AIBU to think this is inconsiderate.

(38 Posts)
HorseyGal Sat 18-Jun-16 22:37:41

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with twins, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far really but am getting quite tired & uncomfortable now. Not sleeping too well & it's starting to take it's toll!
I live with DP and we have his DS (7) and DD (9) stay every weekend.
This morning at 6am they were all up and playing cards, with the TV on in the living room (we're in a bungalow & I was sleeping in bedroom just across the hall). They were all talking & playing in normal voices, doors open, like it was the middle of the day which woke me up & I couldn't sleep after that at all. I'd probably had 4 hours sleep in between cramps & trips to the loo so I wasn't especially jovial!

When I said to DP that they weren't being very considerate this morning, it turned into a rant from DP about his children not doing anything wrong & that I should get used to it because sleep deprivation will be much worse when the twins are here. Of course I know it will be, but I said I would expect everyone in the household to be considerate of other people sleeping, whether there are twins in the house or not!
I really would expect my partner to have some consideration, especially with my current heavily pregnant status and to keep the noise down and tell my DSS & DSD to do the same!

It seems I'm not allowed to say anything 'critical' of his children without it causing an argument. We've been living together for 3 years now & I treat them as much as I can as if they're my own, we are close and I do tell them off etc as needs be, as I would my own children. I do school runs to help his ex, go to school events etc to support them, so we're really pretty lucky as blended families go, but I feel like I have no support here and his children can do no wrong at the moment!

AIBU or would you also be a bit upset by this?

bobbinpop Sat 18-Jun-16 22:46:58

I guess you treat them as you would your own children and this is normal family behaviour for most children, so I guess YABU. 6am is the daytime for kids. I imagine your DH is sensitive to this criticism as he knows that things will change massively when twins arrive and he is treasuring the time he has with the older DC before the new arrivals take over!

NapQueen Sat 18-Jun-16 22:51:13

We live in a ground floor flat and have a 18mo and a 4yo. When it is our turn for a lie in the other one always takes the kids out at about 8.30 for breakfast or to soft play or the park for a couple of hours to ensure the flat is quiet. Prior to that it's just expected that there will be be noise.

Unless you are able to change houses (long shot!), you need to find a way to make it work. Cards and normal volume TV are totally acceptable, but noisy toys, running etc unacceptable.

Maybe buy some earplugs?

And it isn't his fault that once you are awake you couldn't get back to sleep. Stay in bed and try!

Kidnapped Sat 18-Jun-16 22:58:25

He could keep the doors closed and the TV turned down at 6am. Not too much to ask.

And if he can't manage that then he needs to perfect the "Oooh, it is midsummer let's have a late night early morning trip to the park" routine.

HorseyGal Sat 18-Jun-16 23:15:53

Thanks guys!

I know it's Summer & light early etc, & I know they'll wake up early. I was always told to keep the noise down while other people were asleep, it's just normal common courtesy to me. I don't expect a lie in, I stayed in bed until just after 7 and then got up, but another hour would have been nice!

A couple of weeks ago when they were up at 6 and woke DP up, he told them off and said they had to go back to bed & be quiet (they know 7 is getting up time) - so it seems to be 1 rule if they wake him up & another if he's already awake as he was this morning! hmm

I always tell the children to keep it down when DP has his regular naps on the sofa!

I guess some people are just more considerate than others.

NeedACleverNN Sat 18-Jun-16 23:30:02

I would expect a 7 and 9 year old to realise that 6 am is early, other people are still sleeping and if they want to be up they have to keep the noise down.

Like you said they are 7 and 9 not 2 and 4.

Your dh should be supporting you and telling them to keep their noise down. Especially if he gets rat arsed if they wake him up.

He is right on one thing. When the twins come you will get less sleep. Which is why you need as much as you can now

HorseyGal Sat 18-Jun-16 23:50:00

Thanks NeedACleverNN!
Apparently not everyone sees it that way! My friends are telling me I need to rest but I'm feeling very unsupported by DP, who never has any concern for how I am, and I'm expected to carry on as normal, yet I'm quite huge now!

It does worry me how things will transpire when the twins arriveconfused

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 18-Jun-16 23:55:22

Two words - ear plugs! You still have a few weeks of uninterrupted sleep if you're lucky - make the most of it. Honestly, they are great, changed my life.

And next time DP is having a nap, don't hush the DCs let them shout and wake him up, the inconsiderate bugger!

My DCs know not to wake me up early but it took DP DP's DD a while to get the message. Now he knows that it's not worth the pain if I get woken before I'm ready, I really struggle and will end up tearful and angry if I don't get enough sleep (medical condition that makes me very tired) He will now tell his DD not to come in and wake me up (although they don't stay here as often any more, partly due to these sort of issues, it's difficult when you can't say anything as it's taken as a huge criticism).

1) Lay down some rules about noise in the mornings
2) get some earplugs
3) give him a taste of his own medicine and
4) once your DTs are here, make sure you are taking time to look after yourself and that your DP is doing his fair share. flowers

SleepymamaJapan Sun 19-Jun-16 00:06:34

It's a really tough one. They probably are not making excessive noise on purpose, your just very tired sensitive to it. I don't think inconsiderate is accurate, they are just kids being kids?

You have to be really careful when criticizing the actions of other peoples children, even if they are your step kids. I know its sucky, but I personally would not say anything. You put your DP in a very difficult position, albeit unintentionally. I'm sure he sees it as "it's only once a week when they stay" and will get quite defensive. At the same time you do need sleep and it's really easy to get cranky when your so sleep deprived. Try earplugs and an eye mask (I doubt it will help, but you never know!) think positive - your getting more sleep now than you will be when your twins are here! Your partners kids are helping you prepare!confused

HorseyGal Sun 19-Jun-16 00:19:36

I cope pretty well with the lack of sleep, it's less that that's the actual problem now, it's more that DP was playing with them & should have had a bit more thought.
I know they didn't mean anything by it, but I think they should be reminded to think of others - they are 7&9 as Need said, not 2&4! I will try ear plugs though! smile
The hardest thing for me is that DP will moan about them on various occasions (just normal things as I think all parents do!) but I can't say anything! I know I didn't give birth to them, but it's still double standards!

thepurplehen Sun 19-Jun-16 07:46:40

I absolutely agree that kids of that age should be taught to be considerate.

They're not doing anything "wrong" but it's just nice to teach them to be respectful isn't it?

When they are teenagers, you can send your twins in with a drum set at 6am to wake them up!

I had the same argument with my dp when I moved in years ago. I never really won the argument but they grew out of it.

Lack of sleep through inconsiderate other members of the family shouldn't happen, in my opinion, in a loving family.

HorseyGal Sun 19-Jun-16 08:11:16

Yes purple that's how I feel!
He has turned it into a massive argument now, about everything he does for me etc etc, he really can't take any 'criticism' even though I put it as nicely as I could! I am seriously fed up now, he is behaving like a child.

crusoe16 Sun 19-Jun-16 08:47:55

I think it depends who you think is being inconsiderate. It's fairly normal behaviour for kids that age. Your DP however should have been more considerate by encouraging them to be quiet, pointing out that you are tired etc and as a pp has suggested, taking them out for breakfast.

They are certainly old enough to keep the noise level down at that time in the morning but most of the responsibility here is your DP's.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Sun 19-Jun-16 09:26:46

I am shocked at his response- it sounds ridiculously aggressive and defensive. Is he stressed about having two more mouths to feed (or anything else) as the response seems to be out of proportion to the complaint?

Findingpeace Sun 19-Jun-16 10:19:24

I agree with op and pp that this is a DP problem. You are perfectly reasonable to ask him to speak to his DC about being quieter when you are still sleeping. What's going to happen when the DT's get here and are sleeping? He's being really unreasonable to get angry and defensive about something like that.

I know how difficult it is to approach dad's about any little criticism. My DH's defensiveness is ridiculous sometimes. This is the cause of the 'walking on eggshells' feeling.

I really believe parents shouldn't accept much of children's behaviour as just 'children being children', the job of parents is to teach and correct. Certainly some behaviour can be accepted and ignored but some behaviour requires teaching, especially regarding being considerate of others. When my DSDs were teens my DH would never ask them to turn their music down. I hated that I could hear their base through the ceiling when trying to read or watch tv. Since my DH wouldn't correct this behaviour I felt I had to put up with it to keep the peace. There are many other things DH let them do because 'they are just being teenagers'. They are now young adults and very entitled and inconsiderate in many ways. My oldest dsd lost a tenancy due to inconsiderate behaviour towards her neighbours.

Wdigin2this Sun 19-Jun-16 10:22:03

Most DF's are defensive about criticism of their DC, goes with the guilt territory!

NeedACleverNN Sun 19-Jun-16 10:28:11

It doesn't even have to come out as a criticism though

All the husband has to say it's not morning in this house until 7.

If you feel you can't stay in bed, then you get up and get your breakfast but you must be quiet.
It is still bed time. If you can't keep quiet between the hours of 6 and 7, I will take away that privilege and you can stay in your bedrooms until 7.

He cannot be their friend to make up for being an absent dad. He is their dad whether he likes it or not

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys Sun 19-Jun-16 10:35:01

Yes you should treat them like your own.

And you'd tell your own to keep the noise down when it's so early. I would anyway.

YADNBU. Your DP is just being precious.

NeedACleverNN Sun 19-Jun-16 10:38:23

I would do what the others suggest though. If they wake him up early, encourage them to carry on.

You can then confront him. If he moans it's not the same, it proves he has no real respect for as a pregnant woman as his sleep is more important than a woman growing two new humans

MissMargie Sun 19-Jun-16 10:45:20

These earplugs are good
here

The hard centre makes them really quick for putting in and out of ears.

You need to not be kind when DP is sleeping in the chair, let the DCs wake him. And be ready to flag up his complaints if he tells them off.

thepurplehen Sun 19-Jun-16 21:07:54

I really disagree about the earplugs. Why should the op have to use ear plugs because her dp can't teach his kids right from wrong?

I absolutely agree it's not the kids fault but it's not up to the op to modify her behaviour because her dp won't support her.

It would be different if he had tried to support her but was failing to get the results she needed but he's point blank refusing to put her "needs" before him and his kids "wants".

HorseyGal Sun 19-Jun-16 21:39:08

That's how I felt Purple it was so unnecessary - that's why I said something in the first place! I didn't make a big fuss, or tell the children off, but it imo it needed to be mentioned.

I'm generally fairly laid back, but everyone here needs to learn to be more considerate of each other, not less, when there are twins arriving in under 3 weeks! DP been in a sulk all day, I am not backing down or apologising due to the ridiculous way he blew it out of all proportion!

I know I will always come below his children, and that can be difficult, but I really do feel put out by this, I'm carrying 2 more of his children, I'm massive! I'm still working from home, doing the housework, shopping & looking after my DSD & DSS when they're here! I think he should consider himself lucky, many women have issues in twin pregnancies & wouldn't be able to do anything by this stage!

It's interesting that some posters think it's 'normal' behaviour for kids though. I totally agree with FindingPeace that it's down to the adults to teach them good behaviour and habits, to make them better people when they grow up!!!

thepurplehen Sun 19-Jun-16 22:14:09

When I moved in my own son was used to staying in his room until 7am or 8am at weekends.

Suddenly I had his four kids (who were aged between 5 and 12) still up and about at midnight and up again at 4:30am!

He refused to support me because he slept through it all!

I will never forgive him but mostly I won't forgive myself for putting up with it because he was too scared of upsetting his kids. I was far too understanding of his situation but I made myself ill because of it.

MrsSpecter Sun 19-Jun-16 22:18:17

Fuuuck!! They wouldnt be up in my house at 6am and certainly not in the living room with the TV on. They would be sent back to their rooms (i have done this with my own children btw) to stay and either sleep or play very quietly until at least 8am. 7 and 9 are well able to know about weekends and quietness and pregnant= tired etc.

Lunar1 Sun 19-Jun-16 22:18:51

Why on earth couldn't he just shut the doors between you!

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