Sex after step daughter moved in

(126 Posts)
Rie482 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:17:33

Hi guys,

Me and my partner have been together almost nine years and my step daughter to be is 16.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. Things are starting to slowly move into something like a normal family life. We're lucky that we get on really well most of the time, although it has been testing as we learn about ourselves and our personal spaces/boundaries.

The one thing that is starting to bother me is the fact my fiancé wants to hide the fact we have sex. Im 29 and he's 33 and we are hoping to start a family in the next year or so after the wedding. She isn't stupid, she knows we do it.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent, he won't have sex without a condom so I came off the pill years ago after taking it for nearly 10 years and I have no plans to go back on it.

His main thing is making sure she doesn't find anything that would suggest we have sex. We practice safe sex so we have condoms in the house but we can't buy them if she's shopping with us and god forbid if a wrapper isn't buried at the very bottom of the bin.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home. I'm not suggesting we should go around shouting it for the roof tops, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I do feel that we should her how being responsible and practicing safe sex is good and nothing to hide.

Has anyone else had a similar problem?

BubbleGumBubble Sun 06-Nov-16 15:28:09

She has only lived with you for a few months so maybe it is taking DP a little longer to settle in to having a child there full time. Let it relax a bit more.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent and fiance chose not to use contraception corrected that sentance for you OP

Fairylea Sun 06-Nov-16 15:31:08

I think parents buying condoms with you when you're 16 would be pretty grim to any teenager to be honest. I'm with your dh on this one. (I also have a teenage dd). You don't have to pretend you never have sex but you shouldn't be advertising it to her that you do- no one wants to open a bin and see a used condom etc!

Northernlurker Sun 06-Nov-16 15:32:30

No 16 yr old needs to see her parent buying condoms for their own use. Especially not a 16 yr old who was bereaved earlier this year and is now living in a new home with a soon to be step mother only 13 years older than her. You need to remember, OP, that the child's welfare comes before your own. Buy your condoms when you are alone and appreciate the fact that your man is so sensitive to his child's feelings.

TwentyCups Sun 06-Nov-16 15:36:13

I thought you were going to say he was refusing to have sex in the house.
Of course your step daughter is aware you have a sex life. This doesn't mean she wants to see used condoms in the bin. I can't see how this is a problem though - get a flip top little bin for your bedroom, empty it yourself. No trouble.
No teenager wants to pop to boots with her step mum ( or biological mum!) to pick up condoms, nor presumably does she want to see them in the bathroom cupboard next to the toothpaste. I'm sure if you popped a box discretely in the trolley st the supermarket it wouldn't be a big problem - same as picking up some feminine wash or similar. Personal items don't need to be waved directly under her nose, but neither do u need to pretend they do not exist.

Your home is her home now - make her feel welcome by respecting each other's privacy.

BertieBotts Sun 06-Nov-16 15:39:18

Yeah, sorry, I think he's being fair on this one. It's awfully embarrassing when you're a teen to come across evidence that your parents have sex. As you say, she'll know that you're doing it anyway, it's not like it's some dirty secret, but I don't think you're quite at the stage of "bowl of condoms in the bathroom for everyone's use" either.

It's respectful to be discreet over this. Especially considering that the living arrangement is new and her age. If she'd been with you forever then it might be a different story.

Fairylea Sun 06-Nov-16 15:39:29

Also if her mum committed suicide in July that's only about 16 weeks ago. That's a horrendous thing for a teenager to go through. I would assume all her emotions and thought are all over the place at the moment and will be for some time. Are you sure thinking about a new baby now is the right time?

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Nov-16 15:41:23

Why on earth would you want to show you're having sex? If she can bear to think about it, she'll know you are.

BubbleGumBubble Sun 06-Nov-16 15:43:44

Are you sure thinking about a new baby now is the right time?

So pleased somebody else said what i was thinking!
Not being horrible OP but with so many life changes your DSD is having to deal with is a new sibling too tbe right move so soon?

usual Sun 06-Nov-16 15:44:01

Why do you want her to know you are having sex? Seems a bit weird to me that it's even an issue.

I should think she's got plenty of other things in her head atm and whether you and her dad have sex is the least of her problems.

DearMrDilkington Sun 06-Nov-16 15:46:46

How did your dp not consent to having her?

Bubblegum18 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:49:35

What an odd post surely your just be discreet and put them in the basket or get them on another occasion. As pp have a separate bin in your room.

Your comment about his ex trapping him is abit crass he could of easily used a condom no contraception is 100%.

I remember your post before and DSD being clingy I really hope you've and your DP are making steps to help her in her grief. I felt you going away so soon was pretty harsh.

I think you are soley thinking of your own needs about your life sex life being distrubed the poor lass is most likely not interested and feeling isolated and alone she could do with being the main focus.

I also second maybe holding off on the baby until things aren't as up in the air.

ThePeoplesChamp Sun 06-Nov-16 16:00:27

Why would you want to buy condoms when shes shopping with you??? ....Come on.

The poor girl can probably work out youre having sex, but you seem to want her to be overtly aware like its some kind of claim of ownership

ThatGingerOne Sun 06-Nov-16 16:00:32

At that age I wouldn't want to know my proper parents were having sex never mind step parents etc grin I honestly never even thought about it and I don't think she will either. What's wrong with keeping condoms in your room in a bedside drawer or something? She shouldn't be going in your room/through your stuff anyway, the way I see it it would be a punishment to come to that revolution if she'd been snooping.

swingofthings Sun 06-Nov-16 16:05:01

I think OP is being misunderstood. What she is commenting on is going out of the way to pretend it is not happening and I'm with her, sex is normal part of a committed relationship and not something that needs to be portrayed as shameful. There is a difference between shouting out loud that you forgot to buy the condom at the checkout, and just picking up a box as you are going through the aisle and putting it with the shopping.

Similarly, it was be bad manners to let condom boxes in the living room, but a wrapper which happens to be in the bin isn't anything shocking. My view is that the more you make taboo of something, the more teenagers will become awkward about it. As it is, what you want is her to feel comfortable so that if she has any concerns/questions, she would feel comfortable asking her dad or OP.

Of course, if she were to shout that it is disgusting if she saw a wrapper in the bin, then you might as well hide it indeed and buy the condom when she's not with you shopping.

SheldonCRules Sun 06-Nov-16 16:07:17

Sex should be the least of your worries, what a selfish thought.

That poor girl has just lost her mum in the most horrific way and the two people in the world she needed left her to go on holiday and bemoan the lack of space. To add insult to injury there's now a wedding planned and a baby. Any decent parent would have put those plans on hold to deal with the situation at hand and ensure the existing child was in a suitable place first.

Mindtrope Sun 06-Nov-16 16:07:23

I agree with the other posters.

I have two teenage kids- and OH and I have sex. Leaving condom wrappers around or buying condoms while shopping with my teens would be inappropriate.

Mindtrope Sun 06-Nov-16 16:08:25

I also agree that planning a baby at such a difficult time would be madness.

Manumission Sun 06-Nov-16 16:09:47

Maybe it's time to let any alleged bygones be bygones now as the poor woman is dead?

Thatwaslulu Sun 06-Nov-16 16:11:28

I have a 16 yo DS and certainly would feel uncomfortable buying condoms openly when out with him. I also feel slightly uncomfortable having sex in the daytime if he is in the house. I don't know why other than we have a small house and I can hear next door at it, so it stands to reason he would hear us. Why on earth would you also want to display used condoms? I would prefer discretion and hiding them underneath other rubbish in the bin is absolutely normal.

Thatwaslulu Sun 06-Nov-16 16:12:47

Same with condom wrappers...(posted too soon). They are wrapped in loo roll and stuffed under other rubbish too.

BertrandRussell Sun 06-Nov-16 16:15:54

OP- when you were 16 how would you have felt about finding your parent's used condoms in the bin when you went to throw something away?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess Sun 06-Nov-16 16:16:38

swing. Nah, I don't think the OP is being misunderstood . Nothing 'shameful' about a healthy sex life, but prioritising it over the needs of a vunerable teen who her mum four months ago is pretty shit, tbh. I'm afraid the line due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiance's consent is rather telling. That would be her dads consent, right, OP? Who had unprotected sex with her mother, resulting in their daughter's birth?

Jesus. A child has lost her mum and all you give a shit about is 'me, me, me'. Put the baby plans on hold and grow up. Crass and disrespectful doesn't even cover your attitude .

WeAllHaveWings Sun 06-Nov-16 16:18:17

She's only 16 and lost a parent through suicide only 16 weeks ago. If your df thinks this is best for her for now its not a big ask to go along with is it? Why wouldn't you?

My mum and dad used condoms (I found them once when snooping), you don't need to be ultra secretive but I think its respectful to other in the household to be discrete. You wouldn't be flaunting buying them or putting them in full view at the top of the bin if your grandmother was visiting would you?

TheHobbitMum Sun 06-Nov-16 16:18:53

I've 4 kids which includes 2 teens very near your SDage, they'd be mortified if we bought condoms or saw evidence of them! I'm with your DP on this, respect her age and feelings a bit and be a bit discreet. She absolutely knows you have sex but doesn't want or need it forced onto her. I also think now isn't the right time to add a baby with so much going on for her, I'd think it's wise to leave it a year and allow her to adjust and grieve for the life she's lost. Poor girl and very recently lost her mum and faced a huge uprooting/turmoil. She's probably still figuring out where she fits into your lives smile

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