Step-parent adoption

[nialopes]

Hi everyone,

My husband is a step father to my daughter and has applied to adopt her. That was last year and we have just been allocated a social worker. She is coming in 2 weeks to meet us for first time. I was just wondering if anyone has has any experience of that ...what should I be expecting. And also the social worker told me on the phone that they haven't actually written to my ex husband about the adoption just yet (we don't have any contact with him for 6 yrs). Do you know when the authorities contact the biological father and ask for his consent if he agrees to the adoption do we still have to go to court or not necessary ?

Thanks in advance :)

[lateforeverything]

Hello, we've got our visit this week so I will let you know. Feel free to drop me a pm in the meantime.

(I'm a sm applying to adopt my dss)

[nialopes]

Hi lateforeverything....thank you so much for responding :) And I hope your meeting goes well :)

Forgive me but I'm not sure about the abbreviation used on mums net ( by SM do you mean step mum? And by dss you mean son?

My situation basically is this....I divorced my ex husband in 2010 but we split up in 2009. He has had no contact with my daughter since 2010 and no financial support etc. Sh doesn't even remember him. I then met my husband and got married din 2011. He has been the only daddy she knows. Last year she changed her surname and now sh has her step father's surname by passport and all. I know where my ex lives but we have no contact. We do however have a very good relationship with my ex's father (my ex father in law). He has stayed in our life and my daughter's life a s grandad. My ex gave his consent of my daughter to change her surname.

We applied last year for the adoption and just yesterday we got appointed the social worker. My worry is do I need to meet my ex at any point? do we need to meet in court? If he consents would be a straight forward thing?

lol I have like a thousand question in my head...nervous

[nialopes]

When you say on your other post (social worker wanted to know more as to why they haven't had contact) how would she look for those answers? My ex left and we just never heard from him since....he came a few times in the beginning and then start making excuses so never came again. He has made no effort over the years and i heard he is now remarried and has 2 other children. I hope this social worker does not come and try to rock the boat as we are a happy family so I don't want any complications.

Tell me more about your story :)

[lateforeverything]

Hi! I'm super busy today but here's a link to one of my threads, I hope it works!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/2607659-Statement-of-Facts-Step-Parent-Adoption

So yep I'm a step mum and my darling stepson is 12. I'll get back to you in more detail about contacting the ex later on today or tomorrow

[nialopes]

Hi no worries :)

I read your post ....your other thread i mean! We submitted application but we did not have to submit a statement of facts? We don't know yet whether my ex will consent or not as they haven't contacted him yet. I haven't been asked to write anything yet

[lateforeverything]

Morning, unless you have had express (signed) consent from your ex then as it stands it is a contested adoption.

We have zero contact with dh's exw and the back story is a bit complicated so although the statement of facts is not 100% necessary until we make the court application, I thought it would be useful for the social worker tmrow have it.

We had the visit yesterday and to be honest I thought it was a bit brutal at times... not feeling that positive really (sorry!) but if you want to know more then do feel free to send me a dn.

[lateforeverything]

*to have it

[lateforeverything]

Oh dear, *dm!

Really not feeling great today

[nialopes]

Oh dear :( sorry to hear!

To be honest they have never asked me to get a signed consent from my ex. I am not in contact with him at all so I don't know how to get him to consent. I assumed when the social worker goes to interview him at that point they will ask him whether he agrees or not and then if he says yes it would be straight forward and if not then it becomes a contested adoption.

What were the questions? Brutal? I'm scared now :(

[lateforeverything]

Yes you are probably right, in our case the ex is abroad so it is our responsibility to get the consent...

I will dm you later as don't want to put anything identifying on here...

[nialopes]

what is dm sorry :( Is there a way to private message on here?

[nialopes]

here is my email if you prefer to talk there:

[Note from MNHQ: we've removed your email address as we'd advise people not to post it on a public forum like this. Please use our Private Messaging function to exchange emails. Here's how it works.]

[lateforeverything]

Hi there... contacted the social worker and asked her to tone it down a bit on the next visit and she did see my point. It still feels a bit raw though so will message on the weekend of that's ok.

[NZmonkey]

Sorry to hear it was so tough on you late hope it all works out OK.

Good luck nialopes, unfortunately I can't add anything more helpful.

[Redtomatojuice]

Good luck.

[lateforeverything]

Thanks Maybe I was a bit tired and stressed out but the sw definitely overstepped the mark.

She has emailed since to say how positively she viewed my relationship with dss and that that will be going into her report so maybe there is light at the end of tunnel...

[teaandcake789]

Yeah expect hell. We were assigned our social worker in January so going through the process now. Dh is adopting my daughter, 12, at her request. I've had 2 private interview, dh has had 2 private interviews (they are horrible btw. Having your life and past relationships analysed to the minute details. Be warned!) I have another interview booked in June, then there's an interview with dd, and then she wants to see all the family together. It's long winded. They have to ask the other biological parent because if he has parental responsibility he has to consent and even if he doesn't he is still giving up all future rights to his child.

[teaandcake789]

lateforeverything they are brutal aren't they? It felt like I had to defend every decision I have ever made in my life.

[lateforeverything]

Right! I'm back! (Time to put on my big-girl pants and get on with it.)

So my main issue was that the sw really did not use child-friendly language with my dss and he found a lot of the meeting inaccessible/daunting for that reason.

Also, don't bullshit me and tell me it isn't a test, the giveaway is the word 'assessment' surely?

I haven't really been pulled up on my life decisions -yet- BUT I did not realise that the report would be an assessment in such clinical terms. i.e. dss has lived with us for 4+ years with zero maintenance from his birth mum and he clearly wants for nothing and yet I need to disclose my salary to prove that I can 'provide for a child long-term'. Huh? I earn more than dh so have actually provided him with more than his biological parents put together but I must show this on paper.

Finally, the smiling, polite healthy-looking boy sitting with us in the garden was not proof enough of my 'parenting capacity'- highly detailed references from referees who can vouch that I understand that what I'm doing is a lifelong commitment will need to speak up for me and I will need give lots of examples proving that I am a fit parent. So I will have to explain that I was dss' school uniform, buy him nice Christmas presents, take him out for his birthday etc... to be blunt, I thanked my lucky stars continually throughout the interview that I earn a good wage. Something told me that if not, I wouldn't have stood a chance and I really don't think that that's right...

It is a patronising, draining and in many ways draconian process that I would only recommend to step parents who truly, truly have a deep, heartfelt and enduring bond with their stepchild(ren). I faltered very slightly on the Tuesday evening to be perfectly honest but one look at my darling boy's face tells me that I can't give up now, even though I know that there is far, far worse to come.

He deserves to have a mum and I am lucky to have him. ❤

[NZmonkey]

Wow late that sounds like it was horrible. I couldn't help thinking through your post though if I had a step mum id hope it was you your DSS is so lucky to have you and you him. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of the process and I hope it gets easier from here on in.

[nialopes]

My appointment with sw is 1st June.

She was lovely on the phone and said she just wants to come and meet us. I am expecting lots of questions of course but I don't think there is anything she can ask me to scare me so much ....I work and my husband works so nothing to worry about there

[nialopes]

fingers crossed....I will let you know how it goes


good luck to you too :)

[lateforeverything]

I don't mean to sound like a b*tch but mine was lovely on the phone too. Plus, it's not you who's going to get the main grilling, it's your husband. The sw barely spoke to my husband on the first visit; the reason I'm being so scrutinised is because I'm the stepmum and I applied to adopt my stepson.

[lateforeverything]

Thanks NZ He's something special that boy, that's for sure. People do say that he's lucky but I definitely am too. Hope you're OK over there.

Hugs from the UK

[nialopes]

Oh dear I'm sorry to hear that Lateforeverything :(

My husband speaks good English but as he is not English I hope he will manage with all her questions :( I should start to prepare him. I called council this morning and they said social worker will be chasing my ex for consent.

BUT i have one major question going around in my head, My ex husband tends to avoid everything and everyone. When we got divorced he completed ignored all letters from court and judge. He never responded to anything. He just doesn't care and doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with me or my daughter. Question: What happens if sw tries to meet with him and he doesn't want to meet with her. What if he ignores her letters? What would she do then?