Exs partner resenting my teenagers, how do I handle this

(20 Posts)
blackheartsgirl Sun 07-Aug-16 13:45:32

There's been some issues over the years with her not treating my kids the same as their 2 younger ones and by that I mean leaving them out of stuff, they are not allowed to stay at their house for over night stays, instead ex has to take them to his mum's and they are also not allowed to have much to do with their little half sister like they're not allowed to pick her up or cuddle her without permission.

The final straw was the other day when the kids came home from a day out with them very upset because the sm had said things about me to the kids about my financial situation and how my ds had offered me petrol money to help him get to his new job in the next town (very late finishes). I shouldn't be accepting this apparantly and I was a terrible mother who needed to sort her priorities out...and then I had a face book rant about maintenance from her saying that in her opinion her husband should no longer be paying maintenance as they were now 14 and 16 and big enough to stand on their own too feet, I was bleeding him and her family dry and I should get a back bone and support myself. Now me and my dp work, he works full time nights and I work part time cleaning. I gave up my career and we'll paid job to bring up my kids and ds 16 has aspergers and adhd which caused me to have a breakdown a few years back. She said my parenting was the cause of his issues and if she had her way maintenance would be stopped.

How do I handle her? The kids dread seeing their dad, as she is there for meals and stuff, I've never ran down their dad in front of my teens but it's so hard not too, ex just doesn't say a word when she starts which enrages my son and causes him to have a meltdown which I then get slagged off for. Please help, my kids are so miserable

iamabitnosey Sun 07-Aug-16 14:00:32

Screen shot/print her outbursts over the years, start consulting a doctor regarding the emotional effects this is having on you and have your children discuss the issues/things ow demands and says to someone. Maybe have them and yourself write a letter to your ex h explaining how damaging and hurtful her behaviour is and how you all feel. Once you can evidence you have tried to rectify the matter and it doesn't stop, contact a solicitor and stop contact completely when ow is present. If her behaviour is destructive she should not be allowed around your dc. Scheming bitch deserves a slap, however taking the strategic route will really hit her where it hurts - your husbands wallet! If he doesn't step up and realise how ow behaviour is hurting your dc then he doesn't deserve their time, however if they also don't see him that gets you extra money through csa??

cannotlogin Sun 07-Aug-16 15:46:23

Block her on Facebook for a start. Get your children to do the same. Tell them to say 'because your ranting about our mum is unacceptable' should she ask why. Get them to repeat it again and again. Ultimately, they are old enough to vote with their feet - they may need to do that to get your ex to see the bigger picture.

Why these women marry men when they can't cope with their past is beyond me.

Summerholidayfatigue Sun 07-Aug-16 17:24:41

She is vindictive! And I say that as a step mum. How dare she.

You are completely entitled to protect yourself and your children. It's a good idea to keep evidence of all of her rankings in one place. If you can, build a virtual wall around you and your children.

Block her Facebook. Tell your kids truthfully that it is not good behaviour to criticize another parent. Tell them that you do not do this about her, and talk to them in general about relationships.

Be open about what you are doing, and guard against the temptation to slag her off back. Get the support of friends. If there is any good relationship between you and your EX, talk to him about this.

Good luck. flowers

blackheartsgirl Sun 07-Aug-16 18:51:18

I've tried talking to the ex as without her around he's more open and reasonable but for some reason he's never alone anymore but I hit a blank wall when it comes to her, it's so weird when they were first together she seemed really nice but as soon as she had her little girl she changed, her oldest isn't my exes.

She even messaged me once to demand what exactly I spent the maintenance money on confused

She isn't well liked within the exes family. Dd confided in her aunt yesterday about the situation (exs sister) and there has been some issues there too but I'm not getting involved with that.

I have blocked her on facebook and ds has told his dad today that they no longer wish to see her only their dad which he's not happy about but hey

I'm a step mum myself and I know that sm behaviour isn't right but she's one of these women that has lot of friends and hangers on, we all live in the same largish village and share mutual friends which is so awkward. I'd never ever treat my sdaughters like this or slag off their mum even if I don't see eye to eye with her.

iamabitnosey Sun 07-Aug-16 19:00:15

Do your mutual friends ever mention anything? I would not discuss with ppl in village in general, you shall then be the bigger person.

Does she not receive maintenance for her eldest child?!! I guess it may be a sore point with her? Either way she has to understand she married used goods! and she should treat you/Dec as she would want her own Dec to be treated. What a tool!

blackheartsgirl Sun 07-Aug-16 19:17:05

No she receives no maintenance at all from her ds dad. He has no contact at all with his son and she said that she never expects him to pay and why should he, she does all the hard work bringing him up, she sees it as a sign of weakness asking the dad for money. Strange woman.

I never discuss it with our mutual friends but I know that some of her happily married friends agree with her, they don't like the fact I live in a council house. Which boils my piss cos ex put me there in the first place after he ran off with a 16 year old school girl 12 years ago and we lost our mortgaged house.

CannotEvenDeal Sun 07-Aug-16 19:44:12

That's disgusting, I really feel for you. Document everything as a pp said.

Your finances are none of their bloody business, council house or mansion!

My husband and I have court-ordered residence of his son from his first marriage. His ex and her husband have maintained that no children support should be paid because we earn higher wages than them. hmm

Her second husband never gave dss the time of day and he was banned from staying with his mum. He too was miserable for a while but now they've both said that after several years of no direct contact with dss, I should adopt him so that they can officially be a child-free couple and then try for their own baby. They said that it is in his best interests because I can love a child who is not biologically mine but her husband cannot and they will not contest it if I apply confused

iamabitnosey Sun 07-Aug-16 19:59:26

16??? Wow what a guy! How did his and the child's family take that? Hang on, she also has another child, how old was she when she had him? Or is this a new woman?

She is clearly bitter that her child's father doesn't want to know and to make herself feel better, she tells herself it is a weakness. Silly girl!

wheresthel1ght Sun 07-Aug-16 20:38:19

I am a step mum and to be honest I despair at my dscs mum - she is awful to the kids, I have no idea what the money do gives her goes on because it isn't on things the kids need like shoes or clothes. They live in her bf (om) house so no mortgage etc. However, I would NEVER say anything to the kids I rant on here instead and I would never stop the kids having a relationship with their dad or my dd - she is their sister there is no "half" in this house. They are her brother and sister.

I am not sure what you can do though. If your ex won't listen/hear you then printing out the comments/rants might be the only option. Are your kids confident enough to tell their dad how they feel themselves?

Although I have to say, if your ex gave a toss about his kids he would be standing up to his partner instead of letting her railroad him

blackheartsgirl Sun 07-Aug-16 22:18:22

She had the same argument about the maintenance being spent on clothes and shoes..it doesn't work like that, theirs goes towards keeping a roof over their head, food, electric and rent, clothes and shoes are second. She really really hates this but she doesn't get it. My partners maintenance goes towards a similar thing in his exes house and I understand that.

It's a different partner Iamabitnosey. The 16 year old girl lasted 8 years, this is the newest relationship.

I am very close to my stepdaughters, I have 2 younger dds and they have been involved with them since they were born which is how it should be, it makes me mad to see how my teens are treated.

I will start documenting everything she says and does, I really have done my best with the kids, it's not been easy with ds disabilities and coping with my own mental health, my kids are not neglected by a long shot. Why am i trying to defend myself sad

My ex never says one word. He rarely joins in the slagging off but thinks ds offering me some of his wages for petrol is terrible and shows how disorganised and chaotic I am, truth is money is extremely tight at the moment and I can barely afford petrol money fpto my own job let alone ds. They both are on good wages, far better than mine, yet it's a tiny amount he pays, I've never asked for more

wheresthel1ght Sun 07-Aug-16 22:36:37

Sorry I wasn't having a dig at you re the maintenance I was just trying to explain that in some cases it doesn't go to what the kids needs - like I say my dscs mum has no overheads so to speak. If she did I totally get that the money would and should go to keeping a roof over their heads etc

If your son expects/needs a lift to his job then I think it is fair and understandable that he pays you petrol money - in fact the mere fact he has suggested it shows that you have done an amazing job in raising such a thoughtful young man!

Don't rise to anything she comes out with, at most reply with "this is none of your business" and ignore her.

blackheartsgirl Sun 07-Aug-16 22:56:06

It's fine wheresthel1ght, it's probably me just being oversensitive. Yes ds for all his troubles is a thoughtful, considerate lad who just wants to start earning money before he starts college in September. He keeps on saying he can contribute to food and electric too but I said petrol is fine smile

I'm all for giving my kids a good work ethic, they see what it's like to be skint and how much we struggle. We've always said rent comes first and in their own way they want to help, I just can't see why she has a problem with that

smilingeyes11 Sun 07-Aug-16 23:08:08

If he isn't paying the right amount could you go via CMS - if you are struggling why shouldn't he pay the right amount? And contributing to petrol sounds like a very grown up and responsible thing for your DC to do, it certainly does not reflect badly on you - quite the opposite I think!

And as for her, well she sounds bloody vile. And your DC now being old enough to tell their father what they want - well if he doesn't listen he may well end up losing time with his own children over that dreadful woman. Stupid silly man.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Mon 08-Aug-16 03:26:09

Maybe your ex and partner would be better off if she bothered to get maintenance for her eldest child, instead of demanding that maintenance to your two stops

Canyouforgiveher Mon 08-Aug-16 03:30:08

Tell your teens that they are old enough to decide on contact themselves.

Absolutely disengage from her/him/facebook etc. Just don't look or read.

Smile and say "yes indeed" when your ex complains about anything ... then move right along.

INeedAnEspresso Mon 08-Aug-16 22:53:03

She sounds like a cow, agree block her and make sure you block her. I would talk to you ex about her and how you feel.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 09-Aug-16 09:43:25

I agree with can you forgive.

But I really wanted to say your oldest DS sounds like a really fantastic kid and you should be very proud!

Wdigin2this Tue 09-Aug-16 10:03:15

Being a SM of grown DC myself, I have often found it difficult to say nothing when I see DH being totally (emotionally and financially) manipulated by DSD. But mostly I do, because I have to accept that's the way their relationship is!
However, if your EH doesn't sort out his wife's obvious dislike/antipathy/jealousy/resentment/whatever, towards you and his DC, he will quite simply lose them, they're getting to the age where they'll choose not to put themselves through this, and he will be the loser!

blackheartsgirl Wed 10-Aug-16 00:16:07

Oh he is a lovely lad. We've had our issues over the years don't get me wrong. He's sent us all the brink a few times and I've posted on the special needs board a few times under a different nn but he's doing ok at the moment. He struggles with routine and is completely hyper bit he's just spent all day replacing 4 brake pads on my car via youtube lol. Just as well as he's doing mechanics in September.

Dd is amazing too, very much like her brother but struggles with social anxiety and getting her feelings across. She told her dad that she wasn't happy with him at long last..for her birthday treat he told her to tag along as he was taking his stepson to the pictures, she felt like an after thought. But he's taken it in board and done something she wants to do.

Thank you to everyone who's contributed, I'm glad it's not me

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