Help, I feel like I'm going mad :((22 Posts)
My first husband, dad of dd, age 7 now, left me 4 years ago. I divorced & remarried 2 years ago. Loads of problems with step parenting his 3 children & arguments about different styles. Latest, today, my daughter asked if she & I could have a 'cuddle night' in the spare room tonight... I have always denied her this as my new husband is very traditional in some ways so I've given in to him ... today I finally thought, No! My daughter deserves an occasional cuddle night with her Mummy, so I've nicely told him. He went mad, told me I don't respect him, his needs come first, if I do it then I'm being selfish, I've changed, he's being reasonable & I'm not, threatened to take his children to his Mums then changed his mind as realised I'd like the space, my daughter has manipulated the situation to get her own way etc ... He made me cry, I was sobbing, asking him to stop & he just kept on and on ... He's now gone out to church with all four children, I was staying home as feel unwell, had told him this before everything happened this morning ... I know this sounds awful but we've had so many disagreements since we married I just don't know which way to turn ... I don't realky know anymore if i'm being unreasonable or not ... All I know is I feel dreadful, regularly give in to him (against my better judgmen . To stop arguments). Any advice much appreciated. Thankyou
I mean this with kindness but this isn't a step-parenting issue, it's an issue of you being emotionally abused by your husband.
He sounds abusive, what's your housing/finance/job situation, can you leave?
My advice would be to start looking at your options. You don't sound like you like him very much, and he does things on purpose to upset you. It all sounds like very hard work. Imagine just you and your daughter, living the way YOU want to. Not as he dictates.
Thank you all, a problem shared & all that. Truth is, I do love lots about him but I find him very difficult. I'm a very independent minded person & was vulnerable when I met him. He doesn't like me wearing white/light cloth ng where the outline of my bra can be seen, or short jumpers where my bottom/top of legs are seen, or gym kit as its slightly stretch & shows my shape, doesn't like swearing, me seeing my friends regularly, going on my annual girls weekend to Spain (as I'd be be led astray) ... All of these things I've stopped, one my one to please him, meanwhile being stepmum to his 3 chikdren, one with severe special needs & one older boy who has been a nightmare. When we got married I put all my life savings & house equity down on a house purchase as his ex wife had everything in their divorce. I've been working part time around caring for the children but now trying to build up a new career which is going well, but he expects me to use all my money each month whilst his income is much higher so he saves quite a bit each month. I'm in my mid forties & apart my telling my best friend no one else knows how I feel. But the truth is I feel like an idiot, mug, used & that I can't be myself. But I also do think my husband genuinely loves me, but he grew up an only child & was spoilt ... I've talked to him so many times and he's said he understands how I feel but then things keep on happening and hes unkind then says its all my fault... Stomps off, ignores me.
I'm sorry but he sounds awful. Is the house in his name as well? I mean, have you ringfenced any of it?
He doesn't genuinely love you. He is an abuser.
He sounds like a bully. There's a reason him and his ex wife are not together. I wouldn't be surprised if she experienced the same behaviour you have someone with these traits will continue to abuse their partner.
What type of person won't allow someone to cuddle their child. I'm guessing he treats her differently to the other children because she's not his? Trust me she will pick on this. For this alone I would leave. A child shouldn't be allowed to not have affection off her own DM because of her SF.
People give SMs a bad name but he seems a nasty piece of work to create so much drama over something so simple as a cuddle to your DD, this is emotional abuse. He sounds like a control freak,wanting to control the family, who you socialise with down to why you wear and then keeping money aside. Run for the hills. You can start over again it's your DD and your happiness that matters here.
Your poor child not being allowed a cuddle. What a shitbag he is to say his needs come first. Sorry OP but come on...get yourself out of there.
He doesn't like me wearing white/light cloth ng where the outline of my bra can be seen, or short jumpers where my bottom/top of legs are seen, or gym kit as its slightly stretch & shows my shape, doesn't like swearing, me seeing my friends regularly, going on my annual girls weekend to Spain (as I'd be be led astray)
Are you serious? This is unacceptable.
He's also financially abusing you. I'd go and seek legal help.
Please ask this to be moved to relationships.
He is financially and emotionally abusing you and you need help and support to decide how you want to end this.
This sounds horrendous. In case you thought it was normal.
Agree that this is not a step parenting issue. If you post again in relationships there are loads of people who will be able to help you. You do realise that your relationship is totally dysfunctional?
He is controlling, nasty and spiteful. I have to say I laughed at him going to church - there must be a hell of a cognitive dissonance going on there.
For the sake of your daughter, leave him. Go to the best solicitor you can afford on Tuesday morning and tell your daughter today that you and she will soon be living separately. I can't bear to think of the relief on her face.
Agreed. I'm generally not a LTB type but you should seriously consider it.
How hypocritical that this abusive man goes to church.
I wonder what your daughter is experiencing in all of this. I wonder if she wanted a night alone with you so she could cuddle - and so she could tell you how she is feeling and what is happening to her.
if he is that controlling of your time with your daughter, my guess is he controls a lot more besides and she is having a really hard time.
I have some sympathy for you but you are a mature woman and you are getting something out of the relationship -or so you say.
What is your daughter getting out of this? I think it must be awful for her.
Bloody hell, you say you are independent minded but you let this man dictate what you wear, he stomps off, he ignores you. He stops you from cuddling your little girl ffs.
This is nothing to do with him being an only child and everything to do with being a total bastard.
Do you stop him from cuddling his children?
OP, I may have been harsh but you cannot excuse his behaviour as that of an only child. Would you be happy if your DD had step children one day and treated them this way?
Should a woman who is an only child prevent her DH from seeing friends or wearing sportswear?
It's time to stop excusing him. Show your DD the right way to be treated by others.
It sounds like you're in an awful situation... one that is going to have to come to an end.
Your little girl is always always going to be your little girl and one day she will be able to see what's going on.
It sounds like your OH is isolating you from everyone outside your four walls and now trying to do it within the home. I can't imagine how you must feel to be honest.
I think it's clear from your posts that something is keeping you with this guy but it's time to be brave. Sometimes you have to find strength that you don't think you have. Go look into your little girls eyes and she will give you the strength you need.
There is a book called Taming Tigers by a chap called Jim Lawless. I can highly recommend it. It's not about relationships specifically and it's not about SC but it's very motivational. It gave me the strength to do what I had to do.
Good grief, how long have you been allowing him to treat you so badly, not to mention your poor child...and by the way, going to church does not make you a good person, anymore than not going makes you a bad person.
All the advice you've been given here is spot on, no he does not love you, yes he is controlling you, and absolutely.....get the hell out ASAP!
Oh OP, I hope that you are still reading?
This is not going to make sense to you at the moment, but please do get some perspective and some barriers up around yourself and your children.
Get some counseling for yourself and contact some helplines. Does he read your emails or your websites? Use phones/Internet cafes that won't identify you. Just in case he is likely to get nasty. Keep these things to yourself for now.
I don't mean to be weird but you need some private time to build up strength and consider your situation. Talk with others, post on the relationship forum, look up emotional abuse. If it's too difficult for you to consider leaving right now, just make sure that you start thinking for yourself and your child until you can.
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