Help with step daughter being horrible

[cara0463]

Sounds like a really nasty subject! Me and my other half are a very modern family shall we say. We both had a child when we met (my little boy was one his little girl was 5). We now have a 2 year old together and another on the way. My step daughter has never been the most accepting of me and my son or of her new sister. Her mum is a bit of a head case and poison's her mind. Anyway..my little boy doesn't see his biological father and has always called my partner dad and sees him as nothing other than his dad. We have told him the truth..I believe in honesty with children. And he still has contact with biological fathers mum and family ect. Lately my stay daughter has been getting a lot worse with the way she treats my two children. Constantly telling my little boy "I hope you know he'll never be your real dad" and telling me "my mum said she'd still be with my dad if it weren't for you" (they separated years before) she talks to me and her dad like absolute trash and is generally turning into not a very nice person. Any advice on the best way to deal with this all?

[Oswin]

How much time does she spend at your house?

You are saying she's horrible but can you really not see what her problem is?

[howtodowills]

Ugh. How horrible for you and your son OP.

How old is she?

Does she see her dad a lot? I guess the "he'll never be your dad" is born from her own insecurities.
Has her dad discussed all this with her?

[VioletBam]

How old is she now and how many nights a week is she at your house?

[GoldFishFingerz]

I would just be very patient loving and attentative because she clearly feels rubbish and its inflamed by her mother

[howtodowills]

Try the love bombing for sure but if it doesn't work protect yourself and your DCs... My SD has been love bombed for the best part of 2.5 yrs and is still a spiteful child and has almost caused me a breakdown in the process. DON'T make yourself responsible for her behaviour.

Your DP needs to talk firmly to his ex too

[swingofthings]

She's clearly jealous and that's understandable since she suddenly had to learn to share her dad with two other children, who get more time and attention from him than she does. How much time does he spend with her only when she comes to visit or is everything done all together as a family?

[Starryeyed16]

Is it fair to say things have moved fast op? I wouldn't like it if a child called my DF dad so I get her insecurities, I would try to discourage it she may feel by him calling her DF dad that you are all united but she being the one who doesn't live there isn't apart of your family. I agree with pp advice adding afurther two small children wouldn't of helped if she's already massively insecure of your DS

[GoldFishFingerz]

Does she Get any time alone with him

[cara0463]

She comes every weekend and we love bomb the hell out of her haha! She comes on all family days out, comes round for tea through the week. It's her mum who is the issue. She constantly slips up and tells us things her mum has said about us. About how we love the other kids more or we treat them better. I'm constantly being made to be evil step mother but by the ex not the child. My step daughter has told us she would love to live with us (mum has New bf every other week) but then acts to her mum like she hates it here because she knows that's what she wants to hear

[cara0463]

She's 9 x

[cara0463]

She gets lots of time alone with him. I always encourage him to have special time for just him and her. She is very spiteful. We have her all day Saturdays. We don't have her overnight anymore as I had to safeguard myself as she was telling lies about me being really horrible to her (that's only been recent, we had her every fri-sun for first 3 years)She hits my son and tells him nobody wants him. We've done everything we can to tell her how much we love her and she is part of our family even when she isn't here ect

[Starryeyed16]

I don't think the blame can lie fully at her mothers door she seems to be acting out a lot of her frustrations taking the over night stays won't help either especially when all the other DC live with you. She's had an additional sibling and one on way in such short space of time given you were in her life at 5 have a 2year old and another one soon. She is going to struggle with the current set up blended families can be hard obviously she has taken a dislike to your DS and I think the reason is that he is calling her dad dad when in truth of the matter he's not maybe she feels he has taken her dad away and now he's having a new family with his new partner. I think this little girl is playing both sides off my DS used to tell his dad all sorts because I dared to tell him off and visa versa. We have now come to realise children can be highly manipulative with split parents and sometimes it's best to take things on face value. Has she got her own bedroom and personal space?

[Starryeyed16]

Also remember you don't know what she is telling her mother and she maybe reacting what she's been told it can be a minefield.

[Lunar1]

I can see exactly why she is saying these things. She's a child who never gets to stay with her dad anymore and has been effectively replaced by your children. She needs to be part of the family not sidelined when things get tough. What if your dh decided your ds couldn't stay anymore?

[RaeSkywalker]

I understand how awful this is for you, but I do feel sorry for your DSD. From her point of view, your DS gets to live with her Dad full time, and now other children have arrived to 'replace' her. My cousin has been really damaged by a similar experience as a child- going round to her Dad's every weekend to see 2 other little girls calling her Dad 'Daddy'. She feels like she doesn't quite belong anywhere.

I think all you can do is be supportive and loving, and make sure she feels included. Make sure she has lots of alone time with her Dad too (sounds like you already do this).

[cara0463]

I didn't decide she couldn't stay anymore her dad did as she was telling vicious lies. We have always done everything we can to make her feel no different to the other children as in our eyes she isn't. But it doesn't help when her mum tells her I ruined her family and my partner is a horrible dad (we have witnessed her say these things) her not staying have been a very recent thing because of the lies she has told

[Lunar1]

But she's 9. If one of your children told lies where would they have to go. Because not being allowed to stay in her parents home is not a reasonable or rational consequence for lying. All he dad has done is confirm to her that she is an outsider and not part of her dads family.

[ImperialBlether]

Did her dad live on his own at any point after his relationship with his ex ended? When did it end in relation to her?

[cara0463]

Yeah he lived alone for 3ish years

[Oswin]

So now she can't even sleep over.
Wow. How can you not understand what's wrong with this poor kid.

[cara0463]

Ended on his little girls first bday when he walked in on her sleeping with somebody else

[ImperialBlether]

I think that your husband needs to talk to her about how the marriage ended. Not about walking in (how horrific for him) but to remind her that he hasn't lived at home since she was one and that he and her mum were never going to get back together even before he met you. It's just not fair that her mum is treating you as though you were the OW, particularly given her own behaviour.

[QuiteLikely5]

What a despicable mother who can do these things to her child. Imo that is where the blame lies.

Your dp needs to have a frank discussion with her. It's best he threatens never to see his daughter again so at least that way her mother can't emotional damage and abuse her every time she's been for a visit!!!

[cara0463]

I fully understand how to an outsider it can look like we're the big baddies stopping her from staying but we have to be so careful. The lies were horrific and I have children and I also work with children. Her mum is a waste of space and we always used to have her with us a lot more than we did now. My partner and myself work very hard to provide our family, including my step daughter with a nice life and it angers the mother who has another child now by somebody else (no longer with him) and jumps from man to man and has no job or career (not that I'm judging that at all, each to their own) so she tries to make our lives as hard as she can. Step daughter is not a nice child as she is a product of her mother and it really rubs off on the other children. She has always joined us on holidays, has her own things in the house and we got her a phone so we can talk to her when she's at home. But her mum sold it on us for money. I know it's hard on her and my heart breaks for her being dragged up by her mum the way she is but surely I have to think about myself and my own children too?