Fractious Relationship

(5 Posts)
Scottysmum2008 Fri 27-May-16 09:44:19

So I find myself having a challenging chat with my near 8 yr old as I am the one to let him know his brother will not be over this weekend as he is unwell. The response I get is "Well that's a yay for you as you don't even like him.".
It was challenging because I did not want to react to it with the tears that pricked my eyes.
The situation with my ss is tricky to say the least, but I always stand by the statement that first and foremost he comes to see his brother and dad, and it's most important that those relationships continue to build and maintain.
I don't have a relationship with my ss because he has made it clear very early on that he does not want even my friendship, therefore now it is something I will not force as it just causes stress for the both of us and impacts on ds and dh.
DH & I have kept discussions about the situation private however ds is a bright lad and it appears that very little gets past him.
I just needed somewhere to voice this, as even though I am confident in my parenting with my ds as he continues to grow into a strong confident young person, have I not protected him enough from this issue?

DontMindTheStep Fri 27-May-16 17:18:30

You are right to not force a friendship on your SS. How old is he? It's not particularly relevant, as you are right at any age - Relationships can't be forced.

The thing is, married to his Dad, you do have a connection to the boy, and presumably some form of interaction.. and DS at 8yrs has sensed his mum's dislike.

It sound like you're disppointed and I can see why.

It's good to be honest with DS and confirm he has picked up on antagonism, but tell him you wish it was warmer. Don't blame the step brother. See where you haven't been perfect. Let DS know you care that step is poorly.

Perhaps you could start a programme of improving the relationship. It's like committing to a diet. You try harder even when you don't want to.

This is where age appropriateness comes in.

How old is Ss and are you parent age for him?

My tricky DSS has got far warmer with maturing through the teens! There is hope for more harmony at home and for warmth to soften hard stances.

swingofthings Fri 27-May-16 18:34:57

Kids are so much more perceptive than we think. That's why I am always dubious when SM state that they don't like their SC but they don't know because they hide it.

In your case, it would seem that it is not for the like of wanting. Personally, I would have a chat with my child to understand what led them to make this statement, clarify that this is not the case, and that although he and you are not close, you are very happy that he is close to him.

Scottysmum2008 Tue 31-May-16 14:33:17

Thank you for your comments, and thank you for not judging me.
I explain to my ds that my priority is his and his dd happiness and there is no happiness on my part in them not seeing ss who is very important to them. I do not refer to ds as being at fault neither do I shoulder the blame (there are a number of reasons for the relationship failing which are not for my ds to know).
I realise that when I put this out there some may feel I should be some type of super parent who can take anything thrown at her but things were difficult from the off for my dh and I to have a relationship.
I have been married to dh for 8 years, and together 9 years. My ss is 12 and half, and issues became apparent shortly after my ds was born who is near 8.
SS was told from as soon as early as the start of my relationship with dh by his dm that I was the reason for his parents split. All family members have up until behaviour was deemed no longer cute, always allowed ss to behave how he liked, and any attempts on my part to provide parenting and guidance, as I did not want my ds to have the power to make decisions too big for him as ss had, were met with huge criticism about how strict I was etc. These put downs were 99% of the time done in front of the children and I tolerated it for some years.
I used to look after my ss on my own early on in holidays but as he became more awkward, ignorant, mean, and eventually attacked my ds at near 4 I became afraid, when ss @8. With so much resistance from ss, family and dh at times, I reached breaking point so removed myself from his visits. We have introduced my company back in over time however he will not speak to me, or acknowledge when I have spoken even when I am responding to him. We have been 'working' at this for @ 3 & half years, and dh is now on board with the issues as he was oblivious to them until the attack incident.
We had so many heated discussions about this situation over the years as this was not the situation I wanted. I believe I have treated ss with respect and not asked more from him that my ds; neighbours comment on how good I was with him. M in law has in the past year opened up to me almost apologising for not supporting me sooner.
My ds is my priority. DH and M in law see and comment that his behaviour is a game and he enjoys what he's doing to me. How do I deal with that?

Scottysmum2008 Tue 31-May-16 14:34:22

Almost forgot, I am more than old enough to be considered parent age smile

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