She wants me to be a weekend dad

(69 Posts)
iamdad Mon 12-Sep-16 23:20:58

I'll set the scene. My gf and I have been together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old boy. We don't live together as we can't afford it and live 5 minutes from each other at our parents homes. We both have a child each (8yo) from previous.
Her daughter lives with her full time and my son with me 3 nights a week. Meaning on those 3 nights I have to leave at 7pm to take him back for bed and stuff.
It's far from an ideal situation but we don't have much choice.
She has had pnd and other issues which have been a real struggle and how she gets up in the mornings sometimes is a miracle.
She hates my exw, which is fair enough, but she's very very bitter and resentful to my son. To such an extent that she says his presence as part of our family is killing our relationship. She wants me to see him at weekends only or even less, her daughter sees her dad just one night a month.
She hates that I take my son to school (with her and my stepdaughter) on he days I have him. Refuses to let me give any time to him or do anything for him. Hates hat I do most of the homework with him instead of his mother.
She think his mother should do everything and me nothing.
I know this paints a poor picture of her but she's a very loving and beautiful person but she has so much anger and resentment towards my son now. She wants me to cut my time down to 2 days with him.
I don't know if that's reasonable or not?
I don't want to be a weekend dad to him or my youngest (should we not get through this).
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Blondieblondie Mon 12-Sep-16 23:36:24

I can't believe the questions I read on here sometimes.

How can you even love a woman like that?

Get rid. And be prepared to fight for your youngest.

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 12-Sep-16 23:40:10

she's a very loving and beautiful person

Nope.

She's being vile to and about an 8yo child. She is not a beautiful person.

You need to stand up for your son. How on earth you thought it reasonable to create a child with such a person I do not know. Protect your son. Keep him away from this person. Your 2 year old will need your help too.

Stevefromstevenage Mon 12-Sep-16 23:48:50

You are a good Dad. Do not let her ruin that.

iamdad Mon 12-Sep-16 23:49:45

I should say more before any other comments come in.
She struggles immensely, with her depression and disorder and has raised pretty much single handedly a very beautiful young girl. She has begged me to be there with her in the evenings that I have my son, because she can't cope with two children there. I now have our boy with me in the evenings maybe 4 nights a week.
She didn't used to be resentful and angry. She says it's the way I've treated her and how I act as if I'm my sons mother and father that gets to her.
I know almost nothing I write will make her sound any better, but she is better. When she's happy and she can cope everything is fine, but now every Sunday, when my eldest comes into my care she changes.
My main question was, that with her depression and other problems, and her pleading with me that she can't cope with two kids on the evenings I can't be there, is it fair for her to say I should have my eldest one day less a week?
Thanks.

bluebellsparklypants Mon 12-Sep-16 23:50:44

Sorry to say but agree with pp
Is she jealous of the time you spend with your DC? Your child's the innocent party in this and needs his fathers love now and forever. Whatever her problems are she shouldn't project that on to a child. If you don't say anything your enabling her to carry on on this disturbing path

bluebellsparklypants Mon 12-Sep-16 23:55:50

...you could possibly try temporarily having your child one less evening a week if you think it would be of help but do you think she's using emotional blackmail to get you to do this? Can her parents help out?

meandthreehappyascanbe Mon 12-Sep-16 23:57:39

Is she getting help with her depression? First and foremost you need to look after the children and protect them. If you cN help her then great but she needs to get help and she should also be aware of how unacceptable attitude is towards your efforts to be a quality dad. Children can read people and it won't be helping your son if she feels this way.

If she is struggling with the children can you not take both children to your house for the odd night and give her a break. Sounds like she needs serious help, Nhs mental health system is short of funds but if you really push then she will get more support. Health visitor etc.

Blondieblondie Tue 13-Sep-16 00:00:16

You're right, nothing you say makes her come across any better. Your priority is your children. If she can't cope with two kids, even if due to her health, then you become the main career for your youngest son. You don't reduce contact with your eldest. She is going to do irreparable damage to your relationship with him. You've proven you have what it takes to be a good dad. Don't ever let anyone change that because nothing else in life comes close to how important that is.

iamdad Tue 13-Sep-16 00:01:54

Yes she jealous, and angry and resentful, that I'm not with her and her daughter and our son.
I do stand up for him and me and we argue and fight about it every week. On Sunday's when he's with me we all go out together as a family and on mon and tues evenings we have dinner together before I have to leave at 7. I don't spend lots of free time with him or even quality time. He gets showered and ready for bed on those nights.
Her mum makes life at hers very difficult and she copes very poorly with stress and pressures and life in general.
I haven't always treated her how I should have, especially at the beginning and when she was pregnant.

JasonDerulo Tue 13-Sep-16 00:02:28

Deeply, deeply unfair yes. Support her more if she's struggling, but you can't sacrifice your son for this. He should come first.

WannaBe Tue 13-Sep-16 00:04:03

There's only one answer for anyone who demands that their partner reduce the amount of time they see their own children: "The door is that way."

Ultimately what she wants is for you to be a family which includes her children and your child together, but not your child. I'm afraid I know all too many couples where this happens and it only leads to resentment, both on the part of the person who is expected to reduce their relationship with the children, and the children themselves, and it further breaks down the relationship between the NRP and the ex.

Your children must come first. You need to leave her, and engage a solicitor to get 50/50 access to your child together.

As for her depression, well, depression isn't a get-out for being a bitch. She's not a beautiful person, she really isn't.

cockadoodledoooo Tue 13-Sep-16 00:04:25

Maybe you should offer to have the baby a couple nights per week regardless of when your ds is with you?
She is struggling with pnd, she clearly needs a break.

You say your both living with your own parents, can they not help and enable her some time to recuperate a few nights/mornings per week?

Having struggled with pnd, two children and a disability, I can assure you giving her those things, along with pushing for her to seek help will improve things, even if just slightly. She might appear resentful but remember she is not coping and seeing things clearly. However her illness does not come above your ds. Do not see him less, this will damage all of your relationships

Blondieblondie Tue 13-Sep-16 00:05:18

You don't make it up to her hby treating your son worse.

How would you explain it to him?

iamdad Tue 13-Sep-16 00:09:09

I do take our youngest, at least 4 nights a week now, often more. And in the holidays I had my step daughter at night too sometimes.
Her mum does help a lot, but she created a whole host of issues in her when she was a kid.
She is now getting help yeah but it's been so long in coming.
I think she does use a bit of emotional blackmail yeah, as I don't actually see how my son being there one day less would really help her, I think a lot of other things could be done and tried first. But I also know she's not joking and she is just barely coping. But I'm 100% certain that if I cut a day off I'd never be able to take it back in the future.

Seeyouontheotherside Tue 13-Sep-16 00:11:05

Your poor son. She is being utterly vile to him. There is no excuse for that. Side with your child, not the nasty woman who hates him and wants to isolate him from his dad. Don't be a fool. Protect your child and fgs don't abandon him for this toxic woman. It's bad enough that you have a kid with her as well. You're stuck with her in your life, spreading her poison until your youngest is eighteen. That's going to he hard but don't indulge, justify, excuse and submit to it at the expense of your children!!

iamdad Tue 13-Sep-16 00:13:04

Cockadoodle-

I have our son any night, doesn't matter to me if my eldest if with me or not. I had him with me for 2 weeks every evening last month.

Her mum does help with breakfast feeding him and again in the early eves, but the relationship with her mum is so broken and unloving.

stolemyusername Tue 13-Sep-16 00:14:33

You can't sacrifice your sons happiness for her selfishness. She doesn't sound a nice person, despite any mh issues she sounds nasty and controlling. If you give up one day, how long before she needs you to give up another and then it's every other weekend until you have no relationship with your son.

I would suggest that on the 3 days you have him, you also have the youngest at your mums, not at hers and spend some quay time with both of them.

BoolaBass Tue 13-Sep-16 00:15:11

I've not posted before but I think this is heartbreaking and must be so difficult for you. Just sending hugs and kind thoughts xx

cockadoodledoooo Tue 13-Sep-16 00:24:41

Stolemyusername - that's a good idea.

She needs to know that although you support her and understand she is unwell, her demands are unreasonable and out of the question. If she cannot accept this then she does not deserve you or your son.

It sounds like your living situation is very difficult and you appear to be doing all you can to help. You have to remember to look after yourself as well as everyone else.

iamdad Tue 13-Sep-16 00:32:51

I do support her, it's bloody difficult, because what she has makes her become a cow half the time. And she's just started to get help, but the nhs are slow so it's not moved much yet.
She's unwell and how she's acting isn't really who she is. But a difficult pregnancy and two years of pnd, depression and another condition has really taken its toll.
But as much as she struggles I don't think it's fair or right to say I have to see my eldest less.
Even more so considering her daughter is with her every day of the month bar one single night she stays with her dad.

Kleptronic Tue 13-Sep-16 01:05:52

Your relationship with your son did not cause her illness, and reducing the time you spend with him will not help her to recover. It will damage your child's emotional wellbeing. Do not do that to your child.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 13-Sep-16 01:09:41

What would she say if you asked her to only have her daughter only weekends? What if you said that she had to because you were recovering from depression?

I think you know the answer op. You will always regret it if you neglect your son because of this, he needs you.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky Tue 13-Sep-16 01:18:42

She wants you to choose between a relationship with your child and a relationship with her. It's a no brainer. I can't believe you have to consider what to do. You are with the wrong person if she wants you to choose

Atenco Tue 13-Sep-16 01:52:33

You have both brought children into the world and your primary job now is to protect them. I do hope this woman isn't unkind to your son. You already say that you have hardly any time alone with him and that is also important.

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