Photos on Facebook

[Lala1980]

Hi. I have been with DP nearly 6 years. I am admittedly a bit of a Facebook addict, but always have been. DP and his ex are having communication issues and are attending mediation. Out of nowhere, DP's ex is demanding I take all photos of my step kids off of my FB. However, I have always posted family pictures (of my own family as well as my step kids) since I have been with DP so this is nothing new, so I am unsure why a) it is suddenly a problem and b) as I have DP's permission and he is their father, if she is allowed to demand this of me? There is nothing untoward in the pictures, always fully clothed, just family day trips etc. I don't want to upset the apple cart, but she doesn't seem to mind DP or his family posting pics, just me.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

It's annoying for you, I get that, but as they are having issues I think I'd just take them down for the sake of not causing any additional upset.

Maybe it's always pissed her off but mediation has given her the confidence to say it.

Maybe she is just saying it to be annoying.

Either way I would do it for the sake of moving forward with mediation.

[KittensandKnitting]

Agree with Elsa, it's annoying but you really don't want this for the children's and his sake to be dragged beyond mediation.

DP is the RP and it was a nightmare for him with a very toxic exGF, he had looked after the children for two years after she disappeared and then wanted for their security it to be "offical" (periodically she would decide she was going to take them, which despite not seeing them for two years she could legally and it was a constant fear for him, she did once do it and returned them 2 hours later as she was bored of them) she refused everything in mediation, because she "might change her mind and want them full time" if it's not sorted at mediation and she sticks her heels in for whatever reason (and she can, they always even in DP case favour the mother) you will have years of going through the court system and you really really don't want that for the sake of some Facebook photos.

DP ex moved in with her parents, gave up her job and had legal aid, DP spent tens of thousands on legal fees.

Wait for him to have his custody/PR set in stone and then block her, block anyone who socialises with her and get on with your lives.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

I would only do that if there were no pics of them on FB at all, by any family member. Block her and friends in common, don't tag anyone in them (as friends of tagged can see even if they are not your friend).

What's the next thing in your life she will dictate.

[Heavens2Betsy]

Why can she see your facebook anyway?
Block her sorry arse and then she wont be able to see any of your pictures

[SandyY2K]

She actually can request that you remove them and FB would do it if she reported it, as you aren't the parent.

I know someone who did this. Her husband left for an OW and the OW took pleasure in using their DD and herself as her profile pic. The wife contacted FB and it was removed, but the cheating hubby put the same pic on his profile as he has parental rights.

At the moment you don't have any parental rights, so I'd just remove the pics and only post of your other family members.

[Cosmo111]

It's her kids I completely agree with the mum you aren't entitled to put pictures up of her DC on the Internet your DP can on his own page. You don't know who can see them. The decision to share them should be down to mother and father. The school requires permission to post so it's the same principle. I had my ex's DW family post pics of my DS I had no clue who they are or the people on their fb. What purpose is to share them? Surely you can just have the pictures up in the family home?

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Because they are her family? You can't micro manage every aspect of your DC's lives. We live in a world of social media and she had thier dads permission. My dss post pics of my ds, as do other family members. His mum post pics of her boyfriends little girl. They are just family snaps

[Lala1980]

The hypocrisy on here is immense. On other threads step mums get flamed for not treating step kids as family or excluding them. I am not their biological mother but I am married to their father and treat them like family when they are in my home. FYI DP was divorced when I met him so I was not the OW. I agree with whoever said what else will she dictate in our lives?! How do you think the kids will feel if we are on a family day out and everyone taking pictures and we have to ask them to stand aside and not be in them? Is it not wrong that she's FB stalking me? With all my other pics she'd have to look quite hard to find ones of the kids. I personally feel she's not getting her own way in mediation so she's picking on every little thing. Sorry rant over. Bigger picture. I don't know why this woman hates me. I've done nothing but ensure her children are looked after and happy when in my home. I thought that was the right thing to do

[Lala1980]

I have nothing to hide from anyone so am loathe to block anyone. Doesn't that look suspicious?

[FeckinCrutches]

How can she see? Put your security settings in full lockdown.

[gettingtherequickly]

Block her, I did with DH ex, so she can't see anything I do or post.

You don't have to ask the kids to step to one side, just don't use those photos on FB.

I used to post pictures of the kids all the time, but now they get embarrassed (so I no longer tag them and have my posting set so that they can't see them).

[ASpiderInThebath]

Why did you post this thread to ask advice if you're just going to accuse those advising you of hypocrisy? If you've already decided to keep the pics up then why post? Or did you think everyone would agree with you?

And no, of course you wouldn't ask the children to stand aside. You just wouldn't post the pictures with them in.

Fwiw I would personally do as others have said and tighten up my security settings so that she can't see your pictures or access any of your account. But otoh if it's going to make life easier for your Dh and the children I would probably remove them for the time being.

[ChilliMum]

Post all the pictures of your day out on your dhs profile and then tag yourself so they show up on your profile (make sure the photos aré visible tô frends of people tagged in them). She gets her own way but you still get to share the pictures with your family.

[UnexpectedBaggage]

If your DP gives permission there isn't anything she can do about it. She hasn't been bothered up until now so she's probably being deliberately difficult.

Block her and carry on as you are.

[Ananke]

I would just take them down, next year she'll be on here telling everyone about the Ex's b*ch that constantly posts "family" photos that never include her children.

You can't win with these people.

[crusoe16]

What's the next thing in your life she will dictate

This ^^

I wouldn't say that if you were 6 months in but you're 6 years in.

[satinthedark]

I did not want my Exs DP ( and OW and ex friend) posting anything on social media about our DCS. There was nothing I could do about it.

I do not use facebook, instagram anything. It is not essential for life.

Mutual friends would tell me, that there was a pic showing the DCS as being happy family with her DCS. Usually with comments on how wonderful it was to be a happy blended family.

The problem with that was, that those 10second snaps hid her emotional abuse, exclusion of the kids from their father - 40+ photos on her facebook account in 4.5 yrs to cover the 28 days they actually stayed in their fathers house.

It created no end of issues for me, as mutual friends assumed everything was fine and the reality was so far from the truth, as the DCs were being exlcuded and traumatised. Eldest is now old enough and has recently, told his father that he does not give her permission to use his face and to remove all of them.

If it was essential to family life then fine but if it is an issue, surely this is one small thing that can be avoided.

Ex new I did not like it but I also knew I could not stop her.

[lotsoffreckles]

My answer to this would be what's in the best interest of the children.... parents that can communicate.

Taking photos down from you're social media profile is surely a small price to pay if you're DP and his ex can improve their communication ultimately benefiting the children and in the long run you. Now that may not be her motive only you and you're DP know that as you have the history but you could try to be a part of improving the relationship?

I have been a SM for 6 years and with every turn I ask myself how would I feel if this was my DC with another women, would I feel this is overstepping the mark... there has been a few things over the years that my DH ExW has asked that I/we didn't do and of course as their Mum I have out of respect. I now do post the odd pic of my DSD's on social media (mainly our wedding pics where they were my chief BM's) but I didn't for years as they were not my children to show off, my DH would post pics of the 4 of us but never me. Ultimately real life and the quality of it is of greater importance than the one we create for our self on our social media platforms.....

[swingofthings]

I expect there is more to it than what you've shared. You say that it has never been an issue before, so why has it become so?
Is it because she found out recently, and didn't know before? Is it because what you considered innocent pictures were not so much to her, or maybe it was a comment you made? Is it because your profile is public, or you are friends with people you hardly know and someone pointed that to her?

Really, instead of going on about your rights, how about trying to understand the reasoning behind her request?

There are clearly communication issues, and these are affecting the dynamics of the two families, so frankly, if taking these down (or alternatively agreeing not to pose any new ones) could help moving things forward, it would be silly not to make the first move towards compromising.

[SoupDragon]

How do you think the kids will feel if we are on a family day out and everyone taking pictures and we have to ask them to stand aside and not be in them?

This is a radical thought i know but, instead of your suggestion ofshoving the children to one side and making a fuss, you could just (drumroll) not put the photos on Facebook! It's even easier to do than putting them on Facebook!

[Boolovessulley]

I would remove them.

[needsahalo]

how about trying to understand the reasoning behind her request?

This is good logic. However with something like social media, I am not sure there needs to be any logic. Some people are uncomfortable with it. And I think it is possible to change your mind about it and one day like it and the next day see something on the news or be contacted by someone that makes your skin crawl or have someone say something that feels off and just decide it is no longer for you.
.
Blocking is pretty drastic if she isn't already blocked and is all about sticking two fingers up and says I don't care what you think. She is an equal parent and as such is permitted an opinion on who has access to her children.

[Chimpfield]

Truly, I really don't know why this board exists - posters asking for help/support, in the main, get flamed.

OP I totally agree with the poster who said what will she next dictate.
Block her - it won't look like you have anything to hide - you have been with your partner 6 years and you are part of the children's lives whether she likes it or not.

Similar thing happened to me - although I love facebook and use it to keep in touch with my family abroad, I (being stupid) did not check my settings and wondered why important events were sabotaged by my DH's ex's attempts at drama....... seems she was stalking my FB page and it was driving her bat shit crazy - protect your privacy and yourself from unnecessary drama.

Good luck!

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

I'd just block her account.

But then again I think mediation is shit and can be one sided. It's voluntary and it's not enforceable by law. I find it pathetic when parents pivot whole mediation/communication on irrelevant issues. My friend has gone to hell and back bending over backwards and allowing her ex to dictate orders just so she could keep the peace for her kids but it's relentless, the demands are getting silly and it's born out of pure jealousy so she has told him to take her to court.

If she is getting arsey about pics on facebook there will be something else later on down the line that you also have to adhere too.

[birdybirdywoofwoof]

Agree with soupdragon.

Is not posting photos on days out going to be a real hardship for you?