Teen kids and new baby

[Eskimo16]

Hi, looking for advice on how to approach this situation. Background: my husband (we are together 4 years) has two daughters, 8 and 16 who live with their mum most of the time a fair distance away. We have them for school holidays 3 times a year. The girls are lovely and we get along well but I wouldn't say we are 'close' simply because we need more time together for that. Their mum and I don't have any relationship, not because of animosity but simply there is no need and she hasn't asked.

We are expecting our own bub in a few months and we want to tell the girls when they come over, how would you suggest we do this? Together or just my husband? At the start or end of the trip? We are low fuss people, we didn't make big deal out of our wedding either and things went well. We won't be doing a baby nursery or shower or anything like that.
How can we make the girls feel special and included throughout the next few months but not suffocate them with baby talk/make it all about baby? We will see them twice more before bub is born and then almost a month after bub is here.
We have some holidays planned with the kids and will have to add baby to the passenger list but otherwise nothing is changing.
Also, what about telling their mum via email while kids are at ours? Is that okay? Everything is usually done is email.

Thanks for your insights!

[Cosmo111]

It sounds like you've waited a long time before telling them. I would just tell them honestly but be prepared for mixed responses. Is it possible to move closer to increase contact and so they feel more involved with the family?

[Eskimo16]

Thanks Cosmo, I don't think we have waited too long, only just moving into second trimester and didn't want to say anything to anyone before. They will be the first to know.
Move isn't possible unfortunately with all our jobs. :(
Thanks for the warning about mixed responses, I know that is likely and won't put any pressure on me or them to react in a certain way.

[AddictedtoGreys]

I have a DSD and I am currently expecting my second child with my DH. We have told her about both pregnancies together and she has had questions but had been generally happy and excited about both. I would tell them at the start of the trip so if they have any questions,etc they can talk to you about it.

[LemonSqueezy0]

Congratulations! I'd tell them at the start of the trip, both you and your partner together and reiterate how they can be involved, and how you'd love them to be involved, and then tailor it to their responses from then on in... Perhaps then make sure your partner has some time alone with them, in case they have any questions or concerns they'd rather say directly to him. Hopefully he'll be able to reassure them if this is the case but at least they've had the space to express themselves. You sound really reasonable and are thinking of them so trust your instincts. I'd email the mum while they are with you, outlining what you've told the girls and how they reacted - hopefully excited and happy about it. You don't owe her it, but it's definitely the right thing to do. It will give her some time to process too (if she needs to) good luck

[swingofthings]

For one, I don't think it will come as a surprise at all with the 16yo. She is old enough to be fully aware that most people who get married when one doesn't have any children yet (especially the bride) and is still young enough to do so will becoming pregnant at some point. If anything, you are more likely to get a 'I wondered when this was going to happen'.

I think you should mention it as you would announce any good news, early enough. In any case, won't it be noticeable? No need to make a big deal of it. Make the announcement, and stick to facts and then just answer their questions. No need to mention about it not changing anything for them etc..., bring this up only if that concerns arises at some point.

Do take into consideration though that although it is a massive life changing event for you, they might not consider it so themselves, so don't be disappointed if all you get is 'oh, ok, congratulations' and then they go on wanting to talk about other things.

[Eskimo16]

Thank you Addicted and Lemon, especially on your thoughts about telling them at the start. I was going to do it at the end so as to not make it the focus of the visit but giving them time to ask questions and process with their dad too sounds good. Yes of course there will be a few days where it's just them and dad, I always try to organise some of those because I think it's important.
Yes thanks for the reassurance about emailing their mum, I have read on other threads that it's nothing to do with her but I feel differently. I think she deserves to be told as it does her impact her via kids. Good point about keeping it factual, then if they want to they can ask more. And yep, huge deal for me but I hope they dont think I will change things for them too much. Thanks for your advice.

Swingofthings, thank you for your perspective, I have heard similar things from the girls' aunty, that they will expect it but wasn't sure. I'll definitely bare in mind that this isn't a life changer for them, not should it be. But I hope somehow they all end up bonding nicely :)

[Eskimo16]

Sorry I don't know how to tag anyone in replies!!