AIBU to be cross about DH pandering to DSD, or a witch?

(12 Posts)
steppinstone Fri 16-Sep-16 09:19:35

That's it really... DH does EVERYTHING for DSD; all laundry, cooking, cleaning, wakes her up in the morning, makes her lunchboxes, collects her from everywhere at a drop of a hat. etc. He won't leave her alone in the evening because she doesn't like being on her own.

She has no friends - but I think these things are related: she is so 'entitled' and dependent and she gets cross with people for not 'obeying' her.

I am sick of it. I am refusing to cook for her and clean for her any more - I just leave them to it. It makes me dislike DSD and think DH is just a sap.

She is depressed - because of her lack of friends mainly - and is seeing CAMHS. So I think DH feels that he needs to look after her. But I just see it all as enabling more and more infantile dependent behaviour which makes her more and more unpleasant.

AIBU or a witch? Frankly I would like to like in a nice witchy cavern on my own at the moment.

DSD is 18.

steppinstone Fri 16-Sep-16 09:21:29

She lives with us full time - and I have younger children. Her mother has said she can't bear to be with her so has 'detached'. I know this just adds to her sense of wanted to be loved/neediness.

HuckfromScandal Fri 16-Sep-16 09:21:35

Wow, no wonder she's depressed
Such an understanding stepmom!

ameliesfolly Fri 16-Sep-16 09:23:52

Her own mother says she can't beat to be with her?? Wow that is shocking. No wonder she is depressed. I agre that you DH should be helping his DD to grow up and become more independent, but equally it sounds like she is in a bad place. Acts entitled but has no friends, mother shuns her. No wonder she's leaning on her dad so much.

wayway13 Fri 16-Sep-16 09:27:48

She's 18?? No, YANBU. DH is not doing her any favours.

steppinstone Fri 16-Sep-16 09:32:32

I find it VERY difficult when I have other children who will contribute, clean the house etc. but she will not doing anything because 'Daddy wouldn't make me' - and I am consequently the bad guy. Every. Day.

My nine year old will even make her cups of tea when requested and then wash up after her. Because she is 'scared of the hot water'.

Seriously, I might be a witch but I am at the end of my patience.

Lunar1 Fri 16-Sep-16 09:33:50

Has this got worse recently? Because it would drive me mad, was their relationship like this when you married him.

It sounds like they may have got themselves into a catch 22 with her depression and his response. The more he does the less independent she becomes and the less independent she is the worse her mental health problems will become.

The mothers response is shocking. But I don't think I'd want my younger children thinking this was a normal thing. How does your dh envisage helping her mental health? Are the things he is doing being advised by CHAMS because he really needs to follow their advice.

ijustwannadance Fri 16-Sep-16 09:41:02

She clearly has issues but he isn't helping her in any way by pandering to her behaviour.
By acting younger and being needy and childlike she is being given the attention that she obviously desperately craves but it needs to stop for her sake.

Her mother is a twat.

steppinstone Fri 16-Sep-16 09:42:55

DH seems to think she will leave home and it will all be magically fixed. hmm

She won't let CAMHS involve the family at all, because her referral is largely about her thinking she might be a man which was the final straw with her mother. I think it is more a symptom than a cause, however.

I don't doubt she is messed up. We have tried everything - counsellors, therapy, family therapy, camps, but she refuses to engage with any of it for more than a couple of sessions. She likes CAMHS because it has a certain 'kudos' with her peers.

Yes he has always been like this with her and I think he is causing a lot of her problems.

NNChangeAgain Fri 16-Sep-16 10:07:00

It makes me dislike DSD and think DH is just a sap.

Does your DH know how you feel
about him as a consequence of his behaviour regarding his DD?

That might be the wake up call he needs. It's easy for him to carry on doing these things for his DD because there are consequences (from her) if he doesn't but no consequences - as far as he knows - if he does.
By highlighting that he can either pander to his DD or retain your respect, but not both, he can at least make an informed choice.

steppinstone Fri 16-Sep-16 13:15:55

> Does your DH know how you feel

Yes he does. But in his heart of hearts, he thinks he is doing the right thing. That's what so difficult. If he had doubts about it, it would be easier. He thinks because he loves her, he is demonstrating this by doing everything she asks. He doesn't think that becase he loves her, he should be showing her how to be independent. Because she is so resistent to that, he won't ask it.

MrsJayy Fri 16-Sep-16 13:22:16

I think i would have to re consider my relationship pandering to 1 persons whims is detrimental to the whole family depressed people manage to live life without snapping their fingers and everybody attends to them your dh is not helping her 1 bit it sounds really stressful

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