Emotional Overload

(7 Posts)
rrr6 Mon 09-May-16 19:08:40

I identified myself as the psuedo stepmom. My boyfriend and I live together, and his 5 year old son lives with us part time. I have taken on the mother role when he is with us (cooking dinners, helping with bedtime, making his lunch every now and then, etc). I love both my BF and his son immensely...but it's really hard emotionally. One, I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. My BF doesn't seem to understand and accuses me of wanting to rush things, etc. He doesn't seem to understand also that when we are all together (at the park, doing fun things, etc), I feel like I would if I were babysitting (more or less). I'm having fun, the kid is cute...but I don't have that connection feeling. My BF blames my jealousy (yes, I am jealous...won't lie. I want a kid and I'm jealous he has one with someone else not me); but, it's not. I just don't have "that" connection like they do.

It hit hard this Mother's Day. I wasn't really appreciated...it's starting to weigh on me a bit. I cook, clean, work, etc...and the day came and went as if nothing. Now, to be fair, he did buy my a gift and I was very thankful for that (seriously, so sweet), but I feel (especially lately) very underappreciated and that my role is undervalued.

Am I over-reacting? Is this all my jealousy? Am I wrong to feel this way?

swingofthings Mon 09-May-16 19:26:50

You're not his mum, you're his step-mum and that's a totally different role. Don't mix the two. He doesn't need another mum, and he doesn't need a female role model to do his cleaning, cooking, helping with bedtime, his dad should do this just as well as his mum.

As for your desire for a baby, that's another matter. How long have you've lived together? Are you becoming an age that makes making it a priority more of an issue.

Wdigin2this Mon 09-May-16 19:34:49

That's the problem with being a SM, especially of young children, you get all the grunt work....but at the end of the day, they already have a mother! If you want to stay with this man, and are already jealous of his relationship with his child, your in for a rough ride whether you have a baby or not!

Wdigin2this Mon 09-May-16 19:39:07

PS: My first comment is not meant as a critisism....but basically to say, his son will always be his son no matter what else happens in his life!

rrr6 Mon 09-May-16 19:47:30

No, I hear you guys. I know a lot of it is my own fault. I think it's just hard to not have that connection, ya know? Like, we all have so much fun together and I love it...it would just be nice to feel that love reciprocated by the child.

I am in no way trying to be his mom either! I just naturally take on the domestic role. But maybe you're right @swingofthings, I probably shouldn't do that. I just have a hard time being like "Not my kid, not my problem." I like providing, but maybe I'm hurting them more than helping.

Thanks guys. I guess it is humbling to hear that I am being irrational and am in the wrong. I will work on that

swingofthings Mon 09-May-16 19:59:02

The problem is that when you're a mum or dad, you do all the crap, but you are entitled to get all the rewards to counter balance it. You are entitled to feel proud, adored, considered the most important thing in the world, entitled to decide on all matters of importance and to have the final say.

That only rarely happens when you're a SM, and when it does, it takes a lot of time and investment before you get there and of course, you have no control over making it happened.

I think most of the frustration that comes from being a SM is the willingness to take on the duties but with that comes the feeling that the reward of at least some of the above is due. It doesn't work like that though, and that's why it is much better to do it the other way around. Don't take on any of the duties, even if you don't mind them, unless you can be 100% satisfied that you don't expect anything at all in return (personally, I wouldn't!!). Otherwise, let time and circumstances decide whether you might be in a position to get the rewards, and then, as you start doing so, consider whether it would be fair to take on some of the duties.

Wdigin2this Mon 09-May-16 21:58:31

I don't think you're being irrational, but I hear the doubts in your original post. It's a bloody tough deal being a SP, and it's never going to be a level playing field....but still, I understand the way you feel!

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