Adult step sons ... Not in work or education leaving at home

[springtime1974]

Hi everyone. I am almost at the end of my tether ... Please can you tell me if I am being crazy . Brief history : married for nearly 8 years . 2 children of our own ( aged 8 and 2 weeks old baby) ... Have had 2 step sons living with us full time for past 10 years . At present here is the situation : step son 1 is 22 and has never had a job more than a few weeks since he left school 5 years ago .. He spends his days doing what he likes , coming and going at all hours of the night . I have found a large bag of cannabis in his room and he constantly smells of the drug when he returns home late at night .He is not a bad person, he will help when I ask but he is not making any effort to get work or education . Step son 2 (just turned 18) is another story : dropped out of school last December ... Not worked a day since .he stays in bed until 3 pm , gets up and goes on his phone 24/7 and then stays up all night watching crap on to, leaves his clothes all over the bedroom floor ( which he shares with my 8 year old daughter) and never lifts a finger round the house. Has a history of going on websites to meet men for sex ( my husband actually caught him 2 weeks ago ... He was staying at my mother in laws house .. Went on Grindr and 2 men turned up outside while he had the intention of going off with them in their car, except my husband caught him in the act . He has said he doesn't care , he likes the risk and everyone does it . And all of this comes after he actually went with a guy in January and then made a complaint to the police that he had been attacked and drugged by this man... The case is still ongoing . He smokes canabis also and is now allowed to smoke cigarettes in the garden ... I detest smoking and eve n more so with the new baby .
I am reaching the end of my tether here . I have been fighting every day for the past few weeks with my husband over this situation , but it feels like he is not prepared to give either of them an ultimatum : get a job or move out !!!
I work full time but now I am on maternity leave I'm feeling like a stranger in my own home .
Is there anyone else who has this sort of issue or anyone who could advise me what to do ? Much appreciated xx.

[JessicaRabbit3]

Afew things that were alarming to me in your post , a grown man of 18 should not be sharing a bedroom with a 8 year old girl. That's not apporiate at all even if you give your DD your room and sleep on the sofa. Drugs issue on both of them is a big no no especially if you have a year 8 old who can get her hands on it. Why are the two oldest not sharing? You need to have a frank discussion with your DP about contributing to the household in chores and seeking employment or they will have to seek approiate housing. There's no excuse for slobbing it about. Final alarm bell was the fact that one of the step son is gay has no bearing on the post and he is an act and should be able to engage in adult relationships without inference.

[JessicaRabbit3]

If your husband won't address the situation I would consider taking the other DCs and find alternate accommodation

[timelytess]

Your daughter should not be sharing a room with a man. Why are you allowing this?
Two men in your house use and presumably possess drugs. This is not a safe environment for your children.
You need to get out, with your children, as soon as possible. Today would be good if you have somewhere to go. If not, start working on this now.

[mouldycheesefan]

I would ask the two grown up children to leave.
Definitely the eight year old girl should not be sharing with a grown drug taking man.
How are you living like this, it's horrendous. Shape up, or ship out would be my stance.

[springtime1974]

oh dear . I have put my own daughters well being before these 2 grown up adults haven't I ? I honestly didn't even think of it like you have said ( she is really close to both of them ) , but now I am starting to think I have been really stupid . I don't have any family or anywhere to stay at the moment . When you say tell them to leave , where do you expect them to live ? Their mum has no contact and lives abroad , so they would be homeless . I know my husband won't ever ado that to them, so it basically leaves me to make the decision on what to do for the future.

[springtime1974]

By the way JessicaRabbit, I didn't bring up my step son's sexuality as it is not relevant . .. However I don't think meeting up with strangers and telling them where you live and allowing them to come to your grandparents house and then having casual sex is NOT acceptable behaviour .

[JessicaRabbit3]

Declare them homeless and the council will have to rehouse them as harsh as it sounds they need a kick up the arse otherwise they are going to continue with their behaviour. Your DD shouldn't have to put up with it regardless how close she is which is nice btw it's not fair on either to be sharing at that age.

[mouldycheesefan]

No, you haven't put your daughters well being before the step kids it's the opposite.
Tell the step kids:
-8 year old girl needs own room so the two step kids must share

• they need to get jobs or back into education not slob around all day
  

-no drugs or casual hook ups in the house or at hones of family memebers

• they have 3 weeks to sort this or find somewhere else to live. Extensions will be given only if you deem them to be making massive effort.

[Maverick66]

I'm sorry you are in this situation op but I'm afraid I just could not tolerate it.
I would move out to rented accommodation and leave your other half to it.
You have done your best for ten years. Time to step back and look at what is best for you and your two younger children. These guys won't stand on their own two feet of their own accord. Their hand must be forced and I think you moving out will be the biggest wake up call all round.

[JessicaRabbit3]

Agree with mouldycheesefan you need to tough up.

[MeridianB]

I agree with mouldy, too.

What a horrible situation for you and your little ones.

Where does their money come from cannabis/cigarettes, phone etc?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

mouldy I assume it was a typo.

They both do need to go, I would say especially the younger, if your dh won't agree then you will need to live separately I would suggest. Even if that involves selling up and splitting the equity. You can't have your child exposed to random strangers from the Internet and open drug use.

[Lunar1]

If your dh won't do anything I'd leave and take your children with you.

[swingofthings]

I totally fail to understand how any caring parent could accept such behaviour. It is too me no better than neglect as frankly, it is endorsing ruining these young adults life as they gradually get into worse habits that they learn is acceptable, and for who each year away from being responsible is a year making it harder to change their lives.

I'm sorry but I couldn't stay with such a dismissive man. It is unfair on you, unfair on his kids. Sometimes (often) you have to be unkind to be a good parent.

[Jackie0]

I don't understand why the two step sons aren't sharing a room

[springtime1974]

Thanks everyone for all of your comments I really appreciate it . I have now decided that I'm going to do exactly what mouldy suggested ... myself and my 2 kids are going to spend a month in my family's country during August which will be the ultimatum I will give to my husband . If they haven't sorted work or education out by the time we are due to return , then I will be moving out on return .I actually have a 1 bedroom flat in London, and would just need to give my tenant some notice to move out . I have to do this for the sake of my children now ... its no longer just about my step son's .

[Cabrinha]

How on earth did you get into a situation where the 18yo man is in with your 8yo daughter instead of with his older brother?

Good that you have alternative accommodation for a month. You need to be much tougher about this.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Yes do start to think totally about your own two children and yourself. Your daughter cannot share with a man. You cannot bring up young children in a home that is being dominated by adults taking risks, bringing in drugs and having an easy ride. It will be seriously affecting the wellbeing of your household and your young children who take absolute priority.

Good luck OP, this is serious enough to take the steps that you describe and not go on living with these step sons, even if it means kicking your DP out too.

[Filosofikal]

How on earth did you get into a situation where the 18yo man is in with your 8yo daughter instead of with his older brother?

This. It's a very peculular thing to have allowed to happen. Really odd.

[springtime1974]

I feel absolutely awful now I have read the messages that express so much concern for my daughter having to share her bedroom . ... I have just been a total idiot and allowed this to happen . She actually was in her own bedroom until last summer , when the 22 year old ss took it apon himself to move into and redecorate her room . I was not even asked for permission ... basically before I knew what was happening he had moved into her bedroom and she ended up in a bunk bed sharing with the other ss .... tomorrow I'm going to put an end to it . :(

[AppleMagic]

I agree the room situation needs urgent attention. Move your dd into your room and let dh sleep in her bed if he won't support you in making your step-sons share.

[FitLikeQuine79]

My DM had a rule when i lived at home - I had to either be in education or working or I couldn't live there. Harsh I know but I've never been out of work since leaving uni, even taking shitty jobs as they were better than nothing. Your two SS need a huge kick up the arse and told they've got to start looking for work and their own place, letting them live like this is doing them no favours. And no way would I let my DD be pushed out of her room then forced to share, poor her.

[JessicaRabbit3]

Why would you just allow your older SS just take over your DD bedroom and ineffect move her out to share with her second old SB, he sounds massively controlling and demanding.

[CookieDoughKid]

Who funds the ssons lifestyles?

[Cabrinha]

Well thank fuck you're sorting the room out today.
You really are browbeaten by this 22yo that you just allow him to just take his stepsister's room!

The only "excuse" you need is to tell him that he doesn't get to decide in someone else's house. But I suppose if you want an "excuse" you could tell him that the baby is going in with her. Though quite why you've decided to have another child when you've got 4 adults in a 3 bedroom house I don't know.