DH's adult DC - how long do I keep doing this for?

(56 Posts)
BoxofSnails Sun 18-Sep-16 13:23:31

My DH has 3 children in their 20s, he is 15 years older than me, so I am in my 30s. He and his XW had a rather dramatic split, and with hindsight I should have waited longer before getting together with him. We've been together for 5 years, married for 3.

I have not met 2 of his DC, these two still live with mum, and DH goes over to see them once a week. I have missed his other child's marriage, amongst various family things, to encourage them to all get together.

This year his mum has a round number birthday, and a surprise weekend away has been arranged including aunts and all the grandchildren. I'm not going because it's important that all the grandchildren go. His XW is also going as she's known MIL for 30 years.

I have paid for it from my (our - but mine originally ) savings and I am still owed over £400. I have put my foot down finally when DH has been telling relatives that "Box is not coming just in case there's any unpleasantness" - I think I deserve to have it told how it is - I am not coming because 2 of the GC will otherwise refuse.

I don't know how else to handle this - was this a reasonable line in the sand to draw?
Is it usual for DH to mostly see his DC at his XW house? Even the one that's moved out that I do have a good relationship with probably sees him more at her mum's than hers or ours. I want him to have a good relationship with his children - but I guess I am feeling invisible.

cowbag1 Sun 18-Sep-16 13:32:24

It sounds rather odd to me. When we were in our 20s, my dad always took my sisters and I out or we stayed over at his house with his new wife. Neither my mum or dad would have wanted to spend time together after they divorced, even when I was much younger.

NNChangeAgain Sun 18-Sep-16 13:33:19

Is it usual for DH to mostly see his DC at his XW house?

I wouldn't say it's typical, particularly when the DC's are in their 20's and one of them doesn't live there, no!

Do they not have lives of their own? Even if they don't want to come to your home, could they not meet their Dad for a drink, go to an event together, meet up in town for coffee and a chat?

But, I say that as a ExW who would rather stick forks in my eyes than welcome my exH into my home. If they are all happy with the situation, then there's not really anything you can do if you want to remain in your relationship. Other than refuse to financially enable behaviour that excludes you in future.

CathFromCooberPedy Sun 18-Sep-16 13:37:35

What do you mean by dramatic? I think a 20 the dc should grow up a bit and accept their parents lives as they are although if your dh is continually at his xw house l can see why they aren't.

Thinkingblonde Sun 18-Sep-16 13:42:31

You did right in putting your foot down, you are his wife now and his adult offspring are old enough to accept that fact. They are behaving like petulant children. You do exist and he ought to encourage them to accept you as an important part of his life. He needs to grow a pair and tell them to grow up and treat you with respect, and any unpleasantness caused by them towards you will reflect badly on them, I wouldn't have funded this weekend if I was excluded.

You are his DM's daughter in law now

Floralnomad Sun 18-Sep-16 13:43:31

I don't think I would have be sharing finances with someone who was excluding me from so much of his life . If his children do not wish to mingle with you then that's their choice but you are also family so should be going to family events .

Thinkingblonde Sun 18-Sep-16 13:48:19

Sorry posted too soon, You're the daughter in law now and should be included in any future parties etc. Why should you be hidden away like some dirty little secret.

I think it is unusual for him to be visiting them at his EW's home, he's letting them keep up the pretence of being one big happy family, they all are, his DM and EW too.

Jenny70 Sun 18-Sep-16 13:48:25

I think it's really bad that his mum invites his ex wife and not his current wife. Yes, she's known his mum for long time... but you are his partner and deserve to be with him to celebrate at family events.

Maybe I could understand neither you nor ex-w such that grandchildren will all go, which is probably most important to his mother.

Ex wife can take ex MIL to lunch on another time if she wants to celebrate her birthday.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 13:50:05

He sounds more a part of their lives than in your marriage! No way would I stand for any of what you have described!

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Sep-16 13:54:00

I wouldn't have married someone whose children were against it (not for moral reasons as much as I couldn't be doing with the aggravation) and I certainly wouldn't be sharing my income with someone who still seemed to have a half-marriage with his ex.

Lunar1 Sun 18-Sep-16 13:57:36

I don't mean to be horrible here but I don't see how this will change. Your husband and his family are happy and are getting what they want. While you are finding it and putting up with it.

If you force your dh to include you then everyone at these events will know why and resent you. If you speak up the atmosphere will be difficult.

You are not a secret and someone to be hidden away because it's awkward. You shouldn't have to draw any lines in the sand. I would walk, years of this are terrible for your self esteem and future mental health. There are people out there who would treat you properly without any of this crap.

Lunar1 Sun 18-Sep-16 13:57:44

I don't mean to be horrible here but I don't see how this will change. Your husband and his family are happy and are getting what they want. While you are finding it and putting up with it.

If you force your dh to include you then everyone at these events will know why and resent you. If you speak up the atmosphere will be difficult.

You are not a secret and someone to be hidden away because it's awkward. You shouldn't have to draw any lines in the sand. I would walk, years of this are terrible for your self esteem and future mental health. There are people out there who would treat you properly without any of this crap.

ArmfulOfRoses Sun 18-Sep-16 14:00:00

I do realise how things that are a bit odd can quickly become your normal, but this whole situation is fucking crazy!

No, it is not normal that he visits his adult chdren at their mothers once a week, as a pp said, why on earth are they not meeting for coffee/dinner/a pint?!

And as for you paying for him to go on a family trip that you aren't even invited to while he lies about it...just barking.

BoxofSnails Sun 18-Sep-16 14:55:46

Thank you for all your replies - it's a bit of a relief to just talk about it.
I think Lunar you have summed up why I don't push - because the change will become because I have pushed not because I am welcome.
I've suggested he sees them elsewhere - occasionally when I've been in hospital they've come to our house, there's only so much suggesting you can do.

By dramatic - his XW overdosed a number of times, attempted to assult me twice, would lie down in front of his car so he couldn't leave, etc. I know this will have affected the DC despite their being adults and so I've tried to be the understanding, reasonable one. I wonder if I've inadvertently become a doormat.

BoxofSnails Sun 18-Sep-16 14:58:13

Sorry, didn't respond to everything - I'm not prepared to leave but it is one of the things I'd like to raise in counselling with him.

Once various people pay back their share I won't have paid anything towards the holiday. I am quite looking forward to a peaceful weekend alone!

Lunar1 Sun 18-Sep-16 15:25:12

How on earth did that feel having them in your home while you were in hospital, invaded I'd guess. The more you post the worse it sounds like you are being treated.

GoblinLittleOwl Sun 18-Sep-16 15:59:47

You can't force yourself on family occasions, but your husband should be taking steps to have you accepted as his wife. If the family won't accept you, then he needs to absent himself from these occasions; you certainly shouldn't be funding him.

Relationships with his children are his province, but it sounds as though all the blame for the divorce is being laid at your door. Your husband made the decision to leave his wife and has to accept the consequences with his family; you seem to be making all the compromises.

BoxofSnails Sun 18-Sep-16 16:04:20

Tbh the first time it happened - a couple of years ago - I was hopeful that things would change. I wanted to follow it up with inviting them all for Sunday lunch and DH saying, enough, now, you are welcome to come and eat and be with us. Then I realised DH does not know how to do that. His past parenting shows that.

Mostly I was in pain from major surgery and needed help getting dressed etc when I was discharged and not in a place where I felt I had the power to change anything.

The second time his DD announced her pregnancy - I guess I just felt irrelevant. Spare. Insignificant.

LineyReborn Sun 18-Sep-16 16:25:55

May I ask, how did you meet him?

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Sep-16 17:02:28

I wouldn't want to be with someone who made me feel like that.

BoxofSnails Sun 18-Sep-16 17:16:21

Liney - met him while in a pub with friends.
Imperial - does he make me feel like that, or do the children? Or, do I just need to handle it differently? The last thing I want is to distance him from his children - they need him more than I do and should be his first priority.

fastdaytears Sun 18-Sep-16 17:17:20

This is so sad.

Do you plan to have DC with him?

CrowyMcCrowFace Sun 18-Sep-16 17:21:19

Were you the OW?

If his dc consider you to be to blame for the end of their parents' marriage, they may well not wish to have a relationship with you. Which is their prerogative, to be fair.

LineyReborn Sun 18-Sep-16 17:33:54

If you met him in a pub through friends after his marriage had ended and he was living independently, it does seem odd you haven't met all of his adult children, yes.

MalodyandJim Sun 18-Sep-16 17:37:45

Was he still with his wife when you got together? How recent was the split?

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