DSD's phone contract

[Dollyparton3]

A bit of background: DSD is soon to be 16, she's had a phone contract for two years which has resulted in major conflict with her, all related to her online activity and her mum refusing to co-parent.

About a year ago, DSD was posting some very suggestive imagery on Instagram, pouty, cleavage showing etc, on a public profile which we told her to lock to private. She was 14 at the time. Her mum told us if DH and I had a problem, we'd have to discuss it with her. DSD of course was having none of it from DP and her mum refused to enforce it as it gave her good point scoring opportunities against DP.

This culminated in a heated discussion after parents evening which was the only opportunity for DP to get the two of them together to talk and enforce DSD's online safety. ExW said in front of DSD that DP was being a bully and to ignore him. We then didn't see DSD for 6 months.

Since then, DSD has continued to do whatever the F she wants online and we have to pick our battles extremely carefully.

Her mobile phone contract has now come up for renewal and of course she wants to upgrade her phone. We responded with "OK, that's fine, as long as your mother takes the contract this time" Our theory on that is that if she has the contract, she can take the responsibility for the next two year.

ExW has now sent a message via DSD saying she "doesn't want to" take the contract in her name. I've did to DSD that her mum needs to pick up the phone and have a chat with DSD's dad about it as I'm sick of The children being used by their mum as pawns to bully.

DSD has said "she won't do that" so now we're at loggerheads and DSD is upset.

Baring in mind that we're the non resident parents, and we met years after DP divorced so I'm not a factor here, WWYD? I refuse to back down on this and DP feels the same.

Is there a solid reason why the RP should be on the phone contract?

[Penfold007]

If your H no longer wants to pay for his daughter's phone then he simply gives notice and ends the agreement with the provider. What the mother does is up to her.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

He just doesn't renew the contract. What her mum does is up to her but he doesn't renew it just because she says she isn't. If that means dsd is without a phone then that's what it means.

[swingofthings]

Agree with pen. Why should mum take it over just you've decided yoy d don't want to do so. SD is clearly not going to be happy but that's between her dad and her. He can't throw it back at mum just because he knows that what he wants to do is going to upset her.

Reminds me of the thread when mum decided she didn't want to pay for car insurance any longer when premium went up and expected dad to pick it up by default.

[ayeokthen]

I would let it run out and leave it up to her mum. My DSD was given a capped contract phone for her birthday with caveats (we needed the passcode/passwords for apps so we could check her online safety). Since then she has been kicking off at school and has been caught cyber bullying and sending extremely inappropriate messages. We cancelled the contract. She is furious, but we told her that it was given to her on trust, she abused that trust, it's up to her to earn it back.

[Dollyparton3]

I should explain that we'll still be contributing the same amount towards the contract, we just won't be responsible for it in our name. As another poster has mentioned, it was a privilege, it's been abused so now we're not allowing it to continue

[JynErso]

I'd have cancelled the contract when she was displaying such poor judgement about what she posted online and her mother refused to agree to boundaries, TBH. Online safety needs to come first.

But I wonder if that ship has now sailed. She's almost 16 and needs to start relying on her own judgments anyway. The only result of refusing to pay for her contract pay well be her refusing to see her father.

It's all rather tricky and you need to tread carefully.

[elliebellys]

It seems all the adults are point scoring here.why does she have to have a contract phone?.payg would be fine.then it's up to your dsd to sort it.

[Dollyparton3]

When the issues occurred online we were 6 months into a 2 year contract so getting out of that would have cost us hundreds of pounds.

No point scoring on our part. We'be had our fingers burnt and learnt the lesson. Now we're not taking any contracts out. PAYG is a good option. I'all suggest it

[ayeokthen]

For our part, the reason she had a contract phone was that it was a particular phone she wanted, and also cost wise it made sense as the minutes/texts/data included cost significantly less than pay as you go and an initial outlay for the phone. However, she now has no phone as she can't be trusted to use it properly.

[WannaBe]

If you don't want to pay for her to have a phone then don't. But that has nothing to do with her mum.

It's not the contract she's using irresponsibly I.e. Over-spending etc, it's the phone, wrt what she's posting on Instagram etc. Refusing to have the contract in your name makes no difference to that.

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

Cancel the contract when it expires but please provide your DSD with a pay as you go sim and get the number switched to pay as you go. Who ever holds the contract will need to do this. It will make your DSD life easier and you wont get it in the neck that she's had to change numbers etc

[Standingonmytippytoes]

So you're willing to pay for the contract just don't want it in your names? That seems ridiculous to me. What diffence does it make she's still goin to do what she wants on it. Just get her a payg and get her mother to buy her the phone.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Not unreasonable to cancel the contract but make sure you tell her so that she has time to find a new one.

If mum and dad don't get contracts then she'll have to get a PAYG sim and keep her current phone.

[swingofthings]

Sorry Dolly I assumed you didn't want anything to do with it any longer in anyway. Even if you pay it leaves mum at risk as yoy could then stop anytime if indeed you reach the decision that she shouldn't Hebrew a phone at all and then she's stuck with the payments.

I agree with other posters that it is not clear what the issue is. Has her attitude to posting lead to any issues during the 2 years? If not then maybe she has learnt her lesson and became more responsible with us use?

[Dollyparton3]

My hope is that if her mum is in charge of the contract she will pay more attention to what DSD is posting. It hasn't improved at all over the past two years, DSd still has over 1,000 followers on one site that she admits she doesn't know at all.

At the moment her mum says "your dad is in charge of your phone" which is the ultimate get out. DP is quite happy to tell DSD that we won't enable her bad behaviour by taking out a new contract as we've disciplined her in the past and she': ignored it. So our punishment if you will is us saying that's OK, you now have responsibility for asking someone else to take the contract out for you because we've been trying to help you for two years and it's been thrown back at us on several occasions.

An added feature of this is that DSD wants the new iPhone 7, at a cost of £700 roughly. She has some savings towards it but some of the phone cost is to be added to the contract. So PAYG probably isn't an option

[Heavens2Betsy]

If her Mum was irresponsible enough to allow her to post these shots on Instagram at 14 she won't be any more responsible now - even with her name on a contract.
Also even if she's not using instagram on her phone she can still use it online via a tablet or laptop.

[VimFuego101]

As a previous poster said - just let the contract end, get the sim changed to PAYG and give it to DSD. If her mother wasn't concerned with what DSD was doing online 2 years ago, she's unlikely to care or implement stricter rules now. Your concerns are justified, but I think you're fighting a losing battle here and whether the phone is on a contract or not is not really the issue.

[MeridianB]

16-year-old wants the new iPhone 7? She'd better keep saving for it (and the insurance) then.

Meanwhile, let the contract expire, get her a basic PAYG sim for her existing phone and then ignore ignore ignore all the nonsense from her and her mother. Let them sort it out between them.

[Dollyparton3]

Perfect solution Meridianb. I think we might just do that

[Fairylea]

I'm sorry but why should a 16 year old get an iPhone 7 without it being for a birthday or whatever or them saving for it themselves?! That's madness. I can't even afford an iPhone 7 for myself. I totally agree with Meridianb.

Personally I think at 16 she should be looking for a Saturday job to pay for her own phone - otherwise she can just have the bare minimum giffgaff goody bag for £5 a month...!

[Dollyparton3]

she has saved for the iphone 7, why on earth she wants to spend all of her money on that I have no idea, she's well aware that in a year's time we will be expecting her to have saved towards her first car!

[MeridianB]

There was an interesting AIBU thread recently with a young teen DD who was using social media inc Instagram inappropriately. Someone suggested to her mother that she print off and enlarge some of the pouty underwear selfies and post them to her DD anonymously with a note saying 'The whole internet/world can see these, DD name'.

I don't think that would be right for an SM to do but I thought it was a great way to drive home the reality of (over)sharing.

[Tortoisecharlie]

I'm more concerned about DSD not seeing her Dad for 6 months. Their relationship must have broken down, or it was deemed 'OK' for DSD not to go to her dads. But then he has to pay for her Phone?

I do think it's important that any phone discussions don't come from you OP. Leave well, well clear. It's not in your role at all. I speak as a SM here too, and anything which affects the household, like rudeness, is more appropriate to get involved with.

It also doesn't sound like either you or her Dad are on a firm footing with DSD in terms of a relationship. So priority number one if building up some trust and bond again with him and his daughter. That is not to apportion blame. Without details it is hard to know. Possibly her mum is antagonstic. However there should be some way that your DP can get 'onside' with his daughter, as at the age of 16, if she's been able to feel that she can ignore him for 6 months, she isn't then going to just turn around and take his advice, it is like the bedrock of their relationship has been wobbled.

If I were you, if DP doesn't want to renew the phone then fair enough. But don't let that be the overriding issue.

Could he spend more one on one time with his daughter? Even if he has to half bribe her, e.g. Taking her out for tea/cinema, anything. Just keep as close to her as he can, listen to her, a LOT. Be a rock for her. Keep an eye on her without constantly criticising her, as she's not in a place where she will listen. But just don't let her withdraw from your DP.

[19lottie82]

A contract doesn't "run out". If you do nothing, it will keep running at the usual price per month. You must phone the provider to cancel it or change it to a PAYG.

I think the latter is the best suggestion, then if she wants a new phone she can buy the handset herself, and keep her number.

[19lottie82]

A iPhone 7 for a 16 year old is mental IMO. You're prob looking at more like £1200 over the course of the contract. Most adults don't even spend that.

Seriously. Pay for a PAYG or sub £10 a month sim only deal then if she wants a new handset she can pay for it herself.