I think I already know the answer to this and perhaps this is just a vent but its causing lots of friction between me and my DP so either way either I need to get a grip or he needs to sort it!
Ok so I have been with my DP for 2 years, we don't live together and he has a 9year old DS.
His DS thinks the world of me, loves me being there on the nights my DP has him and we generally rub along really well.
However, the EXW and her mother are still a big part of DP's life - now I know they always will be, I'm not disputing that I'm just wondering how much interfering is too much...
For example - my DP has a key to EXW house incase she isn't there and his son needs something from her house one evening - that has happened quite frequently so probably not as weird as it makes me feel. I don't like this at all, I think its weird that he lets himself into her house (not their marital home btw) and collects items but I guess that's something I need to get over as its probably not that unreasonable. The thing I don't like is that she will text him on the nights he has DS and say "can you just go to my house and let the dogs out/feed the cat/stroke the bloody chickens" or whatever pet shes bought that week because shes going to be home late.. - I find that odd personally.. Or if he is due to drop DS home and she is going to be late she won't let DP know she will wait until hes outside and has to ring her to find out where she is, at which point she tells him to just let himself in her house and wait for her to come home - again, don't like that but he lives too far away to just drive home and wait until she has returned.
DP had a minor accident the other day which prevented him from doing something to do with work and she said right come on I am going to do it for you.. instead of saying its ok my GF is actually on her way to do it right now he just said no I don't need any help thanks I can manage to which she kept insisting (obviously because she was unaware I was already on the case) DS then got upset because he wanted his mother to help his dad and he wouldn't let her. So I think its weird that a) she offered to do these things that have nothing to do with her whatsoever and b) DP didn't tell her I was doing it already!
He needed to go to the doctors the other day and I went with him - he had to contact his EXMIL as she was looking after DS for the morning and say he was going to be late collecting him as he was at the doctor -EXMIL then wanted to know the ins and outs about why he was there and who was with him (she offered to sit with him until she found out I was there) so DSS then went over to a friends house because EXMIL needed to go to work in the afternoon. She then kept ringing him all day to find out how he was and told DP that I should leave the doctors to collect DSS and that she would go sit with him?! She then got hold of DSS and told him that I would be collecting him and that "nanny would go and make sure daddy was ok"... I had NOT agreed to go collect dss who then got upset because I wouldn't leave to collect him (I actually couldn't leave as DP couldn't walk or drive so needed my help) and why on earth was she ringing for updates every 30 minutes when I don't see what business it is of hers?! but instead of telling her he was fine and stop fussing he just indulges her by telling her what the problem is and what they think it might be etc.... I can understand that she would want updates on behalf of DSS but she was no longer looking after him that afternoon so why the constant need for updates?
EXW then kept ringing when she had returned home from work to find out what was wrong and why he was at the doctors (really?!) and then kept texting for updates " how are you feeling now" etc... she then rang him the next morning and said right ive spoken to XYZ and they think they know whats wrong with you so I've booked you an appointment with someone I use, they are really good so you have to go there Friday 8am - they don't usually do such short notice but because its me I've managed to get you booked in... WTF?! so instead of saying sod off ill make my own arrangements he just says ok thanks and then goes to the appointment!
EXW rings him constantly asking if she can borrow X Y Z or can DP just fix the gutters, fix the fence, put a new fence up etc etc - when I get annoyed about this DP answers with its not to benefit her, its to benefit his son...
She recently wanted to go halves with DP and buy some pedigree animals which they would both take responsibility for (together) and then when they'd made a profit buy more and put the money into a trust fund for DSS.... well putting money jointly into a trust for DSS is not unreasonable but having this "hobby" together is unreasonable no?!
She bakes cakes/meals for him but makes out DSS has made them (he hasn't because he tells me mummy wanted to make a cake for daddy) DP just responds with that its her own energy shes wasting if she really is cooking them for him because hes not interested in her anymore and that I shouldn't make a big deal out of it because its just a cake now and then and he never shows any interest in her at all so its not doing any good.
Hes a very laid back person - will often let things go above his head rather than point them out or make an issue out of it because he says women are catty when it comes to ex's and see things that aren't really there or a problem just to show they are the alpha female!
His DS keeps having nightmares lately because of the video game he keeps playing - cant remember what the name of it is now but its an 18 rated game which his grandmother bought for him (DP's exmil) so I pointed this out to DP who has mentioned it to EXMIL but she said she didn't realise,yet still lets him play on it?! I said surely you should be telling her to take it off him but he said its out of his control what they do with him...
The weird thing is she's not (AFAIK) making any real moves on DP i.e. there are no messages declaring undying love or any arrangements where she tries to get the two of them together or anything like that its just these odd niggly things where she still wants to be a part of his life and still acts like his wife without the intimacy part IYSWIM.
If EXW rings DP and asks if he can have his DS on a night that he doesn't usually have him and we have made plans he will either just say yes straight away without even consulting me OR he will say no I am going out - she will ask where and he will say just out with some friends - he NEVER tells her hes made arrangements with me (or even tell her to mind her own business for that matter!) for what reason I don't know he just said its easier as she will tell DS that he would rather be with me than have DS...
One evening last week DP didn't finish work until late so when DS called and asked if he could go over for the evening he said sorry I wont be finishing work until late (it wasn't an agreed night but as it was half term he said he would have DS a few more nights) to which DS replied with ok so what about X (me) is SHE going to be going to your house tonight to which DP said yes possibly but shes an adult she can stay up a bit later, you should be asleep by the time I get home and DS again responded so its ok for HER to see you but not me?! This was quite a startling response from DS as it sounded more like his mother speaking rather than him! So when DP got to his house I was there waiting for him having cooked his tea and 5 minutes after he got through the door his DS phoned him just to say good night and immediately wanted to know if I was there to which DP said no.... IABU to think you shouldn't have to keep lying in order to keep the peace??
What do you think? I've already had the conversation with DP asking him to tell them to back off but he said he needs them on amicable terms because his job dictates that sometimes he cant have his DS on the agreed nights and they would need to cancel their plans in order to accommodate him, whereas if he rubs them up the wrong way they are well within their rights to say no sorry its your agreed nights you deal with it etc.
If I didn't know better I would say perhaps DP isn't quite over her but she really riles him up on times and he says how glad he is that hes not with her anymore because shes a complete nightmare and theres just no reasoning with her etc etc. Just don't know what to do really, everytime I bring it up he says im badgering him and making problems that aren't there and just let it go because hes never ever getting back with her but I'm just pushing him away with the constant digging and argueing... Thankyou if you managed to get this far!!
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AIBU regarding contact with EXW and EXMIL?
51 replies
movingonup2015 · 30/03/2016 15:42
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