DH struggling to tell DSS's our unplanned baby news

(19 Posts)
TheNewWife Fri 16-Sep-16 05:42:46

Hello all,
Me and my DH are pregnant with our first baby. We didn't plan to have kids and I have always been very open about that, however, we have been 'caught by a little surprise' and have decided to continue.
DH has two boys in their early 20's, they're very lovely and I get on with them well. My DH is 19 yrs my senior so I have more of a 'big sister' relationship both DSS.
DH is really struggling to tell them about our news. Ultimately I think they'll be fine, a bit shocked as Its unexpected, but they don't even live in the same country as us, so the impact on their lives is minimal.
Any tips for sharing the news?
Maybe worth mentioning that the ex wife is a nightmare. She left DH for another man but then took the serious huff when he got with me, maybe as I am so much younger? We've also heard recently that she's been trying for a baby with her new partner so I'm thinking she will strop again when she finds out I've fallen pregnant without even trying

hesterton Fri 16-Sep-16 05:46:08

Be prepared to be the baddie.

I think he just has to tell them, stressing that it is both of you who have decided to go ahead with the baby.

Good luck, congratulations and I hope your pregnancy goes well!

TheNewWife Fri 16-Sep-16 06:03:39

hesterton be prepared to be the baddie with DSS's? The ex? Or both lol?
Thanks for replying, all going well so far. Aside from tiredness I'm practically unscathed!

swingofthings Fri 16-Sep-16 07:50:16

How far along are you? I expect it's not his son he has an issue sharing the news with but his ex. Maybe because regardless of what has happened, he remembers that once upon a time, he loved her and cared about her feelings and that he knows how much the news is going to hurt her.

I left my ex after years of frustrations and him treated me badly. It was a last resort when I had to accept that he would change his behaviour with me. He got with someone much sooner than I which I had no problems with at all obviously. Then met my OH and I got pregnant immediately against all odds which brought massive happiness (he didn't have children). Unfortunately I miscarried. We then tried and tried but without success until we were told that it would be unlikely that it would ever happened naturally.

It's at the time of the news that my ex informed me that his partner was pregnant and yes, it hurt like hell, although in my case, it was mixed with the fact that both were out of work, relying full on benefits, him having never paid maintenance, and it just seemed totally unfair that in this situation, with already 4 children between them, they would get pregnant when OH didn't.

We've moved on, it never happened to us but it's funny how life goes as we both now are actually relieved that it didn't happen as we are now really enjoying our independent life as my kids are getting older, but these years of trying to get pregnant and finding out that everyone else was will remain as a very painful stage of my life.

Just telling you this because your post does come across as bit like self-satisfying that you got something that she desperately wants. Your OH is actually a good man if he is taking into consideration how it will make her feel. I expect he hopes that she will get pregnant soon so that when he can't hide yours any longer, she'll be fine with the news.

JacquettaWoodville Fri 16-Sep-16 07:56:31

There's no need for the ex to hear you got pregnant without even trying.

I think your DH should tell his kids the next time he speaks to them and let his ex know straight after.

Congrats

JacquettaWoodville Fri 16-Sep-16 07:57:48

Also, who told you she was trying for a baby?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Fri 16-Sep-16 08:00:13

If the kids are in their 20's why does he have to say anything to the ex? They are grown ups it's not like they are young children.

He needs to just tell them and be honest with them, it wasn't planned but we are happy about it and we hope you will be too. The longer he puts it off the worse it will be

WannaBe Fri 16-Sep-16 08:17:11

Is it possible he is actually struggling with the fact himself?

Having grown-up kids who have already left home and looking at one's independence, I imagine it would be a bit of a shock to realise that he was starting all over again with the baby stage.

I think if my child were in their twenties I would struggle to come to terms with having another baby even if I had decided to proceed with the pregnancy.

And why are he and his ex so invested in each other's lives? The kids have left home, it seems completely inappropriate that he should worry about telling her or even need to tell her, and on the flip side why does he know that she is trying for a baby? TBH that side of things would concern me more than telling the kids, and I would be worried that they were still too emotionally invested.

JacquettaWoodville Fri 16-Sep-16 08:21:12

By the OP's mention of the ex "Stropping again" I assumed they were still in contact.

WannaBe Fri 16-Sep-16 08:30:52

Exactly, but if the kids have left home they surely don't need to be? That's not to say they shouldn't, if relationships are amicable then there's no reason not to be. But as it sounds as if the relationship isn't amicable I don't see any reason for the ex to have any input into his life choices at this stage, and neither would I want to know if she was trying for a baby, and would wonder why he needed to know that.

It's a different matter if there is e.g. Change to maintenance involved or if the children are still young. When my eXH's DP fell pregnant eXH texted me to tell me because he suspected there might be some fallout on DS' part, but once the kids have left home they're the only ones who need to be told. They can choose to tell their mum, and probably will, but I wouldn't be expecting responses from her...

JacquettaWoodville Fri 16-Sep-16 08:37:54

That's a fair point.

My aunt and uncle got divorced and he went on to have more kids when my cousin was 20 or so. I think it was fairer for him to tell my aunt than let my cousin do it, but they weren't at daggers drawn

swingofthings Fri 16-Sep-16 08:50:53

Maybe the relationship is amicable and OP doesn't like it? Who knows, but I expect if the sons are abroad and therefore won't be impacted by it at all, it has nothing to do with them but indeed the ex.

Unless of course he is just embarrassed.

NNChangeAgain Fri 16-Sep-16 09:08:56

Telling your 20-something year old sons that your wife is pregnant is going to be an emotional struggle for most men. The DCs may still be at an age where the thought of their dad having sex, with anyone, is disturbing grin

But, like pp, I don't see what this has got to do with the ex, and certainly don't understand how you know she's trying for a baby. Someone is blurring boundaries - and with a baby on the way, they need to be redrawn, quickly.

TheNewWife Fri 16-Sep-16 11:06:01

Thank you all for your input.
My DH is totally not struggling with the news, he's over the moon. He's also in minimal contact with the ex, only if it's something important to do with the boys. This is genuinely only a post about how to tell them I'm pregnant. We have no intention of informing the ex, but we know the boys will (no reason for them to hide it, we won't ask them to specifically tell her but neither do we expect them to have to hide it) and it's the backlash of that we're dreading (for their sakes, not ours - she demanded they spend Xmas with her because they were at our wedding for goodness sakes)
It's regrettable that I've come across as self-satisfying, but even without being told, his ex will know this wasn't planned. We've been in each other's company socially for the boys birthdays etc and it's genuinely no secret that I didn't plan to have kids. I won't announce it though, she can just suspect (along with everyone else!)
I have a good friend who works in the same company as the ex and she's heard her discussing trying for a baby with colleagues who are pregnant etc.
To reiterate, has anyone got step kids who are older and they've broken such news to them?
Thanks again smile

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Fri 16-Sep-16 12:25:27

I have dsc who are 13 and 18 and ds who is 17 months and I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant. We just told them in a factual way and said we were there if they needed to talk. Because they are teenagers DP then text ex to tell her, predictably she kicked off but we just ignored her.

paxillin Fri 16-Sep-16 17:04:54

I bet his worry is the same as it would be if you weren't their stepmum. And their horror will purely stem from knowing dad and stepmum are having sex. I find the 'I'm pregnant' conversation a little bit awkward whoever I have it with. Just tell them over a glass of wine.

swingofthings Sat 17-Sep-16 08:05:27

Horror of mum having sex when you're in your 20s? I would have thought by that age they would have grown from this stage.

I still don't understand what backlash you would be worried about. They are adults, they live abroad, what influence can she possibly have that will have such a detriment to your life?

I think you are making too much of it. Maybe your OH doesn't want to say anything because he is worried that something could still go wrong. How far along are you?

paxillin Sat 17-Sep-16 18:46:31

What? I'm in my 40s and my mum had sex once to conceive each of her children as far as I'm concerned.

Workinzzz Sun 18-Sep-16 08:09:27

We have recently told my 13 yr old DSD that we are expecting baby no2, which was also unplanned. She took it badly initially but then was upset she took it badly, teenage hormones and a bit of worrying that she will be left out. She is fine now. She told her mum instantly by text so we didn't need to, nor have there been any other discussions with DH's xDP on the subject, I don't expect there will be unless DH is due to collect DSD during delivery.

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