Tutor for DSD?(14 Posts)
Just wondering what others make of this situation?
DSD is in her GCSE year and pretty blooming clever across the board. She's looking at A-C grade in most subjects. She's asked OH and I to pay for a tutor in the subject she feels most weak on (still predicted to be a C).
We have her EOW and OH sees her one night a week. It's become apparent over the past year as GCSE's loom that this one night a week is the only night she dedicates to studying as her mum has her Tues-Thurs doing church activities.
When we have her at weekends we encourage her to do homework, offer to help out etc, always get the answer "I don't have any homework". with 6 months to go until her exams we find this surprising.
We feel that someone with her ability would do fine on a weak subject if she applied herself properly but we're now getting a bit of emotional blackmail such as "if you don't get me a tutor, you're responsible for my bad grade".
I should add that there is no co-parenting between OH and his ex, he tries, she refuses. So we can't even speak to her and explain that DSD is wrapping both parents round her finger and come up with a consistent plan to get study time co-ordinated between the two houses.
We've refused point blank after lengthy discussion with her to pay for a tutor when all they will do is see her once a week, set additional homework that won't be done and then come back each week to see no change. Now we're the bad guys of course! How do other families manage this?
The fact that she wants a tutor shows that she has good intentions. Maybe she thinks that having a tutor, ie. a stranger will be the boost she needs to gt on with homework.
Unless it is likely to cause financial hardship, I would agree to it, but saying that you will start with say 3 lessons and will continue with it only if she shows commitment.
By the way, it is not unusual at all (as a matter most common) that Y11 pupils are still oblivious to what it means to study for their GCSEs. The penny drops usually after their do their mock test and then really kicks in as teachers start to put pressure on them around Easter time. On this basis, it might be worth waiting a bit longer to start revisions with a tutor.
Sorry but I don't get how DSD is "wrapping both parents round her fingers" - it seems you don't know how much work she is doing at home even with the church acivities. This cohort of GCSE pupils are not going to be able to do course work - just sit the exams next summer - thanks to Gove.
I think the fact that the girl wants a tutor demonstrates that she is taking her work seriously and is concerned that she might not get the C grade she needs. You say a tutor will see her once a week and set additional homework but that's not necessarily the case. It may be a subject that she just doesn't "get" and so no amount of study is going to help. This is where tutors come into their own - my DGD had some maths tuition and it worked wonders - things that she hadn't understood and wouldn't ask the class teacher, were explained by the tutor on a 1 to 1 basis and it worked like a dream. From then on she went from strength to strength, understanding mathematical concepts that she'd never have believed she'd have understood. She had 10 lessons and got a B in her GCSE. Unless you really can't afford it, please re-consider. Would her mother be prepared to share the cost.
Thanks for your comments. I think the thing we're struggling with is that the cost is expected to come from us, no massive hardship but we've tried to make it clear that there's a commitment from her that goes with that and she's said that she can't give us one because she'/ too busy the other nights of the week.
I suspect that maybe a trial run with a good tutor might be the way forward and then an honest chat about what the future looks like if we commit to it?
Most people I know tutor their kids in weak subjects for GCSE, as did I for several. Yes, she probably should be doing more at home but I think she should be praised for reaching out for help. I know the cost is mad but it's for a limited time, not indefinite.
What I can relate to though, is your frustration at her assumption that you both should foot the bill and not her mother. This is an issue that me and Dh deal with on a daily basis...
We have this on everything aroundtheworld. As we both work full time and the ex wife doesn't (could but doesn't and no judgement in that statement before I'm jumped on), we are assumed to have the funds to pay for everything. That's in spite of the fact that DH is on a no frills Budget.
That means in reality I'm expected to pay for everything by the ExW because I have disposable income. And no children of my own (?!)
Someone needs to foot the bill. Would it be fair if it was only mum? Should you sort out paying 50/50, but then having to deal with the stress or sorting it out? Sometimes you have to accept that one will pay for something and the other won't. Surely what matters is that you can afford it and you know the money will definitely be spent on the child and should benefit them.
I paid for DD tutoring lessons, 6 x £20, but then again, her father pays nothing and I've long given up him realising that children are not just about the fun but also about the responsibility. One day, she will be grateful that you've made that commitment to try to help her (even if it's not until she becomes a mum herself!).
Dollyparton that's completely ridiculous. You should not be expected to foot the bill for your dsd. If you chose to thats something else but it's BOTH her parents, not you, who are ultimately responsible.
My dh's ex choses not to work and has done an excellent job in ensuring their children place total responsibility on Dh to pay 100% of everything for them. He does this gladly and in this case can afford to, but they totally take it for granted and threaten to withdraw contact from Dh over any query of their 'expenses'. It's this sense absolute entitlement that drives me mad because they are not children anymore but in their early 20's.
I'd suggest a compromise? It is good that she wants you to be involved in her work, my Ex has no interest at all! However, it is about being responsible all round isn't it - for example:
- Sharing cost between the parents
- Child showing for a period of time that she is also willing to put the work in herself. E.g. Ok show us revision once a week for 2 months, then we'll pay for 2 months tutoring and see how it goes.
Will the tutoring happen on an evening when she isn't at your house? Because that would be a way of making sure that she is doing some work on another evening each week, without you having to supervise it.
Maybe her mum is obstructing her from working by making her do church stuff 3 evenings a week and she needs your help to get out of this without confronting her mum and refusing to do the church stuff. Appointment with tutor would be a good excuse.
She's lying about not having homework at weekends. Maybe a deal could be made: we'll pay for a tutor if you do 4 hours of homework/revision every weekend.
swingofthings - it wouldnt be an issue if a 50/50 option was on the table but her mum insists that we pay for everything, always and if we don't, THAT's why the children can't have it. we also get chapter and verse if we ever don't give something to the children about why we should be able to with all our "spare" money.
hedda - interesting theory, I hadn't thought of that. we had a huge upset yesterday when her grandpa insisted she go to church on what should be "our" weekend when she'd already made plans with us. That would have been her 4th visit to church that week.
I would start by going and discussing her progress with the teacher in the relevant subject. Tell him/her that DSD is worried about progress. Ask the teacher what she can do to improve. You might take DSD along so that you can have a frank word with the teacher first and they can be as blunt as they need to be, and then bring DSD in so that the teacher can discuss it with her with you present. I would definitely not be starting by going straight for the tutor option, but beginning with the school. This would also be an opportunity for you to discuss the homework issue with the teacher and see whether she is really doing everything she´s being set.
I don't understand why you wouldn't to be honest. Even from the basic information you have given 4 visits to church in a week, her GSCE 's doesn't appear to be a priority in her mams home.
She is splitting her self between two homes and two different it appears family priorities. She's reaching out and asking for help. Maybe she just doesn't have the ability at the minute to stretch that extra mile her self.
If it was my ss I absolutely would. In fact we are looking at funding extra help for my dd after Christmas for her state exams in her weakest subject. That is out of our family pot of money and won't involve dd dad at all.
Good point on checking in with teachers chipmunk, I'd mentioned that before but forgotten all about it.
I get the cry for help Maybe but I do struggle a bit with how much help we can pay for in order for it to be effective. If the studying isn't there in the background is this the wrong approach? We'd both be happy to spend extra time supporting her but that's been rebuffed as a first step. This all seems a bit headfirst into the costly route.
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