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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Ss completely blanks his brother and sister.

50 replies

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 14:13

The title says it all really.
Ss (15) does not engage with ds (3) at all. When ds talks to him or greets him when he enters a room he just ignores him and looks away.
It is now beginning to upset ds as he looks up to his brother. I don't know what to do. Should I say something or ignore the ignoring?

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BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 14:16

Should add that his sister is 4 months so it does not affect her at the moment. But, it will in the future.

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Wdigin2this · 02/10/2016 15:07

Well, he is 15 and probably just not interested in little kids, but that doesn't make it OK. What does his DF say about it, have you talked about it?

wheresthel1ght · 02/10/2016 15:20

To be honest I don't think it's a battle worth having. At 15 I had no interest in being around little kids at home when family came to visit. Sounds like normal behaviour.

Mrscaindingle · 02/10/2016 15:29

It might be normal behaviour, but it's not acceptable behaviour, I think DH is needing to have a word. Sounds like there might be some resentment there but 15 is old enough to be able to give some consideration to the fact he is upsetting a 3 year old.

Good luck with that however I have a 15 year old DS at home who is being a complete selfish, lazy git atm.

swingofthings · 02/10/2016 15:29

He is 15 and at that age, 3yo are nothing but pests. Nothing is cute about them and their affection doesn't do anything to them. Their lives would be much nicer without that noisy, dirty, disturbing alien.

Unfortunately, that's how it is for many. The more you expect him to show any kind of acknowledgement/attention to your ds, the worse it will be. He might resort to the minimum of politeness, but that's all you get. Better let him get on with it, his attitude will change in a few years.

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 16:43

When I try and talk to DH he just shrugs it off. I understand he is 15 and toddlers are boring and annoying, but I just want him to be polite. He is fine with me. It just seems to be directed at his brother.

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BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 16:46

He has also muttered that ds "is not his brother".

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CannotEvenDeal · 02/10/2016 16:49

How sad... I really feel for you OP.

What is your relationship with dss like aside from this?

Canyouforgiveher · 02/10/2016 16:50

He is 15 so ignoring is pretty par for the course. Doesn't mean it is acceptable though and your dh is being lazy in not having a word with him. If you otherwise have a good relationship with him could you sit down with him one day and say "X, I don't expect you to play with 3 year old or anything but it would be great if you just said hi to him. If you were in a friend's house, I'd hate if you blanked his little brother or sister like that" Teens are often self-obsessed, oblivious and moody but it doesn't mean you stop giving any guidance to them. Just keep it light and non judgemental.

By the way in my experience with friends, this is a common enough reaction from teens to smallies - they grow out of it.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 02/10/2016 16:53

Yes I agree it might sound 'normal' but it's not acceptable.

Dd2 (3) idolises her older sister 21 (dd1) and when dd1is in a mood or hungover and tries to ignore dd2 - she gets told.

Ask your Dh to speak to him.

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 16:57

My relationship with Dss is fine. I wouldn't say we "enjoy" each other's company, but we are polite and respectful.

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BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 16:57

I will ask DH to talk to him. I think he just does not want to rock the boat.

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goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 02/10/2016 16:59

I would love to feel sorry for you but I don't. We don't know whether you were the ow or not. If he is not interested leave him to it. It's not his choice he has a half brother or sister.

I suppose he could put up and shut up. That would help smooth things over. For whatever reason he is having a problem and you have to solve that.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 02/10/2016 16:59

My ds is 15 and has a great bond with his younger siblings. . Half siblings technically tho nobody ever ever brings that to the conversation. .
Being 15 isn't an excuse to be ignorant.
Dh needs to sort it out for the other kids sake. And his.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 02/10/2016 17:00

Well regardless if he doesn't want to rock the boat your Dh has to bridge the gap that he is allowing develop.

CannotEvenDeal · 02/10/2016 17:02

It's not his choice to have a brother or sister? What a load of bs. So whatever happens in life that he didn't specifically ask for, he should go into a strop?

CannotEvenDeal · 02/10/2016 17:03

Being 15 isn't an excuse to be ignorant

This x 100

Waltermittythesequel · 02/10/2016 17:05

He has absolutely no reason or excuse to ignore a child who just wants him to say hello.

Your dh needs to do something here, or does he care less about his younger son?

Canyouforgiveher · 02/10/2016 17:05

I would love to feel sorry for you but I don't. We don't know whether you were the ow or not. If he is not interested leave him to it. It's not his choice he has a half brother or sister.

Jesus what is it with the immediate presumption that every second wife is the other woman!

Most kids aren't actually part of the decision-making process in having a sibling. Does that mean they can blank their siblings?

OP, your dh has to sit down with his son and ask him what is going on - he might learn something important. But if it is just teenage bolshyness he needs to tell him that there is a minimum of politeness required in every social situation - including in his own home. If he abdicates his responsibility as a parent, then I think you should have a gentle conversation with your stepson as he seems to get on with you (despite you likely being the whore of babylon and all)

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 17:06

I was not the other woman. Thanks for that Mumsnet classic.
I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me and nobody 'chooses' to get a sibling that would be weird.
I would like him to be at least civil my ds.

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MoreCoffeeNow · 02/10/2016 17:10

Jesus what is it with the immediate presumption that every second wife is the other woman!

It would be hilarious if it wasn't so stupid. Second wives are evil incarnate to some frothers on MN.

Pathetic really.

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 17:12

Thanks, most of the advice has been helpful. I am going to sit down and talk to my DH and Ss at the same time and bring it up causally.

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Ninasimoneinthemorning · 02/10/2016 17:23

I wouldn't op - your DSS could feel attacked and your Dh night jump to dis defence leaving your the bad guy.

Talk to Dh first and tell him if he doesn't move to make an improvement you will speak to him yourself when he next blanks him

BackforGood · 02/10/2016 17:42

This,

He is 15 so ignoring is pretty par for the course. Doesn't mean it is acceptable though and your dh is being lazy in not having a word with him. If you otherwise have a good relationship with him could you sit down with him one day and say "X, I don't expect you to play with 3 year old or anything but it would be great if you just said hi to him. If you were in a friend's house, I'd hate if you blanked his little brother or sister like that" Teens are often self-obsessed, oblivious and moody but it doesn't mean you stop giving any guidance to them. Just keep it light and non judgemental

BingbastardBunny · 02/10/2016 17:49

I will keep it light and non judgemental. I don't want to make things worse. I just want everyone to get on.

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