I pulled out of moving in with partner with kids

(18 Posts)
Molly333 Sun 06-Nov-16 05:08:26

Hi I'm new to this and would appreciate yr thoughts . I am going to be utterly honest but please be kind in your replies as ive never told my partner how I really feel for fear of hurting him . My decision is made to protect myself I think .

I've been a single mum if two for ten years , utterly no support at all yet hv own home and hv completed a degree , so I guess a success . My partner has three children 21, 17 and 14 ,flowing his divorce he has lived with his sister and not really got his own home due to paying marge marriage debts off . His ex wife is very angry he doesn't hv his own home and wants to get rid of the kids at all times ( she has a new partner and moved all the kids out of school across counties to become with him so they hv no friends at all and are hving to start again totally !

The dilemma is , I love my partner very much we want to live together and nearly bought a house ( me selling mine ) most recently but I've pulled out ! The reasons being , his middle son is so miserable , mopes about with dropped shoulders , makes digs at his brothers all the time , hasn't got a job and is generally utterly negative to be around . This is causing me great problems as he's very much like my ex husband and to be honest seeing him makes me anxious so moving my home to live with him is something ive wrestled with . I made the section this week to pull out but a very sad as I would love to live with my partner but am worried to give up my home and may end up really unhappy ( sorry I feel selfish here) . What would you hv done? X

Molly333 Sun 06-Nov-16 05:09:14

Sorry for spelling errors but hope u get the jist

Wallywobbles Sun 06-Nov-16 05:15:11

I think your choice is fine. In fact the alternative would be nuts. Selling your home to effectively buy one for him and his kids. If you got married you'd loose half of it potentially. What's he bringing to the table? Have you been able to talk to him about your feelings?

Step parenting is hard. Other people's kids of any age come with a whole host of issues. If there's no sign of an end to them moving out when adult it's even worse.

How about waiting until they've moved out and then reconsidering? How old are your kids?

BusterGonad Sun 06-Nov-16 05:19:10

Would you consider moving in together for a year? You could rent your house out and rent a family home for a year with your partner and his family. I wouldn't sale my home if I wasn't 110% sure of it.

tribpot Sun 06-Nov-16 05:55:26

Why do you feel selfish for wanting to protect your children and your assets? That's your job. I can see no real up side for you in moving in together (other than being able to spend more time with your DP, but presumably you're not prevented from seeing each other now?) and loads of potential downsides.

It's a very risky move - my mother made it when I was about the age of your kids (I assume, based on the length of your marriage), to a man with teens albeit younger than the ones in your case. It worked out fantastically - she and my step-dad have been married for 35 years and we have a large blended family. But I don't like the odds in your case, particularly with the misgivings about one of the children. In any case, what is best for them given their mother has already uprooted them? Rushing in to setting up another household seems too risky for them too.

OzzieFem Sun 06-Nov-16 07:14:42

Wow! I think you have done exactly the right thing OP. Looking at this from an outsiders point of view.

There are five children potentially involved, if all still living at home.
Was the house you were thinking of buying going to fit them all in?
Exactly how much and what marriage debts does your Dp still have to fork out for?
What would he be able to afford financially to the purchase of a house? Who would be sharing with who?
Do all the kids get on with each other?
One moody child can upset the entire household, get your Dp to take him to counselling. Is this child planning to go to uni and who will support him?
Are they all prepared to do house chores or are you going to be the domestic and financial goddess?

Love can rapidly go out the window with too many stressors in the partnership, and you have quite a few right there. You would also be financially worse off if you had gone ahead with buying the house. Perhaps you need to get someone (not sure who, as in Oz) that could discuss the problems with your Dp if he starts to kick up about the change in plans. I do have my doubts about his financial savvy.

Well done for making a sound decision and good luck in the future. star

paxillin Sun 06-Nov-16 10:25:37

I wouldn't move in in these circumstances either. Certainly don't sell your home. You are not selfish.

What would you and your kids get from living with him? You, not his angry ExW, his moody middle son or him, their issues are not your problems, don't take them on.

Lovelybangers Sun 06-Nov-16 10:30:33

You made the right decision OP

I'm a step parent who sold up to move in with DH. A couple of DC each.

We have had a few issues over the parenting of Dc, the other parents of our DC etc. With hindsight I would have kept my own house for a few years more until the DC were older.

Just date for a while longer and don't tie yourself into anything financial /legal just yet.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 06-Nov-16 10:34:00

You've made a good decision, and shouldn't beat yourself up. Your children have to come first for you, but you obviously have to be looking after yourself too. Moving in to a house with a teenager who is making you uncomfortable is not a good idea. Where you go from here, however, I've no advice.

Wdigin2this Mon 07-Nov-16 22:45:11

Of course you made the right decision.....for you and your DC, and that's your job! I'd just go on as you are for a year or two, then see how things are, if it still looks wrong for you, stick to your guns, good luck!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:35:01

You sound like your gut instinct took over, and it sounds right. After all, what is the harm in waiting for another year or so? His children are coming into adulthood, so when they are no longer possible dependents it would be easier.

I'd talk honestly with your partner though, you don't have to trash his son, but he would understand your own need to continue as a harmonious unit. I assume your child is younger? It doesn't mean the end of your relationship.

Livelovebehappy Wed 09-Nov-16 00:34:42

You sound like you've made the right decision for you, but I would add that your description of the 17 yr old son is pretty much how most boys of this age behave. They're just trying to find their way into adulthood and do come out the other side, usually, okay. So I wouldn't count on that situation being long term.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Wed 09-Nov-16 10:57:23

Following, as my DP and i have recently been discussing the options wrt moving in together. I am hesitant, as like you, I have made a home for myself and my DCs and feel proud and independent. Giving that up, albeit for a more 'complete' family life, scares the crap out of me.

Buster, I suggested renting for a year to my DP as a way to test the ground but he was most offended as it didn't 'say the right things' to each other about commitment. He said it's almost setting yourself up to fail if you have an escape route, which kind of defeats the point of making this commitment to each other.

I'm torn! I think you did the right thing if you're not sure Molly, you can always revisit the idea in the future, but once you've done it it's much more difficult to go back.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Wed 09-Nov-16 10:58:44

And yes, LiveLove, I have a 16yo DS and he has been an utter pain for several years, but seems to be emerging out the other end as a lovely young man except this morning when we had an argument and he told me I was a terrible mother, little shit!!

gingina Wed 09-Nov-16 12:25:16

I think you have done the best for everyone.
How did your DP take the news? Does he understand your reasons?
How old are your dc? 14 year old boys can be horrible (I have 2 and much as I love them they are a pain in the arse when they are that age) If you aren't used to moody boy teenagers then it is quite a thing to take on.
I would say wait a few years, until your DP is more financially stable and his dc are closer to flying the nest and enjoy your independence for a while longer

CocoaX Thu 17-Nov-16 21:46:56

FeedMe, I wouldn't do it in your position- you have suggested a stepping stone you are comfortable with and your DP has given you an ultimatum (either as you are or a 'no escape' scenario). Who in their right minds moves in with a partner, selling their and DC home in the process, without an escape route? He is using very emotive language to get you to prove your commitment (to what he wants). There isn't a 'right thing' to say in s partnership, it is about listening to what each person IS saying and why. The crap is scared out of you for a reason. Sorry.

I agree that you have done the right thing Molly

bananarama75 Sat 26-Nov-16 08:52:18

Molly, I am glad I found your thread. I am literally in this position myself and not knowing what to do for the best. Dont want to burn my bridges and yet it doesnt feel like the right time to move anymore.

I would be moving to live with my DP plus his 17 and 19 yr boys. Its lots of things but mainly his kids. The 19 left college in June 2015 and hasnt worked and his dad (my Dp) doesnt seem to be pushing him enough to find employment. Have suggested he 'signs on' so they can give him a kick up the butt but thats fallen on deaf ears.

Can I ask how your partner took the news? has it changed your relationship or was he understanding? I have been with my DP for 5 years and am supposed to be moving to be with him next summer which is getting scarily closer. It would mean moving about 60 miles away so giving up job/house/friends/family.

LucyLugosi Sat 26-Nov-16 15:19:24

Hope you're ok OP.
I too would be interested in hearing how DP reacted.
I think you made the right decision for now. Depending on how DP reacted, things could change in the future.

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