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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Can'r get on with ss

28 replies

Imperialleather2 · 13/08/2016 16:33

I just don't like my ss. Who is 12.

I have tried for 7 years and I just can't. There is s huge back story but ss's mother assaulted me and is a nightmare over everything. I can't separate ss from her.

Dh and I have two children together 3 and 6. When ss is here I am.gernerally miserable,pissed off and resentful.

I feel.as though I am missing out my children's childhood feeling miserable.

What do I do? How do I accept him?
Or.do.i just cut my loses and separate from.dh

OP posts:

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Cosmo111 · 13/08/2016 16:53

If you can't seperate your feelings from your SS and his mother then I would say you owe it to your DH to seperate. His son is as much equal to him as are your DC. If you felt this way why did you have children with your DH?

I'm guessing you had your first fairly quickly into the relationship if you been in this boy's life 7 years and your eldest is 6.Don't be fooled your DC will sense your feelings towards your SS as will your DH and your SS.Has he done anything for you to be resentful? Bear in mind op he would of been 6 himself when he met you and had a new half sibling on the way it must of been a big change in his life.

Fourormore · 13/08/2016 16:56

You could try working it through with a therapist, I'd go for someone who works psychodynamically in this situation.

It sounds really tough. I hope you can find a way through it.

CannotEvenDeal · 13/08/2016 16:56

You say you can't separate him from his mother's but it can't just be that.

Why do you dislike him so much? How often do you see him?

NeedAnotherGlass · 13/08/2016 17:43

Poor kid. None of this is his fault.
You should never have got married and had children with a man whose son you feel so negatively about.
It doesn't actually sound like you want to do anything about it, so I can't see a solution that involves you staying together. He's still young and it will be many years before it's likely to change.

swingofthings · 13/08/2016 18:15

What does your OH thinks? How does your dislike of your SS expresses itself and what impact does it have?

Really it comes down to whether you can be happy with your family by stepping away from the issues with the ex and just tolerating (politely) is DS. If so, maybe you can make it work, if not, then I don't see what other alternative you have but to call it to an end.

Queendowager · 13/08/2016 18:19

If you can't accept & love him as your own, then you need to stop being in that poor child's life, resent from a paternal figure can have life long effects, not just on your DSS but on your own DCs as well

Wdigin2this · 13/08/2016 18:20

I'm not blaming you for saying you don't like the child, if you can't like him.....you just can't! But, if you felt this way about him at the beginning of the relationship, it should have been a huge red flag warning you off!

LineyReborn · 13/08/2016 18:24

You're brave admitting this. I'd talk it through with a counsellor you can get on with. Just vent it.

You know you can improve this relationship. You know you need to separate various feelings.

I'm sorry you were assaulted. That's awful.

Good luck.

bloomburger · 13/08/2016 18:27

Try and see a family therapist.

Lunar1 · 13/08/2016 18:32

You are going to have to leave then. No child should ever have to live with someone who doesn't like them. Good on you for admitting to your feelings. Lots don't and everyone suffers as a result.

RandomMess · 13/08/2016 18:32

There are very few children I "dislike" but somehow I just don't warm to them at all. Very tough if it's a step child.

I would explore therapy as it would be heartbreaking to end your marriage without having tried that.

TimeforaNNChange · 13/08/2016 22:43

If you can't accept & love him as your own, then you need to stop being in that poor child's life, resent from a paternal figure can have life long effects,

There's a world between "loving as your own" and "resenting".

It is my mission to challenge any suggestion that a stepparent must love their DPs child "as their own" - it is often inappropriate, unwelcome and counter productive.

The OP would undoubtedly benefit from some support to reflect on why she can't separate her DSS from her DPs ex, but demanding that she loves him as her own is setting her up to fail.

CannotEvenDeal · 14/08/2016 01:07

I agree with Time in the sense that this is not always appropriate and depends a great deal on individual circumstances. My dss is my life and the mother/son bond that we have is extremely solid but we both always felt comfortable with this and it was never forced onto either one of us. I know that I am very lucky and most definitely in the minority of SMs.

However I think that the pp meant that there should at least be a willingness/want to love the child in question especially after such a long time.

swingofthings · 14/08/2016 08:19

I agree with you here too Time. I don't understand this 'you should love your SC as your own'. The love we feel for our children is almost inevitable. We don't make ourselves love our children, it is just there somehow.

It is not the same for children who are not ours, that's just the way it is. Some times you do fall in love with them because the 'chemistry' happens to be there in the same way you fall in love with a partner, or a friend, but you can't make it happen. It would like saying that you have to start loving all your co-worker because you spend a large amount of your time with them!

What is essential is care for them enough to for a start tolerate them, and then respect their position in your partner's life. I strongly believe you can make a step-family work with just the above, without love being there. Where it can't work is when even this is too much to deal with. Then indeed, it is never going to work and better to get out for everyone's sake.

OutToGetYou · 14/08/2016 17:11

It is my mission to challenge any suggestion that a stepparent must love their DPs child "as their own" - it is often inappropriate, unwelcome and counter productive.

Totally agree with that, and as I have never had my own how do I know how I would love them anyway?

GreenGoth89 · 14/08/2016 17:35

Family therapy. That's all I have to say. He's a kid, all kids even the annoying little shits have their redeeming features, you need to work on your thoughts around his mum not being the same as him.

HormonalHeap · 15/08/2016 18:41

I also resented my stepchildren. Sometimes it's just not black and white. My dsc were allowed to get away with nasty spiteful behaviour by dh, and still are. So I became extremely resentful, more of dh for allowing it to happen. Didn't make for a nice atmosphere. The result is that dh isn't involved in their lives on a daily basis, by proxy neither am I, and I am so much happier. Dh has accepted the situation, but it could have been so different for us all.

In your case I would absolutely second family therapy to separate the feelings you have for his mother influencing how you feel about him. Of course you couldn't love him as your own, what a ridiculous thing to say- but from experience, therapy might enable you to we him as a person in his own right and even have some empathy for him.

HormonalHeap · 15/08/2016 18:42

*we=see

FallenStar3 · 15/08/2016 18:46

That's a shame his children miss out on a relationship with their father HormonalHeap

Heavens2Betsy · 16/08/2016 11:29

There must be more to it though than just not being able to separate him from his Mum. How does he behave towards you? Is he rude to you? Does he side with his Mum and dislike you too?
My DSD is the absolute spit of her Mum in looks and certain personality traits but she is a kid and although I will never love her 'as my own' (ridiculous expectation!) I do love her and even when she's playing up I see her as a child who is doing what all children do.

Heavens2Betsy · 16/08/2016 11:30

AND another thing ... your dc are his siblings so even if you and DP split up he could still be in their lives so you can't go completely NC with him.

lookluv · 16/08/2016 13:40

Hormonal - not something I would be proud of. Two adults ahve connived to remove the unwanted children from their new life.

Poor kids.

I did not expect my DCs SM to love them. I did expect her to treat them equally with her own kids in the new home, discipline was the same for all children as were treats.

That an adult can not do that and understand some insecurities is pathetic. Mine got ignored, given food that made them ill, punished for completely weird stuff and contact with their father diminished. She won, that is what she wanted.

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Emmaroos · 17/08/2016 23:31

If you want to stay with DH then find a way to absent yourself from the household while SS visits until you have got professional help to either get over your dislike of him or learned to completely hide it. Get a weekend job, let DH go on days out, whatever it takes so SS doesn't have to be judged and disliked. His relationship with you isn't important, so better not to have it than have a bad one, but his relationship with his Dad and siblings is very important.

Emmaroos · 17/08/2016 23:34

Hormonal Your DH sounds weak and selfish. Why on earth did you marry him?
I hope you had the good sense not to have children with someone who cares about his kids so little he doesn't bother seeing them.

CannotEvenDeal · 18/08/2016 16:32

The result is that dh isn't involved in their lives on a daily basis, by proxy neither am I, and I am so much happier.

Just to highlight that this is not something to be proud of Hormonal. I agree with a pp that your husband sounds weak and you both sound selfish

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