AIBU? Lack of romance.

(11 Posts)
Lala1980 Thu 20-Oct-16 08:36:19

Not really a step issue but could do with some step mum support or if you think IABU some advice:
DH is going through a whole heap of sh*t right now. His dad died a couple of years ago and his mercenary uncle has pushed him out of the family business. He has had to take a pay cut to find work. His teenage son who lives with us is getting in trouble at school. His ex w is being a narc and alienating his other children who he hasn't seen since may. He is a runner but his knee is injured. So a pretty crap year.
I am funding the shortfall putting food on the table and fuel in the car, paying so mediation/court can continue, got him a job at mine and looking after (difficult) DSS and working FT myself. I am doing my utmost to support him.
I am a very tactile person. Sex and intimacy are super important to me. AIBU to be hurting that it has gone out of the window during this time? He is always tired and has started to drink more with the stress.
AIBU? Please be gentle. Feeling fragile. It's my birthday and he hasn't even said happy birthday...

lookluv Thu 20-Oct-16 09:31:55

Yes and No! and that is not a criticism.

YANBU wanting it - whether he is in a place to acknowledge or even respond is another matter.

I had a similar annus 2 yrs horribilis, parent died, dick head left me, one of my DCs was seriously ill, severely bullied at work, sibling got cancer, niece came to live with us ( I seriously only do boys now!),other parent was awful to be around - grief and other sib was a pain in the unsupportive arse!!

All I can say is, I had no concept of how bad it was when my parent died - it was .....................

I survived on a day to day basis, if it did not involve walking, sleeping, eating and existing it pretty well got left behind. My world was very insular and as much as I think I wanted a hug / Ex to remember to buy me a b day present from the DCs - 4 and 6, I realised that if I showed any weakness/need I felt my iron will and self control would snap and I would breakdown. Any act of kindness - caused me to cry.

Not saying that is what is going on with your DP but it might be.

I did stop drinking,realised about 2 weeks after funeral, that I was coming home and drinking every night. All alcohol out the house and physically felt better. It was very easy and insidious to not realise one glass was now 3.

It will improve - took about 15 months and I can not tell yu what changed but suddenly not everything was black.

You sound lovely and supportive - he is lucky to have you, do not give up on him yet.

Jett99 Thu 20-Oct-16 09:32:05

What a rubbish situation, Lala! I'm so sorry, and Happy Birthday! I really hope it picks up for you. To be honest, it all sounds a bit more complicated than whether you're being unreasonable or not. Have you had a sit-down conversation with him and how you're going to work everything out together in terms of money, his job, the ex, his children, the son who lives with you, his family? I think in his situation, I would really need to know that my partner was on my side. It sounds like you're being amazing in practical terms, but is he leaning on you emotionally?
Dividing and conquering is sometimes easiest, so would it be helpful to have a proper conversation and suggest that he devotes all his energy to sorting the situation out with his ex and his children, and that he speak to his son and perhaps the school, and you get on the job hunt for him and carry on funding the shortfall in the mean time?
Secondly, I think sex and intimacy are a bit of a touchy subject when you're going through stuff. In the past, when I've not felt like I've been getting enough attention and love (I'm very tactile too), I freak out and think everything is falling apart and why doesn't my OH love me as much as I love him haha. However, more recently we went through something, and for the first time, I pulled away and my sex drive disappeared. It wasn't that I loved my partner any less, I just didn't know what to do, and generally needed space away from the stress of my life, and somehow my partner ended up in the firing line. So I know what it's like to be in your shoes and I understand what a horrible feeling it is, but also mentioning it to your DH probably won't make things any better. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but knowing what I know now, I'd try to just support him emotionally first. How long has it been going on OP? flowers

Wdigin2this Thu 20-Oct-16 10:37:18

Well, I understand your need for closeness, probably even more at the moment, but it's very common for men who are feeling stressed and upset to let that side of life slide! I would say, especially as he's lost his job and now has to take a pay cut, its emasculating for most men, and avoiding intimacy is, I understand, the normal response!
I don't think there's anything you can do, but wait it out patiently, (we women are good at that) continue to show him affection, but don't overwhelm him. Sorry, I know you want a magic cure, (understandably) but this looks like it'll take time and delicate care!

Wdigin2this Thu 20-Oct-16 10:38:08

Oh, and happy birthday! cake flowers

Lala1980 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:54:56

Thank you all. After DP dropped DSD at school he made me coffee and had bought pastries. He had got me a card and presents from the garage (flowers/chocs/wine). Really pissed off though as nothing romantic DSS. No birthday sex and have come to bed in tears as he is asleep on the sofa. Can't see how to make things better. Resenting DSD:-(

Lala1980 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:55:48

That should read nothing from DSS. No idea where romantic came from!

Wdigin2this Fri 21-Oct-16 00:24:04

At least he did acknowledge your birthday, but you wanted a romantic gesture didn't you? I don't quite know what to say to you, but as I said above, there's no magic cure!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 21-Oct-16 20:24:48

I just wonder if you can start by asking for a little intimacy of the un pressured sort. Say can I have a hug. Tell him you feel a little uncared for and lonely, but suggest exactly what you'd like.

He's possibly feeling crap and knows sex is missing. But his brain needs to be engaged, he can't just turn it on I imagine. So if you can, back off from sex. Build up your relationship another way?

Mr5Norris Sun 23-Oct-16 14:12:47

Hi Layla. I had a similar year to your husband several years ago. It was horrible and my sex drive went completely out of the window. Sadly it ended up with my husband leaving as he needed sex. Looking back I was probably suffering from depression but even now when stress levels rise, sex is the first thing to go for me. Maybe encourage him to take some other form of exercise up that will boost his endorphins/ dopamine - if he's also not getting his usual exercise fix that will be an extra blow.

For me, it would have helped to take some of the pressure off. I felt so bad about not wanting sex and disappointing my husband that I stressed myself further. I also didn't want to cuddle as I didn't want it to be seen as a 'come on' and lead somewhere I really didn't want to go. If we could have ruled sex out for a month or two and revisited it after that, we both knew where we stood and it hadn't been hanging over both of us like a huge cloud of resentment/ disappointment/ guilt then I think it would have been better.

I hope this helps and I hope you work things out x

Lala1980 Mon 24-Oct-16 22:28:11

Thank you Mr5Norris. I'm just feeling so lonely so thank you all for your support. Just feels like I can't make DP happy no matter how hard I try x

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