My partner has 2 daughters to previous marraige but doesn't want any more

(20 Posts)
Poppletosh Tue 05-Apr-16 10:07:10

Hi everyone/anyone. I'm looking for advice. I've been with my partner for 7 years. I am 37. He is 46. I have never married or had children. He has 2 daughters. One 20. One 14. He has always financially supported them even though the older one has a flat with friends and the other daughter lives with his ex wife and her husband with a new baby. We both love each other and travel and decorate our home together. He is very loving mostly and responsible.

We have been through a lot and it's taken up till now for us to be settled with a beautiful home and we both have good jobs. He earns a much bigger wage than me though. He had always said that if I ever wanted a child then he was for it and would never deny me that. Up until now I was ok without children, although the relationship with his daughters has always been very tense. They never talked much and I would never know much about their life as their mother would tell them never to talk to me.
However since we are settled and comfortable, and his daughters have their own lives, I asked my partner about us having a baby? At first he kept smiling, and he said he was so happy, he thought I'd never ask! Then a couple days later he became annoyed about the thought of it and said he could never afford it so no it wouldn't happen. He said he couldn't do it financially or physically and if I wanted children then I'd need to find someone else.

My frustration lies with the fact that he gives most of his money to his daughters who are both quite comfortable. And have more than most girls their age. Which is fine, but it leaves him with no money each month and he says he would never reduce his monthly payments to them for us to have a baby.

I feel tricked and used as before it was always him that would suggest a baby? He still says that he would love to have a child with me but he couldn't afford it. But the fact is he makes a lot of money but wants to give it all to his daughters. His daughters also have a mother and stepfather providing for them too!

I just feel I'm second or third on his list. I told him I didn't think I could be in a relationship where I have no option to have a child and I'm second to his daughters. He said that I'm not second, that I'm being selfish, and everything is about me! That no man would take this ultimatum from a woman. I just feel shocked and hurt. I feel I have no option but to split up. Can you please tell me if its me?..

WillTryAnythingNow Tue 05-Apr-16 10:09:52

I think he's treated you very unfairly. If you do want to have a child, you should look elsewhere. It sounds as though his daughters would be very resentful if you did have a child - I wouldn't want to have a baby that was so clearly not wanted by its siblings.

lateforeverything Tue 05-Apr-16 11:03:10

He said he couldn't do it financially or physically and if I wanted children then I'd need to find someone else. Talk about moving the goalposts!

I totally agree with WillTryAnythingNow. That is so unfair of dh and he definitely seems to be the problem, NOT you. He is the one who went back on his word. What bothers me the most though is that he does not seem bothered by the prospect of you leaving?!

If you have a look on MN there are unfortunately quite a few threads about SMs feeling second/third best. sad

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 05-Apr-16 12:10:21

I actually had this myself with DP. We do have our own child together now.

I didn't want to be with DP at all at first because he seemed to 'have done' the family thing. DP however convinced me that he'd love another child and to give him a chance. Then after I'd moved in and committed he then did a massive u-turn! Cold feet.

I was furious as I'd wasted a good deal. A long story, however in the end I had a child with him, however I'm not sure still it was the right thing to do. I still have to battle to gain even an equal footing with his first family. To be frank I wish I'd trusted my instincts at the time, which were to run for the hills!

We do make it work, however your DP has, like mine, got carried away with promises that they haven't really thought through. Do you really want to be with someone who is not going to fully commit to you and your baby? Are you prepared for his resources to still be split (as adults, a lot of kids still want a lot from their parents, particularly guilty Dads!)? If you think he'll stop doing this, think again.

gamerchick Tue 05-Apr-16 12:24:40

Thing is it's not even something that can be compromised on. He's changed the rules and you now have a choice. Is it a deal breaker?

AyeAmarok Tue 05-Apr-16 12:49:55

That's a horrible thing for him to have done to you.

Very cruel, and very unfair. Do you think he's always felt this way, deep down, or that he's just panicked now he's facing the reality?

FruityDelicious Tue 05-Apr-16 12:55:34

I can understand him now wanting his other children to suffer or have their lives changed because of an adults wants.

He has every right to change his mind and not become a father again just as you have every right to leave and have children with somebody else. Nobody should be forced or pressured into parenthood.

You only mention him financing the child though, don't you plan too? You mention he's selfish but you expect him to go against his own wants and then pay for that choice at the detriment to his other children whilst you don't sacrifice anything.

You begrudging child support would be a huge red flag for me, it doesn't matter what their mum earns the 14 year old is still a child and both parents should support. It's also lovely that he helps the adult daughter whilst she transfer to being a new adult alone in the world. I suspect you benefit from his income and are no relation so why on earth shouldn't his own daughter benefit.

swingofthings Tue 05-Apr-16 18:05:38

Something doesn't ring right. One minute he is so happy about it, and then only two days later, he says that this is not an option at all? How long ago was this discussion?

I think your issue is communication. Could it be that you started talking about nothing else and although he is happy about it, he needs a little bit of time to adjusting to the prospect of being a father again? Could his reaction been out of anger for not letting him come to terms with the decision and as a result, he said things he didn't think?

Time to talk I think!

Helmetbymidnight Tue 05-Apr-16 18:09:53

You have been tricked and used I'm afraid flowers

Wdigin2this Wed 06-Apr-16 00:03:41

Popple when you first brought up the subject of having a baby, he's all smiles and enthusiastic? Then some time later, (enough time to discuss with his DD's maybe?) he's dead against it?!

Firstly, this sounds like any conversation he had with his DDs, about sharing their DF (or more specifically his money) went ballistic, and frightened him off the idea!

I have experience of a grown DSD (with DC of her own) expecting to remain like a financially dependant child...and trust me, once they're used to that way of life, it never ends! Yes, he should still be supporting the 14 year old, but the 20 year old in a flat of her own....why should he, doesn't she work, and if not then why not....could it be that DF picks up all her bills so why should she bother?!

Anyway, you have been tricked into thinking he wanted the same as you...a baby, but if that's not the case how can he justify his future with you?

Lastly, Fruity where does it say in the OP's post that she expected DP to support any future DC solely, where did she say that she had no intention of supporting her own DC along with its father?

Penguinepenguins Wed 06-Apr-16 16:06:46

popple this all seems very unfair to you, you have discussed having a child and now he has moved the goal posts so late in the game and recently too. Then you add in the fact your 37 (I'm 38 we are trying for a child it's taking us a while to get a sticky one) at 37 to have this bombshell dropped it is worse and then you say his ex is in a position financially to have another child - this must be just awful for you, and so unfair of him on you.

Yes of course he has a right to "change" his mind but I agree completely with widgin sounds like a conversation he had with his daughters, has caused him to go into panic mode, and again agree the 20 year old does not need to be supported and actually IMO 20 year olds need to learn to stand on their own two feet.

Something just isn't quite right here, people rarely do a complete 360 on having or not having a baby so quickly IMO so there has to be something else and expect it is a conversion he has had with his oldest daughter.

You need to really talk to him and hope he is honest with you about why, if not sadly maybe it is time to move on - but I hope he is just having a "panic" moment.

Good luck OP X

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 06-Apr-16 22:26:08

It does like a very quick turnaround too. Is there any way that you can find out more?

It might be quite important to gently press your DP. Is it money? Is it doubts about the relationship?

With my DP it was a fear that he just couldn't support the child in the same way as the others. The reason for his turnaround could be crucial in determining whether you should leave or whether these issues can be resolved. Either way, if you really want a child, you will end up hugely resenting him if you stay.

Busybuzzybumblebee Thu 07-Apr-16 12:52:06

This happened to me also, I said right from the very beginning of our relationship that I wanted a couple of kids and if he did not then there was no point continuing. He loves assured me he did but fast forward a few years and he'd changed his mind. I said that it was not something I would be willing to compromise on and that it was a deal breaker after a lot of discussion we now have a ds and he loves him to pieces, we have both agreed to stick to one. But I think it is a very unfair thing to deny someone a child when they have been very open about wanting one. I would have a serious talk with him about it and make a decision whether it's something you can live without

Eliza22 Thu 07-Apr-16 14:05:27

You are 4th on the list at best. HEs first, then the daughters. And why is he still subsidising the eldest at 20? The 14 yr old, yes he has a financial commitment there.

You have been shoddily treated. You now know that you will never have what you want in life, with this selfish man. You've a life changing decision to make. Good luck.

Poppletosh Tue 12-Apr-16 10:24:28

Thank you to every one for your thoughts. There doesn't seem to be any talking that I can do as he said that he's made his decision and that I'm selfish as its all about me. He says that it's a financial problem. I work full time and pay half of everything. But he obviously doesn't want me or our family to have any of his money. He says he will continue to support his daughters until they are comfortable and able to afford everything in their life. I said that this may never happen, in fact they will need more money in the future. The 20 year old has already started talking about buying her own flat etc and she wants children etc. So I can't even see his payments decreasing never mind stopping. Her step father also supports her too. His ex wife never worked. He supported her and still does for the 14 year old daughter. His ex wife now has another child to her new husband also. I've been attending counselling now to help me sort my thoughts out. We have a really nice life together otherwise and I've invested more than a lot into this relationship. I will continue to try to sort my own feelings out and see where it goes. It has really helped to hear everyone's views. Much appreciated.

Eliza22 Tue 12-Apr-16 11:03:21

Sorry to hear this Popple. So, everything you would like in your life is not possible due to his commitment to his "family". I'd be packing. Right now. And getting a good solicitor so that I come out of it with my fair share.

pinkcan Tue 12-Apr-16 11:16:41

I think you just need to tell him straight that this is a deal breaker for you. If he is going to stick with his moved goal posts, you need to break up.

thecatfromjapan Tue 12-Apr-16 11:32:59

It's not selfish of you to want things for your life. He's asking you to make a huge sacrifice/compromise to fit in with his life.

Sorry, something this big is not dealt with in two conversations. And he can't shut you up with the 'selfish' word.

I think the whole supporting two daughters/an extra child is a massive smoke-screen. You're both earning, the oldest girl is 20, and three/four children is not unheard of for a family.

You need to find out what is really going on here.

I am wondering if he found having children placed stress on that prior relationship and he's worried it will do the same with your relationship.

Or perhaps it's age. Perhaps he's worried he's just too old for the long, dark tunnel of those first years.

Whatever it is, I sincere doubt it's money.

Have the conversation. Deal with it. Don't be afraid to push a bit. Far better to find out and confront than to walk away never really having talked about it.

It's only in sit-coms and soaps thst things get resolved in two conversations. In real life, it takes a good while and a splash of intuition.

Good luck - however it goes.

Bakerandspice Tue 12-Apr-16 13:44:29

At 37 you are still young enough to meet someone who will want to start a family with you - maybe you should think about cutting your losses and moving on from this relationship. If you stay and don't have a child you may end up living a life filled with regret.

Eliza22 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:59:52

If you truly want a child, this relationship (as is) is not healthy.

I agree with catfromjapan in one way.....discussion is key but dont take too long. I was 37 when I married (late starter) and 38 when I had my son. It IS possible but you HAVE to know where you stand.

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