to let me in so it doesn't look like I'm invading their home.
I really try to make them feel included and loved by us as well as daddy and 7 yr old is happy to come for cuddles with me or let me kiss an injury better.
However my partner cannot even touch my daughter in case 7 yr old kicks off! He helped my daughter zip up her coat a few weeks ago and 7 yr old had a tantrum.
I understand it must be hard seeing daddy be kind to another little girl - she's very much a daddy's girl. But my daughter has done nothing wrong, she's actually very patient with 7 yr old.
I think my partner needs to be firm and stick up for a little girl being wronged and get to the bottom of why his DD is acting like this.
There seems to be no consequences for her behaviour which is why she keeps doing it

Blackbird82 Mon 14-Nov-16 08:25:54

Firstly I would stop all contact between the children. This girl tried to push your daughter down the stairs amongst other vile things. She cannot be trusted, she has some serious issues and your daughters wellbeing should come first.

Secondly you need to have a very serious conversation with your partner. It's all very well for him to bleat on about being heartbroken but he needs to firmly tackle this problem with his daughter. She sounds completely jealous of you and you DD, which is understandable but does not excuse this behaviour.

If your partner continues to be a passive bystander, I would absolutely dump him. Your daughter matters more.

Footle Mon 14-Nov-16 08:27:34

There's no mystery to get to the bottom of . She's jealous of her father's relationship with your daughter.

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 08:36:28

Footle there is no relationship between my daughter and my partner, they very rarely see each other.
The jealousy is understandable from 7 yr old but the behaviour is not acceptable at all and it needs to be addressed for myself and my partner to continue any sort of relationship.
How would you all handle this? What advice can I give my partner?

Mamamc123 Mon 14-Nov-16 08:36:46

And thank you all for your words of support xxx

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