Can't handle partners daughter. Advice please?(32 Posts)
My partner has been staying for a log while. Last night was the third attempt at his daughter staying here overnight.
1st time went great. 2nd time she was testing the waters. I wouldn't say naughty but more sneaky and innapropriate.
She stayed last night and I just can't do it again. She stayed in with my 3yo as baby needs their own room. She is 5 and kept taking her knickers off. Whispering things to my son about our relationship as I walked past the room about us getting married etc which we have no plans to do. I asked her to get in her own bed and went back up to find him in her bed with her whispering things to him again.
I don't know if I'm being OTT but it's not her place to be putting those things in his head and I'm really not comfortable with her being there. We don't have the room for her to sleep anywhere else. What do I do?
She is 5 years old why is she talking her pants off what is she saying she sounds a confused little girl . When she is there take the baby in with you and let her have her own room
Why have you had a baby when you barely know his daughter if this is the third time she's been round? She should have her own your being pretty hard on she's only 5. She's his daughter and should be a priority regardless of your feelings she should be a permanent member of the family or you should end the relationship those are your two choices
She's just a little girl! Little girls giggle about marriage and kissing and boyfriends. I bet if I made my two share a room for one night, they'd end up giggling and sharing a bed. I really can't believe this is your attitude to her after just three attempts of her staying. You are being OTT.
She's only 5! She is just finding the change hard. You need to give her a chance to settle in. Maybe her mum has been telling her that you two are getting married.
How far apart have these visits been?
I don't get it, do you have a 3 year old previously and a baby with your dp? Does he live with you or is he just staying a few nights a week?
I assume the baby and the 3 yo are not your dp's children? Why does the baby need a room by themselves, is the baby oxygen dependent or something like that?
5 years old and the first couple of visits might be a good idea to have dad staying in a room with her, you seem to be strangers, that must be frightening for such a young child?
You are threatened by a 5 year old child?
If your son asks about anything she's said, just say she was saying silly things, as all children are wont to do.
She doesn't sound like she's done anything particularly terrible
Where was her dad when you were dealing with all this???
starryeyed why why why question the OP on why she has had a baby, the baby exists it's not like the OP can send it back! Or maybe she should just get rid of her own children to make way for the 5 year old.
Sorry hit post before finishing...
That aside, there is something not very clear about your post and some more details would be appreciated in order to give advise.
At the end of the day the child is 5, and sounds like she has an active imagination about you getting married. DS went through a phase of asking if you love your car will you marry it, as we love our pets will we marry them etc etc
get a grip. she is 5. and she is your partners child. so you can't not have her stay. that is not an option. so don't act like it is.
she will calm down. her dad needs to explain to her that she needs to keep her knickers on whilst sharing a room with her step brother, and you need to show that little girl some compassion!
Whenever I read these threads I always think "what if it was your child that someone was finding unbareable?" It's your 5 year old who is staying somewhere new and maybe being a bit silly but is being judged as so bad that they can't possibly be tolerated again. How would that make you feel?
And how would you feel if someone else's child was in your home and making your child feel uncomfortable?
Lots of ambiguity on this thread, so waiting for OP to come back to clarify.
But it's not just someone else's child. It's her DP's child. And it doesn't say her son was uncomfortable, it says she was.
If I have this right, you have a three year old and a baby, not with your partner. Your partner has a five year old. Your partner has been staying with you for a long time in your place and you have tried having his daughter to stay a few times. When his daughter stays she makes your son feel uncomfortable by saying and doing inappropriate things.
If that is the case, you might want to think carefully about your living arrangements. Your partner will need to continue to see his daughter but your house might not be the best place for it - in which case he might well need his own place.
I might be wrong here, as there is little information to go on, but the five year old sounds distressed and possibly troubled - I would guess due to what she has seen and heard from her parents. She is very little herself and needs help. You, however, are unlikely to be best placed to give it - even if you do take on a step mum type role - you will doubtless be told to butt out! Lots of assumptions here but I would tread very carefully as your son and baby could get caught up on a lot of disfunction that you cannot solve. I feel for the five year old, but, unless your partner and the mother can sort out issues, I think there is little you can do.
At five, she's too young to understand the nuances of the difference between adult relationships, such as boyfriend and girlfriend and husband and wife.
Shit, at that age I thought if you kissed someone you had to get married, it was the law.
It's natural that the setup has thrown up lots of questions for her, at five. I'd encourage her to go to her dad with those sorts of questions rather than the three year old, but she is really too little to understand it might be confusing for the three year old.
I think it's quite sweet they were in bed whispering away together - as step siblings (or potential step siblings, or whatever) it's nice they get along.
It doesn't sound like she's done anything terrible (although I'm not sure five year olds can do anything terrible maliciously anyway).
If you're really unhappy with her being in the 3 year olds room, you either need to move the baby into yours, have her in your room, or have 3yo in your room. The alternative is not having her overnight at all, and if your dp is living with you (not clear from your post) that seems like a terrible thing to do and could potential damage his relationship with his daughter, his ex and ultimately you if he resents it.
I ask pepsi because it's clear this child has not had an established relationship with her DF and his new partner that they have a child together and this little girl has stayed 3 times in total and the op has already had enough of her behaviour she's 5
Why has she only stayed three times.
She sounds like a normal child. It's you who is the problem.
And what would you propose she do stary, send her baby back? Who knows who's child it is, it may very well be from her ex-partner. What is clear is that the baby exists, I can never understand why people say things like "well you shouldn't have had another child" why do you have this baby - seems utterly pointless to mention this when a person is pregnant or the baby already exists, right or wrong it is not going anywhere and the OP's in these situations don't need to be "told off"
Op has vanished so never mind hopefully she will figure it all out herself
Of course she can't send the baby back. The 5 year old can't be send away, either. At least not without losing her dp. From the little information in the op, this girl was not doing anything unusual for a 5 year old and if this is all it takes for OP to be really not comfortable with her being there, then this stepfamily is a non-starter. Pushing out a 5 year old like that would be very ugly.
I half expected a thread called "Can't handle partner's daughter" to be about a teenager on drugs trashing OP's house and threatening her babies. I was taken aback finding it was about a tiny child being cuddly and chatty with her stepbrother and slightly lost.
You seem to be viewing her as older than she is 'not her place' to put things in his head?! She's not putting stuff in his head deliberately! The talk about marriage is normal childish stuff. The knickers could just be her being uncomfortable sleeping in them because she doesn't normally.
Oh poor girl - she's only 5!
This must be very confusing for her.
If you really don't feel like you can make an effort then you have to call time on this relationship. It's pretty clear you don't want her around.
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