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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Please tell me if IABU

14 replies

Findingpeace · 05/04/2016 21:40

Quick background is I married my DH 3 years ago after living with him and DSD's for 2 years. DSD's lived full time with us. Mum around but not much contact due to her issues. Eldest DSD has since moved out and since moving out our relationship is even better. DSD2 is 18 and still living with us. I love her but it's so difficult right now. More because of DH then DSD.

DSD dropped out of college sometime ago and she started working in a local pub. But for the last 6 months or so spends all her money over the weekend then asks dad for more. She gets paid nearly £200 a week on a Friday and by Tuesday/Wednesday is asking DH for money. She has no bills and spends all her money on going out with friends, drinking and shopping. I've had numerous conversations with DH about not giving her money as she needs to learn how to budget. I want her to be a responsible independent woman one day and we need to help her get there. DH agrees then caves to her.

DSD has one chore to do, once a week, taking the bins out. I've insisted this increase to also hovering upstairs twice a week. When I ask DH to remind her to do it he reluctantly does. He asks her because if I do she feels it's unfair for someone who isn't her parent to ask her to do something (even though I used to taxi her around, pick up after her and do for her for years). She can be very lazy, as are a lot of teens, and DH hates asking her to do things. Like bring her plates and cups down from her room so we can start the dishwasher and instead will do things for her.

Finally, and sorry for the long post, i am being slowly driven insane by her music. She's started to think that when she is getting ready to go out she can blast her music and ignores me when I ask her to turn it down (DH works nights). When I talk to him about it he tells me I'm being old and unreasonable because I don't want to hear her base through a floor and two closed doors.

I need to talk to DH about these 3 issues but this will involve a big fight. I'm really struggling with these issues though and starting to feel resentful. What do you think?

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wheresthel1ght · 05/04/2016 22:08

The music thing is typical teenager behaviour so for that yab a tiny bit u albeit understandable. My parents used to do their but at some of the crap I used to blast before a night out!

The money thing, yes she needs to learn to huger but she is still young and will learn. Perhaps you could suggest to DH about helping her budget her money - spreadsheet of spends etc rather than have a go about him giving her money?

He is trying to be a good dad and over compensate for what sounds like a waster of a mum. I can't really fault him for that to be honest. I do however understand why you are frustrated. I don't think it is a battle you are likely to win though.

If it helps I just go out strike with Dss who is at the start of his teen journey. He soon remembers how to use the washing machine when he realises he has no clean pants for school and faces the prospect of re wearing yesterday's! For clarity I do wash the odd bits to make sure I can produce a miraculous clean pair so he doesn't have to be a dirty vile heathen boy in dirty pants but it does have the desired effect for a few weeks at least

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wheresthel1ght · 05/04/2016 22:09

Sorry my iPhone has turned me into an illiterate idiot!

Nut
Budget

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Findingpeace · 05/04/2016 22:41

He does over compensate for a waster mum and feels guilt around many things. He's not fully a Disney dad but has lots of traits. He just wants an easy life really.

I struggle with the idea of giving my DSD more money after she's spent £200 over a weekend. Essentially we'd be giving her money to go out with friends, clubbing, drinking etc. I don't have any issues with her doing these things, after all she's 18 and that's what many 18 year olds are doing. I did! But I didn't spend money that recklessly either and I certainly wouldn't have asked my parents for money so I could go out drinking!

If she ran out of money and needed something important I would have no issue with helping her out but I just can't reconcile giving her money to go clubbing when she works full time and earns her own money.

We talk to her about budgeting but it seems to have no impact. A spreadsheet would be a good idea except she has no outgoings. I did help her set up a savings account and have a standing order of £20 go into it but she just spends that money too.

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Wdigin2this · 05/04/2016 22:47

Well I don't agree about the music thing...of course teens do play their music when getting ready to go out, but if it's blasting for hours, it would drive you nuts! So, no I don't think it's unreasonable to insist it's turned down just a little!

Regarding the money, if your DH wants to be in the position mine has been, and still is in 20 or more years down the line, ie still paying for bloody everything...then let him carry right on subsidising her!

Unfair for someone who's not her parent, to ask for a little household help...are you kidding??? She is 18, more than old enough to appreciate everything you've done for her so basically she's taking advantage, and if it's not OK for you to ask/remind her to do these (ridiculously small) tasks...then it's not OK for you to do her laundrey, change her bed, or any of the other million things you probably do!!

O/P, go on strike, withdraw privileges whatever it takes....Rant over!!!!

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 05/04/2016 23:39

My older DSD did many of these things. And for a while her one job was taking the bins out too. Which she did, occasionally, and with a really big strop on at her father for making her do it. So exhausting!

The one thing I would completely disagree about is that she has to accept that you can also get irritated and ask her to do things. Does she not accept rules and instructions from her boss at work? Did she not from her teachers at school? It is your and your DPs house, you work for it, you manage it, she struggles to even help. So of course you should be able to tell her to do stuff as well as DP.

Of course there can be a lot of 'you are not my parent' resistance. But in this case it isn't as she is an adult, about being mum or dad, it's about a level of cooperation with you. Including stuff like music etc. If I would offer any advice is to not wait for your DP to do everything. You are not invisible. You have lived with her long enough now to be able to be respected and expect a level of harmony.

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Findingpeace · 05/04/2016 23:43

I did go on strike, 2 years ago. I taught her how to wash her own clothes and make her own bed. I don't touch her room, which is a tip, but just shut the door. It's her room, she can keep it as she wishes.

I used to be the one who would remind her to do the bins and bring her plates and cups down to wash but it started to impact on our relationship so my DH took this over. He hates asking her to do anything though.

I decided to increase what she does around the house because of her age but also because she started brushing her long hair in the spare room because she sheds and rather then shed in her room, which she never hovers, she'd rather shed in the spare room which I hover. Unfortunately, it means extra hair tracked into the hall, so I've asked her to take over the hovering upstairs.

Do you think it's asking too much of her? Should we go back to her just doing one chore a week? I don't have kids myself I just felt that since I do all the house work and she's technically an adult now she could help out a bit more around the house.

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Wdigin2this · 06/04/2016 00:31

So, your DH's hardly there, and you and DSD are mostly in the house together, and presumably you work?
She is 20...I REPEAT, 20! She's not a child of the house any more, she's an adult sharing a house with other adults, and she should be pulling her weight! Her room is a tip....so if she lived with a mate sharing a room in a flat, this would be acceptable would it....I bloody well think not!!!!
Just stop everything you do for her, including washing, ironing, supplying clean bedding, cooking for her, taxi-ing...everything, and when she complains tell her what's good for her, is good for you and that she's now on her own domestically! If her DF dares to complain, tell him he can play housemaid to his own DD!!!

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Wdigin2this · 06/04/2016 00:32

Sorry she's 18.... Still old enough to appreciate you!

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ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 06/04/2016 06:42

Why does it have to be the bins she does? It is the yuckiest job by far. Perhaps if you and DH sat down with her and discussed the jobs that needed doing you could divide up the jobs more fairly and people could do the jobs they didn't mind so much. In our house I do the bins and bathrooms, DH does the cooking. We each think we have the better deal.

Regarding the money, that needs sorting out and then DH needs to stick to it. She is just spending money like water at the moment. It needs to stop as she needs to look long term; savings, growing money, training, qualifications. She needs a plan of action.

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Wdigin2this · 06/04/2016 09:10

It really shouldn't have to be any particular job, at 18 she should at least be responsible for keeping her room clean, changing her own bed, making sure her laundrey is in the basket, and certainly her own ironing!

Another idea is to trade with her, tell her you'll give her a lift to wherever, in exchange for the the washing being put out and brought back in and folded, you'll change her bed in exchange for the sitting room being dusted and hoovered...etc! You could get quite inventive with that!

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MeridianB · 06/04/2016 10:29

If this was a non-blended family, I am sure the cries of outrage would be much louder. Yes, a lot of what she is doing is typical but she needs to contribute more help, do more for herself and start to consider others - all very basic requirements at 18.

Presumably she is buying her own clothes and toiletries, fares and phone bill from her wages? If not then that needs to start. How many hours a week does she work? Is this in addition to studying?

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 06/04/2016 13:58

It does sound like it is her general attitude, rather than the specifics of how much and when she does, that is grating on you. Her general attitude is one of ignoring you and not growing up, it seems?!

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Findingpeace · 06/04/2016 20:44

Wdigin - I agree with you that it should be a case of just chipping in but she doesn't. If the dishwasher is full she won't think to empty it. If there are no clean glasses rather then wash one by hand she has been known to drink out of a vase!

Chopstick - it's the bins because she won't do a proper job of other jobs. She told her DDad that she couldn't hover properly and wasn't going to. At least with bins there is really no way to do it half heartedly. Besides she's never complained her job is the bins, just complaints about being asked to do chores.

Meridian - she pays for her own clothes and fares and makeup but we pay for her deodorant, face wipes etc and her mobile phone. She works about 30 to 35 hours but calls in sick regularly when she wants to go out with her friends. She isn't in college, she dropped out twice. I wish she was studying as I want her to do well in life but currently she refuses to put the time into her coursework.

I don't mean to sound really negative as she has many lovely qualities too but her extreme laziness right now is a real struggle. I guess it felt more acceptable when she was younger but now she's an adult.

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Findingpeace · 06/04/2016 20:49

Banana, yes you're right I should be able to ask her to do things, and I do sometimes but I was finding that reminding her to do her chores and pick up after herself was leading to problems in our relationship. So I asked DH to do the reminding, but he does it reluctantly as he'd rather have an easy life then teacher her to be more responsible.