I can't live with 19 year old stepson

[hells19]

Hi
I am hoping for some advice or help as I am desperate.
I met up with my now husband in 2013 and we brought a house together in 2014 and married in March this year. We already knew each other through our sons who were friends for about 8 years.
He has two sons and so do I. My two boys live with me and they are 15 and 7.
His two sons are 15 and 19 and they lived with their mum.
To cut a long story short when we had been living together for 6 months his eldest son asked to come and live with us. My stomach sank as soon as he asked as I did not enjoy him coming for the weekend let alone living with us but I knew we could not say no. It was easier for him to get to college and his relationship with his mum had broken down completely. He hated her.
This was 19 months ago and I have never got used to him living with us. He is selfish beyond belief and hates me asking him to do things. He is into weightlifting and wants a certain diet eating certain things at certain times depending on the time of year when he is bulking his weight!
He has to be asked over and over to do the most basic things and we ask him to do nothing around the house etc.....
He has started a job and earns a decent wage.
Things have finally caught up with me and my precious husband and my relationship is now suffering as I don't feel comfortable in my own home and never have since his son moved in. It is spoiling such a special relationship and now marriage.
I don't want his son here anymore and am on the verge of asking his son to leave.
He made it clear about 5 months ago he is living here as it is convenient for his precious gym and college and now work.
I don't agree with him eating separate things to us as I work nearly full time and am not going to be cooking separate meals for everyone every night, if he gets separate things my own children start asking for separate things.
It is a nightmare and if things carry on as they are it will break my marriage up.
We do not get on, he has issues with me and has always had issues with female authority.
I heard his mother asking him 'how are things at home' the other night and I just lost it with my husband saying he can get out of this house if he is bad mouthing his living arrangements here and it is not convenient anymore for him to be here.
He is 19, earning a decent wage for his age and I want to say off you go and go back to your mums or find somewhere else to live.
My husband is the kindest sweetest man and such a caring dad that he would never ask his son to leave.
I have anxiety and stress which is now affecting my health.
I have no idea what to do.

[BadTasteFlump]

In the nicest possible way OP, this is not your problem to solve, it is your DH's...

He may be kind, sweet, caring, etc, but he needs to see what's going on under his nose and do something about it. You say he would never ask his son to leave - but why would he think it's ok for you to be suffering from anxiety because of the actions of his son?

This lad is his son so it is for your DH to talk to him. And in the mean time, why are you cooking separate meals for a grown man? He's 19, if he wants certain meals, he can buy and cook them himself!

[AndNowItsSeven]

Your dh children are always going to be the priority though not you.
It baffles me why women marry men with children when the do not want to be a step mum.

[ImperialBlether]

Being a step mum to a younger child who lives with his mum is different to being a step mum to a belligerent 19 year old who comes to live with you, though!

[BadTasteFlump]

Andnow I don't think the problem is that the OP doesn't want to be a step mum, more that her DH is standing back and letting his (adult) son treat her like a skivvy in her own home.

[LetitiaCropleysCookbook]

why are you cooking separate meals for a grown man? He's 19, if he wants certain meals, he can buy and cook them himself!

^^ Absolutely this. You're not refusing to feed him. If you make a meal for the family, and he doesn't want it, he's quite at liberty to make his own arrangements.

we ask him to do nothing around the house etc.....

This needs to be addressed by your dh. His son is an adult, and he needs to pull his weight (no pun intended!)around the house.

How do your two sons get on with him?

[cansu]

I think that you need to separate the issues. It is unreasonable to expect your husband to throw his son out. It isnt unreasonable to expect your husband to tell his son clearly to follow house rules aboyt cleaning uo after himself. If he wabts different meals fine he cooks and cleans up after himself. Maybe you need to focus on these issues rather than fixating on him leaving.

[cexuwaleozbu]

Don't cook for him, don't shop for him.
Require him to clean up after himself and treat you with respect as a basic condition of living in this house.
It has to be DH who lays down the rules and enforces them.
If he doesn't - well then you don't have a DSS problem you have a DH problem.

[MissMargie]

Your kind sweet DH has produced an arrogant selfish boy, very mysterious

[hells19]

Thanks for your replies.

Wow what mixed opinions.

I am the first to admit that I should be accepting of my stepson despite his age and the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I am well aware that I married his dad and they come as a package.

I have to say my stepson would happily cook his own meals but I won't let him as he was doing it at 9.00pm at night when my 7 year old was trying to sleep and I was going to bed and he is noisy and does not clean up properly so I put an end to it.

He just is in his own world and despite 19 months of asking him to take the whole household into consideration he still continues to do as he pleases when he pleases.

I just can't seem to get through to him that it is a family home of 5 not just him. He said a few months ago it is not an adult household and he finds that hard. Now this is because I don't want music with swear words blaring out of his phone when my 7 and even 15 year old are listening and I don't want bad language and sexual innuendos said out loud. ( and yes I know my 15 year old will have heard it all anyway)!

I know it is hard to ask opinions but I have to say we have set out rules to him for months now and he will be ok for a couple of weeks then it all slips again.

I think the fact that I know he is only here out of convenience (as his mother lives 25 mins away) makes it even harder to accept. He has a car now so could drive to work and back.

Thanks again for your opinions, I am hoping you can help me see things differently x

[BadTasteFlump]

I have to say my stepson would happily cook his own meals but I won't let him as he was doing it at 9.00pm at night when my 7 year old was trying to sleep and I was going to bed and he is noisy and does not clean up properly so I put an end to it

^ This is a perfect example of why it's not working. The answer isn't to ban him from cooking, but to tell him exactly what he has to do to clean up properly, and that he has^ to learn to do things quietly now he's living in a house with young children. And it should all preferably come from your DH, not you.

Basically your husband has to keep banging on about what the house rules are until it goes in.

[BadTasteFlump]

Don't know what's going on with all the italics there..

[hells19]

Yes but how long should we bang on about what is expected before he has to leave!
My husband told him 4/5 months ago if things don't change he will have to talk to his mum about moving back!
I think I am where I am now because he has been told over and over what is expected of him and yet it still goes in one ear and out of the other and if I am honest I think he is waiting for his dad to say you will have to go back to your mums so he can then say to his mum dad has kicked me out!
He is earning now do he could get himself a bedsit!

[ImperialBlether]

There's no reason why his mum should have to put up with him either. He should be living independently if he can't live as part of your household. Your husband needs to sort it out! Ironically his son will respect him more for that and their relationship will be more likely to be good if he leaves.

Maybe you and he could pay the deposit for a bedsit for him?

[ribtickler24]

You and your husband need to sit down and talk about this seriously. Having an adult male living with you full time is a v different proposition from children.

And he is grown up now, even if he's not acting like one. I'd say you both need to have rules for him that are consistent and charge rent.

I had the same issues with 22 y o step son who went nocturnal, wasn't working and would wake us up by cooking at 3 or 4 in the morning. Eventually decided that his mum would like to see more of him - so that got sorted. But I was at the end of my tether.

But it has caused issues between me and DSS and also my husband - who was carrying on treating him like he was 11. And the relationship has changed.

[MeridianB]

He may be the oldest but he certainly has a juvenile outlook on life. You don't want the younger ones copying his attitude.

Agree with PP who suggest house rules for him and consequences for flouting them. Your DH needs to grasp the nettle.

No separate cooking and he should have chores, especially if he doesn't pay any keep?

If he wants to cook his food at 9pm, make noise and mess and listen to sweary music then he should get a flatshare with someone else who likes doing that. If he wants to live rent-free in your home then he needs to stick to your rules.

If he's into body building, is there a chance that he's doing something daft involving steroids, which is altering his moods?

[hells19]

We do charge him rent but not enough in my eyes and that has nothing to do with my strained relationship with him.

My husband and I disagreed about the amount he pays but I backed down and accepted that I have to give and take just as my husband has to and we have to compromise.

It had crossed my mind about steroids but I don't think he uses them. I just think he is miserable because he does not get to do what he wants and he hates me asking him to do things.

As I previously mentioned he was told a few months ago if things continued as they were then he would be asked to go back to your mums (at the time he was still at college) so the consequences have already been explained to him.

Thanks for your words of comfort, I appreciate it.

[Wallywobbles]

A 19 Year old weight lifter can be bloody terrifying. Especially if they are helping it along with a bit of testosterone or whatever on the side. I speak from experience.

I'm afraid it probably is time to say to DH that you'll have to move out. But it's his problem to solve not yours. Good luck. You'll need it b

[MeridianB]

It sounds like you have done a lot of giving and DSS is good at taking. Is your DH letting you be the bad guy or is he genuinely oblivious to his son's negative points?

Is there any way you can stop asking him to do things and get your DH to ask him? I do agree that he should respect and listen to you both as it's your home too, but I would just want to avoid the hassle at this point, if it was me, and make DH step up.

How did he react when told he might have to move back to his mums? Is this is a real possibility?

[MeridianB]

Hang on Wally - why would the OP have to move out? Sod that! She works FT and looks after three children, but a moody manchild gets priority? Nooooo.

Or do you mean OP should ask her DH to move DSS out?

[hells19]

My husband is well aware of the issues and problems and is aware how it is now having an affect on me emotionally with stress and how it is affecting our relationship.
He is at a loss as to what to do. He has told me he feels if he asks his son to leave that will be the end of their relationship and he also says he knows he needs to take my feelings into account as his wife.
He really is as stressed as me.
My stepson told us his mum has said there is always a bed at hers for him so yes it is a real possibility and they are best friends again since he moved out. They were at loggerheads when he moved in with us and he hated her and I can see how their relationship was obviously at the point mine is with him now!
He is quite cunning and the last big talk we had with him about his behaviour and him not doing as we wish he turned on the tears and started saying how we don't take any interest in him etc and he feels unwanted. This has happened in the past as well, what starts out as a right things need to change talk turn into a sad crying feel sorry for me teenager.

I know that sounds really mean but it is what happens. It is all about him.

[ThinkPinkStink]

hells19 I'm not saying that your stepson isn't being unreasonable - but from your previous posts I can't really see exactly what he's doing wrong.

The only real life example is that he used to cook late in the evening which disturbed your younger child, and he has sworn/played music from his phone which is not suitable for a family house.

Do you have any other examples of bad behaviour so as we can think about how we'd deal with it if it was happening in our homes, and give you some advice?

[hells19]

And as far as how did he react when he was told you may have to move back to your mums if things don't improve a few months ago was a blank look.
He made it clear he is here out of convenience

[hells19]

If I am honest the issue now is the complete breakdown of our relationship.
It has broken down due to the constant asking him to do things over and over and his gradual lack of respect for me.
We don't like being in the same room as each other and when my husband is on shift (he works one week on one week off) I don't even want to be at home when he is there. I don't feel comfortable in my own home.

I know it is difficult to understand. What hurts me more is the fact he is well aware it is coming between me and his dad and he still does nothing to do the things we ask. I am only saying put things away, wash up his own things, tidy and clean his bedroom and watch your language etc....not much in the grand scheme of things but total lack of respect.